Keep This Quiet

Midway USA has Federal small pistol primers in stock.

My Skills Scare Me

I got ready to make the parts for my trivial 5″ x 7″ x 2″ tool box, and I felt I didn’t have a nice enough piece for a lid, so I took a really oddly shaped piece of mahogany and jointed and planed it down to 3/8″! There is no stopping me! Although I’m kind of starting to realize why people buy jointers instead of using sleds.

The table saw continues to be an amazement. Anything you want to cut, you just cut. Any angle. Any measurement. As long as it fits, the saw will do it with very little skill required.

The piece of mahogany I decided to try to use for a lid had a lot of little curly knots in it, like eddies in a pink mahogany stream. But it turned out a different piece was actually better suited for the top, so I turned the curly piece into a lid and two sides. I think it’s going to look incredibly good for something I just slapped together.

I needed a piece of 3/4″ mahogany for the inside of the box. I don’t have the technology to make dividers right now; I’d need a 1/8″ router bit for that. So I’m routing out cavities for the tools. That means the wood has to be thicker than the cavities are deep, and the cavities will run to a depth of 5/8″.

I didn’t feel like thicknessing a third board, so I took a piece of curly mahogany and glued it to a piece that’s sort of spalted, like the top. I’m hoping they’ll hold together. I guess I could cheat and run a few screws into it. The curly piece will be the box bottom. That will look pretty good.

I slotted the sides of the box so the bottom will fit into them. I got some burning in the bottoms of the slots. No idea what causes that. I thought it was from cutting too slow, but I’ve been trying to squirt pieces through the saw quickly. The burned bits won’t be visible, but it would be nice to know how I created them.

I was way too lazy to make appropriate jigs. Luckily the saw is so precise, I can get away with that. But if I want miter keys, I’ll have to give in and build something to hold the box as I run it over the saw. That might take ten whole minutes.

Now I have to get up and head-butt Maynard a few times. It’s intended purely as violence, but he mistakes it for affection, so everyone is happy.

Explain

I don’t understand what Drudge is saying in his headline right now. Why is Dennis Prager watching us?

Plus Uncle Ted, the Water Dog Whisperer

The mahogany I cut to size yesterday continues its mysterious dance. Sometimes it bows this way. Sometimes it bows that way. This morning when I got up, one piece was flat.

Here’s another interesting thing it does. This wood appears dry, but it still has some water in it, and it migrates to the lower side over time. Today I found discoloration on the bottom side of the wood. I turned it over, and in forty-five minutes or so, the discoloration was gone.

I don’t think any of this matters. The box I plan to make will be seven inches long, so the warping over the length of the box will amount to about a third of a millimeter. Close enough for government work.

Speaking of government work, are you as amused as I am by Obama’s stated intention to go easy on tax delinquents? Apparently, his plan is to find them and appoint them all to his cabinet. That’s what he’s done so far. Give this man credit; he may be presiding over the disintegration of the greatest nation on earth, but he is immensely entertaining.

Readers have pointed out that Obama’s dog–a Portuguese water dog–was a gift from Edward Kennedy. This is the kind of thing The Half Hour News Hour team would have made up, but for the fact that they had absolutely no talent. You can almost picture Ted, sitting on a dock with a Scotch in his hand (or both hands), trying to teach his special dog to retrieve a dummy from a submerged Oldsmobile.

Speaking of conservative disasters, I see that the GOP has shriveled to the point where Bob Shrum now feels entitled to make fun of it. Can you imagine anything worse? This man’s name has literally become a verb, synonymous with both “fail” and “cause to fail.” “My souffle looked good in the oven, but then it Shrummed.” “Ned Rice and Sandy Frank Shrummed the hopes of conservative humor.”

You know what this reminds me of? The Star Wars scene where Han Solo is about to be fed to the giant underground worm, and Jabba’s rat-like pet is talking smack to him. The rat is an incredibly pathetic creature in its own right, but it has Jabba backing it up, and Han Solo is such a mess, the rat can probably take him. So the rat feels entitled to ridicule. If Shrum is the rat, maybe Robert Gibbs is Jabba. I’m not sure.

Geez, what happened to us? Well, I know what happened. Big-tent, amoral secularism. We used to rout the enemy, and now they rout us. Man, I wish I could find a new country to move to. A place where religious conservatives are in charge. This is the difference between me and a liberal; they always want to stay where they are and ruin the countries they live in, instead of moving to leftist cesspools like France. Me, I’d rather just get out. I wish Texas would secede so I could apply for a homestead.

Yeah, that secular conservatism…that stuff is working out real good. Let’s keep it up! We’re on a roll! The last thing we want is to turn back to God and go back to the misery and failure of THE REAGAN YEARS.

The Bible says not to worry, because evil comes of it. Too bad the GOP never learned that. We got a little worried, and we decided the item we needed to get rid of was God. Now look at us.

Hey, you know that business about letting illegal aliens vote? It’s going to continue and expand. How do I know? One of the signs that a nation is cursed is that aliens within its borders will increase and gain power over it. Look it up.

Today at our weekly breakfast, I told my dad we should just send the welfare money directly to Mexico. Why make them move? It’s cheaper for everyone to just pay them where they are.

I need to join a new party. I cannot be part of an organization so degraded it can legitimately be ridiculed by the likes of Shrum.

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When I wrote this, I didn’t know Rick Perry was flipping out and trying to declare Texas a sovereign nation. Where do I apply to join the militia? I can smoke pigs like nobody’s business, and I will bring a fine assortment of deadly firearms.

I Made Lumber!

I guess I must be the greatest tool expert who ever lived. I don’t see how there can be any doubt, because today I installed a WIXEY DIGITAL READOUT on my planer, and I used the planer to joint and thickness a mahogany board!

Bask in the light of my greatness, tiny unimportant people.

I ordered a set of indexable lathe tools. The case they came in was mashed. I had a bunch of mahogany I had rescued from a trash heap. I decided to make a new case. To do that, I had to have finished wood. To get that, I needed to install the readout that had been sitting on the dining room table since the Bush administration.

It’s pretty cool. I like digits better than the tape-measure-type scale that came with the planer.

I really enjoyed myself. I installed the readout, and then I planed a short board to 0.930″ (that was the thickness when it finally got flat on both sides). I squared one end of the board on the table saw, made a makeshift jig, and jointed the edges of the board. Then I squared the other end and resawed the board on the bandsaw. After that, I planed the results. Now I have two bookmatched mahogany boards. They’re gorgeous, too.

Problem: the wood is not really seasoned. It bowed a little when I resawed it. I don’t really care; I’m cutting it to such short lengths, the bowing will probably be too slight to amount to anything, and it’s just a crappy box to hold some tools.

I stuck it on a table with some junk mail under it and books on the ends of each board. Hopefully that will reduce the bowing.

Tomorrow I get to cut the pieces, rout out holes for the tools, and turn the results into a box. It should be a blast.

Things worked out well. You have to plane a board in order to install the DRO, and a DRO is a nice thing to have when you thickness a resawn piece of wood, so one project fed into the other.

That mahogany is going to be amazing. Some day. When it’s really ready.

No pictures. Too lazy.

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One reason wood warps when you resaw it is water. Wet wood likes to be big. Dry wood likes to be small. The wood I resawed today was not very far into the seasoning process. Presumably, the inner parts were wetter than the outer. That would explain why it bowed away from the saw cut. The wet sides expanded when the saw released them, and that made them longer than the dry sides, so they took on a curve toward the dry.

I hoped that when I took it into the air conditioning, the wet sides would dry and contract, and the wood would start to straighten. And that is exactly what’s happening. One board is nearly straight now.

The question of the moment is, will it stop when it’s straight, or will it keep going until it bows in the other direction?

Arf

Couple of things.

As expected, the Obamas demonstrated remarkably bad taste in choosing their dog. They chose the Portuguese water dog, which, whatever its positive traits may be, is a remarkably ugly creature. I have never understood people who buy hairy dogs that gather drool, snot, and eye secretions in their face hair, like mops.

The shocking part? They chose a working breed.

If I had to have another dog, I think I’d look for a Shepherd mixed with something else to tone down the inbreeding and avoid the hip problems. And now that I think about it, those are good considerations to keep in mind when choosing a wife.

I don’t know why they bought a dog. Liberals and dogs don’t mix, except in the sense that liberals often have to be pried loose from the jaws of watchdogs and dogs belonging to the police. Liberals are supposed to own cats, who, like the people who vote for liberals, consume wealth and attention and in return, provide nothing but scorn.

Here’s a fact for people who think George Bush is dumb: he was smart enough to choose a dog that bit reporters whenever possible.

Second thing: I notice that a tennis player named Federer has married his “longtime girlfriend.” Ladies who choose to live with single men (every man who is not married is single), let me tell you what it means when your live-in boyfriend proposes after a period of years. It means he gave up and decided you were the best he could do. If he had thought you were a catch, he would have married you sooner, to keep someone else from getting you. Or it could mean he hates being with you less than he hates dating.

Felicitations. You are a reserve parachute. Who says romance is dead? Get down on your knees and thank Gaia no one better showed up.

Buffett Orders Chinese

Stocks are diving today because GM is going to declare bankruptcy. But I think they should be diving for another reason. A Drudge-linked article just exposed the tip of the iceberg that will probably sink America’s auto industry. Warren Buffett just bought 10% (as much as he was allowed) of Chinese automaker BYD.

I have been harping on this for quite some time. Liberals are worried that union workers in the US might be reduced to a mere 200% or so of the daily wage they’re actually worth, as a result of our domestic woes. That’s silly. Our real problem is the huge, highly motivated, highly capable Asian labor market, which is going to make cushy American union jobs a fond memory. If Obama were competent, and if our Congress were not dominated by effete liberal kooks, we might have some chance of fixing our internal problems. But how are we supposed to stop the Chinese and the Indians? We can’t. They’re smart, they work harder than us, they work cheaper than us, and there are over two billion of them. And protectionism, our only remaining weapon against them, has proven ineffective and destructive.

Take a look at this quotation about BYD’s founder, largest stockholder, and CEO:

Wang entered the automobile business in 2003 by buying a Chinese state-owned car company that was all but defunct. He knew very little about making cars but proved to be a quick study. In October a BYD sedan called the F3 became the bestselling sedan in China, topping well-known brands like the Volkswagen Jetta and Toyota (TM) Corolla.

Not exciting? Look again. He didn’t beat the incompetents at the Big Three. He beat TOYOTA, and our homegrown companies are to Toyota as Chuck Wepner was to Muhammad Ali. And he did it in half a decade. He also stomped Sony and Sanyo; he produces batteries cheaper than they can. Not cheaper than they do. Cheaper than they can. And the secret is cheap Chinese labor. China is the Wal-Mart of human beings. The supply is high, and the cost is low.

BYD has an electric car. Here, let me save myself the effort of paraphrasing:

BYD has also begun selling a plug-in electric car with a backup gasoline engine, a move putting it ahead of GM, Nissan, and Toyota. BYD’s plug-in, called the F3DM (for “dual mode”), goes farther on a single charge – 62 miles – than other electric vehicles and sells for about $22,000, less than the plug-in Prius and much-hyped Chevy Volt are expected to cost when they hit the market in late 2010. Put simply, this little-known upstart has accelerated ahead of its much bigger rivals in the race to build an affordable electric car.

Isn’t that special? The Big Three take eons to get anything to market, and when they do, it’s often disappointing. But this Chinese nobody appears to be able to put competent innovative products on showroom floors, and he has only been making cars–not just electric cars, but cars, period–since 2003.

What’s the quality like? It doesn’t matter. Two reasons. First, the price is so low, the quality would have to be abysmal to affect sales, and it’s probably not abysmal. Second, the quality is getting better. I don’t know that because I checked. I know it because I’ve seen the trend in Chinese products AND I’m not a moron.

It looks like we may be headed in the sad direction of electric cars and other depressing little poverty jalopies. We are told that these machines are “progressive” and “green,” but that’s leftist lipstick on a very big and smelly pig. In reality, they reflect our decline as a nation. They are symptoms of failure.

The Chinese ride bicycles to work. It’s green as hell, but that’s not why they do it. They can’t afford cars. We’re headed in that direction, and they’re headed in ours. The Chinese will upgrade from bicycles, and we’ll downgrade from real cars that provide safety, comfort, and jobs. So there is probably a bright future in BYD’s silly little half-cars. And if there isn’t, they can make ordinary cars and still beat us like rag dolls. There is no law that says they can only make nutty little Urkel vehicles. The Japanese started with econoboxes, and now they sell big belching land yachts.

The sense that I get when I look at the world is that God doesn’t bless the US the way he used to, but he continues to bless individual believers very powerfully. I continue to believe that our rebellion–our disgusting behavior and attitudes–have cost us our role as the world’s leader, and that we’re never going to get it back. China and India aren’t going away. Neither is Russia, which sabotages us and assists our enemies whenever possible. When I read stories like the BYD article, it confirms what I have suspected. It’s time for individuals to put God first and work to get his blessings, because the rising tide that used to lift all boats has disappeared. In the past, anyone could make it in the US. In the future, you’ll have to make it on your own merit.

I read another article recently which bolstered this notion. Some guy who used to be a stockbroker was delivering pizzas for a living. He had a huge house, and his income had been as high as $750,000 per year, and he was working for a pizzeria to feed his family. That’s a great example of what I’m talking about. I know utterly ordinary people who have gotten rich simply because the US was a prosperous country where even the most unimpressive human being could get lucky. Some of these people credited themselves; that’s human nature. But the fertile, friendly environment in which they worked is what made them. God provided that.

I’ll tell you what qualifications you need to be a stockbroker. None. You do not have to be a financial expert. You do not need an IQ above 90. You do not need any talents. You don’t need to be able to predict what the market will do. All you have to do is persuade other people to buy and sell securities. Period. Bottom line. End of story. That’s it. If you can sell a TV at Best Buy, you can be a stockbroker. It’s a fantastic job for someone who isn’t bright and doesn’t have a postgraduate degree. A chicken can do it. And jobs like that used to be a lot easier to come by, because of America’s wealth. Now they’re drying up, and people who thought they were successful because of their innate superiority are finding out how lucky they really were.

If you don’t believe any of this, get in your car and go talk to three brokers. While you’re there, ask how they did on the SAT. Give them a crossword puzzle, and tell them if they can do it in an hour, you’ll give them your retirement money. Good luck.

The pizza job is not the anomaly, here. The anomaly is an ordinary person with pizza-delivery-grade skills, making $750,000 a year in commissions. It’s so easy to be greatly blessed and not realize it.

I say the Chinese will dominate the US auto market within ten years. And the Big Three will be gone or bought out. I’ve been told I’m wrong, because the Japanese used to be in this same situation, and their labor costs went up. Are labor costs going to go up in China, where they have almost a billion and a half people who need work? Compared to the US, Taiwan has low labor costs, and they pay about eight times what the Chinese do. EIGHT. I think there’s still a lot of headroom in the Chinese cost structure. I’m no expert, but I don’t think Chinese manufacturing expenses are going to increase fast enough to help the Big Three. It didn’t happen in Taiwan, and China is in a much better situation.

Get ready for your first Chinese car. It’s coming.

Short One

Someone I know appears to be having some sort of psychological crisis. I hope some of you will take the time to pray for her and her marriage. Thanks.

Hindsight Can’t Save God’s Enemies

I will never understand why my family didn’t make a bigger fuss on Easter when I was a kid. For some reason, my sister and I always received chocolate rabbits and baskets of candy, and that was nice, but I don’t recall Easter having the kind of religious significance Christmas had. Even now, it sort of slips by me.

That’s a shame, because Easter, or more accurately, Passover, is what made Christianity possible. The crucifixion and resurrection are the events that made it unnecessary for human beings to pay for their sins.

I think the second psalm is a great thing to read on Easter, because it reveals the true nature of the events that took place over that fateful Passover, two thousand years ago. I do not mean this in an irreverent way: the crucifixion was a trick. Were it not for the terrible suffering and ugliness, you might almost compare it to a practical joke. Religious people tend to think of spirits as brilliant beings who know all sorts of things about the future, but the truth is, God has a long, long history of making fools of them. He encodes his plans in prophecy, and his enemies can’t figure out what it means, and then he brings things to pass, and his enemies are caught flatfooted. That’s what the second psalm is all about. It was written about a thousand years before Jesus, but it clearly describes not only the crucifixion and resurrection, but the fact that the spirits who rule this world will not understand it and will be unable to prevent it from ruining them. Take a look.

1 Why do the heathen rage, and the people imagine a vain thing?

2 The kings of the earth set themselves, and the rulers take counsel together, against the Lord, and against his anointed, saying,

3 Let us break their bands asunder, and cast away their cords from us.

4 He that sitteth in the heavens shall laugh: the Lord shall have them in derision.

5 Then shall he speak unto them in his wrath, and vex them in his sore displeasure.

6 Yet have I set my king upon my holy hill of Zion.

7 I will declare the decree: the Lord hath said unto me, Thou art my Son; this day have I begotten thee.

8 Ask of me, and I shall give thee the heathen for thine inheritance, and the uttermost parts of the earth for thy possession.

9 Thou shalt break them with a rod of iron; thou shalt dash them in pieces like a potter’s vessel.

10 Be wise now therefore, O ye kings: be instructed, ye judges of the earth.

11 Serve the Lord with fear, and rejoice with trembling.

12 Kiss the Son, lest he be angry, and ye perish from the way, when his wrath is kindled but a little. Blessed are all they that put their trust in him.

The Bible often has multiple meanings woven into its text. For exampe, “kings of the earth” might refer to some of David’s enemies, and “his anointed” might refer to David. But to a Christian, it’s pretty clear that they also refer to the spirits that rule this world, and Jesus, respectively.

This isn’t just about nations that are hostile to David. It’s about spirits that oppose God. They fought Jesus, and they believed that by putting him to death, they were destroying his power. Instead, they magnified it and spread it to humanity, even beyond the Jews. To “the heathen” and “the uttermost parts of the earth.” “Holy hill of Zion” refers to the Temple Mount in Jerusalem. Jesus referred to his own body as God’s temple. He said, “Destroy this temple, and in three days I will raise it up.” His body is where the kingdom of God, on earth, inside men, began.

This psalm ridicules the non-human powers that have the foolish pride to fight with God. It shows God can take their most promising plans and use them to skewer them. He can delude them into destroying themselves with their own weapons. And he can reveal it all in advance, to human beings to whom he has given ears to hear. The second psalm is a perfect picture of what God intended to do, if you’re able to perceive it.

I wish we would give up our ridiculous traditions of moving Easter away from Passover and referring to it by a disgusting pagan name. The parallels between the first Passover and the one that included the crucifixion are overwhelming, but we have obscured the connections by turning Easter into a bizarre day that celebrates rabbits that lay eggs. And if you can’t see Passover in Easter, you probably can’t see Shavuot in Pentecost, either.

Anyway, happy misplaced Passover. Whatever you choose to call it.

Disco Garage

I got the stereo shelf up. I had a couple of little shelves for the speakers, but it turned out there was room on the TV shelf. I realize this is not the best position for good sound, but these speakers reek. And they don’t seem to bother the TV.

It turns out the stereo’s tuner is on the part I destroyed and threw out, so it looks like I’ll be buying a cheap receiver. I can’t complain. So far I have about thirty bucks invested in this.

Stereo!

Things are getting worse in the garage, AKA the site of my future intervention.

Yesterday I installed a TV on a shelf. But it had no working remote, and it wasn’t hooked up to cable or a DVD player, and I needed to add a radio tuner. So today I was forced to go to Home Depot and get a universal remote (eight dollars more than I budgeted, but it looked cooler than the cheap one), six shelf brackets, and a bunch of screws. I’m going to take my mom’s old JVC shelf system (what remains after I gutted the CD part in order to rescue Mahalia Jackson), stick it on the wall, and add my much-loathed Panasonic DVD changer.

I looked at stereo receivers online, figuring I should be able to find something I could get delivered for fifty bucks, but the cheapest new ones were all at or above a hundred bucks. Then I realized I hadn’t checked the old modular shelf system for inputs. Praise be, it has RCA sockets for a VCR. I am cooking with gas.

I dread the installation. I have to cut and install three shelves in a very congested area, and I get to breathe lots of concrete and wood dust, for which I’ll pay the price later. Respirators may keep you from overloading your lungs, but they’ll let you get enough crap into your body to make you congested.

I also scored two jugs of kosher Coke from the grocery beside Home Depot. So I have that going for me.

Life will suck for the remainder of the day, but at least I’ll get that miserable DVD changer out of my bedroom and get the old stereo off the garage floor. I don’t know who designed that changer, but the remote is one hundred percent counterintuitive, and you actually have to keep the manual nearby in order to use it. It’s a horror for regular use, but it will be acceptable in the garage.

The Coke is chilling. It’s time to go out there and suffer.

I Shake my Cane at You

I have an edict, and it goes out to every McDonald’s manager on earth.

Henceforth, five times a week, you are to gather your employees and tell them to STOP INTERRUPTING PEOPLE WHILE THEY ORDER. Of course, you’ll have to tell them seven times, because they’ll interrupt.

“I’ll have two McMuffins, one hash brown…”

“You’ll have two Egg McMuffins?”

“I’ll have two McMuffins, one hash brown…”

“Three Egg McMuffins and eight hash browns?”

“I’ll have two McMuffins, one hash brown…”

“What do you want to drink?”

“I’ll have two McMuffins, one hash brown…”

“Nineteen hash browns and one McGriddle?”

Thanks to the amazing people who man the drive-thru, I have now become the Old Guy Everyone Dreads Waiting On. I ask them when they’re ready to listen. I tell them to quit interrupting. I say, “I already told you that.” Next, I’ll be carrying one of those ridiculous change purses that you squeeze to open, and I’ll pay them in pennies while the people behind me lose their minds, and I’ll demand to know why the manager won’t force the cashiers to honor coupons from other restaurants.

At least I’m not a woman. They’re the worst. “What kind of pesticide do you use on the lettuce?” “Were the tomatoes picked by union workers?” “I need to write a check for my McNuggets.” “Which is better for me? Three salads or one Big Mac?” “Please go find me a nutritional information sheet so I can memorize it to protect my yammering larvae.” “I need you to put the onions in a separate bag, make sure the lettuce is above the tomatoes, see that the amount of pickles is a prime number, and if it’s not too much trouble, I want to come inside and watch so I can make sure you don’t apply too much mustard. And I want to open my sandwich and inspect it before I leave the window.”

Here’s how to run the cash register at McDonald’s. I’ve never done it, but I think I have it figured out. When the customer orders something, you push the button with that item’s picture on it. Then when they order something else, you push that item’s button. When they’re FINISHED, you tell them the total, and you wait for them to look at the video list a foot and a half from the car window, so they can make sure you got it right. And you don’t argue with them about what they ordered. If you think about it, this is a subject they know more about than you do.

If you can’t do this, keep voting for Democrats, because you are eventually going to be considered absolutely unemployable, even with affirmative action, and even if you work for the government. But I repeat myself.

Here’s another tip. When a customer says “thank you,” it’s not okay to snub him just because you’re furious that you ended up flipping burgers for a living. If you think about it long enough, and you won’t, you may eventually realize your status in life is not entirely the customer’s fault. It’s completely possible that you, yourself, may deserve some of the blame. Sounds crazy, but it’s true.

There’s a kid who works the register at the nearest breakfast joint, and he is so professional, I feel like he shows me up as a customer. This kid is going to end up owning the whole strip mall. He looks me in the eye and says, “Thank you for your business, sir. Come back soon.” At this point I usually drop my squeeze change purse and my handful of expired Arby’s coupons, and I shuffle out feeling completely outclassed. Why can’t McDonald’s find people like that? Actually, they did have one. The middle-aged German lady who always smiled and called me sir and ordered me to have a nice day whether I felt like it or not. She’s gone. She probably saved her money and bought a private island. Now I have to deal with her successor, Unpredictable Hypersensitive Interruption Girl.

The breakfast kid is black. I hope the entitlement pimps don’t get ahold of him and corrupt him before he becomes a self-made millionaire and starts sponsoring conservative candidates.

I think I’ll pull my white socks up and go find some kids to glare at.

Another Piece of Mediocre Carpentry Finished

I have a few pointers for people who want to challenge my greatness by putting TVs on shelves in their garages.

1. Do not assume your garage walls are square to each other or even close to it.

2. When you have to use a hole saw to drill UP through plywood, the time you spend looking for the face shield will not be regretted.

3. When Home Depot puts $5.00 brackets on sale for half price, there is probably an excellent reason.

4. Never mount a television 80″ above the floor in a crowded corner if the remote “ON” button has gone dead.

More advice as it dawns on me.

Also, Glenn Beckside has a vital Twitter update.

Except Maybe for Al Franken

Okay, I have a new Glenn Beck theory, and it’s starting to worry me. I hate to think my idol may be a total fraud, but I have to go where the evidence leads me.

1. He started the 912 project.

2. Half of 912 is 456.

3. The number 456 is divisible by 3.

4. If you divide the devil’s number, 666, by 3, you get 222.

5. Room 222 was a popular TV show back in the Seventies.

6. The star of Room 222 was Michael Constantine.

7. Constantine was the leader of the Holy Roman Empire.

8. Roman Polanski is a pedophile.

Don’t shoot the messenger. All I did was connect the dots. Let me know if you can help me with the last leg of the puzzle. I’m trying to connect this to Kevin Bacon.

I really hope Keith Olbermann doesn’t take credit for this.

By the way, I’d appreciate it if someone could identify the lube Olbermann uses to coat his hair, face, and eyeglasses. It looks like it would be great for machine tools.

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I have an alternate theory.

8a. New York is the Empire State.

9a. The French word for “state” is “etat.”

10a. Louis XIV said, “L’etat, c’est moi.”

11a. In the opening run of Camelot, the song “C’est Moi” was sung by Robert Goulet.

12a. Robert Goulet once locked his wife in a car trunk.

Man, this one gives me chills.

Only for the Chosen

People, this is amazing. I think Glenn Beck is trying to send us secret messages. Using knowledge I learned from hearing Madonna talk to Whoopi Goldberg about kabbalah, I have extracted vital information from a blurb on his webpage! Begin at “START” and read in the direction of the arrows. Just the circled stuff. The spelling is a little off, but he was probably in a hurry.

Start decoding the messages now, before the IMF and Skull and Bones create an artificial aluminum foil shortage so we can’t protect ourselves from Rachel Maddow’s lesbo-fascist mind control beam!

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Readers say they’re fed up, they just can’t take it any more, they can’t stand any more of the lies, and they’re going to take back my blog, if I don’t blow the photo up and make it easier to read.