Avenger of Suckers

I made an offer on a 2009 pickup. It amounts to about $500 above the money they’ve put into the truck. I know the cost of the truck and the delivery charge, and I know how much the holdback is, so I subtracted the holdback and added $500. It’s a good offer, for a year-old truck that tops out at 18 MPG. A truck nobody else wants. They should be willing to sell below their cost, given the age of the truck and the current market. That’s how life goes, when you’re in retail. You can’t make a profit on every deal. I know they have other costs, but that’s not my problem.

The dealer turned me down flat. They want $1200 more. Sure, if Mary Poppins and Frosty the Snowman decide to buy a truck so they can drive around the world with elves in the back, shoveling candy to the little girls and boys who go to bed on time and swear allegiance to Barack Obama. Other than that, they pretty much have to deal or sell it to another dealer at auction.

After I got their response, I decided there was no way I was going to contact these characters again. When you’re negotiating, and you make an offer, and the other side pretends to be utterly uninterested, you wait for them to crack. These guys have to get rid of this truck. I don’t have to buy one.

Today, after four days, they got back in touch. It was just an auto-response. But it proves my point. The only way to deal with a car salesman is to apply the screws and tighten them until he squeals. My offer was too generous; they probably think I’m a sucker. The only way to convince them otherwise is to let them sweat. I offered them more than I think the truck is worth, because I don’t think a Christian should hammer people ruthlessly in the marketplace. They should be satisfied with that.

I may respond tomorrow. I may respond Monday. Maybe I’ll get cold feet and kill the whole idea. I try to think of my money as God’s money. I don’t want a truck just for fun. I want to make sure I’m doing something intelligent. Maybe I was wrong to decide to buy. Time and prayer are always good ideas.

Anyway, it’s funny to watch them play the game.

I think my response will be, “Please consider my offer withdrawn.”

They want me to finance the truck, which will get me a thousand dollars in Ford money. They want to add that money to the price, plus over $200. I do not borrow money if I can avoid it. I don’t care if Ford likes it; I don’t care if they understand that I plan to pay it back in four months. It’s a scam, and anyway, I think borrowing is like daring the devil to wreck your plans. If I pay cash for a thing, I’m free and clear. If something bad happens later, I won’t have to worry about collection agents. I won’t have to take a job I hate, because bills for things I’ve already worn out and discarded will be coming to me over the next five years. And nobody can repossess what I bought. When you borrow, you give up choice. You put yourself in a position where you have to earn, regardless of how you do it. And working is less enjoyable, because you’re not anticipating buying good things with the money. You’ve already enjoyed the good things. All that’s left now is the drudgery of paying for them, and paying the people who charged you for the privilege of enjoying them before you really owned them. And if you choose to go bankrupt, the cost is your self-respect and your good name.

The Bible says it’s arrogant to say you will do this or that, in the future. You should say, “God willing, I will.” If you borrow, you’re saying, “I will continue to earn enough money to pay for all the junk I want to have right now.” Is that smart? I don’t think so. The Bible strongly discourages borrowing. It encourages lending, but it does so with the understanding that you can’t charge usury, and you may have to forgive the loans.

I just realized I’m wearing a T-shirt that says, “Borrowing is for the weak.” It’s from Northern Tool. I couldn’t resist buying it. It’s supposed to be funny, but it’s also one of the universe’s fundamental truths.

I wonder what a $200,000 house would cost, if we didn’t have the mortgage system. Probably $50,000. When people pay real money, as contrasted with pie-in-the-sky future money, they have to pay a lot less. Three things make things cost more than they should: insurance, borrowing, and government involvement.

A Harley dealer once told me some guy came in for a trade-in, threw him the keys to his old bike, told him which new bike he wanted, and said, “Make it $250 a month.” That was all he cared about. He opened the henhouse door and drove the fox in with a cattle prod. Over time, the bike probably cost him fifty grand. The picture would have been a lot different had he had to shovel out up front. MSRP would have been something like $18,000. He probably couldn’t afford it.

I don’t like borrowing. I don’t like borrowing. I don’t want to be a finance company’s slave. I don’t care if it looks smart on paper. When you look at the paper, isn’t it “walking by sight”? Aren’t we supposed to walk by faith?

I don’t care if everyone does it. Most people do lots of really stupid things. My errors are sufficiently abundant as it is.

On another subject, I have a question. What’s a reasonable amount of money for one person to spend on groceries, per week? I don’t really know. I have turned into a bargain-hunting maniac, frequenting Costco and subscribing to grocery-chain sale emails, and while I haven’t added up the cost of my food, I’ll bet it’s pretty low, because about 80% of my meals are cheap, simple, healthy stuff I eat just to stay alive. What should I be paying? Seems like I should be able to do very well on a hundred bucks a week, plus maybe twenty-five for treats, but I’m not sure.

The most expensive meat I eat regularly is fish, at around six bucks a pound. I like to buy prime beef for $12-$13, but that’s rare, and lately I’ve been finding it at Costco for seven-something. I buy whole pork loins for peanuts and cut them into chops and freeze them. I avoid prepared vegetables, like Birdseye and so on. I generally steam or nuke fresh produce. I eat boring oatmeal for breakfast. On the weekends, I like to treat myself to McMuffins and pizza and Chinese food and ice cream, but that adds up to about three meals.

I’m looking around the web, and other people claim they do great on a lot less than $125. Maybe I’m overestimating.

Anyway, the information would be appreciated.

Doing Things Wrong is Never Right

Still trying to create an outline for the pastor’s book.

Today I watched DVDs instead of using audio CDs. It was somewhat depressing. The theme of the book is family planning. I don’t mean the Planned Parenthood type of family planning, which means planning to have your unborn children sucked out and put in dumpsters. I mean approaching marriage and family with forethought, goals, and rules. This is not how my family worked, and the results are about what we should have expected.

Pastor Rich is the grandson of a pastor. Evidently his grandfather did something right, because his father became a minister and ran a church in Nassau, and Rich is a pastor, and he has four sons, none of whom appear to be drug addicts or repeat felony offenders. According to my mother, my grandfather considered becoming a minister, but he became a prosecutor, a tort attorney, and a judge. And he grew cigarette tobacco. He had four daughters. Two are dead because they were cigarette addicts. My sister now has lung cancer. Three of the four sisters had bad marriages. Most of the grandchildren have had problems, as have the great-grandchildren.

Over the last eight years or so, I’ve been learning things fortunate people learn by their tenth birthdays. When I watch these DVDs, I realize these things are obvious. You can be very smart and get pretty old without learning obvious things.

When we insist on doing things our own way, we are like socialists. Socialism never works, but the people who keep trying it don’t believe that. They keep saying they just need to make some adjustments. They need to find the right people to put in charge. Whenever there’s an improvement, they claim it means they’re on a trend that leads to perfect bliss. That’s what sunk the Soviets. They looked at 1900, and they looked at 1950, and they saw a big difference, and they figured things would keep improving. But that’s not what happened.

If you do things your own way, you may have success in some areas of your life, and you may have periods where things improve, but you’re never going to have the kind of family you would have if you did it God’s way. It’s a con game, and you’re a con artist as well as the victim.

Maybe a few people who read the book or get the disks will learn and manage to avoid the kind of needless, wasteful problems my family has faced.

Winn-Dixie Abandons Me

I just suffered a major catastrophe. This is really bad. I got an email saying my weekly Winn-Dixie ad was ready to view, and IT’S NOT UP. I was hoping to load up on cheap chickens and wings, but somehow Winn-Dixie has failed me.

Wings are the ultimate in cheap, excellent, low-carb food. Throw seasoning on them, bake for an hour at 425°, toss in a mixture of Frank’s and butter, and you’re done. I’m sure there are better recipes, but this one is so good and so easy, everyone should know it.

To make it work as a budget meal, you have to have cheap wings. I was counting on Winn-Dixie for that. I was going to buy a big package, break it into smaller lots, and freeze them in vacuum bags. Maybe the ad will pop up in a while, and my hopes will be revived.

What a fool I was, back in the years when wings were always cheap. Back when nobody wanted them. I knew they existed, but they sounded unappealing.

When I went to Columbia University (where classmate B. Hussein Obama was a total cipher), I used to go to a joint called the Chicken Gourmet. It was one of the many bizarre inexpensive restaurants in the area which were run by Greeks. I always went for a burger known as the Super Cheese. The sign advertised Buffalo wings, but I had no idea what they were, so I never tried them. I’ll bet I didn’t have wings until 1989. Sad.

Okay, down to business. I have accepted the fact that my blog has turned into a prayer resource for sick people. I have some items.

Reader Aelfheld, who helps hurricane-magnet Ward Brewer maintain his blog (which I can’t find today), has this to say:

I almost hate to do this, but a friend’s friend by the name of Ben has been diagnosed with stomach cancer at the ripe old age of 28. He’s been through one surgery, but he’s lost a good bit of weight and the doctors put in a feeding tube to try and stimulate his intake and digestion. He still has chemo- and radiation therapy to look forward to. I’m told he’s confident and upbeat, but certainly additional prayers can help.

Imagine. He’s 28.

Yesterday I mentioned Heather’s mom. Here is today’s news:

First off a great big thank you and God Bless to all of you who are praying for my mom.
Mere words can never express the gratitude that I feel for lifting us up in prayer. If I could see you all, I would give you a big hug.
They had to stop and shock her heart like this when she had her open heart surgery. Her heart just gets all out of rhythm and that is the only way it can be brought back to normal.
I have to tell you this, her heart rate was in the 100s when the dr. sent us to the hospital. You could see her jugular vein, jumping in her neck. I think it scared her doctor as badly as it scared me. The funny thing was though, today she felt better than she had since she had be released from the hospital on the 26th.
So right before I left the hospital tonight they came in to do her 8P blood-draw, BP, and temp, and her heart rate had come down to 90’s and that’s with no new meds either! So I know that prayers are working! Just keep them coming.
God is so good!
Thank you and God Bless!

My buddy Mike is going through some difficult times. I can’t give details, but it’s family stuff, not disease or financial problems. He is on my list today, and I hope he’ll be on yours.

I told him about the powerful results fasting had produced in my life. Maybe it will help him. I’m still losing weight, and I still have increased self-control and peace.

As for me and my family, we are trying to get things arranged so the cancer treatment goes smoothly. I am going to have to take a hand in managing appointments and getting information from doctors, and there are sensitive financial arrangements that have to be made, and this may be a hard couple of days, so any help would be very welcome. In particular, my dad will be under a lot of stress.

I am very grateful to see that my early mornings are working again. For a while, I couldn’t seem to get up earlier than 7:00, no matter what I did. Rising wasn’t the problem. Things kept coming up to prevent me from getting to bed early. Over the last week, that problem has gone away, so I’ve been doing much better. I’m convinced that getting up as early as possible is a very important part of a successful Christian life. I want to make sure my enemies start the day walking on their heels, and like I’ve said before, almost nothing worthwhile happens after 9 p.m. If Jay Leno means more to you than peace and prosperity, you are hopeless.

Wait…Jay Leno retired, right? I forgot.

This couldn’t have happened at a better time. Tomorrow is a chemotherapy day, and my sister will also have lab work, so she needs to be at the hospital at around 8:00, and we don’t know whether she’ll feel like driving home, so she’ll need a ride. She may also start radiation. It’s not clear. She isn’t researching this stuff the way I am. I’ve seen a lot of ominous information about radiation side effects. Chemo has been almost painless, but radiation causes fatigue as well as eating problems, and when they irradiate your head, all sorts of things can happen. So I’m trying to see to it that we’re ready. Because I’m already getting up early, morning rides to the hospital will be no problem.

I don’t tell my sister the negative things I’ve read about her condition, unless she insists or there is an important reason to tell her. She doesn’t know much about her own cancer, and she doesn’t want to. I suppose she has a right to decide how much bad news she wants to hear. And the news is so bad, I’m not eager to tell her.

Sometimes I feel tempted to tell her she has to get on the ball regarding some issue or other because x or y is in her future, and she needs to be ready for it. But I avoid dropping big bombs.

I’m getting back to work on my pastor’s book now. Thanks for everything.

Seems Like Everyone is Sick

Heather’s mom needs prayer.

My mom is back in the hospital. Her heart is going to have to be stopped and shocked back into rhythym. She is also in kidney failure, but they are improving, so all prayers are appreciated.
God bless!

We are trying to get things going with my sister’s treatment. Not medical issues, but difficulties getting family members to work together peacefully and smoothly. If anyone wants to throw out a prayer, I would sure appreciate it.

Catch a Gamefish, not a Bottom-Feeder

I can’t believe I’m finally writing something that will be useful to God. For a long time, I’ve wished I had some way to put my writing ability to good use, but I came up dry. The main issue is that I’m not qualified to write Christian books on my own. I am not a Bible scholar or a pastor. I suppose I could write something if I had someone with more authority guiding me, but I would have to stay away from anything tending to make me look more knowledgeable than I really am. By helping an experienced pastor with a book, I can bypass the problems. The ideas are his, and he has the final word, so it’s not too likely that the world will end up reading something stupid which I inserted through ignorance.

I wish I had gotten this involved long ago. Christian life is much easier when you know you aren’t alone, and it’s also easier when you’re doing something that gives you purpose.

Yesterday while I was working on the book, I kept seeing one indication after another that God aimed this project at me. I’m not just writing it down. I’m learning from what it says, and it’s exactly what I need. It’s always startling when he confirms himself, which is strange, because it happens so often, you would think I’d get used to it.

The book is about planning a family, and the section I’ve worked on so far is about finding a spouse. Guess what he compares a quality spouse to? A dolphin. The green fish my father and I catch off Miami all the time. He compared unsuitable spouses to catfish. You can catch them anywhere, and the bait doesn’t matter. If you want a dolphin, you have to search and be persistent, and you have to go where they school. When I read that, I remembered what Aaron always tells me. “Fish in stocked ponds.” Coincidence, right? Tell yourself that if it makes you happy.

I had no idea the pastor liked to catch dolphin. What’s my dad’s favorite thing to do? Dolphin fishing. My dad, the guy I pray for all the time, hoping God will get through to him. I emailed the pastor and told him he needed to fish with us. Later I told my dad. He said, “I’m afraid he’ll get the Holy Ghost on me.”

He was joking, but it just might happen.

The book contains a lot of solid advice no one ever spelled out for me before. For example, you have to look at a potential mate’s family and ask yourself if you want your kids to be around them. The example he gave was a father-in-law who gets drunk at seven a.m. and spends the day cursing at everyone. Conventional wisdom tells us you marry the person, and that love conquers all. In reality, you marry the family.

He also said you should not demand fireworks up front. This is another thing Aaron likes to talk about. The Orthodox have their kids meet each other and get to know each other, but they don’t have the kind of long, meandering engagements the rest of us have. There’s no sex, and maybe sometimes the chemistry is not obvious at first, but they expect to grow to love each other. That’s virtually the same take you’ll see in the book. And doesn’t Ecclesiastes say the end of a thing is better than the beginning? That’s a universal principle.

He used Samson as an example of what happens when you date or marry outside your faith. Again, this is something society tells us is romantic and sort of noble, but in reality, it’s a recipe for misery.

He called Delilah a catfish. She was a Philistine, from the same area that gives the Jews so many problems today.

Socially, the church is not right for me and my sister. At least, it seems that way at the moment. I would guess that the church is about 75% black, and a lot of them are from the islands, and a big percentage of the congregation is made up of single mothers. It makes for a tough financial picture. And it’s not the kind of place where everyone will look like me or have a lot in common with me. But I don’t see the problem. It’s working. The closer I get to it, the better things seem to work. Maybe now I can get more involved and find ways to do more to help.

I haven’t heard anything back about the truck I made an offer on. If I get a suitable vehicle, I can help the church with guest speakers and so on.

In other news, the benefits of fasting seem to be lasting. Maybe this is the key to self-control. Maybe if you fast AND combine it with directed prayer, it cleans you up. All I know is, I’ve lost a belt notch, and another one is about to go. And I don’t feel deprived at all. And I feel more relaxed and less irritable, and I seem to have more control in all areas.

I’m the only one losing weight, fortunately. On Sunday, I made cornbread and soup beans for my sister, and yesterday I made her take a loaf of homemade bread home. Radiation is on the way, and so is most of the chemo, so she needs to eat everything she can find. I don’t know if she’s taking it seriously enough, but luckily, this is an area where I have a special gift.

After lunch I’ll be working on the book again. I can’t wait to get to it.

If you haven’t come up with a project for the Forty Days of Teshuvah, there is still time. Get to it.

Freeze it, Dry it, Can it, Love it

It’s Labor Day! That means I should not be laboring. But I am. I am trying to get some work done on Pastor Wilkerson’s book. I also have to slice up and freeze the Costco prime rib roasts that have been aging here since last week. I still can’t believe I got prime beef for under eight bucks a pound.

It’s really shocking, how cheap food is when you put thought into it. The beans I fixed yesterday are fantastic, and they’re very good for you, and you can make a pot of them for maybe three bucks. The cornbread contains one egg, a quarter of a cup of grease (free, if you save it when you cook bacon), 12 ounces of milk, and two cups of meal. What does that cost? Let’s see. An egg runs about fifteen cents. The meal is something under a dollar. The milk is under fifty cents. It ain’t much.

I you buy whole pork loins at Costco, you get a giant loaf of meat for about 15 bucks. It’s something like 40 pork chops, and two of them will make a meal. Seventy-five cents per meal! And it’s not second-rate food. Pork chops are wonderful.

Ham hocks are a great deal, provided you’re willing to man up and eat the fat. Two hocks contain enough energy to make a meal all by themselves.

The pot of chili I made the other day ran me about 15 bucks, but that’s because I didn’t make any effort to get cheap meat. It was a spur of the moment idea. I suppose a smart person would get Costco beef and freeze it in one-pound bags. I don’t know what they charge for ground beef, but it can’t be a lot. And there’s no reason you can’t grind up a pork loin and freeze it. My chili is half pork and half beef, so I have to have ground pork. Maybe I should get a grinder. They’re cheap. I don’t know what Cuisinart ground meat looks like, but I’ll bet it’s not great.

Even though I paid too much for ingredients, 15 bucks is not bad for eight or ten huge portions of dynamite chili.

I need to start cooking the rest of my SHTF dried beans. After a year in storage, they’ll be too hard to cook. I suppose I can prepare one bag per month and freeze the results. Oh, boy. That would be pure hedonism. Bags and bags of frozen bean soup, full of pork chunks, pepper, and onions. Best not to dwell on it. I know it sounds stupid, but if you make bean soup right, it’s magnificent.

Because I live in Florida, I have to think about hurricanes. That means I should get real and start canning. Some day, a hurricane may take out my frozen food. What a horror. I would not lose canned stuff.

Home-canned food is great. Don’t let anyone tell you different. I’ve never had store-bought sweet pickles as good as the ones my grandmother used to make. And she used to can her own sausage, suspended in congealed grease. Best sausage I ever ate, and the residual grease has a thousand uses in the kitchen.

When you cook your own pork, you get to decide how it tastes. And you can take steps to make sure there is no gaminess in it. Most commercial sausage has at least a little boar taint. There is no excuse for it, but that’s how it is. A soak in water and baking soda kills it.

It just occurred to me that I can freeze bananas. They wouldn’t be worth eating out of hand, but you can cook with them. I can also dehydrate them and have chips. I’m going to have tons of bananas and plantains, so I have to do something.

I am trying to learn to think of the stuff I own as God’s property. If that’s true, I have to avoid frittering money away. I can’t say I’m a good steward if I buy food on impulse, at the highest prices, or if I throw out produce because I’m too lazy to preserve it. If you don’t take care of little things, you can’t expect to receive big ones. Check the gospels.

I don’t think everyone has to live like the Waltons, but some expenses don’t make much sense. For example, buying bread. If you own a food processor, a loaf of bread is almost no work, and the cost is minimal. It will be a lot better than store bread. The only advantage of store bread is convenience. I know people have limited time, but the actual hands-on time required to bake bread is about five minutes. And bread freezes with no damage. You can make ten loaves in a day and freeze them.

Costco’s freezer bags are not a great deal. Ebay is better.

It’s not about depriving yourself. It’s about not being an idiot. It’s about getting value for your money. Why spend twenty dollars and get one choice steak when you can spend a hundred and get over a dozen prime steaks? Why pay a restaurant to cook mediocre food when you can have better food at home? And if you arrange life so you have more money for yourself and your family, you’ll also have more money for your church and other people’s needs.

Maybe if I make an effort, I can do a better job taking care of my money. During these Forty Days of Teshuvah, my big aims are to get past laziness and irresponsibility. I’m not a basket case, but there is a lot of room for improvement.

Your Ears Have to be Exactly the Right Shape

Church was exceptionally good today. I can’t tell you all the reasons, but it went very well, from the time I left home until I left the building after the service.

My sister and I went up to talk to the pastor after the sermon. I wanted to let him know how my work on his book was going, and I guess she just wanted to say hi. I told him I only had 3,000 words transcribed, but he seemed very happy with my progress. I asked him to let me know if I could do anything else for him, and he said, “Cornbread!”

I gave him the URL of my blog last week, and evidently, he has read the blog and also watched my Youtube videos, and one of them is about cornbread. He has ruined my plan, which was to concoct a totally phony personality and convince him I was not only normal, but extraordinarily holy. Now I guess the truth is out, so I may as well relax and be the slouch that I am, in church as well as around the house.

The other obvious problem is that he and his wife may ask me to cook stuff for them, which means they’ll be lucky to last a year without buying motorized fat carts and having multiple bypasses. It has been 20 years since I’ve had a regular pastor. I don’t want to kill this one before I can learn anything from him. He says he has diabetes, so I guess I’m the last person on earth he needed to meet.

I took a bunch of brownies to the church on July 4, for some kind of outdoor thing they were doing, but I didn’t hear back about them. I assume they were spirited away by the first five or six people who got into them, so in all likelihood, no one else at the church realizes they existed. Maybe that’s for the best. At 540 calories each, they represent the worst kind of temptation.

The sermon was almost spooky; it was as if it had been written with my family in mind. A cynic would say that was because I met with the pastor last week, so he knew what to say. But some of the parts of the sermon that seemed most apt had nothing to do with anything we discussed. The basic theme was that you need to get the little private sins out of your life before they become public problems. When you try to lead a Christian life in spite of things you haven’t fixed, it’s like letting a scab grow over an infected sore. Sooner or later, it’s going to open up, and all that filth will spill out onto the surface.

I think when Jesus talked about binding the strong man and spoiling his house, he meant that you have to fast and pray and get the spiritual bad influences out of your life, and then the Holy Spirit will grow in their place. So that fits in with the sermon. You can put on a smiley face and pretend your days as a sinner are behind you, but I think some bad habits come from the urgings of malicious spirits, and you have to do something to render them harmless. Otherwise, you’re using human tools to fight powerful spirit-generated urges, and the urges will eventually win. This is probably why we occasionally see famous preachers on the covers of the tabloids, over the word “SCANDAL.”

Sometimes the pastor mentions things God has let him know. I have to wonder what that’s like. I get all sorts of urges which, in my opinion, come from God. I get insights, and sometimes I suddenly realize I’m doing something wrong. But I can’t say for sure that God tells me anything factual, the way some people say he tells them things. Many Christians cite examples of this phenomenon. I’ve seen plenty of weird things that I know were supernatural, but God never says a word to me. Not that I can hear, anyway.

He hasn’t mentioned the Forty Days of Teshuvah, but he talked about Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur today, in a way that expressed the same ideas. This is the time of year when you reflect, repent, and pray. You try to figure out how you’re screwing up, and you try to fix it. I didn’t feel too concerned about myself during the sermon, probably because I was already caught up in changing myself. I’m always leery of concluding a message isn’t aimed at me, but I think sometimes it’s okay. You can’t be wrong about everything all the time.

He asked us to raise our hands if we had ever committed sins after justifying them by saying we were only hurting ourselves. I didn’t raise my hand. It wasn’t because I was stronger than those people. It was because I generally haven’t bothered to worry about whether I was hurting anyone else. Maybe the people who raised their hands are better off than I am.

After fasting last week, I seemed to have more self-control in my life, and it appears to be a lasting thing. I’m still tempted, but now the self-control is just a little stronger than the desire to give in. That little edge makes all the difference. You don’t have to be nearly perfect to behave. After all, Obama won by only 7 percentage points, and that, unfortunately, was enough to make him the President. This is why we call him “The Iwon.”

For the last few weeks, I’ve had a persistent feeling–I would call it a conviction–that God was about to do something wonderful in my life. I keep wondering what it is. Is it the increase in self-control? That would be plenty, all by itself. Is it the new relationship with my church, which will let me do worthwhile things with my time? Does it have anything to do with helping my pastor write a book? I’ve started hearing really promising new songs in my head. I want to write those down this week. Could they be part of it? I’ve always had a problem with music running around in my head, yet I had a hard time composing original songs. Writing is extremely easy for me, but lyrics were even harder than tunes. Now that seems to be changing.

I have not made cornbread for the pastor, but I’ll be making it for my sister today. She decided she wanted soup beans and cornbread, so the soup beans are simmering, and if she ever gets over here, I’ll get out the skillet and make the cornbread. I don’t want any. She needs fattening food because of the cancer. I used some of my SHTF dried beans. You have to rotate them, because beans only keep for a year, and this seemed like a good opportunity. The beans and cornbread are going to be amazing, but I just don’t have the urge to stuff myself, so I plan to send the whole mess home with her.

I made an offer on a white Ford F150. I’m not doing any business today, so even though I know the dealer replied to my email, I’m not checking it until tomorrow. I hope he’s willing to be reasonable. The recession isn’t going away, and this is a year-old truck. I don’t mind giving him a fair price, but in this atmosphere, covering his cost plus five hundred bucks is very generous. That’s what I plan to give him. I am a sucker for giving that much.

It’s nice being old and patient. If I were in my twenties, I’d be tormented by the urge to make the deal and get it over with. As it is, I don’t care if it takes six months. Judging by the new unemployment figures, it’s completely possible that this truck will still be unsold at that time.

Christianity actually works, if you do it right. Your life won’t necessarily be perfect, but it will be right. If you’re thinking about giving it a shot, I highly recommend it.

Plus Truck Stuff

I am in paradise. I decided I had to have some chili, so I got out my book and made a pot. I had some Jamaican hot chocolate peppers in the freezer, and I thawed out a bag, chopped up some of it, and threw it in. I guess I used so much, it would have added up to more than one pepper. And these things are HOT! Worse than your usual habanero. Very nice.

I didn’t use store chili powder. I mixed paprika and cumin, and I toasted them in a hot pan. Then I added ground chipotles. Beautiful.

I guess when people see tequila in the recipe, they think it’s a gimmick, but you can taste it. I used mezcal. Seems to have more flavor. The only reason I own this stuff is to put it in chili. I remember what tequila and mezcal headaches are like. You wake up, you feel great for one hour, and then you die.

It’s wonderful to make chili just for myself, because when I cook it for other people, I can’t put any heat in it. I’ve gotten so I don’t enjoy it unless it’s roasting hot. A while back, I went to a restaurant, and when the waiter asked how spicy to make the food, I told him, “Try to kill me.”

I think the cheddar cheese I dissolve in the chili (today it was actually Double Gloucester) allows me to use more heat, because butterfat tones down the pain. I served the chili decorated with a handful of cheese chunks (in addition to the dissolved cheese) plus two or three tablespoons of sour cream.

I seem to enjoy food more these days, maybe because I have more self-control and I’m not stuffing myself all the time. I only had one bowl of chili, and I followed it with half a pint of ice cream. I could never have eaten half a pint of ice cream a year ago. Two pints? No problem. Half a pint was impossible.

I’m getting good comments on the truck question. Someone suggested the truck with the max tow package had a Dana rear end. I’m pretty sure the last time I encountered the phrase “Dana rear end,” Jimmy Carter was President. Both trucks have 3.73 gears and limited slip. The FX4 (non-max-tow) has some kind of electronic limited slip. I can’t tell you who makes any of this stuff.

Someone mentioned bigger trucks, like the F250. I don’t plan to tour the country with a travel trailer. I don’t think a big pickup is necessary. If I get an F150 the way I like it, I’ll be able to put over a ton in the bed, and I’ll be able to tow things like motorcycle trailers. That ought to be sufficient. I’ve read about the big trucks, and they sound crude, not to mention expensive and hard on gas.

It’s not so much that I want F250 capabilities. I just don’t want to find out I didn’t get the most I could in an F150. And there are big differences.

Right now, you can get a thousand dollars off if you finance. But I hate debt. I think going into debt unnecessarily is opening the door to problems. It’s a chink in your spiritual armor. On top of that, Aaron has informed me that the Talmud says you shouldn’t price-shop when you don’t intend to buy. Orthodox Jews consider it immoral. If I were to finance, it would only be to get the discount, and I’d pay the loan off as early as possible. It seems like the same basic idea as shopping with no intention to buy. Ford gives you money back. People do paperwork. A company anticipates profiting from the deal. Then you turn around and prove it was all a scam. I know nobody would be crying himself to sleep afterward. But deceit is deceit, regardless of whether the victim is a person or a company or a government.

I think I’ll make an offer on the white Lariat I found. I have to thank Obama. If he hadn’t meddled with the economy and sided against Israel whenever possible, I think we’d be on our way out of the recession now, and these wonderful rebates wouldn’t be available.

Latest Luxury

My new Bible arrived today. I will not even try to guess how excited this makes you.

I already had three Bibles. One is my mother’s old Bible. It’s a nice but well-worn leatherbound King James. This is the one I take to church. I used to wonder why Bibles were bound in soft leather covers, but now I realize they make a big difference in a book you have to carry around. I don’t want to keep carrying this one. It has no thumb indices, it’s not an easy version to read, it doesn’t have much added material, and it came from Kenneth Copeland Ministries, which is a little creepy. I also have The Complete Jewish Bible in blue leather. It’s excellent, because it was translated by Orthodox Jews (or Orthodox ex-Jews, if Aaron objects), and there are some things Gentiles just don’t translate correctly. But it has no columns, the print is tiny, and there are virtually no annotations, so it’s a pain to use. The third book is The Spirit-Filled Life Bible, in hardcover. I really like this one. The people who compiled it are pretty close to my view of things, and it’s full of historical information, annotations, references, and spiritual guidance. But I don’t want to carry a hard book to church.

The answer? The Spirit-Filled Life Bible, in burgundy leather, with thumb indices. I even had my initials put on it. Why not? It’s the New King James Version. I like this better than versions like the NIV, because (this is what I have been led to believe) it isn’t corrupted by political or secular considerations. In other words, God isn’t a lesbian, wives are supposed to submit to their husbands, there is no First Epistle of Al Gore, and so on and so on.

The thumb things are great, because some speakers just don’t take the time to let you find a book. And I won’t even pretend I know the order of the books in the New Testament. Let’s see. Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Acts, Romans…Revelation. I know Peter and Jude are pretty far back. That’s about all I can tell you.

The Jews put the Psalms in the wrong place. I said that just to be annoying, and I’ll bet it worked. In The Complete Jewish Bible, the Old Testament is arranged according to Jewish tradition (what a crazy idea), so the Psalms are near the end, and everything is moved around. On top of that, the books have their original names, which I can never seem to memorize. They can’t mess with the New Testament, though. The books are where they’re supposed to be. Although they renamed Hebrews.

Now I have two Spirit-Filled Life Bibles. Maybe I should give the hard one away.

I met with my pastor yesterday. I thought it went very well, although the start was a little rough. The church is a fairly confused place right now, and I apparently threw the whole joint into a panic by calling and asking about counseling. It was an innocent mistake on my part. When I joined, some of the materials listed a phone number for counseling, and my family is under stress, and I always tell other people to go to their churches for counseling, so I decided to try a dose of my own medicine. But this church is full of poor people, and evidently, when you say “counseling” to the staff, they think of rehab and foreclosure prevention and emergency housing and so on. They think of referring desperate people to county agencies. They don’t think of financially comfortable middle-aged white guys who under pressure because their sisters have cancer.

Anyway, after the fuss died down, my pastor made an appointment with me, and I went in for an hour. I took some Orinoco bananas, various hot peppers, key limes, and Persian limes. That made me happy. I think it’s a good idea to share anything you harvest with your church.

I found out there are some things I can do for the church, which was a big relief. I keep showing up, giving my offerings, and going home, and that’s not really what church should be like. You should try to do something beyond that. I helped build my last church. I worked in the music ministry. I drew a cartoon for the Sunday school program. I painted their sign. If you don’t do things like that, you remain a guest forever.

I already have a writing assignment, so I’m working on that. And they may need help with things like picking up guest speakers at the airport. The Thunderbird may not be the ideal vehicle for this, but I suppose occasionally they get someone whose luggage is small.

The church is in a huge commercial building with a lot of tenants on the upper floors. The bottom floor is full of gigantic empty spaces that are being turned into various types of facilities. All sorts of stuff for kids. He took me around and showed me what they’re doing. By the end of the year, it ought to be pretty impressive. But it would be a big help if they had more members who were not struggling financially.

From our conversation, I gathered that Miami is a tough nut for a church to crack. I think just about anyone could have told him that before he moved here, but I suppose that’s what makes Miami a good place for a preacher to go. We have voodoo, Santeria, spiritism, whatever nonsense the Brazilians worship, plus godless materialism and every type of perversion imaginable. And the racial prejudice is pretty bad. Cubans don’t mix all that well with blacks or other Hispanics, and apparently most black groups don’t get along with Haitians. Now that I think about it, ordinary white people probably have fewer problems than any other group. All the other groups hate each other too much to bother hating us. About the worst thing that happens to us is that we go to stores and can’t get the Cuban price on anything. And we’re not supposed to know that.

I got some good advice regarding my own troubles, which are not that bad to begin with. My sister’s illness dwarfs anything that might be bothering me.

I don’t know what’s up ahead. I maintain faith for her healing, but I think we are kidding ourselves about what the treatment will be like. The chemotherapy has been virtually problem-free, but radiation is on the way, and it has its own side effects, and we haven’t thought much about the wild cards. By that I mean the problems which doctors expect and lay people don’t. The chemo and radiation have high monetary costs, and we know those, and we would like to think that’s what the cancer will cost. That makes us reluctant to inquire about other issues. But cancer patients get things like thrush and pneumonia. All sorts of things we can’t foresee, even after three cancer deaths in the family. And the swine flu is here, and there is no vaccine.

Stay away from cigarettes and smokeless tobacco. Have I said that before? Sounds familiar. And if you don’t care enough about yourself to quit, care enough about your family to get insurance or save a lot of money. Live or die, your ordeal will be very expensive. And when you get sick, they’ll pay, no matter what they have to do.

I’m still using fasting to attack my family’s difficulties. It seems to change me. Since I had that breakthrough last week, I haven’t felt the same way about food, and I’ve lost two pounds. It’s not the fasting itself that made the weight drop off. It’s the way I act when I’m not fasting. I am able to control myself, even on Saturdays, when I used to gorge. I want to find out what else fasting can do for me, even though I hate doing it. I am afraid to believe it, but God may have put an end to my weight problems. That would be fantastic. I want to have one wardrobe, low blood pressure, healthy knees, snore-free sleep, and no risk of diabetes. I’m not a giant mountain of lard, but I want to drop 25 pounds and keep it off.

I think fasting was ineffective in the past because I didn’t pray much when I fasted. I felt so miserable, I just laid around suffering, waiting for the day to end. I knew that wasn’t the way to do it, but I felt horrible, and I didn’t have enough character to overcome it. If you have a problem like smoking or drinking or drugs, you might give fasting a try.

I thought this time of my life was a lull, because I wasn’t writing a book. But I’m helping my sister and looking after my business affairs, and now I have some things to do for the church, so I guess I won’t be idle. I’m very glad. That was something that concerned me.

Try not eating for a day or two. Maybe you’ll get the same kind of results I did.

Life is a Peter Max Poster

My post about Ben & Jerry’s drew a few comments I didn’t post. I hope people won’t be angry. The way my life is changing, I don’t know who will show up to read this blog, and I don’t want them reading fairly broad jokes about the more off-putting aspects of gay sex.

Speaking of gay, Ann Coulter says some states ban health insurance that doesn’t cover gender reassignment surgery. Can that be true? I think I’ll call my carrier and ask if I’m covered. While insisting they refer to me as “Louise.”

I’ll bet calls like that make a customer service rep’s day. I think this is why they like to record calls. They probably have office pools, where they bet on the call of the week.

I remember reading about a person who started out as a man, then had himself chopped up and turned into a dreadful imitation of a woman, and then changed his mind and went back and became a dreadful imitation of a man. I think that’s correct. It’s confusing. He may have started out as a woman. I saw him on TV after all this was done, and he or she had a beard. Not that this proves anything. These days, gender traits that were once dispositive are merely considered clues.

Here’s what you have to wonder. What was going on in the mind of the doctor who approved the second surgery? They always claim they’re super-careful about whom they select. No, it’s not like they just run a bunch of phony psych tests for CYA purposes, while their main interest is your ability to pay. Don’t even think that. They’re experts! They have ethics! So when a guy (or whatever) shows up and says he or it wants a second surgery, shouldn’t some bells go off somewhere? And if the second surgery was okay ethically, wasn’t the first surgery malpractice or something? Maybe the doctor who approved it needs career reassignment surgery.

What did this person say to the doctor? “I’m a man trapped in the body of a woman who used to be a man…I’m pretty sure”? Did that actually fly with whoever made the decision to operate?

If life is this weird now, what’s it going to be like ten years from now? Will drug abuse still exist? Why would people pay for drugs when the world is already a nonstop acid trip?

Aaron has noted that the Talmud says the Biblical flood occurred when man offended God by sanctioning gay marriage and marriage between humans and animals. I remember writing a piece a long time ago, in which I pointed out that, absent Biblical prohibitions, there is no valid reason to ban bestiality. I’m serious. You can’t claim animals never consent, or that they always suffer. It should be obvious without proof that there are perverts who can get animals to participate enthusiastically in their pursuits. Come on, think about it. Some guy taught a squirrel to water ski. That has to be harder than wooing a goat. I defy you to make a squirrel do anything.

You can cite some goofy, effete concern about “unequal bargaining positions” or an animal’s inability to give “informed” consent. But that’s all sophistry, i.e. absurdly transparent and tendentious pretextual lies. Animals don’t consent to be turned into purses or Jell-O or soap, but we still do it. We make horses carry us around. We make elephants do silly things at the circus. Animal consent has never been taken seriously by human beings, and it never will be. Not until we can grow ham in a windowbox.

Incest can’t be banned, either. Not purely on public interest grounds. There’s a small chance that two siblings will have deformed kids, but if you think about it, that’s not a sufficient reason to ban incest. If it were, the abortion of deformed babies would be mandatory, and even Obama hasn’t suggested that (yet). People with genetic diseases would be subject to forced sterilization. And what about siblings who are already sterile? Why should they be kept apart? The reason for banning incest is that it’s immoral and perverted, because God said so. And even that prohibition was not always in place. Abraham was the half-brother of Sarah. On Father’s Day, they must have saved a bundle. “This is from both of us. P.S. Quit worshiping Nannar.”

I shudder to think of the flavors Ben & Jerry’s will be pushing in the future. Chunky Monkey Hubby. Phish Fiancee. Eric the Half a Bee Motel Six Raspberry Swirl.

That last one was a reach.

Maybe the Rapture won’t be a dramatic and solemn event, the way Christians assume it will. Maybe it will be more like stopping the ride so the sane people can get off.

I hope Haagen-Dazs doesn’t come out in favor of pedophilia or snuff films or anything. A while back, a Christian company tried to put premium ice cream on the market, but for some reason, it didn’t work out. If Haagen-Dazs starts backsliding, I may have to give up ice cream and demonstrate a little character.

I don’t think anyone wants to see that happen.

Eat This at Your Tacky IKEA Table

I just read the story about Ben & Jerry’s renaming one of their flavors “Hubby Hubby,” in support of gay marriage.

This is bad, but then I already knew these people were nuts. I remember when Ben drove around the country with a very non-green propane-powered parade float behind his gas-guzzling truck, depicting a giant pair of pants. The idea was that these were George Bush’s pants and that they were on fire. Witty. I still can’t think of any lies that were pinned to George Bush. The yellowcake thing turned out to be true, and if he was wrong about WMD, it was a mistake, not a lie. Kind of impressive, if you think about it. Anyway, it looks like I’m going to have to cut Ben & Jerry’s completely out of my diet. No more Cherry Garcia. No more Heath Bar Crunch. Sad. Not that I needed it.

This was a bad move, regardless of morality. I think it’s fair to say that most straight men don’t want the image of gay snugglebunnies in their minds when they’re trying to eat.

Haagen-Dazs is better, anyway. Ben & Jerry’s is full of chemicals, or at least it was the last time I checked. Read the label.

I wish the local pizzerias and Chinese restaurants would come out in favor of gay marriage. I’d drop thirty pounds.

Find Something to Hold Onto

If you ever have to deal with a close relative who has cancer, be forewarned. There are peaks and troughs, and you will not be able to predict their nature or when they will come. So enjoy the peaks as much as you can, and in the troughs, remember how bad you felt before the last peak. Remember how sure you were that you would never have another happy moment.

We have reached the point where doctors are taking time out to make it clear that the word “cure,” in the context of certain cancers, does not mean the same thing it means when you have strep throat or athlete’s foot. I’m sure many of you have been there. Doctors try to use optimistic language, especially early in the disease’s progress, so they say things like “cure” in a loose, deceptively hopeful way that might later be called heartless. I guess that makes me heartless, too, because I had read the statistics, and I chose not to argue.

Also, the financial burden is starting to become better defined. That’s an area where cancer patients get lots of surprises.

So far, treatment has been a breeze. The oncologist says this type of chemo is least pleasant during the first round, so a good first round is great news. But next week, radiation starts. Twice a day. I’ve seen what it can do to people.

I have been trying to come up with a good writing project, and given the changes in my life, it has not been easy to think of things. I used to think this was a problem, but I was wrong. Right now, I have free time. If I were writing all day, or doing radio or TV promotion, I would have to cancel things in the upcoming weeks so I could drive to and from the cancer center. The more help you have from your family, the less costly and stressful treatment will be. My writing lull makes me available.

It’s easy to feel as though something is after my whole family, picking us off one by one. My aunt passed in ’94, and my grandfather followed a month later. Then my uncle. Then my mother. My grandmother died at 92, which isn’t something I should complain about, but it happened to fall within the string of deaths we’ve experienced. My cousin died in a plane crash. My dad is 77, and he needs to lose weight and learn to relax. I’m tired of death, and I’m especially tired of cancer, because we never seem to get the kinds you can’t prevent. When people in your family smoke cigarettes or chew tobacco, you always feel that you’re living at the foot of the gallows, waiting for the next name to be called. And they do get called.

God keeps moving in our lives. I want my sister to take the right attitude and be here to see the end product. I can’t make her do anything she doesn’t want to do, but I’m glad I’m better armed for this fight than I would have been two years ago.

Stupidity is not Faith

I got all excited about Jentezen Franklin’s book on fasting, and I wrote about it, and then I got this comment:

Reverend Franklin also hops on a private jet after his services on Sunday mornings in Gainesville, GA (20 minutes from me) and flies to Orange County, CA for some preaching there.

I think the guy isn’t so much motivated by the Holy Spirit as he is the Almighty Dollar. But that’s just my opinion, and I am generally skeptical of mega church pastors.

I’m not dismissing what Franklin has to say about fasting, but I just caution you to be a tad more critical of preachers such as him.

This is always the problem with charismatics. I don’t know why it doesn’t hit non-charismatics so hard. They’re just as subject to temptation. But somehow, you don’t see Catholic priests with their own jets, or Baptists with fleets of luxury cars. If there are examples out there, I don’t know about them. The Pope has pretty spiffy digs, but he can’t control the wealth of the church the way an independent preacher can.

I took a look at Franklin’s website, and he was asking people for a “seed” of one thousand dollars, to get God moving in their lives. I just can’t buy into that, no matter how much I liked the book. I think preaching prosperity and health is fine, and I think these things are linked to giving, but if I were doing the preaching, I would just say “give” and leave out the phrase “to me.” The Bible talks a great deal about giving to the poor. It doesn’t mention a single prosperity preacher, to my knowledge. It says we should give tithes and quality offerings, but I can’t think of anyone in the Bible who was asked to give a “miracle seed gift of fifty shekels” in order to receive “a hundredfold return.” And I’m pretty sure the people who received the tithes and offerings weren’t living like kings.

I like Perry Stone a lot. He has an informative, interesting show. He believes in prosperity and miracles and so on. But he refuses to beg. Every show has a commercial for a DVD or something. That’s fine. Air time costs money, and I think he really believes his products are helpful. But you never see him whining about how the devil is about to repossess his Bentley because the old grannies on Social Security aren’t sending him enough money. You never see him say “Give me x, and God will give you y.” He claims God will not permit him to ask for money. Corrie ten Boom said the same thing.

Gamaliel said it was a bad idea to oppose the Apostles. He said that if God wasn’t with them, they would fail, but if he was with them, the Jewish authorities would find themselves fighting God. Doesn’t the same sort of idea apply to ministries? Would God tell you to start a TV ministry and then require you to moan and cry for money? If God is with you, presumably, you’re going to win. If you lose, doesn’t that mean he was not on board?

I thought things were improving in the charismatic churches, and they are, but there is still a ways to go. I much prefer Robert Morris’s approach. He preaches about prosperity all the time, but he does not ask for money. And he never says he’s the person you should send your money to. Now that I think about it, I have no idea how he pays for air time. I wouldn’t know how to donate to him if I wanted to. I received his book when I joined my church, and I watch his show as part of basic cable, and my sister gave me some of his DVDs. Now I’m starting to feel sorry for him. But he has a big church with an astounding, world-famous music team.

Another point in his favor: he doesn’t claim “prosperous” equals “rich.”

If he keeps this up, he’s going to offend a lot of religious broadcasters.

I think you’re supposed to give where you see a need. Does a rich TV preacher need my money? You can give a relatively small amount to a Christian charity and immunize a whole brigade of kids for life. After you’re dead, you will still be blessing them. You can move an Ethiopian Jew from a filthy camp to Ben Gurion Airport. Change his life forever. Isn’t that better than paying to upgrade the silver faucets in some preacher’s mansion? If they showed that they were doing something worthwhile with the money, I’d be more understanding, but it looks like it all goes into their businesses and their salaries. Many charities give over 80% of their gross to the needy. That’s not bad.

I still like the fasting book.

Read This Book

I got a fascinating book today, on my sister’s recommendation. Jentezen Franklin’s Fasting. I suppose you can guess what it’s about.

Franklin runs a church in northern Georgia. Every year, his congregation starts things off with a 21-day fast. They don’t all fast, and not all of them fast for 21 days, but during the first 21 days of the year (or maybe the 21 before New Year’s; I forget), they are encouraged to fast, and many of them do.

Some of the book is about “toxins” and the supposed health benefits of fasting. I take that stuff with a grain of salt. There is a lot of mythology about mystical substances the body supposedly contains, which can be expelled via sweating or enemas or fasting or eating vegetables or drinking olive oil or who knows what else. I have never seen a respected physician mention these things, and I am not as confident in this business as Franklin is. Other parts of the book are about the spiritual benefits of fasting. This is different. This is within his area of expertise, so I have no reason to doubt his knowledge or inspiration.

I got about halfway through the book this afternoon, and it was an exciting read. He confirmed that my experience was not unusual. People who fast and pray are often delivered from hard-to-control urges. I knew fasting was associated with exorcism, but casting a demon out of another person is not the same as being delivered from your own compulsions.

He pointed out that one of Sodom’s major sins was gluttony. Look at Ezekiel 1:49-50. It’s not clear in some translations, but The Complete Jewish Bible actually uses the word “gluttony” in that passage. In addition to sexual perversion, the Sodomites didn’t do charity, they were lazy, they were arrogant, and they didn’t fast. He noted something else, which I had never seen taught before. Most charismatics are familiar with the passage from Joel which predicts a wave of Holy-Spirit baptisms (Joel 2:28). What I did not realize is that this, and other blessings, are conditioned on fasting (Joel 2:15). See for yourself.

One of the exciting things about Biblical interpretation is seeing how a passage translated with words that seem to mean one thing can actually mean something different, which is more illuminating. Franklin mentioned a Psalm passage which, in the context of his book, seems to suggest I’m not the only one who feels isolated from God during a fast. Take a look at Psalm 42:

1 As the hart panteth after the water brooks, so panteth my soul after thee, O God.

2 My soul thirsteth for God, for the living God: when shall I come and appear before God?

3 My tears have been my meat day and night, while they continually say unto me, Where is thy God?

If you don’t have fasting in mind when you read this, it sounds like purple prose and melodrama. Today, to me, this sounds like a person who is fasting and who feels distant from God during the process. If your tears are your food, presumably, you’re not eating. If you thirst for God, presumably, you feel as if he is far away. This passage reminds me of Psalm 63, which seems to describe charismatic prayer and worship.

Franklin’s book also seems to reveal a striking similarity between actions urged by the Rosh Hashanah prayer (which I have been writing about this week) and the main obligations of a Christian. Orthodox Jews believe that on Rosh Hashanah (first day of the religious year for Jews), God decides what each person’s fate will be during the coming year, and they believe he seals this fate in his book in heaven on Yom Kippur. On Rosh Hashanah, Jews recite the Unetaneh Tokef, a prayer which confirms this. The end of the prayer indicates that a year of punishment (possibly in the form of death) can be avoided: “But repentance, prayer and charity avert the harsh decree.” Franklin states: “The three duties of every Christian are giving, praying, and fasting.”

Did he have the prayer in mind when he wrote that? There is no indication in the book. But look at the remarkable similarity. “Giving” expresses the fundamental duty to be generous, which includes charity as well as support for the church. Both sentences mention prayer. Fasting is not synonymous with repentance, but I think it’s safe to say that all fasting is repentance, even if not all repentance takes the form of fasting. All fasting is a turn away from earthly concerns and toward Godly ones.

It’s even more remarkable, when you consider the purpose of fasting. When you fast, you are trying to get God to give you relief. Maybe you’re not trying to get relief in advance, as you would prior to Rosh Hashanah, but the principle is the same. You want to be moved out of your current problems or out of the path of future difficulties.

Here’s something that will disturb lots of people. He says fasting is necessary for all of us, as a normal part of Christian life. He makes a good argument. For one thing, he notes that Jesus considered fasting important for his own ministry. It would be pretty odd if he had to fast 40 days in order to do his job, and the rest of us didn’t have to fast at all. Second thing: Jesus said his disciples would fast when he was gone. He told certain Pharisees that the disciples weren’t fasting while the bridgegroom was with them, but that they would later.

I guess you can file the above paragraph under “tough love.” Sorry. Don’t shoot the messenger.

If it will help ease the blow, Franklin notes that partial fasts have value. Daniel got a lot done by refusing certain foods, for example. This may be a good time for me to announce that I’m giving up liver, cheap beer, margarine, raw oysters, sour milk, moldy bread, and soy burgers. I hope that pays off.

It occurred to me as I read this that the power of partial fasting may be one explanation for kashrut. Kosher food isn’t particularly healthy, as a quick glance around a shul will reveal. And it’s not always clear why God chose the foods he did. But if Franklin is right, keeping kosher is a lifelong partial fast, and it’s something that has to bring a certain amount of blessings. Jews say it’s primarily about obedience. If so, that seems to make it a kind of fast.

There was some very encouraging stuff in the last pages I read. Franklin says people have influenced the health and even the behavior of loved ones by fasting. That’s phenomenal, because it’s generally much harder to get healing and character changes for others than it is for yourself. And some sick people are not well enough to fast on their own behalf. I guess this makes sense. Job offered sacrifices for his children.

I’ve written a little about the significance of forty-day-long periods of self-denial in the Bible, but Franklin brings up some which I had either forgotten or never noticed. Elijah fasted forty days. The Ninevites were called on to fast for forty days. I’m too lazy to look all the examples up, but they made an impression on me.

It’s so strange that I’m learning all this during the Forty Days of Teshuvah, prior to Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. What better time to get a major revelation about fasting? Especially with my sister in such need. Her chemotherapy started as the forty days were beginning. Maybe I can be of more help to her than I thought.

The TV hucksters of the Eighties and Nineties did the church a disservice by suggesting that Christians were supposed to be spoiled little gods who always got what they wanted. But they were right to think we were supposed to be powerful. There is more to our lot than suffering and forgiving and being persecuted and then dying in the gutter, broke, single, and covered with sores. Life is a war, and war brings wounds, but it also brings victories, doesn’t it?

I am going to have to schedule some fasts. There is no way around it. I don’t think I’ll ever stop being miserable when I fast. I really hate it. You will never see me write a bunch of BS about how fasting makes me feel all holy and sanctified and lightened of my earthly concerns. I can’t believe it when other people make claims like that. Are they for real? It gives me a terrible headache, my breath smells, I get anxious and depressed, and all I think about is food. There’s my inspiring testimony; hope you admire me and wish you were as holy as I am. I have never enjoyed fasting. But now I have something to motivate me. If I can change myself permanently and break out of ruts and plateaus by fasting, I want to do it. If I can help other people who are in real trouble, I want to do it. I don’t know how much I can write about it, because I don’t want to end up doing it for attention and approval. Maybe what I’ve written already will be helpful. If I can get people to look at this book, I don’t need to write anything more.

I Hope

I live for Saturday. Or at least I used to. I watched my calories all week, and then on Saturday, I let it all hang out. And I always started with a big greasy McDonald’s breakfast. It was a major event in my week. When I went to bed on Friday nights, I would lie there and think about breakfast.

This week I fasted, and when it was over with, I just didn’t seem to be as interested in food as I had been before. I tried to celebrate the end of the fast by stuffing myself, but I couldn’t finish the junk I got for myself. Yesterday, it continued. I didn’t get particularly hungry, and I didn’t feel shaky or weak or crabby. Last night I felt as if the trend would continue in the morning. I wondered if that could be true.

Today I got up and found I had no interest in McDonald’s. Instead I decided to take my dad to breakfast, and I had a nova platter. Not asceticism by any means, but very modest compared to McMuffins, oily biscuits, and deep-fried potatoes. Not to mention the large Coke I did not drink. I just used the McDonald’s website to calculate the calorie total of my usual meal, and it’s about 1600.

I’m not sure that I feel quite as relaxed as I did over the last couple of days. If I’ve lost anything, I want to get it back. I am willing to fast again. I am almost eager to do it. That’s amazing. It’s like looking forward to a root canal.

Skinny people claim fat people have no discipline, but that’s deceptive, because skinny people have no discipline, either, and they’re still skinny. Fat people are different. Something drives us. After a fat person has had more than enough, something still makes him crave one more biscuit. One more slice of pizza.

Are there spirits that cause it? Could be. They exist, and they do affect our behavior. Whatever the explanation is, I feel a lot better than I did a week ago. This is one of those blessings you hesitate to believe in, because it’s so big, it would be terrible to see it turn out to be a mirage. I would love knowing I would never have to have two sets of clothes. There are so many annoying things about being overweight, even if you’re not obese. Thin people can’t understand. It would be fantastic if I could forget about dieting for the rest of my life. I would love knowing I would never have to face the discouragement of relapse ever again. And the health benefits would be welcome. I don’t want to end up on blood pressure pills or insulin. I want my back to be strong and pain-free, and I don’t want plastic knees. I want to know that fat won’t slowly destroy my brain by cutting off my air as I sleep.

We’ll see how it goes. I hope I end up with a testimony that can help other people with their failings.