Don’t be a Catfish Hunter
September 8th, 2009Catch a Gamefish, not a Bottom-Feeder
I can’t believe I’m finally writing something that will be useful to God. For a long time, I’ve wished I had some way to put my writing ability to good use, but I came up dry. The main issue is that I’m not qualified to write Christian books on my own. I am not a Bible scholar or a pastor. I suppose I could write something if I had someone with more authority guiding me, but I would have to stay away from anything tending to make me look more knowledgeable than I really am. By helping an experienced pastor with a book, I can bypass the problems. The ideas are his, and he has the final word, so it’s not too likely that the world will end up reading something stupid which I inserted through ignorance.
I wish I had gotten this involved long ago. Christian life is much easier when you know you aren’t alone, and it’s also easier when you’re doing something that gives you purpose.
Yesterday while I was working on the book, I kept seeing one indication after another that God aimed this project at me. I’m not just writing it down. I’m learning from what it says, and it’s exactly what I need. It’s always startling when he confirms himself, which is strange, because it happens so often, you would think I’d get used to it.
The book is about planning a family, and the section I’ve worked on so far is about finding a spouse. Guess what he compares a quality spouse to? A dolphin. The green fish my father and I catch off Miami all the time. He compared unsuitable spouses to catfish. You can catch them anywhere, and the bait doesn’t matter. If you want a dolphin, you have to search and be persistent, and you have to go where they school. When I read that, I remembered what Aaron always tells me. “Fish in stocked ponds.” Coincidence, right? Tell yourself that if it makes you happy.
I had no idea the pastor liked to catch dolphin. What’s my dad’s favorite thing to do? Dolphin fishing. My dad, the guy I pray for all the time, hoping God will get through to him. I emailed the pastor and told him he needed to fish with us. Later I told my dad. He said, “I’m afraid he’ll get the Holy Ghost on me.”
He was joking, but it just might happen.
The book contains a lot of solid advice no one ever spelled out for me before. For example, you have to look at a potential mate’s family and ask yourself if you want your kids to be around them. The example he gave was a father-in-law who gets drunk at seven a.m. and spends the day cursing at everyone. Conventional wisdom tells us you marry the person, and that love conquers all. In reality, you marry the family.
He also said you should not demand fireworks up front. This is another thing Aaron likes to talk about. The Orthodox have their kids meet each other and get to know each other, but they don’t have the kind of long, meandering engagements the rest of us have. There’s no sex, and maybe sometimes the chemistry is not obvious at first, but they expect to grow to love each other. That’s virtually the same take you’ll see in the book. And doesn’t Ecclesiastes say the end of a thing is better than the beginning? That’s a universal principle.
He used Samson as an example of what happens when you date or marry outside your faith. Again, this is something society tells us is romantic and sort of noble, but in reality, it’s a recipe for misery.
He called Delilah a catfish. She was a Philistine, from the same area that gives the Jews so many problems today.
Socially, the church is not right for me and my sister. At least, it seems that way at the moment. I would guess that the church is about 75% black, and a lot of them are from the islands, and a big percentage of the congregation is made up of single mothers. It makes for a tough financial picture. And it’s not the kind of place where everyone will look like me or have a lot in common with me. But I don’t see the problem. It’s working. The closer I get to it, the better things seem to work. Maybe now I can get more involved and find ways to do more to help.
I haven’t heard anything back about the truck I made an offer on. If I get a suitable vehicle, I can help the church with guest speakers and so on.
In other news, the benefits of fasting seem to be lasting. Maybe this is the key to self-control. Maybe if you fast AND combine it with directed prayer, it cleans you up. All I know is, I’ve lost a belt notch, and another one is about to go. And I don’t feel deprived at all. And I feel more relaxed and less irritable, and I seem to have more control in all areas.
I’m the only one losing weight, fortunately. On Sunday, I made cornbread and soup beans for my sister, and yesterday I made her take a loaf of homemade bread home. Radiation is on the way, and so is most of the chemo, so she needs to eat everything she can find. I don’t know if she’s taking it seriously enough, but luckily, this is an area where I have a special gift.
After lunch I’ll be working on the book again. I can’t wait to get to it.
If you haven’t come up with a project for the Forty Days of Teshuvah, there is still time. Get to it.
September 8th, 2009 at 10:42 AM
Barbecued ribs, smoked pernil, barbecued chicken and potato salad made with lots of mayonaisse. Those were the things my wife liked when she was on chemo. She wanted to eat chicharones but they made her sick. She was also drinking some kind of horrible chicha made from noni.
The high calorie, high carb approach seems to work but then it seems that a lot of things are nauseating too, without much notice or explanation.
September 8th, 2009 at 10:51 AM
Years ago when gall bladder surgery was a large cut in the side of the upper abdomen, I had that surgery. My precious twin sister came to Louisiana to care for me. She fed me so well, “because it takes food to recover from surgery,” I think I gained five pounds. It was sweet of her but…
I have found since then that surgery and illness can cause you to loose 15 pounds practically overnight.
So, yes, you do need to get her prepared to have the body reserves it will take to conserve her.
God bless you and your sister.
PS to Ed, that sister is concerned conservative on my blog.
September 8th, 2009 at 11:49 AM
The Christian life is intended to be a collaborative deal – no lone rangers (it both helps build us up & insulatess from worldly tempations). I’m surprised that collaborating (or ghost writing) didn’t occur to you earlier.
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Good advice on the wife hunting (it matches what I am always telling young ladies about finding good men – they have to go where good men are likely to be congregating)
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I am glad that the writing angle is working here and allowing you to serve. Another idea on that – if your chirch is full of single mothers, then there just has to be a ton of opportunity for a handy fix it guy with a full complement of tools and stuff to serve God by helping financially struggling single moms with home repair/maintenance projects.
September 8th, 2009 at 12:50 PM
Of course, single moms have one special problem I am not interested in fixing.
September 8th, 2009 at 1:45 PM
The idea that we marry not just a person but that person’s family used to be something so automatically known that it wasn’t even considered worth speaking about — and now we aren’t supposed to speak about it because it’s “judgmental” and “how can you blame me for my family!” and romantic passion is supposed to forgive all anyway. Also there is the idea that once you get married you’re supposed to be a little island of two against the world and anyway this isn’t the Middle Ages so your little couple-island can move far away from your crazy family and only see them at… special holidays like Christmas, the ruination of which by crazy family problems is now an accepted trope of American existence. No wonder kids are such a mess and there are so many divorces.
PS: I had a friend in Miami who once was dating a real nice guy — as in, he wasn’t from Miami (he was from Chicago), had a good job with good prospects, etc. But he broke up with her because her family was nuts, and he didn’t like the way she interacted with them. (If your family is nuts but you are the civilized one who at least tries to treat them with respect that’s at least one point in your favor but how many people with nutty families are just as nutty when they are in the same room with those families?) Anyway, my friend was really insulted, because you’re supposed to “accept” your lover’s family just the way they are.
September 8th, 2009 at 1:46 PM
Truthfully, this is not a factor that weighs in my favor.
September 8th, 2009 at 1:53 PM
For girls especially, there is a basic physical safety thing in knowing the family and background of prospective mates. Its frightening how many young women are killed or abused by males they know nothing about but are all inlove with. Arranged, family directed, marriages sound good to me. (I raised three girls and have a 14 yr old grandaughter.)
September 8th, 2009 at 7:49 PM
That family disincentive on your part may counteract some of the single mom desperation. But being very upfront about not being in the marriage/relationship market would probably be the biggest thing you cold do to limit the misunderstandings.
September 8th, 2009 at 8:54 PM
“to serve God by helping financially struggling single moms with home repair/maintenance projects.”
James says “This is religion pure and undefiled: to help widows and orphans in their need and to keep oneself undefiled from the world.”
I like putting that on applications when they ask for your religion.
A lot of churches have “widows and orphans” ministries. I’ve headed a few. Changing oil, or a belt or brakes can save a life, not just money, for some of these women. But you’ve gotta get help, the pastor’s got to get behind it. Some churches do it as outreach, where the guys show up on a Saturday in the parking lot. It’s rewarding.
September 8th, 2009 at 10:06 PM
Fireworks is overrated and is a legacy of pagan emphasis on Eros. “Falling” in love is irrational and usually not a recipe for long term compatibility or happiness.
Relationships stand on 3 legs: values, goals and communication. Two strong legs and a wobbly leg is what constitutes most workable relationships.
Incompatible values ensures loss of respect. I don’t get how conservatives and leftists can put things aside to sleep with each other. Actually, I can, but it hardly can be called “making love”. Jewish sources teach that thoughts during conception are manifest in a child’s personality.
Incompatible goals ensures frustration. If one of my daughters wanted to live the life of a scholar’s wife but her hubby devoted his life to becoming an industrial baron, they’re not compatible. If one partner travels for a living and the other wants more companionship and homebody-ness, they’re not compatible. If one wants to live in the same city as family and the other doesn’t, they’re not compatible. Neither side is wrong in any of the above.
Communication (chemistry) is usually wobbly because of Venus and Mars speaking dialects of what appears to be the same language but aren’t. But this leg can be reinforced over time.
Orthodox dating (when done right) usually starts with compatibility of values being a given. No issues of a Friday night bowling league addict meeting a “shomer Shabbos”. Before the first “coffee date”, parents and friends do their homework on what the goals of the boy and girl are. If they’re not compatible, no need to meet. Nobody is expected or pressured to “change” to please the other because that usually ends up in later resentment. If values and goals are compatible, the first meeting is kept very light to determine if there is any chemistry.
Doing the values and goals homework “stacks the deck” in favor of a good outcome and reduces possibility of disappointment and the damage of a broken relationship. Nobody minds much if all that was invested was a couple of coffee dates. Then, if there’s interest, things escalate (not unlike doing an interview for an employee) to getting to know the prospective partner’s infrastructure (family, friends, teachers, clergy). Approaching the union like a business partnership that’s intended to last a half century and will inevitably hit difficult times is going to result in going into a relationship with open eyes and reasonable expectations.
Going into a relationship thinking how will the other make me happy is narcissism. Going into a relationship feeling that there’s a shared set of goals 5, 10, 20, 50 years down the line and shared values means that it’s worth investing the time to grow and communicate.
Sexual chemistry, like cooking, can be learned if both partners are willing. People aren’t angels, either. It’s important not to marry someone who physically repulses you. If your self esteem requires a gorgeous spouse, you are too immature to consider marriage because looks WILL fade. If your self esteem requires an exercise freak for a spouse, you are too immature for marriage because there is a reasonable chance you’ll be tested. I know a woman, a surgeon, who ran marathons and rode mountain bikes and she was in a car accident in her late 30’s and lost her career and ability to walk without a cane. If her husband defined his expectation of marriage by the “fun” he expected and by the lifestyle enabled by her career, he wasn’t ready for marriage.
Life is a test (of character) and you WILL be graded. And the Teacher demands that you rise to your potential. A life without failure and scars is a life untried.
And I’d LOVE to go on a fishing trip for dolphin with you, your Dad and your pastor. Someday, God-willing.
Lastly, some food for thought concerning Samson’s pursuit of Philistine Delilah. Note her deity: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dagon#Fish-god_tradition
September 9th, 2009 at 8:14 AM
“being very upfront about not being in the marriage/relationship market”
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It’s more a case of not being in the market for a single mom.
September 9th, 2009 at 12:56 PM
Steve – You should indeed be honest, but still be tactful about it (it hurt a lot of women’s feelings to hear that they’re rejected due to their children – whom they see as precious angels).
Aaron – I essentially agree, but there is some legitmacy to having some reasonable standards as to looks in a partner. Most couples that are well matched, in long term marriages, seem to have at least started out with a somewhat similar level of looks. One needs to understand that time is unkind to all, and not uniformly so, but I don’t think looks are irrelevent – a relatively lower priority certainly, but not irrelevant..