Life is a Peter Max Poster

My post about Ben & Jerry’s drew a few comments I didn’t post. I hope people won’t be angry. The way my life is changing, I don’t know who will show up to read this blog, and I don’t want them reading fairly broad jokes about the more off-putting aspects of gay sex.

Speaking of gay, Ann Coulter says some states ban health insurance that doesn’t cover gender reassignment surgery. Can that be true? I think I’ll call my carrier and ask if I’m covered. While insisting they refer to me as “Louise.”

I’ll bet calls like that make a customer service rep’s day. I think this is why they like to record calls. They probably have office pools, where they bet on the call of the week.

I remember reading about a person who started out as a man, then had himself chopped up and turned into a dreadful imitation of a woman, and then changed his mind and went back and became a dreadful imitation of a man. I think that’s correct. It’s confusing. He may have started out as a woman. I saw him on TV after all this was done, and he or she had a beard. Not that this proves anything. These days, gender traits that were once dispositive are merely considered clues.

Here’s what you have to wonder. What was going on in the mind of the doctor who approved the second surgery? They always claim they’re super-careful about whom they select. No, it’s not like they just run a bunch of phony psych tests for CYA purposes, while their main interest is your ability to pay. Don’t even think that. They’re experts! They have ethics! So when a guy (or whatever) shows up and says he or it wants a second surgery, shouldn’t some bells go off somewhere? And if the second surgery was okay ethically, wasn’t the first surgery malpractice or something? Maybe the doctor who approved it needs career reassignment surgery.

What did this person say to the doctor? “I’m a man trapped in the body of a woman who used to be a man…I’m pretty sure”? Did that actually fly with whoever made the decision to operate?

If life is this weird now, what’s it going to be like ten years from now? Will drug abuse still exist? Why would people pay for drugs when the world is already a nonstop acid trip?

Aaron has noted that the Talmud says the Biblical flood occurred when man offended God by sanctioning gay marriage and marriage between humans and animals. I remember writing a piece a long time ago, in which I pointed out that, absent Biblical prohibitions, there is no valid reason to ban bestiality. I’m serious. You can’t claim animals never consent, or that they always suffer. It should be obvious without proof that there are perverts who can get animals to participate enthusiastically in their pursuits. Come on, think about it. Some guy taught a squirrel to water ski. That has to be harder than wooing a goat. I defy you to make a squirrel do anything.

You can cite some goofy, effete concern about “unequal bargaining positions” or an animal’s inability to give “informed” consent. But that’s all sophistry, i.e. absurdly transparent and tendentious pretextual lies. Animals don’t consent to be turned into purses or Jell-O or soap, but we still do it. We make horses carry us around. We make elephants do silly things at the circus. Animal consent has never been taken seriously by human beings, and it never will be. Not until we can grow ham in a windowbox.

Incest can’t be banned, either. Not purely on public interest grounds. There’s a small chance that two siblings will have deformed kids, but if you think about it, that’s not a sufficient reason to ban incest. If it were, the abortion of deformed babies would be mandatory, and even Obama hasn’t suggested that (yet). People with genetic diseases would be subject to forced sterilization. And what about siblings who are already sterile? Why should they be kept apart? The reason for banning incest is that it’s immoral and perverted, because God said so. And even that prohibition was not always in place. Abraham was the half-brother of Sarah. On Father’s Day, they must have saved a bundle. “This is from both of us. P.S. Quit worshiping Nannar.”

I shudder to think of the flavors Ben & Jerry’s will be pushing in the future. Chunky Monkey Hubby. Phish Fiancee. Eric the Half a Bee Motel Six Raspberry Swirl.

That last one was a reach.

Maybe the Rapture won’t be a dramatic and solemn event, the way Christians assume it will. Maybe it will be more like stopping the ride so the sane people can get off.

I hope Haagen-Dazs doesn’t come out in favor of pedophilia or snuff films or anything. A while back, a Christian company tried to put premium ice cream on the market, but for some reason, it didn’t work out. If Haagen-Dazs starts backsliding, I may have to give up ice cream and demonstrate a little character.

I don’t think anyone wants to see that happen.