Ham for the Holidays

I decided I needed a ham. You know how that is. So I went online to look for one.

My cousin Wade says Col. Newsom’s hams are the way to go, and the one I bought back when I was writing the cookbook was jim-dandy. That’s why I recommended Col. Newsom’s. But their prices are out of whack now. They want $89 for a ham.

I found a couple of interesting options. First, I looked at a Tennessee company. When it comes to ham, I like Tennessee, Kentucky, and North Carolina. I know Virginia is famous for ham, but I’ve never had any Virgina country ham that I thought was worth eating. Tennessee, I have no problems with.

The company is called Benton’s, and they have a very tempting offering. They sell two types of hams. First, relatively young hams. Second, hams aged until they get a little funky. This is what real country ham is. A ham aged six months or less is a fake. It won’t have the complex flavors and the acidity an old ham has. Benton’s sells hams aged 12-18 months. They run around 15 pounds, and they cost $65.

I thought I might give that a shot, but then I came across Scott Hams, in Greenville, Kentucky. Their hams keep winning prizes at the Kentucky State Fair and other festivals and what not. The fair is held in Louisville, which is practically the same as New York by ham standards, but surely there must be a few people there who have a clue. I called them up, and they told me their hams go a year. They said they would be happy to pack the ham the way I wanted it, which means sliced and bagged, with the hock in its own bag. The ham’s price is $48.50, and that’s a 16-pounder. You can’t beat that deal with a stick. I placed my order. I may try Benton’s eventually, regardless.

I just called them again. I was looking at their site, and they sell good Kentucky sorghum molasses. This stuff is nothing like the nasty molasses most people eat. And they’re selling it for $8.00 per quart, which is very reasonable. I put that on my order.

I just did some Googling, and I learned something interesting. The reason most molasses is no good is that it’s real molasses. The stuff they make in Kentucky is made from sorghum. True molasses comes from manufacturing by-products or something. Stuff they sweep off the floor at sugar mills. It comes from sugar cane and sugar beets. Okay, whatever. I guess what I like is actually “sorghum syrup,” although I have never heard anyone call it that.

Kentucky ham producers have gotten smart and started selling their own versions of prosciutto. I’ll bet it’s excellent.

In a couple of weeks I may have to make me a Kentucky breakfast, with fried ham, redeye gravy, cream gravy, scrambled eggs, bacon grease biscuits, and molasses and jelly. And a big glass of tea. And fried apples. And a portable defibrillator.

I gave up gluttony recently, so I guess I’ll have to find a way to make really tiny biscuits.

More

I unpacked my meat grinder, and it has no impeller! My sausage plans must wait until I can get to Northern Tool.

Cancer is Not Simple

I don’t blog about my sister’s illness much, but it’s a big factor in my life right now. I’ve been trying to help her make decisions about treatment. I’ve learned a few facts that might help other cancer patients. The doctors didn’t explain all this to us, and yours probably won’t explain it to you, either. It must be difficult to treat patients efficiently while simultaneously educating them.

Four things (that I know of) can affect your mental abilities when you have cancer:

1. Chemotherapy
2. Cranial radiation
3. Paraneoplastic problems
4. Brain tumors

Depending on the breaks, you can get memory loss, difficulty moving, hallucinations, mood problems, headaches, blindness, and a lot of other stuff.

Chemotherapy-induced cognitive problems have a label: “chemo brain.” That’s what they call it. It may increase with the dosages you receive. You may forget things and have difficulty concentrating. The effects may last six months, or they may last ten years. You need to prepare for this, and you need to develop ways to compensate. Buy a calendar and so on. I read about a treatment for it, but I believe it involved antioxidants, and if you’re getting radiation, your doctor may tell you not to use antioxidants, because they diminish the effect of the therapy.

Prophylactic irradiation of the cranium (PCI) is an option for small-cell lung cancer patients who go into complete remission as a result of chest radiation and chemotherapy. “Complete remission” isn’t a cure; it means the cancer is too small to be found. If you reach this stage, cranial irradiation will make you much less likely to get brain tumors if the cancer relapses. It will also improve your odds of making it to various time milestones. The improvement is significant but not great. Some people who receive cranial irradiation have memory and other cognitive problems. You have to weigh this against the small likelihood that it will lead to a complete cure, and you have to consider the suffering you will endure if your cancer goes to your brain.

If you combine PCI with chemotherapy, it raises the odds that the radiation will damage your brain. On the other hand, it’s very important to do PCI early in order to maximize the benefit. So once again, you have to balance the risks and make a decision.

Paraneoplastic ailments are problems that arise in conjunction with cancer. Some involve the brain. One is encephalomyopathy. If I understand it correctly, it’s caused by your body’s efforts to attack the cancer. Healthy tissue suffers as well. You may have memory problems, loss of sensation, seizures, paralysis, and a wide variety of other symptoms. It’s somewhat like multiple sclerosis.

In some people, encephalomyopathy clears up once the cancer is gone, but there is no treatment, and it’s usually permanent.

Encephalomyopathy can be detected with a blood test. Most patients aren’t diagnosed until after they find out they have cancer. The mental symptoms are likely to predate the cancer diagnosis.

Brain tumors are a problem for cancer patients, because chemotherapy doesn’t get into the brain the way it gets into other tissues. You can imagine the problems they cause. Any part of your brain, no matter what it does, can be damaged or destroyed. So you may end up blind, deaf, unable to move, insane, or demented. If you get brain cancer, you are likely to end up hospitalized and completely dependent on others during the last months of your life.

I can’t promise you all of this is correct. It’s what I remember after reading up.

If you smoke cigarettes or use smokeless tobacco, you need to know about these possible consequences. You may think cancer is simple, like a wart, and that it’s just a matter of killing it or dying peacefully after months on morphine. It’s not always that easy. I remember walking into the room of a patient who had cancer in his brain. He was playing with his own feces, and he had smeared them on his head, and when he tried to communicate with the nurses, he just made inarticulate sounds. You might beat the cancer relatively easily, or you might succumb without too much suffering, but you might end up like the guy I saw. I know addictions are hard to beat, but God really does deliver people.

I have to call her and tell her what I learned. Pray we’ll work well together and choose the best course.

Creativity Forbidden

I’m all bummed out because I learned a sad fact about home canning.

Before I got into it, I read stuff on the web, and I got the impression that I would be able to can my own recipes. I put up seven pints of chili. Then I learned that using your own recipes is a huge canning faux pas.

I thought home canning was a technology that had been perfected in basements, by millions of mothers and grandmothers. But it turns out there are food laboratories that put recipes together. They put temperature probes into jars full of food, and they process them, and they record the results. Then they come up with approved pressure and time guidelines for the recipes they use. If you deviate substantially from those recipes, you may not heat all areas of your jars enough, and then you get botulism, which takes months to go away. Meanwhile, people tell you how much younger you look.

This means you have to find USDA-approved recipes and use them. What good is that? If I wanted other people’s bad recipes, I wouldn’t waste time putting together my own wonderful recipes. Imagine how badly food scientists cook.

I’m going to see what I can do to work around this. Sometimes it’s possibly to use an approved recipe and then add your own stuff when you open the jar. But if the approved recipes are so bad they can’t be fixed, that won’t work.

My chili has cheddar cheese melted into it, so I’m sure it has much more fat in it than the USDA recipe (which is probably boring and bland). Adding fat can throw off processing times. I have to study up on this and see what I can do.

Luckily, pork sausage is approved for canning. For some reason, they don’t tell you to cook it through. That seems odd. Maybe it cooks through when you put it in the canner.

I also read that if your canner drops below the required pressure, you have to start over. You have to raise it to the right pressure and set the time to zero again. The processing you did before you lost pressure doesn’t count.

Here’s good news. You can destroy botulin by boiling your food for ten minutes. I’ve also seen twenty minutes mentioned, so take it for what it’s worth. Never trust me when it comes to food safety.

I stuck my remaining chili in the fridge. I’ll get rid of it fast enough to avoid problems. It’s probably fine, but botulism sounds like it’s no fun at all, so I’m not ready to take a chance.

I found out what killed my pressure canner. The gasket has a tiny hole in it. I’m going to have to go to Goodman’s and get a couple of new ones. Didn’t see this coming.

Today I’ll check out my picnic shoulders, and if they smell okay, I’ll go ahead and make sausage. If not, I’ll brine them in baking soda to kill the stench. Boar taint is the thing that ruins pork sausage, and you don’t have to tolerate it.

Hmm…will this upset the canning schedule because it reduces the acidity? Probably not. I don’t think meat is acidic enough to retard the growth of anything, so treating it with baking soda probably won’t matter.

Please Overlook our Founder’s Little Faults

This morning I was reading Larry Huch’s The Torah Blessing, and I was somewhat startled by some quotations he produced.

Martin Luther said the Jews were “full of the devil’s feces … which they wallow in like swine.” He also said, “We are at fault in not slaying them” for avenging the crucifixion.

“Avenging”? We’re supposed to punish them for the single most beneficial act that has ever occurred? An act God himself put in motion? An act for which every sinner (including Martin Luther) bears responsibility? Maybe we should also “avenge” the parting of the Red Sea or the provision of manna in the wilderness.

I will never understand this idiotic line of reasoning.

I don’t know why the Lutheran church continues to use the name “Lutheran.” Surely it’s obvious that this man was not worthy of honor. Isn’t uniting in his name a little like putting a sign in front of your church which says, “We hate Jews”? If I were a Lutheran bigwig, I’d be agitating to drop his name from the church. The church is the bride of Christ, not the bride of Martin Luther the Jew-hating loony.

Why don’t Christians talk more about this? This twisted, corrupted character should be unceremoniously removed from the pantheon of honored Christian thinkers. A certain amount of error can be excused, but saying we are sinning by not exterminating the Jews is beyond any realistic hope of rehabilitation. Maybe he was right about some things. But then Hitler was right about Volkswagens and superhighways.

The problem with defending this miserable, benighted person or hiding his faults is that we’re the only ones doing these things. I’m sure the Jews are highly aware of his bigotry and hatred. I doubt they run around making up excuses for it, the way we do. How can we build bridges between Jews and Christians if we’re not willing to let embarrassing idiots go?

To me, this is like the Confederate flag. I’m a Southerner, and I used to think the flag was neat, and then I thought about what it represented: a regime that supported slavery. Whatever the merits of the Confederacy might have been, there is no way to excuse resisting abolition. You can’t say, “Well, it’s okay that we flogged the flesh off other human beings, bought and sold them, broke up families, and held them captive…because we also wanted tax reform!”

So I’m on the side of people who want to take that stupid, shameful flag off of state buildings. If you’re determined to celebrate your Southern-ness, make yourself a flag with Elvis on it, or maybe a bucket of chicken.

Luther wanted to confiscate Jewish property. He wrote a book called On the Jews and Their Lies. Continuing to use this nut’s name is a great way to help Jewish anti-missionaries. Without even checking, I’ll bet he is featured prominently in their materials. I’d be all over that, if I were an anti-missionary.

Huch cites other anti-Semitic Christian figures. We need to renounce these buffoons and their poison. Jesus died a Jew, as did the Apostles. Our faith is fundamentally Jewish. It’s strange that some people who claim to be sincere and knowledgeable Christians feel entitled to slander and threaten the root on which we were grafted.

Most non-Catholic Americans don’t really know much about the older churches. We don’t know the more vile and disgusting parts of their histories. We don’t know about their ongoing failures to renounce the disgraces of the past. I feel certain religious Jews know about these things. Those of us who belong to denominations that recognize our debt to the Jews should make an effort to distance ourselves from the bile and excrement certain Christians have exuded or embraced in the past. It’s harder to ask this of people who belong to older churches, but they need to get with it, too. God has told us that in order to approach him, we have to make things right with other human beings. He won’t answer a husband’s prayers if the husband doesn’t love his wife. He won’t receive an offering from someone who deprives a creditor or mistreats a parent. He won’t pay attention to communion if we don’t forgive and seek forgiveness. How, then, is he supposed to work unhindered in a church that hasn’t repented of slandering Jews?

We like to use the words “Antichrist” and “anti-christian” all the time. The Antichrist is a figure who will arise and persecute the church. “Anti-christian” refers to the broader phenomenon of the persecution of God’s people.

This stuff is based in the spirit realm. Satan and his subordinates cause these things to occur. They sow the seeds. They fan the fires.

What most Christians don’t realize is that the same spirits that drive the persecution of Christians drive anti-Semitism. It’s all about thwarting prophecy and preventing God from carrying out his plan. Various Old Testament villains tried to destroy the Jewish race, as did Hitler. Pharaoh tried to prevent the birth of Moses. Herod tried to prevent the birth of Jesus. The Romans murdered Christians as though they were roaches and termites. Sooner or later, someone will try to kill off the Jews so the 144,000 mentioned in the Revelation can’t be born. It’s all the same thing. There is no difference between anti-Jewish hatred and anti-Christian hatred, because to Satan, we’re all in the same camp. The fact that he often gets us to fight each other is irrelevant. That’s just part of his program; it’s always a good idea to get your enemies to save you work by attacking each other.

Christian anti-Semitism is driven by anti-Christian spirits. If you persecute the Jews, a spirit of antichrist is in you. If more of us realized that, we would be a lot less eager to pat ourselves on the back and congratulate ourselves for being clever enough to recognize the true Messiah. What fools we are, to think we are inherently superior. Our forebears conducted the Inquisition. If we’re so smart and so righteous, how did things like that happen?

Thinking we are smarter or more righteous than the Jews, who gave us everything that matters, is shockingly arrogant and moronic. It is completely contradictory to the obvious evidence before us. We’ve done a great deal of evil. We have nothing to crow about. Every good thing we have done happened because the Holy Spirit overrode our natural inclinations, which are as malevolent and misguided as everyone else’s.

I don’t know if I would endorse everything Huch says. I haven’t finished the book yet, and it seems to verge on legalism, but the bit about Martin Luther really grabbed my attention.

Terrorist v. Guerilla

I guess I’m going to catch it for saying this, but I don’t consider Nidal Hasan a terrorist.

To me, “terrorist” means someone who attacks civilians with no justification. This nut shot up an Army base. So I would call him a guerilla, a traitor, and maybe a spy. But I don’t think “terrorist” fits, even though I’ve probably already used that term to describe him.

I don’t want people to get the crazy idea that I approve of his slimy, despicable actions. But Fort Hood is a legitimate military target, even if this attack made no sense from a strategic standpoint. I don’t think it makes sense to compare this attack to 911. I wouldn’t call the Pearl Harbor attack terrorism, either.

Whatever he is, it’s contemptible.

Gasket Troubles

Last night a dreadful thing happened. I had seven pints of chili in the pressure canner, and suddenly, I heard a loud hiss. The gasket wasn’t sealing right.

The pressure began to drop. Not knowing what else to do, I cranked up the heat to raise the pressure, and I kept the chili going for the required time. At the end I could tell some juice had leaked past the jar seals, but they sealed up anyway.

I can’t figure out what’s wrong. The gasket looks fine. When I bought the canner, the manual said to scrub all the oil off everything. The gasket had a lot of grease on it, so I scrubbed it, too. Maybe that was stupid. Maybe the grease helped it seal.

Now I’m experimenting with it. I oiled it with olive oil, and I’m heating the canner. I can’t get a new gasket until Monday.

This morning I heard several “poink” sounds from the kitchen. I figured my canned stuff was opening up. But when I checked all the jars, they looked fine. I really hope I don’t get botulism. I want to have a nice smile at my funeral.

Still have to make pork sausage. Even if I can’t can it, I can get it ready for frying.

Pints of Pain

In case you’re interested, my chili recipe yields a little over seven pints. I filled seven Ball jars, and I had enough left over for a tiny snack.

I hope this works. Imagine the convenience of having truly phenomenal chili in a jar.

Mike called while I was cooking. He’s all upset now, because he has no canning technology. He wants to make his grandmother’s spicy pickles. I told him about Goodmans.net.

My Ball Blue Book arrived today. It’s the Bible of canning. Well, it would be. If we canners didn’t already have real Bibles to cling to bitterly.

I made these pints mild (by my standards), so I could donate them to my dad. The next seven are MINE, and they will probably melt their own lids.

Accuse Them of Lying to Get Warranty Stuff

I ran down to Northern Tool and got a meat grinder and ordered a new pulley for my band saw. I am not sure they understand how customer relations works. The first guy I dealt with wanted me to pay for the pulley. I told him it was a warranty thing because it was defective. He said, “How do we know that?” I asked him how I could ever prove anything I bought was defective. Maybe I broke everything I ever got fixed on warranty.

Surely Northern Tool doesn’t train people to say crazy things like that. “I realize you’ve bought thousands of dollars’ worth of unneeded male toys here, but I feel entitled to question your honesty because you want a free eight-dollar part.”

“Thousands” is a bit of an exaggeration for me, but not for everyone who shops there.

They’re lucky I shop there at all. Here’s why. They charge more than the website, and if I buy over the web and I have a warranty issue, I can handle it from home. If I buy at the store, they may not have what I want, they’ll charge 20% more, I’ll definitely have to pay sales tax (I do that anyway these days), and if there’s a problem, I have to drive to the store all over again.

I’d shut up with that “how do we know that” business, if I worked there.

Here’s another reason to avoid their stores. They only keep computerized purchase records for three months. After that, you have to produce a receipt. If you don’t have a receipt, you have a problem. I don’t know how long the website keeps records, but I guarantee you, it’s at least three months, and you don’t have to wait twenty minutes while a manager pores over charge records.

Man, I would keep that “how do we know that” to myself. I really would.

I could have ordered this saw and had it shipped free of charge. No driving. Right on my porch.

Oh, boy. Seriously. Big mistake, telling the customer you think he’s a liar.

I may never shop there again, now that I’ve seen my own arguments against it. It seems like a dumb thing to do.

After Northern Tool, I hit the grocery. I got chili ingredients. I looked at chili-canning recipes online, and while I have no intention of using them, I got the information I needed. Seventy-five minutes at 11 psi. This is going to be fantastic. I hope.

Speaking of hope, I hope the grinder is okay. Some people say they’ve had great experiences with it. Others, not so much. Surely it can handle ten pounds of pork without too much trouble.

“We Could Raid the Fat Guy’s House if he Didn’t Have all Those Guns”

Is this the greatest day in the history of the world, or what? It’s 64° outside, I have nine new jars of home-canned sweet pickles, I have new tires on my diesel 4×4, and I’m sitting on what amounts to a small ammunition dump. Plus I’m enjoying big mug of decaffeinated coffee with half and half. All of the pleasure with none of the tics and irritability.

I’m trying to decide what else to can. I was really excited about pork sausage and pickles, but the pickles are done, the sausage isn’t going to be that much of a challenge, and I need to come up with other stuff.

I’m thinking beans. I bought a bunch of dried beans for SHTF purposes, but they become useless after about a year and a half, unless you know how to turn them into flour. They would be much more useful if they could be kept longer. And I just happen to make amazing bean soup. I make soup beans, black bean soup, and navy bean soup. It’s incredibly good.

If I can this stuff, I’ll have SHTF beans that will last much longer than dried beans. I think. I have to find out how long canned beans keep.

Man, this would be great. Pint jars full of tasty soup, waiting for cornbread and greens.

I guess the wet blankets will point out that beans are available in remarkable new inventions called cans. But they’re not as good, nor are they as much fun. I like Bush’s beans just fine, but it’s just plain stupid to compare them to real beans.

I wonder if I could can barbecue beans. I don’t see why not. Oh, man. Yes. What a convenience. BBQ beans plus browned smoked sausage! And I could can chili! My astounding Unauthentic White Anglo-Saxon Protestant Chili, with tons of homemade chili powder and exotic peppers. Picture it, sitting in little jars, just waiting to rip the intestines out of unsuspecting wimps. Wow, would that be great. I could can the wuss version plus the manly version, and when I wanted to serve chili to people, I’d be able to keep the versions separate.

I’m so tired of lame chili. When I make it for myself, I can ratchet the heat up, but if even one other person eats with me, I’m forced to make it weak and silly.

CANNED DORO WAT! OH, BABY! I just thought of that! Canned Ethiopian-style chicken stew! Brutal and satisfying.

Oooh…canned collard greens with salt pork.

I have to hold onto something. This is too much.

If Obama continues working his economic magic, and I’m forced to eat stored food, I’ll eat better than I do right now. I wonder if chili will keep getting better in a jar, the way it does in the fridge.

I’m Googling around, and I see cautious people recommending a 1-year storage maximum, while others say that if the food passes inspection, you can keep it much, much longer. I just read about canned goods found on a ship that sunk in 1865. They were tested in 1974 and found to be okay.

I can tell you this. My grandmother never threw anything out in her life, unless it said “whiskey” on the label.

Stand in Awe of my Cukes

I ran some vital errands.

First, I got me some new canning jars and lids. Now I have enough to make the effort worthwhile. Then I found diesel at the incredible price of $2.68 per gallon. Around here, that’s cheap. If you drive around Miami, you’ll see $2.90 fairly often. Then I got me a bunch of pickling cucumbers. After that, I loaded up with two picnic hams. These are uncured pork shoulder parts. Should be good for sausage.

My plan is to brine the pork with baking soda to kill the taint. Then tomorrow I’ll do my best to make sausage and can it. It should work out to about $1.50 per pound. I guess it would have been smart to find out what ordinary sausage costs. For all I know, it’s less than that. But I don’t care. I want my canned sausage.

I learned something important. Costco is the pork source. Winn-Dixie is supposed to have whole shoulders for 79¢ per pound, but they were out. I can get gorgeous loins for like $1.79 at Costco, so presumably their shoulders are a lot cheaper.

I’m going to put calcium chloride in my pickles to see if it makes them crunchy.

Tomorrow I have to go to Northern Tool and get a meat grinder. I got my jars at Goodmans.net (their warehouse is nearby), and they sell grinders, but they were out of stock.

That place is hilarious. Every canning item in the universe–and most other items–is available there. They have a bank of pretty young latinas who help you with your order. I think they think it’s funny that a grown man comes in and fills his diesel pickup with Ball jars.

I’ll look less silly in the post-Obama wasteland, when everyone is starving and I’m stuffing myself with delicious canned sausage and dried apple pies. I’ll be sitting on top of the world.

More

Let’s see. I bought seven packages with four cucumbers in each. I ate maybe two and a half cucumbers. Now I have about 27 cups of slices. So each cucumber makes about one cup of slices.

Good thing to know, next time I shop for pickling cucumbers. Which should be in 2013, given that I just bought 50% more than I intended. I’m going to have a dozen pint jars full of these babies.

I checked into beans for pickling. The big pole beans were incredibly expensive. Like $2.50 per pound. The smaller green beans just didn’t look suitable.

I don’t know why the cucumbers I bought were labeled “salad cucumbers,” and I don’t understand why people call them “pickling cucumbers.” They taste a lot better than the nasty, greasy, waxed jumbo cucumbers I used to buy. I am all done with those. These are superior.

I can’t stand wax on my food. Think about it. You have some dirty guy in the back of the store, picking his nose and spitting, waxing the cucumbers with a filthy rag. And the wax permanently traps the filth on the food. It’s very hard to remove. And what is wax made from? Is it petroleum? I don’t want to eat that stuff. It’s a fat, for sure. What will it do to my arteries? I can’t even guess.

This is going to be beautiful, but once it’s done, I won’t get to practice again for months. I guess that’s the point, however.

I Feel Like an Old Person Under Obama’s Health Plan

It is 71.8 degrees outside. This is the greatest day of my life. Nearly. It’s supposed to be about 61° at ten p.m.

When you let your yard go to hell, hot weather is okay. When you actually care about maintaining your home, it’s another story. It’s very tough working outdoors in Miami in the months of June through October. Your sunglasses fill with sweat so you can’t see. You have to apply sunblock once an hour. The sweat makes the sunblock run into your eyes. This is why we have illegal immigrants; to them, the suffering is worth it.

I may go out and poison the yard today. It needs weed killer, fertilizer, and imidacloprid. The clouds of buzzing whiteflies are getting hard to see through. Something needs to be done.

I took a look at my plantains this morning. People told me my trees wouldn’t produce in Miami. I don’t know where they got that idea. My French Horn plantain tree seems to be more productive than my bananas. I can’t even guess what I’ll do with a long bunch of one-pound fruit, but I’m glad I’m getting them.

Now that it’s cool enough to do things, it’s hard to decide what to start with.

Maybe the best thing is to think it over while eating pie.

Okay, no pie.

Tires!

Here’s a snippet from an email from someone I know who travels around and meets a lot of Christians:

I’m north of Atlanta and I also met 4 ladies yesterday here in GA.
Again – Guns and God and preparation! And it’s not just talk now.
People are doing it. Amazing.

What on earth is going on? People aren’t conspiring to make this happen. It’s not deceitful, contrived, Obama-style Astroturfing perpetrated by professional liars. This is the real thing.

Yesterday my dad started talking seriously about moving north. A long time ago, I told him I was considering moving out of this seedy and unpleasant county, and he said he thought that was a great idea, so instead of looking for a relatively small place for me to buy, we started looking at a bigger place for him to buy. A compound! Now the plan is back on the table.

We’ll need razor wire. Motion sensors. Rottweilers. Soap cannons and deodorant mines to repel hippies. I have shopping to do.

I’m going to see if we can get out of Miami in the near future and look at some properties. There is nothing here for me. Most of my friends have left town. I no longer have an office. My only important connection is my church, and I could move eighty miles north of here and still be able to attend. Or I could find a new church.

I would absolutely love to move to south Tennessee or northern Georgia. I could never get my dad to do that, however, and I think he needs to have family nearby, so I can’t very well do it without him.

I stuck new tires on the truck today. Very nice. I could swear they ride smoother and more quietly, but that could be my imagination. They seem to track better. The old ones seemed to make the truck ramble around a little. Now I’m prepared for SHTF driving.

They didn’t charge me sales tax. Can’t figure that out. Maybe today is a tax holiday.

For a couple of years, Perry Stone has been predicting heavy-duty economic problems for the US. He doesn’t claim to know the day when it will hit, but he thinks food will be scarce. Back in 2008, he said he thought people who owned their homes outright would be better off than everyone else. I guess that’s always true.

I’m going to start canning sausage, and I have to think about other stuff that would be good to have around if the power went off. You can always buy prepackaged food, but why not have things you actually enjoy? Shuck beans! Pickled beans! Dried apples! Country ham! Live better on your survival rations than you do when you use stores.

What else do I need? Maybe another crate of ammunition for the K31. Unbelievably, I can buy GP11 locally.

I keep thinking a nuclear blast or WMD attack on US soil is on the way. The Fort Hood incident proves we are not doing enough to thwart Muslim kooks. We’re spending lots of money, but a huge percentage of it is wasted harassing harmless non-Muslims for the sake of political correctness. If an Army doctor can place calls to Al Qaeda and repeatedly announce his anti-American sentiments without even getting reprimanded, Muslims can bring an atomic bomb into New York harbor. Sooner or later, we’re going to reap the harvest of self-hatred and empty liberal grandstanding. We’ll turn on our televisions and see a smoking ruin that used to be the New York Stock Exchange or the US Capitol. Then the real recession will start, and the only people who will get through it without eating their pets and drinking from puddles will be the Bible clingers and home-schoolers out in the woods.

When people who should know better do unbelievably stupid things over and over, it means there is a spiritual cause. I believe that. I believe this is what caused the real estate collapse. A monkey could have seen it coming, yet brilliant investors and financiers could not. Now the people who are supposed to protect us are clamoring about a nonexistent anti-Muslim backlash instead of screaming about our failure to take action against domestic terrorists. Media “experts” are moaning about Nidal Hasan’s imagined “pre-post-traumatic stress syndrome” when they should be noting his Muslim fanaticism. When people behave this stupidly, the supernatural is at work. Our guard is being taken down by occult forces so we will be open to an attack a sane America would have prevented as a matter of course.

This shows how weak the flesh is when God is against you. We think we can take care of ourselves, but without his protection, we are as stupid as lemmings.

I hope I’m not here when things really start popping. I want to be at least a hundred miles away, with my shelves loaded with tasty home-canned grub and my Saiga 12 loaded with law-enforcement-only buckshot.

Chabad Meets Fantasy Fest

I had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamed I found a bunch of VHS tapes of overweight Chassids preaching like old-time Baptists while wearing black G-strings.

Note to self: ease off on the cherry peppers before bedtime.

I Can Wear Long Pants

Cold weather is coming. I’m excited beyond words.

By “cold,” I mean below 80°. That’s sufficient as far as I’m concerned. It means I’ll be able to go outside for more than three minutes without worrying about my shirt sticking to me when I come back inside.

We had a hot September and August. Al Gore would be thrilled. Now we’re getting weather in the lower 80s, and it actually feels cool.

Yesterday I was able to load manure in the truck and put it on the fruit trees. I could have done this in the summer, but heat, broiling sunshine, streaming sweat, and airborne manure and fertilizer were not a combination I wanted to face. I put manure, fertilizer, epsom salt, and Ironite on the mangoes, bananas, plantains, and some of the other trees. I replaced my dying impatiens with new victims and manured the flowerbed. I feel like these were major accomplishments.

We are told to do stuff like this as though we were doing it for God himself. Arrgh. Okay! Okay! I’ll do it. But…arrgh.

I didn’t fully understand how high my truck’s bed was until yesterday. I had to stack big bags of manure in it, and the tailgate was at chest height. That’s not very convenient. I looked around on the web, and I found that some people lower their beds. Evidently, you don’t need to have your bed way up in the air unless you’re towing. Futhermore, I would guess that Dodge makes the bed higher than it has to be, for the strange people who jack their trucks as high as possible.

I don’t understand the truck-raising fad. It makes a truck less safe to drive, and it makes it hard to get in and out. It makes the bed hard to use. If you don’t use the bed, why get a truck? I think you have to be out of your mind to get a truck and then modify it so you can’t use the bed. Talk about expensive and totally useless fashion accessories. It makes a $10,000 Chanel suit seem like a good buy. If your truck is primarily a toy, and you like customizing it like a Harley, more power to you. I just want to be able to use mine. I already have a Harley. From a functional standpoint, it’s pathetic and useless. The footboards drag when I turn. I don’t need any more silliness in my life.

I don’t know anything about four-wheeling, but I have seen people claim that raising a truck makes it more suitable for going off-road. Is that really true? The ground clearance doesn’t change at all. The axles don’t rise with the truck. You can add axle height by using ridiculous oversize tires which don’t really work with your suspension. I don’t know why I’d want to do that. It effectively lowers the final drive ratio, and the tires are expensive, and it looks stupid.

When I was a kid, I rode in what I thought was the ultimate off-road vehicle. It was a dune buggy made with VW Beetle parts. This thing would go places a truck or Jeep could never go. It was just a cage with two seats. Two-wheel drive. You could go straight up the side of a hill with it. You could drive it straight into a curb a foot high and barely feel the bump when you went over it. Wonderful vehicle. I think if I had a desire to drive around in the dirt, I’d get something like that instead of ruining an expensive truck and getting inferior performance.

My truck has four spacers in it that raise the bed. You can take them out from between the rear springs and axle and put them above the springs. This drops the bed over an inch. I may do that. It’s reversible. It would be great to have the bed three or four inches lower, if there’s a cheap way to do it without causing problems when there’s a load on the springs.

People who lower their trucks get a lot of ridicule from people who raise theirs. Common sense has a way of drawing hostility from those who lack it. I would have to be demented to take this gigantic truck out in the mud and try to use it as an all-terrain vehicle. It will never happen. It would be like using an ocean liner to go bass fishing. I am never going to have to worry about rocks hitting the underside of the body. Might as well bring the bed down where I can use it.

When I was working on the truck, installing Nerf bars and a rear-view camera, I was amazed at how easy it was. I could lie on the ground under the truck and reach up without bending my arms much. The T-bird, on the other hand, was so low I couldn’t get a low-profile jack under it. I wouldn’t want to go back to T-bird ground clearance, but I don’t need two feet or whatever it is that I have now.

Last night I watched Robert Morris again. He did a sermon on faith. He says we should not have faith in things happening. I may be phrasing that wrong. Charismatics tend to venture into a practice called “name it and claim it,” in which they pray for things in the name of Jesus, state that they have them, and then wait for God to hand them over. I believe he was criticizing this.

He pointed out that we sometimes pray for things and believe we will receive them, only to be disappointed. That’s true. He said we should learn that we’re supposed to use our faith to bring us close to God. He pointed out that lots of faith-filled believers have been martyred and tortured and so on, and that they did not lose their faith. Surely they prayed to be spared. The point of a faith-filled life is not to make God do stuff for us. It’s to get close to him and know him and receive grace to submit to him and do his will. Bad things will happen to us, and it doesn’t mean we’re failures as Christians. If we have faith, God will make these things work out to our benefit, even if we don’t receive that benefit in this life. I think I’m summing it up fairly well. Maybe not.

Anyway, he said we often believe for things that are not God’s will, and that when we do that, we’re effectively exalting our will above his.

Here is where I come down on this. I think he’s absolutely right, as long as you don’t read anything extraneous into what he said.

Our lives are supposed to be victorious, but not without suffering. Even the two witnesses in the book of Revelation–extraordinarily powerful prophets–will be slaughtered. Many men of God have been tortured and killed. Paul was flogged over and over. Stephen was murdered by an angry mob. It only makes sense that the rest of us should sustain painful losses from time to time. On the other hand, I know for a fact that it’s often possible to claim something God has promised to you and to maintain your faith and receive it. This has happened to me; I was miraculously healed back in 1987, and I actually saw the guilty spirit leave my body. The 91st psalm says, “His truth shall be thy shield and buckler.” I believe this refers to standing on God’s promises.

I think the important thing to consider is whether you have any right to what you’re claiming. Don’t ask for things that will distance you from God. For some people, even ordinary, reasonable blessings like a steady job and a reliable car can be causes for forgetting the real source of prosperity. And you have to ask yourself whether there is anything in your life that will prevent you from receiving what you ask for. I think repentance and fasting and casting out spirits are very important. Paul said receiving communion in an unworthy manner could cause you to be sick or die; I think that shows what failure to repent can do.

I also think that a truly mature Christian is likely to receive warning when he faces adversity that God will not remove. The Jews in Babylon were told to build houses and get jobs, because they weren’t going home any time soon. Paul was told he would be imprisoned. Jesus knew he would be crucified. I believe Peter knew he would be executed, although I can’t say for sure he didn’t hear it from human beings. I suspect we are headed into an age where we are in closer touch with the Holy Spirit, and people will receive more information from him. There is a spiritual gift called the word of knowledge, in which God comes right out and tells you things. I think we’re going to see it operate more often in the future, as our knowledge and obedience increase. As persecution increases, I should add.

I hope I’m right or at least close to it.

To my knowledge, so far, I’ve experienced five of the gifts of the spirit. I can’t say I’ve experienced the word of knowledge, but Robert Morris says every gift is available to every believer. He says the idea that some people get this and other people get that is incorrect. If so, I suppose a word of knowledge will come if I ever need it. It would sure be nice to know better than to pray for things that aren’t going to happen.

$$$$$$$

I was hoping to get 5-10,000 miles out of the existing tires on the Death Star, but it looks like that fantasy has imploded. I found a nail in one of my tires this weekend, and when I removed it, I found it was impossible to insert a plug. Truck tires are pretty tough. I went to the local tire store, and they refused to patch the tire, citing tread wear, bad juju, El Niño, and global warming. This tire has around 30,000 miles on it. They claimed it could explode if they patched it. Not sure I see the logic, since an internal patch would be nowhere near the tread.

I told them to put my spare on so I could drive out. Oh, no. It was too worn. I asked how they expected me to get home.

Shocking news: they had some tires they wanted to sell me. Bridgestones. I don’t know how good Bridgestones are now, but they used to be awful. The one thing the Japanese made badly, other than food. I told the tire people I was not having their Bridgestones.

I already had tires picked out; I knew this day was coming. I had chosen the General HST Grabber. Everyone seems to love it. And some tires get terrible reviews, so I wasn’t about to gamble on some random Bridgestone. I managed to get them to put my spare on the truck.

Since yesterday I’ve been trying to line up a deal. The tire store I dealt with first is a Firestone. They told me yesterday that they could get the Generals in less than a day. I told them to give me a quote as soon as they could, i.e. today. Then I got a quote from a General dealer, and it was actually higher! Now the Firestone people are telling me they can’t get the tires until Wednesday. Oddly, the spare tire that terrified them on Sunday is now okay to use until Wednesday.

I looked into road hazard warranties. Apparently, tire companies have entire corporate divisions dedicated to helping dealers avoid honoring warranties. So far I have not found any Internet reports of a tire road hazard warranty paying off. What I have found are experts saying warranties are stupid. I guess it’s a waste of money.

I could go with an online dealer and save maybe a hundred bucks on the tires, but I am not interested in making my life miserable for a week so I can chisel a few pennies off this monstrous cost. I want this behind me so I can get on with life. It’s amazing how much time it’s taking out of my week.

I should have just used Fix-a-Flat!

Check the Code

Forgot to mention this. Tires should not be kept longer than six years, and that period begins when they’re made, even if they haven’t been mounted. Every tire has a DOT code stamped on the sidewall. It’s four numbers. The first two are the week of manufacture, and the second two are the year. So “4305” means the 43rd week of 2005.

I just told Firestone to get me some tires, and I insisted they check the code. I’m getting 2009 tires.