Pay no Attention to the Posing Brats

Here’s a great D-Day read. You would expect nothing less from Mrs. K.

Dad’s Day Looms

I’m flipping out. Father’s Day is next week, and I am still lost.

I considered trying to find an M1 for my dad. He keeps telling me how much he liked those rifles. But they are not all that cheap. I love my dad, but a grand for Father’s Day? I dunno. And it would also look a little bit like buying your grandmother a Harley. “Don’t worry; I’ll make sure it gets ridden once in a while.”

I can’t believe these rifles are that expensive. How many did they make? About a billion, right?

I’m afraid I’ll end up getting him cigars again.

I got him a weird bike last year. It’s a Specialized Crossroads Sport, which has a very odd frame. The seatpost hole is very low. I’d like to get him a rack and panniers, but I have no idea whether a normal rack will fit this bike.

At Least He Won’t Bomb Our Allies

Some truly non-progressive individuals have put up a borderline blasphemous website slandering the secular Messiah, B. Hussein Obama. I wonder whether Pope Prius I has seen this on his giant carbon-offset plasma TV at Vatican West, over in Tennessee. You’ve seen the place. It’s sort of like the other Vatican, only it has a higher electric bill.

Hillary turned us all into newts. But thanks to Obama, we will all get better. Then we won’t have to go on the cart, and we think we’ll go for a walk.

In other news, Brak has his own show. When did that happen?

I guess switching to tea in the morning has rendered me even less coherent than before.

He Embodies It

Sondra has a funny up. Bill Clinton continues his weird act.

I never realized how much he looks like Al Gore. AKA Pope Prius I.

I don’t care if no one else thinks “Pope Prius” is funny. I love it.

Just This Once

I go outside to transplant tomatoes, and while I’m gone, the world turns upside down. It looks like Hillary Clinton has unearthed (or conjured up, after creating a field of poppies in her crystal ball) a video of Michelle Obama kickin’ it with Louie Farrakhan and using the term “whitey.”

No one has actually seen this video, but I feel completely justified in commenting on it as though it had already been proven to exist and I knew what I was talking about.

People are mad at Michelle Obama. And I think this is reasonable, if only because she reminds me of “Webster.” But aren’t we forgetting the real mastermind? Behold the smoking gun:

Mother: And remember, the Lord loves a working man.

Navin: Lord loves a working man.

Father: And son, don’t never, ever trust whitey.

Navin: Don’t trust whitey. The Lord loves a working man, don’t
trust whitey. (he hugs his mom)

Mother: Ah baby!

Clearly, this scandal has its roots in the childhood home of ruined inventor Navin Johnson. This is where the poison first began to flow. By the way, not many people know this, but Dad Johnson’s first name was Jeremiah.

No, wait. That would make him Jeremiah Johnson.

I feel qualified in issuing an authoritative opinion about this scandal, because I AM, in fact, Whitey. I’m the guy. Other white people talk about how white I am. It amazes them. I have never had a tan. I get sunburned if I stand in front of the refrigerator with the door open for too long.

Here is my question: how come everyone is mad at the Republicans about this? What sane person thinks Republicans had anything to do with it? Sure, we’re dancing arrhythmically with joy. That’s just how we are. Evil. But if you think Hillary isn’t behind this, there is a box containing a thousand stolen FBI files which you need to look at.

You have to give Hillary credit. Ordinarily she’s as tone deaf as Bob Dylan, but this time she managed to stick it to Obama AND smear the blame all over the GOP. And why are the Obama people mad at the Republicans? This is their big chance to out Hillary as the Mud Queen. I realize they want to beat McCain, but Hillary is still blocking the basket.

Uh oh. Basketball metaphor. I apologize once again for my racist attacks on Barack H. Obama. From now on I’ll only refer to white-dominated sports. Like…

Let me get back to you on that.

I can’t wait to see this thing come out. Of course, if Hillary has this video, she also has video of McCain using kittens as potholders. She ought to team up with the CGI people who made Al Gore’s amazing fake video of polar bears–semiaquatic animals–DROWNING. I still can’t get over that. “QUICK, SOMEONE DRAG THOSE HIPPOS UP ON THE BEACH! SOMEONE THROW A LIFESAVER TO THAT CROCODILE!” Oh, yeah. Polar bears drown CONSTANTLY.

I’m still mad that no one laughed at my new name for Gore. This is your second chance: Pope Prius I.

Now we know what Hillary was talking about when she sort of expressed hope that Obama would be assassinated.

I think I’ve made a giant contribution to our understanding of this scandal. Now I have to get back to “hunkering down.” It’s DEADLY KILLER GLOBAL WARMING HURRICANE SEASON.

More

I finally got into the website where the existence of the whitey video is proclaimed, and wonder of wonders, the guy who broke the story says a Republican candidate dug it up! I can’t believe it. So maybe Hillary ISN’T to blame.

In which case, she is probably kicking herself today. How humiliating. Being outsmeared by a gun-clinging supply-sider.

I am too Stupid to Keep Fish

I finally managed to make myself clean my aquarium. What a drag.

When I started keeping fish two years ago, it was a breeze. I could do no wrong. My plants grew. My fish were healthy. Everything was swell. Then tuberculosis hit the tank, and my fish started dropping dead. And I got weird staghorn algae and a plague of snails. And the loaches I bought to eat the snails turned out to be vegans.

I ended up with only maintenance fish. Otocincluses. A Chinese algae-eater. And three loaches. And the tank looked like an algae display at a horticultural park. So today I took everything out and bleached the tank. My remaining fish are in a glass vase with 2 gallons of water. I believe I threw out an elusive Otocinclus with the dirty gravel.

Fish are fun when they work, but mine have been hopeless for quite some time. I don’t know what all I did wrong. I think I started the ball rolling downhill by getting overconfident and going a long time between water changes. I feel like I gave it the old college try. And I would like to have my three square feet of wasted space back.

Problem: what to do with the remaining fish?

I have killed zillions of fish without a second’s thought. I have crushed their skulls with clubs. I have tossed them in fish boxes to suffocate. I have run hooks through them and used them for live bait until they died. Frankly, I think fish do not suffer. Many times, I’ve seen mortally wounded fish–even fish heads–continue to behave normally. On top of that, the disciples killed fish by the tens of thousands, and Jesus endorsed the use of hooks. I think I should toss a handful of ice cubes in with these fish and let them drift off to Slumberland. But it seems coldhearted. I know absolutely no one I could give them to. Maybe a pet shop would take them.

In other news, Mike has tentatively decided to look for an SW1911 at the gun show. I had a hell of a time getting him to narrow his choices. I’m attention-deficient, but Mike is so bad, he actually asked me for help making a decision. Hopefully we’ll get to put in some range time this weekend.

Think

I”m surprised by some of the comments I’m getting about Ted Kennedy. It looks like some of us would be happy to see Senator Kennedy die from cancer.

I don’t know if they’re serious. I don’t know if they understand what they’re wishing on him.

I’ve only seen one brain tumor patient. He was a middle-aged man, sharing a hospital room with a person I went to visit. When I got there, he was smearing feces on his head. And he couldn’t talk. But he was aware of his surroundings and other people, and he looked healthy, physically. I don’t know much about brain tumors. I suppose sometimes they cause dementia. Who would enjoy seeing Ted Kennedy in that state? It wasn’t funny when it happened to President Reagan.

I’ve said similar things about Castro, and I suppose even that was wrong. But Castro murdered thousands of people. And he tortured and unfairly imprisoned thousands more, and he turned his nation into a penitentiary people were not allowed to leave. The main reason Castro never equaled the evil of Adolf Hitler wasn’t that he was morally superior; it was disparate opportunity.

Ted Kennedy is not in that class, even if he did take care of number one while Mary Jo Kopechne was suffocating in an air pocket in his car.

Sooner or later, we’re going to have to give up the fun of Internet rage and invective and start treating each other like human beings. I say that even though I’ve been as bad as almost anyone. We’re not helping our country by treating each other so harshly we make it impossible to cooperate. It’s actually unpatriotic. At some level, we’re supposed to be on the same side.

You May Not Mention Mrs. Ob-ma

Help me understand this.

Michelle Obama is a middle-aged woman.

Michelle Obama is a Harvard-trained attorney.

Michelle Obama insisted on injecting herself into her husband’s campaign, and she runs for the camera every time she gets the chance, and she deliberately says provocative things, and there is no way to make her shut up.

Why does Barack Obama think it’s wrong to respond to her remarks? Where did he get the idea that he had the right to forbid it?

One more reminder that this guy is a noob and a hopeless amateur. Wait till he gets a taste of the White House Press Corps. Sure, they love Democrats. But even Democrats have to answer a question once in a while.

Is Obama running for President…or Queen?

Hopeless

I had something taking up my time during the last two weeks, and I let it cause me to completely forget about the Cuba Nostalgia convention, here in Miami. I thought I was not going to be able to go. It turned out that wasn’t true, but I was still off in my own world.

If you’re in Miami, Cuba Nostalgia is still going on.

It’s Just my Way

I’m getting ready for prime rib. In the meantime, I corrected some errors in a recent news story.

Matthis Chiroux is the kind of young American liberal nutcakes US military recruiters love.

“I was from a poor, white family from the south, and I did badly in school like most hippies,” the now 24-year-old told AFP.

“I was ‘filet mignon’ for smelly hippie agitators who hate America recruiters. They started phoning me when I was in 10th grade,” or around 16 22 years old, he added. They congratulated me for making it so much farther than any of them had.

Isn’t that better?

Let’s Man Up

Ted Kennedy has been rushed to the hospital. Let’s all be mature and pray he recovers.

You Probably Think This Blog is About You

Let me point a few things out.

1. Coke is better than Pepsi.
2. People who eat liver are crazy.
3. I like doughnuts.
4. Fat guys should not be allowed to buy really small bathing suits.

I now await an angry response from Barack Obama, toward whom these racist remarks were clearly directed.

I don’t think I’m exaggerating his sensitivity. Given his irate response to President Bush’s criticism of terrorist-huggers, it seems that Obama has decided that anyone who criticizes appeasement of terrorists is his enemy.

Okay, actually that would be correct. I didn’t phrase that right. He has decided that such people criticize appeasement, for the Satanic purpose of harming his anointed succession to the Presidency. Call me crazy–once again–but I think he may be wrong. I think some people are against appeasement no matter who does it.

Like “a White House official” *cough cough Dana Perino* said: think Carter. Or don’t, as it hasn’t been that long since breakfast, and you don’t need an ulcer.

I can’t figure Carter out. Imagine you’re an old guy who gets fired from his job for incompetence. So instead of redeeming yourself by getting a new job and doing it well, you keep hanging around your old office, criticizing all the new guys who get your job, all of whom do it way better than you did. That’s Jimmy Carter’s gig. If people like him worked at Wendy’s, every time you went to the drive-through, you’d see some nut standing by the window, yelling things like, “Oh, NO, Lakeisha, you did NOT touch the toppings without a plastic glove!”

You got fired, dog. Move on. You’re what? Like 85? There is no shame in retirement. Go back to Plains and polish your I Hate America, God and Capitalism–I mean “Nobel”–Prize. If you feel you really have to do something about the Jews, join a country club and keep them out.

I really can’t wait to see Obama negotiate with Ahmadinejad. “The President and I have reached an agreement. We will let him make all the bombs he wants, in exchange for his ‘pinky swear’ that he will not use them to destroy Israel or blow up American cities. If he violates his promise, I have assured him that I will be very cross with him, and I will force him to explain why he ‘acted out,’ in a conference call with Oprah and Dr. Phil.”

With Obama, the price for violating a negotiated truce will be…more negotiations. And of course, the Iranians know nothing about negotiations. Haggling is unheard-of in the Middle East.

I think the Messiah vibe is going to Obama’s head. He seems to believe it’s all about Obama. He beat Alan Keyes in a Democrat-controlled state, which is like succeeding in getting Fidel Castro reelected, and he thinks he’s invincible. I have potted plants that could beat Alan Keyes by a wider spread than Obama.

Where is that machine they wouldn’t let Zaphod Beeblebrox go into? We need to send Obama in there and turn the knob to 11. Pablo Picasso had clearer perspective.

For some reason, I am really starting to like John McCain.

Also: snort.

Mr. Articulate One Step Closer to Oval Office

Looks like poor Mrs. Clinton is in trouble for saying white people like her. Oddly, the trouble has not amounted to much. Perhaps that’s because, at this point, what happens to her is about as significant as what happens to Chris Dodd.

Someone needs to make a 3 a.m. call. And they need to say “Go back to sleep.”

I’m surprised that, as the wife of a black man, Mrs. C hasn’t been more popular among black people. It must be that “black man’s Kryptonite” thing. White women take all the successful black men. Clarence Thomas. Worf. Okay, I can’t think of all that many. But couldn’t Hillary have let a sister have the first black President?

Maybe Mrs. C needs to pay a visit to Black People Love Us and find out what she’s doing wrong. Maybe blacks are mad at her because she gave up on that cool African-American accent she was working on a while back. I was totally down with that. I was hoping she’d get herself some dreads and start drinking Pepsi.

Where would Pepsi be today without black people? White people only drink it when they have no choice. You know. You get to the picnic late, and there’s that warm bottle of Pepsi, rolling around in the melting ice at the bottom of the cooler.

Pepsi and menthol cigarettes. That’s what Hillary needs. If she could only learn to scat with a Kool in her hand.

I think the point of Black People Love Us is to help white people understand that no matter how hard we try to become black, we will never quite make it. With one exception. And his luck didn’t rub off on his wife.

Like Bill Cosby used to say, “Rat own, rat own.”

Not sure how that’s relevant to anything.

Busy day today. Marv may manage to blog.

Bad News Filters Out

I am reading about the effects of Typhoon Nargis. Unbelievable. They’re saying 22,000 dead and 40,000 missing. And in Myanmar, my guess is that “missing” means “probably dead.”

I looked up the wind speed. It topped out at 120 miles per hour. In Miami, that’s three days without power and one or two deaths. It’s amazing how different things are in other countries.

Interesting passage from Wikipedia:

The Christian populations do, however, face religious persecution and it is hard, if not impossible, for non-Buddhists to join the army or get government jobs, the main route to success in the country. Such persecution and targeting of civilians is particularly notable in Eastern Burma, where over 3000 villages have been destroyed in the past ten years.

Here’s something from Persecution.org:

Christian persecution is occurring because it is an ethnic issue. Two of the main minority groups are predominantly Christian while the majority of Burma and the majority of the other five minority groups are Buddhist. The government, afraid of the growing collaboration between the minority states, is currently attempting to use religion to re-divide the minority groups. The army offers soldiers 6,000 kyats (their currency) worth of rice to marry a Christian Karenni woman to try to dilute the ethnic group and destroy the culture of the Karenni, which is Christian.

Playing the religion card politically, Buddhism is slightly more tolerated than Christianity. However, Burmese expert, Benedict Rogers told a story of a Burmese army commander, after leading many attacks on Karen villages, summed up the junta’s philosophy when he said, after urinating on the head of a Buddhist monk: “I do not respect any religion. My religion is the trigger of my gun”. (Catholic Herald Jan. 24, 2003).

Anyway, World Vision is helping. If you want to donate, here’s a new link.

More

Some hope that Christian relief money will help reduce hostility to Christianity in Myanmar.

Last year, the government there embarked on an official campaign to eradicate Christianity.

Bad

I assume everyone has heard that the cyclone in Myanmar (formerly Burma) is believed to have killed 10,000 people. And Laura Bush just said something about the military leadership refusing to take US aid. I don’t know if that’s correct, but I do know that you can get money to Myanmar via World Vision, at this link.

If you’re looking for something to pray about today, this is it.