Just This Once

I go outside to transplant tomatoes, and while I’m gone, the world turns upside down. It looks like Hillary Clinton has unearthed (or conjured up, after creating a field of poppies in her crystal ball) a video of Michelle Obama kickin’ it with Louie Farrakhan and using the term “whitey.”

No one has actually seen this video, but I feel completely justified in commenting on it as though it had already been proven to exist and I knew what I was talking about.

People are mad at Michelle Obama. And I think this is reasonable, if only because she reminds me of “Webster.” But aren’t we forgetting the real mastermind? Behold the smoking gun:

Mother: And remember, the Lord loves a working man.

Navin: Lord loves a working man.

Father: And son, don’t never, ever trust whitey.

Navin: Don’t trust whitey. The Lord loves a working man, don’t
trust whitey. (he hugs his mom)

Mother: Ah baby!

Clearly, this scandal has its roots in the childhood home of ruined inventor Navin Johnson. This is where the poison first began to flow. By the way, not many people know this, but Dad Johnson’s first name was Jeremiah.

No, wait. That would make him Jeremiah Johnson.

I feel qualified in issuing an authoritative opinion about this scandal, because I AM, in fact, Whitey. I’m the guy. Other white people talk about how white I am. It amazes them. I have never had a tan. I get sunburned if I stand in front of the refrigerator with the door open for too long.

Here is my question: how come everyone is mad at the Republicans about this? What sane person thinks Republicans had anything to do with it? Sure, we’re dancing arrhythmically with joy. That’s just how we are. Evil. But if you think Hillary isn’t behind this, there is a box containing a thousand stolen FBI files which you need to look at.

You have to give Hillary credit. Ordinarily she’s as tone deaf as Bob Dylan, but this time she managed to stick it to Obama AND smear the blame all over the GOP. And why are the Obama people mad at the Republicans? This is their big chance to out Hillary as the Mud Queen. I realize they want to beat McCain, but Hillary is still blocking the basket.

Uh oh. Basketball metaphor. I apologize once again for my racist attacks on Barack H. Obama. From now on I’ll only refer to white-dominated sports. Like…

Let me get back to you on that.

I can’t wait to see this thing come out. Of course, if Hillary has this video, she also has video of McCain using kittens as potholders. She ought to team up with the CGI people who made Al Gore’s amazing fake video of polar bears–semiaquatic animals–DROWNING. I still can’t get over that. “QUICK, SOMEONE DRAG THOSE HIPPOS UP ON THE BEACH! SOMEONE THROW A LIFESAVER TO THAT CROCODILE!” Oh, yeah. Polar bears drown CONSTANTLY.

I’m still mad that no one laughed at my new name for Gore. This is your second chance: Pope Prius I.

Now we know what Hillary was talking about when she sort of expressed hope that Obama would be assassinated.

I think I’ve made a giant contribution to our understanding of this scandal. Now I have to get back to “hunkering down.” It’s DEADLY KILLER GLOBAL WARMING HURRICANE SEASON.

More

I finally got into the website where the existence of the whitey video is proclaimed, and wonder of wonders, the guy who broke the story says a Republican candidate dug it up! I can’t believe it. So maybe Hillary ISN’T to blame.

In which case, she is probably kicking herself today. How humiliating. Being outsmeared by a gun-clinging supply-sider.