Mr. Turkey Will be Spinning in His Grave

Have you read about the canned pumpkin shortage? My dad saw the story somewhere. I have since obtained two cans of pumpkin, so I’m not worried. Maybe you should run out and shop.

I should have been satisfied with one can, which would be enough for one pie. But I always make two. Even though I’m not a big pumpkin pie fan.

One thing I learned that you might want to try: sushi ginger will really liven up a pie. I ran out of cruddy powdered ginger a few years back, and pickled ginger was all I had, so I used it. It was much better than the canned stuff.

I have to thank Mike for the rotisserie turkey idea. It will free up oven space for dressing and yams, and I think my dad will get a charge out of using his Showtime oven. I never dreamed he’d be cooking the turkey. Another plus: it may enable me to take time out to go to my church’s Thanksgiving service.

I have to get started today. I’ll make a couple of pones of cornbread, I guess. Pies tomorrow. And I can boil the yams and potatoes tomorrow and put them in the fridge.

I don’t think I have a dressing recipe. I meant to write down the proportions of the ingredients last time, but I failed. I guess it doesn’t matter. It always comes out perfect.

I would love to stuff the bird with stuffing laced with my homemade pork sausage. That would be tremendous. But Mike advises against stuffing rotisserie birds.

Reader Ruth says:

I don’t want to be an old granny about this but…
Remember what Jimmah Cartah said about lusting in his heart,
well, I think you are lusting after food in your heart.

She’s kidding, but I’ve found that it’s completely possible to covet food. During fasts, I used to think about the stuff I would eat the following mornings. “Covet” means more than “want.” It means “to set your heart on.” That’s what I did. I set my heart on things like McDonald’s breakfasts. I was determined to have them, come hell or high water.

That’s bad. When you set your heart on things, you don’t allow for change. And sometimes change is the right thing. For example, you might decide to fast for a day, and then toward the end, you might feel led to go on and make it two or three days. But what if you’ve set your heart at having pizza? It will be really hard to give that up. If you can’t alter course, you’ll miss whatever God intended you to get.

I’ve found that it’s possible to covet things I already have. One example is money. Sometimes I feel like I should give an offering, and something inside me wants to hold onto it. And most Christians covet their tithes, which already belong to God, even though they’re in our possession. Robert Morris notes that the Bible doesn’t tell us to “give” God tithes. It says to “bring” them. You can’t give what you don’t own.

I don’t think it’s wrong to see things other people have and feel brief moments of desire. That’s not setting your heart on them, and it would be somewhat abnormal not to want good things. But it’s definitely wrong to obsess on them and think of ways to get them.

Abraham was told that all sorts of wonderful things would happen to his descendants, but he was told to kill Isaac. Maybe his obedience shows that he refused to set his heart on the things he was promised, because his true wealth was his relationship with God. On the other hand, it has been suggested that he simply trusted God to bring Isaac back to life.

When I used to have one or two “fat days” per week, I was jam-packed with covetousness. I had to have those days to keep from going crazy. I don’t do that any more. I don’t even eat breakfast at McDonald’s on a regular basis. That was a cherished Saturday ritual. But breaks and days off are for people who are under a strain. Now that God has removed gluttony from my life and given me strength to behave, I’m not straining to avoid overeating. I make a little effort, but not much.

Recently I realized I was excessively fond of my morning coffee. I looked forward to it even before I went to bed. And most of the reason was the caffeine, which helped me figure out which planet I was on in the dim hours of early morning. This week I decided to give it a rest. I won’t have coffee or any caffeine-heavy beverage until at least Friday. I don’t want anything to have that kind of hold on me.

I enjoy things more, now that I don’t give myself everything I want. I enjoy food and money a great deal more. I don’t have wanton eating sessions, and I think more and pray more before I spend. These things help more than you would imagine. An old Yiddish proverb says, “Di gor rayche zaynen di vos zaynen zat mit dos vos zey hobn,” or, ”The truly rich are those who enjoy what they have.” Boy, is that true. If you enjoy what you have, greed won’t be a problem for you.

This afternoon I’m going to the hospital with my sister. We’re going to talk to her radiation oncologist, to get information about prophylactic cranial irradiation. This is the last stage of her cancer treatment. I would appreciate it if people would offer some prayers. It’s a very hard decision to make. They’re telling her she may lose a few IQ points. It has to be hard, risking a thing like that.

UPS Brings a Box of Nirvana

My Scott Hams country ham arrived from Kentucky! I also ordered a big jar of sorghum. I can’t wait to try this stuff. Maybe tomorrow.

For some reason, they only sent me 9 1/2 pounds on an order for a 16-18-pound ham. They’re looking into it. I guess they’ll issue a credit or send more ham. I am looking at their site, and I’m seriously tempted to order more stuff. They have dried apples! Not the white city kind. The brownish country kind. I’m going to ask if they use June apples. If so, I’m buying. They also sell jowl bacon, which I’ve never tried. How can I resist that?

I’m reading up on curing country hams. I think I can do this. All I need is cold and a ham. I have a beer cooler I keep at around 35 degrees, and I can put Damprid in it to keep the moisture down. That should work great.

According to the University of Missouri extension site, all I have to do is apply the cure, keep the ham dry and cold for about seven weeks, smoke the ham a little at 85 degrees (I have the technology), and then let it age in the beer cooler!

I’m trying to remember what my grandmother used on her hams. I know she used molasses, pepper, and salt. I think she also used sulfur, but I’m not sure why.

Here’s something funny. When I was a kid, I found saltpeter in her kitchen cabinet. I didn’t know they used it on hams. The grandkids thought she was putting it in my grandfather’s food.

The big drawback to curing my own ham is that I would have to wait a minimum of a year before I could eat it. But it would cost about a dollar and forty cents per pound, including the curing ingredients.

The great thing about this is that I could start doing one ham per year, and I could space them out so I had a two-year-old ham ready for eating every fall. My grandmother used to age hers two years. They were the best I’ve ever had.

Mike called to tell me his idea for deep-fried hamburgers, and I told him about the ham and the jowl bacon and sorghum. Now he’s all excited.

He says to use a Showtime oven for the turkey. He claims the texture is unlike any oven turkey he’s ever had. Believe it or not, my dad has such an oven. So I’m putting him in charge. I’ll prep the turkey, and he can take it from there.

Having given up gluttony, I’m not sure how Thanksgiving will go. Small portions, I guess.

Plus Ham Project

I think I have the answer to my sausage-fat problem. I have Costco to supply me with cheap, high-quality pork loin, but I need a source of fat. Today I found a three-pound bag of bacon end pieces for five bucks. If the quality is okay, this will be perfect. It will have the same per-pound cost as the loin, so I can combine them in differing amounts until I get a ratio I like.

Now that I think about it, Gordon Food Supply has the best bacon on earth: Roegelein’s. And they sell it in bags of end pieces. That would be perfect. How could you beat sausage made partly from bacon?

Costco is selling uncured hams. Tempting. I wonder if I could cure one.

Pounds and Pounds of Pleasure

The pork sausage I made is filling my life with joy.

God miraculously delivered me from gluttony. That means these days I just don’t want as much food as I used to, so I eat less. But the custom of having three meals a day is a threat. I’m not all that active, and three real meals–even if small–can be enough to prevent weight loss or cause gain. That means I have to quit eating a lot at at dinner, which is a meal I don’t particularly want to begin with. So I’m shifting the calories to earlier meals.

I’m not hungry in the morning or at night, so I think I’m going to shift the focus of my food day to lunch. That means I need to eat a respectable lunch. This is where pork sausage fits into the picture. I haven’t been able to have a good breakfast for the longest time; it just doesn’t make sense to stuff myself when I’m not hungry. But now I can have breakfast for lunch! I can use my gorgeous antique skillets, which make the best-tasting eggs imaginable! I just had two fried eggs, two sausage patties, and two pieces of toast, and I even let myself have butter!

That sausage is the bomb. It has no gamy smell, the seasoning is perfect, and it seems like the quality lard I used to bulk it up makes it fry up better than store sausage. It’s funny how simple foods can be better than fancy-shmancy dishes served at expensive restaurants. If you can make a really good cheeseburger, you won’t have the slightest interest in mastering complicated cuisine.

Maybe one reason we overeat is that our food is so unsatisfying.

Hmm…I used to overeat when I was eating really good food. Well, it was a fun theory for the ten seconds during which I entertained it.

I can’t wait to make sausage with apple juice in it. I can do that as soon as I eat the…ten and a half pounds of sausage I already have.

Argghh.

Oh…oh…turducken made with pork sausage made with apple juice instead of sugar…oh…

I need to breathe into a bag for a sec.

Your Eggs Will Thank You

I could not resist frying up a piece of the sausage I made yesterday. It turns out it’s excellent. The lard I added made it fry up properly. The seasoning is mild but balanced. I suspect that store sausage relies on heavy applications of sage to kill the gamy smell of cheap pork.

Here’s what I’d suggest, if you want to try this. I highly recommend an electric grinder, or you could have your butcher grind the meat.

INGREDIENTS

10 lbs. pork (shoot for 40% fat)
3/8 cup brown sugar
3 tsp. pepper
2 tsp. cayenne
2 tbsp. sage
1/4 cup salt
1 tbsp. paprika

You can increase any of the seasonings if you want. Test the sausage by frying test pieces after you mix it. If you can it, remove the sage and crank up the other hot seasonings.

I screwed up by underdoing the fat content, but the lard was my salvation.

Try not to get gamy cuts. Brining in a 16:1 solution of water and baking soda will fix it, but it’s a lot of work.

I really want to try this with apple juice concentrate substituted for the sugar. I think I’ll get some frozen juice and reduce it as much as possible before adding it.

Workout + Food

I learned a few things about making sausage today.

1. Sausage has sugar in it. Or at least it can.

2. If you use a hand grinder, you have to get the ring that holds the grinder together on as tightly as possible. Otherwise, the blade will fail to cut long fibers of meat as they pass through, and the grinder will clog.

3. Do not use a hand grinder unless you are a masochist or in need of bust development.

4. Picnic hams appear incredibly fatty when you grind them, but they’re actually too lean for sausage.

I took my brined hams and ground them up (nightmare), and then I used this recipe:

INGREDIENTS

10 lbs. pork
1/2 cup brown sugar
3 tsp. black pepper
2 tsp. cayenne
1 tbsp. paprika
1/4 cup salt
2 tbsp. sage
1/2 lb. El Cochinito brand lard

I added the lard because the test pieces I fried made almost no grease, and that’s unacceptable. I guess next time I’ll find a way to get more fat into the meat. Maybe I should buy pork loins at Costco and mix them with plain old fatback. Costco loins are cheap, and the quality is great. The picnic hams are okay, but they’re hard to cut up, and I suspect the meat is not as good for sausage as loins are. I’ve never had a gamy loin chop, but picnic hams are hit and miss.

The recipe I started with contained no paprika, and it only used two tbsp. of pepper. I thought the first test piece was a little bland, hence the pepper. I would cut the brown sugar to 3/8 cup next time. A little garlic wouldn’t hurt. I think powder would be better than fresh for this use.

I wonder if I could substitute frozen apple juice concentrate for the sugar. That would rock.

I ended up with 11 pounds of sausage. I intended to can it, but I couldn’t make myself make sausage without sage in it. It seemed immoral somehow. And you can’t can it if it contains sage. I shaped the sausage into 11 one-pound loaves and put them in the freezer to firm up. When they’re hard, I’ll seal ten of them in bags and freeze them. The other one is for immediate use.

This stuff will be much better than store sausage, mainly because of the paprika. When I made the first test piece, I thought it was a little sweet, and I thought it needed more pepper, and I knew there was something else missing. I concentrated hard, and then I knew the answer. I made two more test pieces, with paprika in one piece. It turned out to be exactly what was needed. This amount of sage is fairly light, but I didn’t mind that.

If I were going to can this stuff, I’d jack the cayenne and black pepper up by at least one teaspoon each, because I’d have to remove the sage, and that would make the sausage too mild.

It’s sad that the sausage is better than store sausage, because now I’m spoiled. Oh well.

I Will Adorn it With Crosses in Honor of My President

I got my Saiga-12 fixed up. I haven’t machined the receiver for the new buttstock, but I got the new trigger guard and fire control group installed. The buttstock will be very easy compared to this other stuff.

I learned a lot from the people at Saiga-12.com. They are extremely helpful and patient.

Some tips for people who do their own conversions:

1. Go to the forum at Saiga-12.com for help. Those guys are fantastic.

2. Don’t forget to take out whatever is retaining the trigger and hammer pins before trying to tap them out of the receiver.

3. Use a center drill (Google it) to start the holes when you drill out the rivets on the Hillary-style trigger guard and the old trigger group. Use a drill press or milling machine to start the holes on the trigger guard rivets, if possible.

4. When you take out the bolt hold open lever and spring, make sure you sketch the location and orientation of the parts. They make no sense, and if you look for pictures online, you’ll find stuff that’s misleading.

5. When you put the gun back together, install the safety lever first. Trust me.

6. If you have a Tromix fire control group, the big V-shaped retaining spring for the hammer and fire control group pins should be oriented with the point of the V toward the back of the gun. If it won’t click into place, open the loop at the point of the V slightly and try again.

7. When you install a Tromix fire control group, the hammer goes in backwards.

8. To reinstall the BHO lever and spring, do this. Drop the trigger in. Put the pin in it. Make a 1/8″-long (or shorter) bend in the short end of the spring, so it catches the little projection on the lever. Drop the spring into the receiver. Run the pin through it, into the far side of the receiver. Drop the BHO lever in. Make yourself a tool from a paper clip (don’t use a dental pick). Straighten the clip and make a tiny hook at one end, just big enough to hold the spring wire. Make a bigger hook at the other end, big enough to go around a screwdriver shaft. Catch the spring end in the little hook, put a screwdriver in the big hook, and use the screwdriver shaft as a handle to pull the spring end toward the muzzle of the gun. You should be able to drop the spring end onto the projection on the lever. This tip is worth its weight in gold. You don’t need the BHO lever, so you can throw it out if you want.

I find it amusing that “BHO” stands for “bolt hold open” as well as B. Hussein Obama.

9. Don’t worry about scratching the finish on the gun, because it’s no good and will need to be replaced. Use aluminum oxide 120 grit to blast the old crap off, and then coat the gun with Norrell’s moly resin or Brownell’s aerosol equivalent. You can use Norrell’s on the inside of the receiver, because it’s too thin to interfere with moving parts. Not sure about Brownell’s. Glass bead blasting will result in a finish that falls off.

That’s about it. I learned some of this stuff from experience and some by begging and Googling.

Now it’s time to relax and have a healthy dinner of ham hocks, fried apples, and mustard greens.

Pre-conversion:

Post-half-conversion:

Ham for the Holidays

I decided I needed a ham. You know how that is. So I went online to look for one.

My cousin Wade says Col. Newsom’s hams are the way to go, and the one I bought back when I was writing the cookbook was jim-dandy. That’s why I recommended Col. Newsom’s. But their prices are out of whack now. They want $89 for a ham.

I found a couple of interesting options. First, I looked at a Tennessee company. When it comes to ham, I like Tennessee, Kentucky, and North Carolina. I know Virginia is famous for ham, but I’ve never had any Virgina country ham that I thought was worth eating. Tennessee, I have no problems with.

The company is called Benton’s, and they have a very tempting offering. They sell two types of hams. First, relatively young hams. Second, hams aged until they get a little funky. This is what real country ham is. A ham aged six months or less is a fake. It won’t have the complex flavors and the acidity an old ham has. Benton’s sells hams aged 12-18 months. They run around 15 pounds, and they cost $65.

I thought I might give that a shot, but then I came across Scott Hams, in Greenville, Kentucky. Their hams keep winning prizes at the Kentucky State Fair and other festivals and what not. The fair is held in Louisville, which is practically the same as New York by ham standards, but surely there must be a few people there who have a clue. I called them up, and they told me their hams go a year. They said they would be happy to pack the ham the way I wanted it, which means sliced and bagged, with the hock in its own bag. The ham’s price is $48.50, and that’s a 16-pounder. You can’t beat that deal with a stick. I placed my order. I may try Benton’s eventually, regardless.

I just called them again. I was looking at their site, and they sell good Kentucky sorghum molasses. This stuff is nothing like the nasty molasses most people eat. And they’re selling it for $8.00 per quart, which is very reasonable. I put that on my order.

I just did some Googling, and I learned something interesting. The reason most molasses is no good is that it’s real molasses. The stuff they make in Kentucky is made from sorghum. True molasses comes from manufacturing by-products or something. Stuff they sweep off the floor at sugar mills. It comes from sugar cane and sugar beets. Okay, whatever. I guess what I like is actually “sorghum syrup,” although I have never heard anyone call it that.

Kentucky ham producers have gotten smart and started selling their own versions of prosciutto. I’ll bet it’s excellent.

In a couple of weeks I may have to make me a Kentucky breakfast, with fried ham, redeye gravy, cream gravy, scrambled eggs, bacon grease biscuits, and molasses and jelly. And a big glass of tea. And fried apples. And a portable defibrillator.

I gave up gluttony recently, so I guess I’ll have to find a way to make really tiny biscuits.

More

I unpacked my meat grinder, and it has no impeller! My sausage plans must wait until I can get to Northern Tool.

Creativity Forbidden

I’m all bummed out because I learned a sad fact about home canning.

Before I got into it, I read stuff on the web, and I got the impression that I would be able to can my own recipes. I put up seven pints of chili. Then I learned that using your own recipes is a huge canning faux pas.

I thought home canning was a technology that had been perfected in basements, by millions of mothers and grandmothers. But it turns out there are food laboratories that put recipes together. They put temperature probes into jars full of food, and they process them, and they record the results. Then they come up with approved pressure and time guidelines for the recipes they use. If you deviate substantially from those recipes, you may not heat all areas of your jars enough, and then you get botulism, which takes months to go away. Meanwhile, people tell you how much younger you look.

This means you have to find USDA-approved recipes and use them. What good is that? If I wanted other people’s bad recipes, I wouldn’t waste time putting together my own wonderful recipes. Imagine how badly food scientists cook.

I’m going to see what I can do to work around this. Sometimes it’s possibly to use an approved recipe and then add your own stuff when you open the jar. But if the approved recipes are so bad they can’t be fixed, that won’t work.

My chili has cheddar cheese melted into it, so I’m sure it has much more fat in it than the USDA recipe (which is probably boring and bland). Adding fat can throw off processing times. I have to study up on this and see what I can do.

Luckily, pork sausage is approved for canning. For some reason, they don’t tell you to cook it through. That seems odd. Maybe it cooks through when you put it in the canner.

I also read that if your canner drops below the required pressure, you have to start over. You have to raise it to the right pressure and set the time to zero again. The processing you did before you lost pressure doesn’t count.

Here’s good news. You can destroy botulin by boiling your food for ten minutes. I’ve also seen twenty minutes mentioned, so take it for what it’s worth. Never trust me when it comes to food safety.

I stuck my remaining chili in the fridge. I’ll get rid of it fast enough to avoid problems. It’s probably fine, but botulism sounds like it’s no fun at all, so I’m not ready to take a chance.

I found out what killed my pressure canner. The gasket has a tiny hole in it. I’m going to have to go to Goodman’s and get a couple of new ones. Didn’t see this coming.

Today I’ll check out my picnic shoulders, and if they smell okay, I’ll go ahead and make sausage. If not, I’ll brine them in baking soda to kill the stench. Boar taint is the thing that ruins pork sausage, and you don’t have to tolerate it.

Hmm…will this upset the canning schedule because it reduces the acidity? Probably not. I don’t think meat is acidic enough to retard the growth of anything, so treating it with baking soda probably won’t matter.

Gasket Troubles

Last night a dreadful thing happened. I had seven pints of chili in the pressure canner, and suddenly, I heard a loud hiss. The gasket wasn’t sealing right.

The pressure began to drop. Not knowing what else to do, I cranked up the heat to raise the pressure, and I kept the chili going for the required time. At the end I could tell some juice had leaked past the jar seals, but they sealed up anyway.

I can’t figure out what’s wrong. The gasket looks fine. When I bought the canner, the manual said to scrub all the oil off everything. The gasket had a lot of grease on it, so I scrubbed it, too. Maybe that was stupid. Maybe the grease helped it seal.

Now I’m experimenting with it. I oiled it with olive oil, and I’m heating the canner. I can’t get a new gasket until Monday.

This morning I heard several “poink” sounds from the kitchen. I figured my canned stuff was opening up. But when I checked all the jars, they looked fine. I really hope I don’t get botulism. I want to have a nice smile at my funeral.

Still have to make pork sausage. Even if I can’t can it, I can get it ready for frying.

Pints of Pain

In case you’re interested, my chili recipe yields a little over seven pints. I filled seven Ball jars, and I had enough left over for a tiny snack.

I hope this works. Imagine the convenience of having truly phenomenal chili in a jar.

Mike called while I was cooking. He’s all upset now, because he has no canning technology. He wants to make his grandmother’s spicy pickles. I told him about Goodmans.net.

My Ball Blue Book arrived today. It’s the Bible of canning. Well, it would be. If we canners didn’t already have real Bibles to cling to bitterly.

I made these pints mild (by my standards), so I could donate them to my dad. The next seven are MINE, and they will probably melt their own lids.

Accuse Them of Lying to Get Warranty Stuff

I ran down to Northern Tool and got a meat grinder and ordered a new pulley for my band saw. I am not sure they understand how customer relations works. The first guy I dealt with wanted me to pay for the pulley. I told him it was a warranty thing because it was defective. He said, “How do we know that?” I asked him how I could ever prove anything I bought was defective. Maybe I broke everything I ever got fixed on warranty.

Surely Northern Tool doesn’t train people to say crazy things like that. “I realize you’ve bought thousands of dollars’ worth of unneeded male toys here, but I feel entitled to question your honesty because you want a free eight-dollar part.”

“Thousands” is a bit of an exaggeration for me, but not for everyone who shops there.

They’re lucky I shop there at all. Here’s why. They charge more than the website, and if I buy over the web and I have a warranty issue, I can handle it from home. If I buy at the store, they may not have what I want, they’ll charge 20% more, I’ll definitely have to pay sales tax (I do that anyway these days), and if there’s a problem, I have to drive to the store all over again.

I’d shut up with that “how do we know that” business, if I worked there.

Here’s another reason to avoid their stores. They only keep computerized purchase records for three months. After that, you have to produce a receipt. If you don’t have a receipt, you have a problem. I don’t know how long the website keeps records, but I guarantee you, it’s at least three months, and you don’t have to wait twenty minutes while a manager pores over charge records.

Man, I would keep that “how do we know that” to myself. I really would.

I could have ordered this saw and had it shipped free of charge. No driving. Right on my porch.

Oh, boy. Seriously. Big mistake, telling the customer you think he’s a liar.

I may never shop there again, now that I’ve seen my own arguments against it. It seems like a dumb thing to do.

After Northern Tool, I hit the grocery. I got chili ingredients. I looked at chili-canning recipes online, and while I have no intention of using them, I got the information I needed. Seventy-five minutes at 11 psi. This is going to be fantastic. I hope.

Speaking of hope, I hope the grinder is okay. Some people say they’ve had great experiences with it. Others, not so much. Surely it can handle ten pounds of pork without too much trouble.

“We Could Raid the Fat Guy’s House if he Didn’t Have all Those Guns”

Is this the greatest day in the history of the world, or what? It’s 64° outside, I have nine new jars of home-canned sweet pickles, I have new tires on my diesel 4×4, and I’m sitting on what amounts to a small ammunition dump. Plus I’m enjoying big mug of decaffeinated coffee with half and half. All of the pleasure with none of the tics and irritability.

I’m trying to decide what else to can. I was really excited about pork sausage and pickles, but the pickles are done, the sausage isn’t going to be that much of a challenge, and I need to come up with other stuff.

I’m thinking beans. I bought a bunch of dried beans for SHTF purposes, but they become useless after about a year and a half, unless you know how to turn them into flour. They would be much more useful if they could be kept longer. And I just happen to make amazing bean soup. I make soup beans, black bean soup, and navy bean soup. It’s incredibly good.

If I can this stuff, I’ll have SHTF beans that will last much longer than dried beans. I think. I have to find out how long canned beans keep.

Man, this would be great. Pint jars full of tasty soup, waiting for cornbread and greens.

I guess the wet blankets will point out that beans are available in remarkable new inventions called cans. But they’re not as good, nor are they as much fun. I like Bush’s beans just fine, but it’s just plain stupid to compare them to real beans.

I wonder if I could can barbecue beans. I don’t see why not. Oh, man. Yes. What a convenience. BBQ beans plus browned smoked sausage! And I could can chili! My astounding Unauthentic White Anglo-Saxon Protestant Chili, with tons of homemade chili powder and exotic peppers. Picture it, sitting in little jars, just waiting to rip the intestines out of unsuspecting wimps. Wow, would that be great. I could can the wuss version plus the manly version, and when I wanted to serve chili to people, I’d be able to keep the versions separate.

I’m so tired of lame chili. When I make it for myself, I can ratchet the heat up, but if even one other person eats with me, I’m forced to make it weak and silly.

CANNED DORO WAT! OH, BABY! I just thought of that! Canned Ethiopian-style chicken stew! Brutal and satisfying.

Oooh…canned collard greens with salt pork.

I have to hold onto something. This is too much.

If Obama continues working his economic magic, and I’m forced to eat stored food, I’ll eat better than I do right now. I wonder if chili will keep getting better in a jar, the way it does in the fridge.

I’m Googling around, and I see cautious people recommending a 1-year storage maximum, while others say that if the food passes inspection, you can keep it much, much longer. I just read about canned goods found on a ship that sunk in 1865. They were tested in 1974 and found to be okay.

I can tell you this. My grandmother never threw anything out in her life, unless it said “whiskey” on the label.

Stand in Awe of my Cukes

I ran some vital errands.

First, I got me some new canning jars and lids. Now I have enough to make the effort worthwhile. Then I found diesel at the incredible price of $2.68 per gallon. Around here, that’s cheap. If you drive around Miami, you’ll see $2.90 fairly often. Then I got me a bunch of pickling cucumbers. After that, I loaded up with two picnic hams. These are uncured pork shoulder parts. Should be good for sausage.

My plan is to brine the pork with baking soda to kill the taint. Then tomorrow I’ll do my best to make sausage and can it. It should work out to about $1.50 per pound. I guess it would have been smart to find out what ordinary sausage costs. For all I know, it’s less than that. But I don’t care. I want my canned sausage.

I learned something important. Costco is the pork source. Winn-Dixie is supposed to have whole shoulders for 79¢ per pound, but they were out. I can get gorgeous loins for like $1.79 at Costco, so presumably their shoulders are a lot cheaper.

I’m going to put calcium chloride in my pickles to see if it makes them crunchy.

Tomorrow I have to go to Northern Tool and get a meat grinder. I got my jars at Goodmans.net (their warehouse is nearby), and they sell grinders, but they were out of stock.

That place is hilarious. Every canning item in the universe–and most other items–is available there. They have a bank of pretty young latinas who help you with your order. I think they think it’s funny that a grown man comes in and fills his diesel pickup with Ball jars.

I’ll look less silly in the post-Obama wasteland, when everyone is starving and I’m stuffing myself with delicious canned sausage and dried apple pies. I’ll be sitting on top of the world.

More

Let’s see. I bought seven packages with four cucumbers in each. I ate maybe two and a half cucumbers. Now I have about 27 cups of slices. So each cucumber makes about one cup of slices.

Good thing to know, next time I shop for pickling cucumbers. Which should be in 2013, given that I just bought 50% more than I intended. I’m going to have a dozen pint jars full of these babies.

I checked into beans for pickling. The big pole beans were incredibly expensive. Like $2.50 per pound. The smaller green beans just didn’t look suitable.

I don’t know why the cucumbers I bought were labeled “salad cucumbers,” and I don’t understand why people call them “pickling cucumbers.” They taste a lot better than the nasty, greasy, waxed jumbo cucumbers I used to buy. I am all done with those. These are superior.

I can’t stand wax on my food. Think about it. You have some dirty guy in the back of the store, picking his nose and spitting, waxing the cucumbers with a filthy rag. And the wax permanently traps the filth on the food. It’s very hard to remove. And what is wax made from? Is it petroleum? I don’t want to eat that stuff. It’s a fat, for sure. What will it do to my arteries? I can’t even guess.

This is going to be beautiful, but once it’s done, I won’t get to practice again for months. I guess that’s the point, however.

Bigger Pantry Needed

I guess people get tired of reading things like this about the food I make, but…the sweet pickles I made turned out to be the best I’ve ever had. Even better than my grandmother’s. I can’t believe pickles can be this good. After a day in the fridge, the salt and seasonings did their thing, and the result was magnificent. Now I’m worried about having these things around. Dills are virtually calorie-free, but sweet pickles are loaded with sugar. I was miraculously delivered from gluttony back in August, but that doesn’t mean I need to tempt myself.

I’d post the recipe, but it came from a cookbook, so you ought to just get the book. Besides, I’m sure there are a million similar recipes on the web. I omitted the onions from the book receipe, and I used white sugar instead of brown. Other than that, it’s exactly what you’ll find in Shuck Beans, Stack Cakes, and Honest Fried Chicken.

Church was amazing last night, and this morning, I got a startling answer to prayer. Unfortunately, I can’t describe it in any detail, because it involves another person’s private business. All I can say is this: when you know someone whose behavior is atrocious, and you want to change it, fasting and prayer will give you surprising results. People have free will; no doubt about it. But that doesn’t mean God won’t work his persuasive powers on them. Besides, some bad behavior is due to demonic oppression, and your fasting can clear that up in another person.

This morning it occurred to me that I should always attack problems spiritually before acting in my own strength. I can’t say all problems are rooted in spiritual causes, although maybe they are. I can say that all problems should be attacked via spiritual warfare before we step in and screw things up with our blind bumbling. I think maybe this was what Jesus was getting at when he talked about turning the other cheek and so on. It wasn’t so much that it’s good to be a loser. His point, I think, was that your first response to hostility or adversity should be spiritual, not fleshly. Maybe I’m wrong. Either God put this stuff in my head, or it’s wrong, and I came up with it myself.

Last night at church, I told my pastor and one other person that things are going so well for me now that I don’t have any real problems. I have relatively trivial difficulties, but nothing major. I said that these days, it’s the people around me who have problems. They’re the ones I think I need to apply the bulk of my energy to. I may have sounded arrogant when I said all that. I certainly hope not; I was trying to comment on God’s goodness to me.

Here’s a funny thing about Christianity. When you talk about the great things God is doing for you, other people may take it as boasting. We’re all trying to get our lives sorted out and walk in blessings, so when someone else does well, it may seem like that person thinks he’s a better Christian than you. That’s not what I’m trying to say. I’m just saying…this stuff is WORKING.

The Psalms say, “My soul shall make her boast in the Lord. The humble [or ‘needy’] shall hear thereof and be glad.” That seems to indicate the intelligent and constructive way to receive another person’s good news. If someone else gets something good, the smart thing is to try to find out what they did right.

I guess I was wrong to get up and do the Church Lady Superior Dance during the altar call. That, I regret.

I forgive the lady who sacked me and sat on me until the ushers arrived with the wheelbarrow. I wish I knew her name so I could return her weave. I probably shouldn’t be using it to dust my CD collection.

One of the funny problems I have right now is that my weight loss has made my skin break out. The weight loss has irritated my gall bladder, and the end result is slight skin problems. I guess I can live with that. It’s not like I have leprosy. Fifteen or twenty pounds from now, the weight loss should stop, and then I’ll be at equilibrium, so the stress to my body should go away.

Gall bladders are catch-22 organs. If you get fat, you become susceptible to gall bladder trouble. If you lose weight, during the process, you’re likely to have gall bladder flare-ups. Your gall bladder wants you to stay fat so it never gets well. Presumably, when I’m no longer fat or losing weight, I’ll be just fine.

I started taking a disgusting daily tonic of lime juice, olive oil, and oil of oregano, and I feel a whole lot better. And it gives me a use for my gigantic supply of fresh limes. Oil of oregano is loaded with terpenes, which are supposed to be hard on gallstones. It amazes me that medical science has absolutely no effective treatment for gall bladder disease. They know virtually nothing about preventing it. They don’t even try. I guess jerking gall bladders out at $5000 a pop is just too easy. Medical science has decided God made a mistake when he gave us gall bladders. They used to feel the same way about tonsils and appendices, but that’s changing. Bodies are like cars. I trust the engineers who design cars more than a slackjawed mechanic who tries to fix them.