Burrowing Owl Impression

I will never figure Marv out. He is having some out time. I am sitting in a chair with high arms, and he is between me and the right arm, facing the rear of the chair, and my arm is mashing him down into the chair, and he seems completely happy about it.

Earlier tonight he made a flatulence sound so convincing it sounded like he had a subwoofer.

I don’t know what he’s doing right now, but it’s probably a good thing, because I don’t think he will poop in that position.

Long-Awaited Tool Purchase

I’m beside myself with excitement. The miter saw I wanted to buy is on sale! In a BIG way! Home Depot knocked $200 off the price!

A year or two ago I got myself a 10″ compound miter saw, and I felt like a big deal. But I was actually an idiot. Because I did not realize that a 10″ saw that doesn’t slide will not cut anything wider than about six inches. It’s great for tiny jobs. For large pieces of wood, it is utterly useless. You have to flip them over and cut from the other side, and then you get errors because the blade is out of alignment by a fraction of a millimeter. I have it very square, but it’s not perfect.

Since buying this thing, I have been amazed to learn how many jobs it WON’T do. It’s a great saw, but too small is too small.

A 12″ sliding saw will cut 13.5″ across a board. You can go right through a four-by-four with it, too.

Now I have to figure out what to put it on. Very confusing. There are a bunch of good stands out there. Ryobi makes a beauty, believe it or not. It’s also sold under the Denali brand. But hold on! It’s too small for 12″ sliding saws. So are a lot of the others.

Ridgid makes one, but it’s gigantic and heavy, and the legs that hold up the support things at the ends of the stand are no good. Bosch makes a great one, but it’s $279. Delta makes a nice one, but you have to attach your saw permanently. I’m not sure if that bothers me or not.

I guess I could flop it onto the Workmate and use two freestanding support doodads. Whatever they’re called.

This saw would be perfect for deck problems and so on.

Maybe the answer is to buy the Delta stand and leave it set up in the garage. A miter saw is extremely handy, but only if it’s always ready to use.

I don’t know what to do with the old saw. Buying it was a mistake. Craigslist, maybe.

I have been considering turning my old melamine desk into a router table. If I do that, I can put the miter saw on it and use add-on supports. The router is under the table, and the miter saw would be above it, so there would be no conflict.

Dust removal will be challenging. Maybe I should just put a big fan beside the table, to blow sawdust out into the driveway. I’ve noticed that no matter how much sawdust I blow out there, it disappears in a day or two. And I can pretend it’s mulch.

One-Oven Blues Get me Down

People who only have one oven should be shot and put out of their misery. I am juggling potatoes and dressing and a turkey, trying to get everything done at roughly the same time without burning or undercooking anything. Not easy.

My turkey pan has some kind of rack in it that holds the bird off the bottom. I had to remove it in order to have vertical clearance for the turkey plus two dishes of dressing. That meant the dressing was on the bottom rack, next to the heat. I had to take them out and put a hollow baking sheet under them to keep the bottom of the dressing from being burnt.

I have a mound of delicious garlic mashed potatoes in another dish. It’s at about 90 degrees now. I’ll have no choice but to nuke it. My sister made a sweet potato dish that will have to be warmed up somehow. And I haven’t even discussed rolls or gravy.

It will work. You wait and see. I will MAKE it work. I always have.

Don’t Forget the Founder of the Feast

Tell me you don’t love America. It’s Thanksgiving morning, and the kitchen smells like oranges. And it’s not because I’ve been making cranberry relish. It’s because I used Flush-Out to clean one of my rifles on the dining room table. Are there scenes like this in homes in Europe? Not many, I’ll bet.

I think things are going okay on this end. The turkey is odd-looking, but I think the brining will fix it up. I considered adding baking soda to the brine, because the dark meat of organic hippie turkeys is said to have a fishy flavor that needs to be killed. I changed my mind because I didn’t want to take the flavor out of the white meat.

Because our nation is a mess and we have just elected a socialist President, who will exacerbate things if he succeeds in implementing his policies, this is a very important Thanksgiving. People don’t think of Thanksgiving as a religious holiday, but it’s a day dedicated to thanking God. We have been very ungrateful, and we have insisted on doing our own thing, and my belief is that our current problems are caused by our foolishness and rebellion.

The purpose of this day is to thank God for the abundance and security with which we have been blessed. I hope everyone who reads this will join me in remembering who gave us families, homes, and all this glorious food.

Happy Thanksgiving.

AK Substitute?

I think I may have figured out what to do about my need to 1) get a nice home defense gun and 2) defy and offend Barack Obama and his stooges by buying an imported assault rifle. I am considering a VZ 58.

I wanted an AK-47. But liberal gun-grabbers and the whims of manufacturers have made really nice ones so expensive, it’s disgusting. A thousand dollars for a stamped receiver! Come on. I can do better with an AR15. I mean, MAYBE, if I were positive the prices would stay high. But I’m not. It’s conceivable that the artificial inflation will come to an end, and then these things will sell for $400, and my used one will be worth $250.

While I was looking for an AK, I learned about the VZ 58. It looks like an AK, but it’s totally unrelated. It’s a Czech design, based on a German gun. It’s lighter than an AK. The magazines hold 30 rounds. It’s supposed to be as reliable as an AK, with fewer misfeeds. It’s made better; they’re either made or imported by CZ USA, so there should be no quality issues. The receiver is milled. You can get one with a cute folding stock, which is exactly what I want. And they can be had for around $850, depending on what conformation you like.

The only bad things I’ve heard are that there are fewer accessories, and the barrels heat up faster than AK barrels. However, I’ve already chosen the accessories I want, and I am not sure why I should care about how hot the barrel gets. I can’t see myself shooting so fast, in a self-defense situation, that a hot barrel will become a problem. And if it warms up enough to affect accuracy, so what? The gun is for encounters on a small piece of property. I’m not planning to shoot people in the next county. An inch or two one way or the other would be meaningless. Left ventricle, right ventricle…I am not picky.

I’ve also heard that the folding stock is lame, because it wobbles enough to affect accuracy. Again, it won’t keep me from shooting Floyd the Crackhead Burglar in the face at twenty feet.

Man, will this steam gun-grabbers. Between this and the giant Desert Eagle in hard chrome, I will definitely give them ulcers. Imagine me, parading around the house with my creepy assault rifle, with 30 rounds in the clip and a bright green laser and flashlight lighting my way. FREEZE, GOPHER!

I should get a holster for the Desert Eagle, just to be more of a scary fascist.

It’s really sad that the Desert Eagle is so worthless for self-defense. The odds of a stovepipe are like one in ten, whenever you pull the trigger. And it weighs like five pounds. And getting that second shot on target is a job. And the ballistics are not good. My best self-defense pistol is the lamest, most boring gun I have, and of course, that means Glock.

The VZ 58 is not as offensive-looking as an AK, and of course, that is a problem. But you can’t have everything. The giant green laser will go a long way toward uglying it up.

I slept through the cheap AK years. I slept while Arsenal quit making milled receivers. I slept through the cheap M1 Garand and M1 carbine years. Maybe I can partially redeem myself by jumping on a VZ 58 before Barack and Michelle decide gun shops are only allowed to sell Super Soakers.

I KNEW It

I decided to log in to the Cook’s Illustrated site to get the lowdown on fresh turkeys, and wouldn’t you know, they turned out to be the worst turkeys available?

Here’s the scoop. Turkeys have to be dropped to 26 degrees after slaughter, even if they’re sold as fresh. At that temperature, the water in the meat freezes, but the meat does not. Supposedly. While your local ripoff upscale grocery tries to keep the bird cold without freezing it hard, it is likely to undergo a bunch of cycles in which ice crystals form inside it and thaw. They break up the meat so it doesn’t hold water when you cook it.

On top of that, fresh turkeys tend to be spoiled. They get more exercise than factory birds, so they’re in better physical condition, and that adds up to tough meat.

Great. I hate it when a turkey turns out to be a challenge. My practice is to buy the cheapest factory bird I can find, and my turkeys are always perfect. Now I have a mutant Greenpeace bird that may taste like a brick.

Yuppies are never right about ANYTHING.

If you can find it, you want a fatty turkey. That means you don’t want the breed most packers use. You want a breed called Heritage.

If you have a fresh turkey, get it into some brine NOW. SCHNELL! And don’t buy one next year, unless you think expensive + bad = good deal.

The turkeys they liked best were Walters Hatchery (Heritage turkey) and Rubashkin’s Aaron’s Best.

Next Year, Bring on the Hormones and Antibiotics

The cornbread is magnificent. I managed to avoid eating more than one slice, and I decided to give Marv and Maynard a piece of the action. Now I’m fixing pecan pies.

I like pecan pie, but there is something basically wrong with eating a pie which is mostly sugar. It’s just an odd thing to choose to do. These should be pretty good. I jacked up the butter, and I added JD. I used Kirkland pecans. So the blessing of Costco is upon my pies.

I am going to brine the turkey. I just don’t trust all-natural meat.

Oh boy. I’m worried. I just read an article suggesting my fears are justified. It says fresh turkeys can be bland and “heavy,” whatever that means. Dang it. I knew better than to take a hormone-free bird grown by filthy hippies at face value.

I may as well get to it.

Gluttony is in the Air

I am in the process of making four pones of delicious bacon-grease cornbread.

What are the odds that the entire load will survive long enough to be made into stuffing?

In a very ironic word, slim.

Give us Your Bass Boats and we Will Spare Your Planet

Cream candy. Have you heard of it?

One pleasant thing about having a relationship with my sister is that my dad is no longer the only person I know who is from Eastern Kentucky. My sister and I have memories of a place that might as well be Mars, for all the similarity it bears to most of homogenized America. We have made a couple of trips to north Dade [County], and both times, she requested a stop at Cracker Barrel. This is a chain restaurant that features Appalachian cooking. Years ago, on trips to Kentucky, the family used to stop at a Cracker Barrel in Sevierville, Tennessee (home of Dolly Parton). My cousin managed one for a time. Now they have them in Florida. On our last outing, my sister mentioned cream candy. If anyone outside of Eastern Kentucky makes this stuff, I am unaware of it.

It’s very hard to describe. It’s sort of like chalk, except that it’s made from sugar. It contains cream (butter, actually), or it’s supposed to, but a lot of people cheap out and use margarine. It crumbles and dissolves in your mouth, and it’s extremely sweet.

I wonder if I can find it on the web. Yep, here’s a recipe.

This stuff is extremely temperamental. I have never made it, but according to my sister, women in Kentucky claim you can only make it in dry, cold weather. And you have to mix it on a cold marble slab. Oddly, nobody up there that we knew realized you could cool the slab with ice; my sister saw my aunt or somebody sitting around waiting for the slab to cool between batches, and she came up with the idea of putting a bag of ice on it. When she makes it here in Miami, she turns her air conditioner down as low as it will go.

It’s not the greatest candy on earth. About two pieces will do me for a year. But until my sister mentioned it, I had not thought about it in forever.

As far as I know, the only other candy that comes from that area is the Bourbon ball. You make a white pasty confection flavored with Bourbon, and you cover it with chocolate. They’re not too good. For one thing, no one up there seems to know how to make a non-waxy filling for a chocolate. I am pretty sure I have eaten Bourbon balls made with Gulfwax paraffin. For another, chocolate and Bourbon don’t go together.

I’m sitting here thinking about it, and it occurs to me that cream candy would be a whole lot better if you could flavor it with Bourbon. Then Bourbon balls would no longer be necessary. As I recall–don’t hold me to this–“Gulfwax” was originally one word, and the little boxes had the Gulf Oil logo on them. I see someone is selling a product called “Gulf Wax” online, but I suspect they stole the name and put a space in it. Gulf Oil is gone. I’ll bet Gulfwax was a refining by-product. Mmm…put that on your food and enjoy.

Whoops…Gulf has a website. I guess the brand is still alive somewhere.

My grandmother used that paraffin a lot. She canned everything she could get her hands on, and she used to pour a layer of hot paraffin on top of her blackberry jelly to keep air from getting to it in the jars.

I miss the food we used to eat at Granny’s house. That is not news. I managed to make some okay-looking shucky beans last year, and I may cook them for dinner tomorrow. Some of the beans I dried got mildew on them; the weather here just isn’t right for drying things. I’m considering getting a dehydrator. I’m afraid it won’t be the same. The dried apples Granny used to make were brown and chewy, unlike the ones you see in stores, and there is no way you could get white, fluffy ones to taste the same in a hand pie. Another strategy: put a window screen in my dad’s SUV, spread the beans or apples on it, and leave it in the hot sun. They do that in Kentucky. It makes a car smell good.

I don’t want a machine that will cook the food while it’s drying. That would ruin it.

It would be fun to surprised my dad with a stack cake (they’re made with dried apples) at Christmas. He’d faint. I’m not a huge fan of these things, but he loves them, and he hasn’t had one since maybe 1998.

I have to get off my hind end and get started on the food. I have to make several pones of cornbread today, plus pecan pies. I may inject the turkey today. It’s some kind of silly organic fresh turkey my sister found. I’m worried that it will be dry because it’s not full of the right chemicals and hormones. Maybe I should brine it. Arggh.

Whatever happens tomorrow, the food will be fantastic. I hope all of you have a great holiday.

Five Hundred Bucks for a Calendar

The cell phone search is going poorly.

I ran over to Radio Shack, because it seemed like they had the best prices. The techno-toddlers over there told me that any AT&T Blackberry I buy will come with a $20 monthly charge. So $480, for grown-ups who know how to multiply by 24 months. Uh…NO. Let’s not do that.

They said what I really need is a Samsung Blackjack II. So now I am looking that up.

Or maybe the Epix.

Geez.

Choice Equals Pain

Technology is giving me ulcers again.

My old LG phone has not been right since I put it in the washing machine. I would like a new phone that has a decent camera, a comfortable texting keypad, and PDA features to help me keep track of things I’m supposed to do. I’d like to be able to plan things on my PC and then shoot the data into the phone so it can remind me to water plants, go to the dermatologist, pay bills, and so on.

That’s about it. I think playing music on phones is pathetic. I’m not all that interested in video. I can’t see myself watching TV shows or movies on a tiny screen I have to hold in my hand. I just want a small object that will place calls, take photos, and be responsible so I don’t have to.

Man, are the choices confusing. First of all, AT&T (the only network that functions on my block, so please don’t make my ulcers worse by suggesting other carriers) has a limited selection of phones here. I can buy other ones on Ebay, but I’m worried that AT&T will somehow find out I’m not using a phone they offer, and they’ll shut down my service and have me put in a concentration camp. Assuming the phones work, the options are so confusing, I have no idea what to buy.

I can get a Blackberry 8100 for a reasonable price, but it’s bulky. I can get a Sony W760a, but it seems heavy on music and other BS I don’t want. I can get an LG Vu, but I worry about texting on a touch screen. And there are tons of other phones I haven’t even looked at. And every “top ten” list has ten different phones on it.

The Iphone can be had for a fairly low price, but I think I may have to pay extra for service. And it’s Apple, so if I buy it, I’ll start craving organic food and boys.

I can feel my hair falling out. I may give up and buy a Bic pen and a pad.

No Shame

Moxie done met herself some conservatives in L.A.!

You have to read this.

Cheese and Peppermint Bark?

Sadly, Costco was amply stocked with delicious Costco shredded mozzarella today, so I had to bring some home. I already had some inadequate Publix cheese, which didn’t have enough fat. I am thinking I’ll combine them. The Costco cheese is way richer than a part-skim cheese has any right to be, so the Publix cheese should balance it well.

I could not resist an impulse buy: a gallon can of Italian tomatoes. I have low expectations, but at least my curiosity will be satisfied.

Okay, I had a second impulse buy. A two-pound tub of peppermint bark. I made it past the ones by the baked goods, but they had a second wave by the produce, and that was all it took to break me.

It’s not bad at all.

I got my father to go, for the first time. He was impressed by the meat, the wine, and the inexpensive vats of Jack Daniel’s.

Election of Nut Stimulates Gun Boom

I’ve been planning to get myself an M1 carbine, because I think it would be a fun and interesting home-defense weapon. But now I’m wondering if I should buy something foreign instead.

I don’t know much about executive orders, but people who do are voicing concern that Obama will use executive orders to remove many types of ammunition and guns from commerce. Instantly. In January. They are especially worried about cheap foreign ammunition and military-style weapons.

Obama hates guns, and he wants to take them away from us. He weasels about it, and he even lies about it. Nonetheless, it’s true. His history proves it. He’s a big-city sissy, he has probably never fired a gun in his life, and he thinks guns are evil, in and of themselves. One particularly scary thing about his weasel language is that he loves using the word “sportsmen.” This is liberal gun-grabber code for “I have no respect for the rights of people who buy guns for self-defense.” It’s his way of telling us he’ll go after self-defense weapons first. Your AK. Your AR15. Your 1911. Then he’ll let us cool down, and THEN he’ll come for our hunting weapons. Our shotguns and deer rifles.

The gun-haters among us don’t like sporting guns much. But they truly, TRULY hate self-defense guns. And there are a lot of Americans who will stand up for hunters, yet who will abandon people who own guns strictly for self-defense. This is what the Obama regime is counting on. Politically, it’s much easier to take away a Bushmaster than a squirrel gun. So Obama says he sympathizes with “sportsmen.” And Americans who aren’t bright or attentive assume he is referring to all gun owners. It’s a sleazy tactic. It’s obvious to smart people. But most Americans are not geniuses; they can’t see it.

I don’t know how brave he’ll be in January. Maybe he’s not crazy enough to fulfill expectations. But he probably is. The Clintons were. And George Bush’s dad dealt us a crippling blow, even though he was supposedly a Republican.

If Obama does what he really wants to do, AK-based guns are going to get very hard to find. They’re already harder to find than they used to be. We used to have lots of good, inexpensive rifles to choose from. Then the government choked off the supply. Now a nice AK with a milled receiver costs a thousand dollars. We’re not talking about a gorgeous, tightly assembled technological marvel. We’re talking about the world’s favorite peasant rifle. Something that should cost five hundred bucks, tops. Next year, the price may shoot up to two thousand, and after that, we would be limited to buying used.

So I’m wondering if I should get an AK and let the M1 wait. I don’t have any AKs. A folding job would be very handy around the house, under certain circumstances.

The AK market is incredibly confusing, for a person like me. I don’t know much about guns. I’m fairly sure I want a rifle with a milled receiver. People say they’re more accurate and more pleasant to shoot, and that they last longer. There aren’t many alternatives at a reasonable price. In fact, I only know of one. The Golani, which is a Galil assembled from parts. It’s supposed to be a great gun, but there are problems. First of all, there are a lot of complaints about the receivers deforming. These parts are American-made, and many people say they don’t compare to the originals. Second, people claim the parts used to make these guns are used, and that they come from places like Guatemala. That sounds bad. Finally, the cheap ones are assembled by Century Arms, and there are disturbing photos on the web showing mashed parts and bad ejectors built up with welded material. You can build one yourself, but you’re still stuck with the US receiver, unless you shell out for an IMI. And I believe you need a bunch of exotic tools, like a hydraulic press.

The Bulgarians still make a few nice guns. They make an AK with a folding stock. There is a pre-ban version, and there’s a post-ban version. The difference? No idea. The manufacturer’s site doesn’t make it clear. You’ll pay a minimum of a thousand dollars.

You can get a VEPR from Robinson Arms. This may be the best option. They’re supposed to be superb. If arms laws loosen up (conceivable), the foreign weapons will drop in value, but the VEPR probably won’t, since it’s a limited-run custom piece. But they only sell big long jobs you wouldn’t want to use against a burglar. Can they be modified to be more handy? Search me.

I’d like to have something that holds 30 rounds, can be shot accurately with the stock folded, and goes “bang” every time. It has to hit man-sized targets easily at distances under a hundred feet, without the sights. It can’t recoil so much it’s hard to keep on target. I think the M1 carbine may fill the bill, and I’m pretty sure the AK does, too. Arsenal makes something called an SAS-M7 that looks really good.

I wonder if the Obama policy stooges realize they are stimulating people to build “home arsenals.” Were it not for the artificial inflation and shortages caused by our stupid, heavy-handed gun laws, I would have little motivation to stock up on things. If I get an AK, I’ll want a thousand rounds of ammunition, minimum, from the word “go.” It’s cheap now; it may be expensive next year. I’d be a fool to wait. If the laws were reasonably, I wouldn’t be interested in the gun OR the ammunition right now.

If I do the shopping I need to do over the coming month, I’ll probably end up with 3,000 or more rounds of ammunition lying around, in various calibers. I don’t want that. I would much rather keep smaller quantities. But I have to face reality. Small amounts of ammunition are costly, and ammunition prices and availability can’t be trusted right now, so the smart move is to buy big.

I know the gun-haters don’t realize this is how “home arsenals” develop. They think they’re spawned by a kook mentality; by a desire to be ready to hold off the police for hours. That’s only true of a tiny percentage of gun owners. I can’t imagine a plausible self-defense scenario that would require me to have more than 50 rounds on hand. If gun laws made sense, gun owners would buy less stuff. Right now, gun vendors are paying off their mortgages and retiring, thanks to the great genius, Obama.

Advice from gun nuts appreciated.

Avoid This Country

Here is the piece I wrote yesterday morning.

Rachel Lucas says she’s moving to England, even though there is no Mexican food there.

To quote one of America’s great thinkers, “That’s insane. You’re stupid.”

I have never been to England, unless sitting on a runway counts, but I hear they have excellent food there. Of course, I am referring to food cooked by foreigners. And for once, by “foreigners,” I am not referring to the English themselves.

I know it’s confusing.

The regular English food sounds suitable for coercing confessions out of terrorists. Even worse than the comfy chair, plus the stuffed cushions.

By the way, they’ve been using the comfy chair at Gitmo for quite some time. I’m so glad they’re shutting that hellhole down. Here’s a transcript of a torture video. I know it’s real, because I found it on Dan Rather’s Myspace page:

Blackwater Dude: [poke, poke, poke] Out with it, Achmed. Who is the leader of Al Qaeda in Basra?

Achmed: Son of a Zionist goat. May the prophet–peace be upon him–micturate on your favorite Koran.

Second Blackwater Dude: Have you got all the stuffing up one end?

Achmed’s Wife: Have you got anything without spam in it?

Achmed: It’s not halal.

Dick Cheney and Scooter Libby: SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM…[Cheney shoots Blackwater Dude in the face]

Cheney: Sorry!

Blackwater Dude: ‘Tis but a scratch.

Waitress: BLOODY REPUBLICANS!

I’ve seen TV shows about the British navy, in which the food and drink are criticized as inhumane. The thing the shows’ writers never seem to realize is that the food back on shore wasn’t noticeably different. And as a bonus, British sailors were drunk all day, every day. Look it up. The navy gave them free beer and rum. They were too blown away to know what they were doing.

I realize you could say the same thing about Britons in general, but the ones on land had a choice.

Historians say Britons had to be forced into the navy, but I very much doubt it. If they offered recruits free beer today, they would have to use water cannons to repel the waves of shrieking, hysterical applicants.

I used to watch Horatio Hornblower DVDs and marvel at the bravery of the sailors. Cannonballs would come flying into their ships, ripping off arms and legs, and the sailors stayed at their posts, shooting back and calling the French fairies. But bravery had nothing to do with it. They were plastered. Get me drunk enough, and I’ll fight the French, too. Well, okay, I see how ridiculous that looks. Replace “French” with a nationality that fights back.

In the old days, sailors had to store their water in barrels. A few days after the barrels were filled, algae and bacteria turned the water into slime. Even the British won’t drink that. The brilliant solution to this problem was to fill the barrels with beer instead. It lasted much longer. So if you were a sailor, and you were thirsty from climbing up and down the rigging and flirting with other sailors, your only option was a large serving of beer. Imagine how far gone you would be at the end of a busy day. A stint in the navy would be like climbing into a portal and experiencing the Seventies as Dennis Hopper. Or like going to a typical American college.

I don’t understand why the British would avoid Mexican food. It’s not like eating Mexican food requires especially healthy teeth.

If I were Rachel, I just flat wouldn’t go. Not until I located some Mexican joints or confirmed that I could fix my own, using ingredients from English grocery stores. And I’d be scouting out places that serve Indian food. It’s not an ideal substitute, but it comes closer than toad in the hole.