Taco Hell
November 24th, 2008Avoid This Country
Here is the piece I wrote yesterday morning.
Rachel Lucas says she’s moving to England, even though there is no Mexican food there.
To quote one of America’s great thinkers, “That’s insane. You’re stupid.”
I have never been to England, unless sitting on a runway counts, but I hear they have excellent food there. Of course, I am referring to food cooked by foreigners. And for once, by “foreigners,” I am not referring to the English themselves.
I know it’s confusing.
The regular English food sounds suitable for coercing confessions out of terrorists. Even worse than the comfy chair, plus the stuffed cushions.
By the way, they’ve been using the comfy chair at Gitmo for quite some time. I’m so glad they’re shutting that hellhole down. Here’s a transcript of a torture video. I know it’s real, because I found it on Dan Rather’s Myspace page:
Blackwater Dude: [poke, poke, poke] Out with it, Achmed. Who is the leader of Al Qaeda in Basra?
Achmed: Son of a Zionist goat. May the prophet–peace be upon him–micturate on your favorite Koran.
Second Blackwater Dude: Have you got all the stuffing up one end?
Achmed’s Wife: Have you got anything without spam in it?
Achmed: It’s not halal.
Dick Cheney and Scooter Libby: SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM…[Cheney shoots Blackwater Dude in the face]
Cheney: Sorry!
Blackwater Dude: ‘Tis but a scratch.
Waitress: BLOODY REPUBLICANS!
I’ve seen TV shows about the British navy, in which the food and drink are criticized as inhumane. The thing the shows’ writers never seem to realize is that the food back on shore wasn’t noticeably different. And as a bonus, British sailors were drunk all day, every day. Look it up. The navy gave them free beer and rum. They were too blown away to know what they were doing.
I realize you could say the same thing about Britons in general, but the ones on land had a choice.
Historians say Britons had to be forced into the navy, but I very much doubt it. If they offered recruits free beer today, they would have to use water cannons to repel the waves of shrieking, hysterical applicants.
I used to watch Horatio Hornblower DVDs and marvel at the bravery of the sailors. Cannonballs would come flying into their ships, ripping off arms and legs, and the sailors stayed at their posts, shooting back and calling the French fairies. But bravery had nothing to do with it. They were plastered. Get me drunk enough, and I’ll fight the French, too. Well, okay, I see how ridiculous that looks. Replace “French” with a nationality that fights back.
In the old days, sailors had to store their water in barrels. A few days after the barrels were filled, algae and bacteria turned the water into slime. Even the British won’t drink that. The brilliant solution to this problem was to fill the barrels with beer instead. It lasted much longer. So if you were a sailor, and you were thirsty from climbing up and down the rigging and flirting with other sailors, your only option was a large serving of beer. Imagine how far gone you would be at the end of a busy day. A stint in the navy would be like climbing into a portal and experiencing the Seventies as Dennis Hopper. Or like going to a typical American college.
I don’t understand why the British would avoid Mexican food. It’s not like eating Mexican food requires especially healthy teeth.
If I were Rachel, I just flat wouldn’t go. Not until I located some Mexican joints or confirmed that I could fix my own, using ingredients from English grocery stores. And I’d be scouting out places that serve Indian food. It’s not an ideal substitute, but it comes closer than toad in the hole.
November 24th, 2008 at 8:16 AM
Now that I’ve been to London I understand why the English take their foreign holidays so very seriously.
November 24th, 2008 at 8:52 AM
Grrrr.
We do have Mexican food. You can find Mexican restaurants but, to be honest, you are better off making your own. It’s not like Mexican cooking is difficult is it? Even I manage it.
It is patently obvious that you have never set foot on English soil. You cannot walk ten yards within any town or city the length of this sceptred isle without passing an Indian restaurant. And comparing the US Indian restaurants to the UK ones is like apples and oranges. Indian food is edible here.
I’ll give it a touché on the sailors. That said, if you’re going to have to drink ale all day, better our creations than the new world concoctions.
Grrr.
You just knew I would bite didn’t you?
November 24th, 2008 at 8:54 AM
“Bite”? You’re setting me up.
Most Indian food in the US is seriously lame. Tragic.
November 24th, 2008 at 9:29 AM
[…] The Hog has odd opinions about food. I don’t understand why the British would avoid Mexican food. It’s not like eating Mexican food requires especially healthy teeth. […]
November 24th, 2008 at 9:52 AM
I’ve actually been to England and can vouch for the Indian restaurants. Also they have plenty of Chinese and Middle Eastern places. And even though I never went to any, being Mexican fooded out at that time, I looked it up in Google and yes they do have some Mexican restaurants. It’s not the Eighties anymore — England has entered the 21st century, they have real food now.
What makes me laugh over at Rachel’s is all the people groaning about the lack of Taco Bells in England. Taco Bell is not Mexican food. It’s not even edible. The last time I ate at a Taco Smell I spent the rest of the week gulping Immodium and running to the toilet.
As for English cuisine itself, it’s the same fried or boiled gunk that we call “American” food, or at least that we called American food back in the days of my childhood (the Seventies). Some of the stuff has different names, and they have more custard desserts (which are to die for, by the way), but it’s not that different from the stuff you ate at home (minus the grilled stuff — as far as I can recall the British don’t grill anything; they roast, fry, or boil).I’d avoid it, though. Like us, the British don’t have the lifestyle to carry off such a heavy diet anymore. You need to watch this show on BBC America, if you have this channel, called “You Are What You Eat.” This skinny British vegetarian goes to the homes of British fatties and gets them to change their diet from heaps of fried cholesterol to things like wheat grass and chickpeas. It’s pretty horrifying, the lengths you’ll have to go to to change after a lifetime of British cuisine.
November 24th, 2008 at 10:35 AM
Sailors got watered-down drinks, so it’s not as if they were drinking full-strength beer.
Also, captcha *and* moderation?
November 24th, 2008 at 10:39 AM
[…] Steve is getting into the act. Well, he is a man — I guess it’s not manly to Google. That’ll be the new […]
November 24th, 2008 at 10:42 AM
“Seamen were allowed a gallon of beer a day, but this was not quite the recipe for a ‘groggy’ crew that might be expected. The beer was generally weak, around 2–3 percent alcohol by volume, whereas modern British beers are 4 percent and higher, while European and American lagers are often about 5 percent alcohol. Also, the gallon measure was not the modern British gallon, but a ‘wine measure’ gallon (equivalent to a modern American gallon), which is roughly five-sixths of a British gallon.”
http://www.adkinshistory.com/newsletter2.aspx
I wouldn’t trust any of this stuff. In two minutes of Googling, I found four different figures for the date of the ending of the beer ration, and they were up to a century and a half apart.
November 24th, 2008 at 12:05 PM
Historians say Britons had to be forced into the navy, but I very much doubt it. If they offered recruits free beer today, they would have to use water cannons to repel the waves of shrieking, hysterical applicants.
Best line in weeks.
November 24th, 2008 at 12:11 PM
I remember the talk when an old merger of British Airways and Air France was being pushed. They said it would result in British service with French cooking, but most people with a lick of sense understood it would actually result in French service with British cooking.
November 24th, 2008 at 12:22 PM
Humor score: 87%
Level of meannes? maybe 15%.
level of cleanness – 95%
all in all a good reemergence of humor.
November 24th, 2008 at 12:49 PM
Never mind that. What do you think fueled Western civilization before tea and coffee drinking became fashionable (and available)? Wine and beer. People started early in the morning with their breakfast ale and went on from there. It may have been weaker stuff than we are used to today, but on the other hand they drank it all day. It was better than the water.
This isn’t from the internet, by the way, but from research I did years ago for a paper for one of my English Comp classes. I don’t think people sat around half-potted all the time, though; they were just used to a certain amount of fermented liquid in their system. But so many historical events can be explained by those mead-quaffing benders…
November 24th, 2008 at 1:40 PM
Bangers and mash and Shepherd’s pie are actually pretty good. Head down to your local English pub there in Miami and give ’em a try.
November 24th, 2008 at 5:53 PM
I haven’t read Rachel for a while but the idea of moving to gun-hating Londonistan to me isn’t appealing to me in the least.
November 24th, 2008 at 6:40 PM
I’ll second Jorge’s Pub-fare comment.
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Chain restaurants in the UK (read Motorway Services Restuarants) are generally horrible. The local Pubs do much better (especially on the Puddings;the breaded kind…).
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I could send you a Treacle Sponge Pudding Recipe…(waiting for the jokes to start).
November 24th, 2008 at 10:38 PM
It’s interesting to not that some of our forefathers landed at Jamestown not because it was a marvelous place to establish a colony but because they ran out of beer. Needed to get ashore and brew more you know.
The Brits had the institution of the rum ration as well. Sailors fighting drunk out of their minds….not hardly.
Herbert McBride ..”A RIFLEMAN WENT TO WAR” went to WWI with the Canadian Army because the US didn’t get into the fray soon enough to suit his schedule. McBride was a big fan of the daily rum ration among the British and Colonial troops and lamented the fact that the AEF didn’t adopt the practice because of the homeland prohibitionist. Said it was good for moral, relieved stress, and administered in a dosage that was not nearly enough to cause drunkeness.
Mexican food in England. They got the Indians. You want great Indian food, find it in England. We got the Mexicans.
Want good Mex food, you’ ll find it in the US or South.
You’ll get good Mexican food in the UK when they start getting Mexicans.
November 26th, 2008 at 8:07 PM
km … french service and british cooking — sounds a lot like the american version… southern efficiency and northern charm