Not on North River Drive

I had a wonderful adventure today. I wandered up by the Miami River and got me some metal for a bandsaw base. On a reader’s recommendation, I went to a place on 20th street. Man, do they have a lot of metal up there. Seems like every business in the neighborhood sells metal and/or buys scrap. There are giant piles of rusty ferrous stuff and aluminum all over the place. It’s not far from the general area where one would look for machine tools, so I may go back next week.

I got myself some angle iron. Shouldn’t they call it “angle steel”? Anyway, I got some. I got 64″ plus 40″ of 2″ by 1/8″, and I got 13″ of 2″ by 3/16″. I think. Total cost? Under $26.00. Home Depot cost? I don’t know. But let’s put it this way: MORE. If they had what I wanted. And they would not.

I’m planning to miter-cut this stuff and make a box about 32″ by 19″, and then I’m going to use the heavier piece to make four tabs which will serve as attachment for casters. I’m a little nervous, because I’m wondering if I have this right. If I miter the cuts, I’ll be doing a butt weld on each corner. I hope that will be strong enough. Maybe I could weld a piece of scrap across each butt weld on the bottom.

I’m also wondering if 1/8″ will be rigid enough. I figured it would be, because the steel on my mobile saw base is very thin, and it’s not even angled, and it works.

We’ll find out, I guess.

It didn’t occur to me until I had bought the metal that mitering might be a problem. I can put it in the dry-cut saw at an angle, no problem. But to get a 45-degree miter, I have to set it on its base, with one wall sticking up perpendicular to the saw blade. This is a no-no for dry-cut saws. You’re supposed to lay the angle iron down so the V-shape is upside-down. This makes it more stable as the saw cuts.

I suppose a jig is the answer. HA. More fun for me.

I almost don’t care if it works. If the metal is too flimsy or whatever, it will give me an excuse to get welding practice, and I didn’t pay much for the material.

More

Working with tools is full of surprises.

I was trying to figure out how to cut a 45-degree miter in angle iron, without situating the iron improperly in my dry cut saw. It turns out there is no reason to try. The correct way to weld a 90-degree turn in angle iron is to cope it.

I don’t have a picture, but it’s easy to describe. Hold two pieces of angle iron at 90 degrees, in the position they would be in if you made a joint. You can’t do it, because the bottom parts collide, and even if they didn’t, the end of the vertical part on one would butt up against the side of the vertical part of the other. So you remove the parts that get in the way; take out the redundant metal. Remove a square piece from the horizontal part of one piece, equal in width to the total width of the angle iron. Then trim the vertical part of the piece you took the square out of, so it will fit inside the angle of the other pieces. You only cut one of the pieces of angle iron. Weld and pray.

Oh, forget it. Here’s a Youtube:

I Must Own All Tools

Is this a beautiful day, or what? It’s too cold to sweat, it’s too dry for the mildew to grow, and the sun is out.

I appreciate the information people have sent me on milling machines.

It’s funny how my “needs” have changed. First, I thought I needed a drill press. Then I learned that a mill would do 98% of what a drill press would do, plus a whole lot more. And I learned what a good drill press costs; if you don’t spend at least $600, you are not buying a lifetime machine that will do metal and wood well. And $1000 is more realistic. That’s a lot, just for holes and sanding.

So I started looking at mills. I was pretty excited about small “mill drills.” Then I learned that they cost roughly the same amount of money as huge mills that will do almost anything, because there are lots of used industrial milling machines out there. And I’d be willing to bet that a 40-year-old industrial mill will outlast a brand new Chaiwanese mill/drill, and I know it has a better resale value.

I thought a Millrite would be a good choice, because it’s big enough to do a lot, but you can fit it in a garage fairly easily. But then I learned that they don’t cost much less than Bridgeport Series I mills, which are better and probably easier to get parts for.

It looks like there is a price envelope, including shipping and taxes, of $1500-$2500, no matter what I buy. You can spend more, but this seems to be what you should pay for a good used machine, if you’re willing to fix it up a little.

One big problem: I am incompetent to evaluate a used milling machine. Jdunmyer sent a link to a helpful site, but even if I applied the information, I would probably make mistakes. Also, a lot of the deals out there are beyond my normal driving range, so I can’t really get to them to look them over.

I keep reading about backlash. I’m not totally positive what this is, except that it introduces error into table movements. It sounds like you crank the table to a certain position, and then it backs up on its own. It’s supposed to be a problem on old machines. Can you correct it? I do not know. Can you work around it? I do not know.

Maybe the best thing is to get a cheesy drill press and use it until I get a deal in which I can have confidence.

Here’s an interesting buy. Someone in the Tampa area has a Bridgeport mill which can be had for $1250, meaning it can be in my garage for maybe $1700. The ad has expired, but I have a feeling they would relist it. It’s 3-phase, which is good, but it has a 3-phase feed motor, too, which means I’d have to replace it and use 2 cords, or I would have to find a way to run both motors from a VFD, or I would need a VFD plus a converter for the feed motor. I guess that would be a problem with any 3-phase mill that has a second motor. Do I even want a feed motor? Can you use a mill as a drill press when it has a feed motor?

There is a local dealer with a Millrite, but they want $1950, which seems very high. A lot of people pay two grand for these machines, but many people pay half of that, and the economy is not good, and it’s not going to get better for a very long time, if ever. Prices on used industrial equipment should be plummeting, unless the Chicoms and Indians are buying it for export. I very much doubt that they have any interest in it. They make their own equipment much cheaper.

A guy in Texas has one for a grand, but when you add the other expenses, it’s $1700, and it appears to be pretty old, and I can’t inspect it.

The nice thing about a mill is that it should be the last really big tool I’ll ever need. I could always add a lathe eventually, but I should be able to get by without it very well.

I think I’m finally in a position to make a few things, or at least I will be when my bandsaw table pin arrives. I have been occupied with other stuff this week. I may run over to Shell Lumber and see what they charge for hardwood boards. I really need some metal for a bandsaw base. I think I’ll just make a frame with 2″ angle iron (not perforated) and then cut small pieces of angle iron for tabs through which I can run the bolts for casters. I assume angle iron this big would be sturdy enough. Each tab would have to support about 110 pounds, even with work on the table.

I don’t understand how the stabilizing doodads on my table saw’s HTC3000 mobile base work. They are supposed to rotate little feet down onto the concrete to stabilize the saw, but when I screw the feet up as high as they will go, they are still so low they would raise the saw quite a bit if they were lowered. And that means there is tremendous resistance when I try to use them, so it appears to be impossible to make them work. The plastic levers that operate them would snap. I don’t really need them. The saw’s four other feet have brakes. But I wish they worked.

A guy with a welder and some cutting tools (i.e. me) can make a nice mobile base with locking feet. A guy with a welder and some cutting tools and a mill can make little cammed things that lower the saw and stabilize it. Unfortunately, that guy is not me.

Not sure how I’m supposed to get the saw off the ground to lower it onto the base. I think my hoist will do it, but there is always a possibility that 367 pounds will pull the garage roof down. Probably not. The saw has a weird eye in the top of it. Is that for lifting? I don’t know what else it could be for.

My Incra V27 miter gauges arrived. My bandsaw had no gauge when I bought it, and the table saw had two really bad ones. These look good. They’re supposed to be very precise, and you can adjust the slop with a hex wrench. I can save the old ones for permanent jigs or something. The one on my portable saw is okay, but I don’t believe in moving accessories from one tool to another when it’s avoidable.

Lots of stuff to think about today. Lots to do. But it sure beats thinking about how I can’t do anything because all of my tools are Chinese junk in a little Rubbermaid toolbox.

Also, I have a great idea for a new book.

More Mill Thoughts

I keep staring at the garage, while a little voice in the back of my head whispers “Bridgeport…Bridgeport…Bridgeport.”

Fortunately, I came up with a good answer. The tooling and accessories for these things are probably insanely expensive. Yes…yes…they have to be. They’re BIG. Don’t contradict me. Besides, a Bridgeport takes up like 6.5 by 5 feet, whereas a Millrite is more like 4 by 5.

It seems like all good milling machines cost between $1000 and $2000 dollars, so it’s irritating to think that I’ll end up with a small one.

Pray for Relief

I just found out that an old friend of the family has died from a heart attack. Ordinarily I would not mention something like this here, but she and her husband and his kids have had so much pain, I would like to ask you to pray for them. Nothing goes right for them.

Her husband’s first wife lost her mind and eventually died, after driving her car into part of an underpass. He remarried, and a son was born. In 1995, at the age of nine, the son was murdered by a sex offender. Now this happens. In all likelihood, it was due in large part to the lingering stress caused by her son’s death.

Please say a prayer for her husband and his son and daughter. Thanks for your consideration.

Googling Pays

I think I have finally found the answer to the drill press/milling machine conundrum: the Powermatic (Burke) Millrite. This is a full-blown milling machine that is small enough to put in a garage, yet big enough to be hard to outgrow. If you have more room than you need for a drill press, but not enough for a Bridgeport, this is your machine. And another bonus: because these machines were not generally used for production work, they tend to have relatively few hours on them.

The mill/drills I was looking at have a lot to recommend them, but as good as they are, they are Chiwanese hobby machines, and they are limited. And they cost as much or more than a used Millrite. And they will not hold their value the way a used American mill will. Millrites have a relatively short quill travel, which is bad, but I guess you can’t have everything.

As luck would have it, a Millrite is available here in Miami. But they are not selling it cheap. It would cost as much as a new mill/drill. I’ve read about people buying them for $400, but I don’t know what the going rate is. Ebay indicates about two grand.

I got a quote on the machine. Now I have to sit here and talk myself out of going to look at it. As if I would know what to look for when checking out an old mill.

You Know the Drill

I resent people saying I have a tool addiction. I can stop any time I want. But first I have to find out which expensive tools I need in order to do that.

I continued Googling milling machines last night. I blame reader Jdunmyer. He posted a comment linking to some photos of beautiful machinery a guy made on a Harbor Freight combination machine. Here’s the link. Look, and weep.

A combination machine performs functions that would ordinarily require several machines. People buy them to save money, and because they take up less room. These machines are often criticized because they don’t do everything well. But this guy’s work seems to demonstrate that the man running the machine is a bigger factor.

Anyway, I looked at that stuff and got all excited. He made little engines, mainly. I can’t really see myself making those. But the quality of his work and the relative cheapness of the machine he used made me realize you can do a lot with small machinery that doesn’t break the bank. You can do more than enough to make the expense and effort worth it.

I don’t think I’d buy one of these things. The man who made those little machines says the milling part is very, very cramped. That’s bad. But you can get other machines that save space and money, without losing so much functionality.

One type of machine that interests me is the mill/drill. This is a milling machine that also functions as a drill press. They make them big enough to do respectable milling jobs, and they’re excellent drills with deep strokes and a wide range of speeds. Some people buy them and use them for both metalworking and woodworking. Obviously, that appeals to me. A good drill press–good enough so I’ll never have to replace it–will run me at least nine hundred dollars. A mill/drill that will do nearly everything the drill press will, plus much more, will cost twice that much. And it will take up roughly the same amount of space as the drill press.

The obvious difference is that the mill has a short column, so there is a limit to the distance you can put between the work and the spindle. I think. Maybe you can spin the head around and drill on the other side, with only the floor below the spindle. I don’t know. If you did that, you’d have to come up with some kind of rigid substitute for a drill press table.

Another concern: to do woodworking on a drill press, you need a suitable table. How do you manage that on a milling machine? And if you do manage to attach it, how do you swivel it and rotate it in the small space between the drill spindle and the bed?

Still, neat idea. I have read that you can do a fair amount of metal turning on these things, so presumably, a mill/drill would–to some degree–be a full-blown combination machine.

Here’s a link to a guy who uses a mill/drill primarily for woodworking. Looks like he has no real problems. He has a pretty expensive machine; it doesn’t have a round column. Machines with round columns are cheaper. Grizzly makes a similar machine (G519) for about half of that price. Whoops…the Grizzly is 3-phase. And it looks like they came out with a single-phase version. People are 3-phase is better, because you can put a $200 VFD on it, and it has a tapping function, which somehow relies on the ability to reverse the motor. Refresh my memory…will a VFD reduce the power of the machine?

Anyway, it’s all very interesting. And I am not addicted to tools.

I hope my miter gauges arrive today.

Wabeco?

I am sitting here listening to CLE and resisting the urge to suck on a pistol with my head in the oven and chewing cyanide. Hopefully I will have the strength to get this done today.

While I listen, I can’t keep myself from Googling machine tools.

People keep telling me small machines are stupid, and I suppose that is true, for a person who has space. Space will eventually be a problem for me. A real milling machine takes up something like 4′ by 6′ of floor space, and you have to pay someone to bring it to you, because it will weigh a ton or so. And a mill isn’t a lathe. So even after you stuff your garage with a mill, you have to look for a lathe which takes up nearly as much room.

Cost is another issue. I keep reading about “cheap” used full-size machines, but it appears that “cheap” means two grand for a mill and fifteen hundred for a lathe. Before tooling. Ouch.

I have also read that combination machines are bad news, because they don’t do anything well.

Nonetheless, my interest has been captured by a small combination machine. Some guy is selling a Wabeco 7.5″ by 16″ lathe with a milling attachment. Wabeco is supposed to be just about the best small machine tool manufacturer in the universe. They’re Germans, so they’re insane about quality. Supposedly their machines are more precise than the ones made by Sherline and Taig, and they’re somewhat bigger and more versatile. And you can put one on a card table.

Okay, a really sturdy card table. Made by Germans. Or, of course, a Workmate. The universal machining platform for all purposes.

This thing retails for…wow…about seven grand. Dude wants fifteen hundred. Hard to see myself losing money on that buy, unless he has replaced the inner workings with oatmeal.

Might be fun. I don’t see myself living in Miami forever; sooner or later I’ll have a workshop where I can park a mill, a lathe, and an Abrams tank if I want. But while I’m here, maybe I could learn a little machining on an item like this, without ruining the garage.

More

The more I think about it, the more I think this is a good idea. I’ve read that many people like to have small machine tools in addition to their big ones, for little jobs. So presumably, if I outgrow this, it will still be a good thing to have around.

Get These Precious Materials Back to the Courthouse…for the Children!

I have been listening to CLE (continuing legal education) CDs my dad checked out from the courthouse library. Here is what I have learned. Apparently, there is a law called the Unified Premarital Agreement Act. I think they also said something about child support, but I’m not sure. Wow, how much I have learned from this fine material which the bar has forced me to obtain. I really do play the CDs, and I exaggerate when I talk about how little I’ve learned, but most of this stuff is pretty dull, and there is no possibility that I will ever use it in practice, and it’s not very easy to focus on. Why on earth am I listening to material on family law? Why would I practice family law, when there are so many fine bridges I could jump off instead?

This stuff has to go back tomorrow. I was worried about it. I realized this meant I had to listen to two CDs per day for the remainder of the time period. Yech. Then this morning I remembered…I can rip CDs.

So I am now turning these materials into MP3s which I can enjoy listening to over and over. Oh, rapture. I can return them to the courthouse at my convenience, and when I’m done, I can delete the files.

I heartily advise all attorneys who read this blog to check their local law libraries for materials that can be checked out. I’m saving like $600 by not buying the garbage the approved CLE providers sell. Why pay to participate in a farce?

I have to wonder. Why don’t CLE providers sell books instead of useless CDs? If I had a book, I could read it and absorb at least some of it, and I would have the book to refer to later, if–crazy as it sounds–I found it useful. Also, I read much faster than most people, so I could get my CLE done faster.

I am sure the do-bees and hypocrites would send me emails full of pretend outrage, if they knew I was criticizing our near-holy obligation to do CLE. It’s amazing how righteous lawyers get, when they have an opportunity to grandstand. If you’ve never seen it, you really need to. We make Torquemada look like Larry Flynt. “The sacred halls of justice.” “I am enraged and disgusted as an officer of the court.” “Duty.” “Honor.” “Apple pie.” “Hopey-changiness.” “For the children.”

Funny talk, from people who only practice law because it pays well. Tell these guys they have to work for thirty grand a year from now on, and then see how many of them are excited about law and the sanctity of our professional obligations.

The truth is, I think CLE is wonderful. I mean REAL CLE, though, not this junk. I mean the research lawyers do when they prepare cases, and I also refer to things like printed treatises, which are invaluable. But listening to some self-promoting doofus tell bad lawyer jokes while getting credit for his own CLE? No thanks.

Buy Gold, Seeds, and Ammunition

Today Barack Obama becomes the President. I don’t have a whole lot to say about it.

1. As convinced as I am that this man will be incompetent, weak, unprincipled, hostile to Israel and Christianity, and extremely corrosive to capitalism and our prosperity, I can’t help feeling some excitement over the inauguration of a black President. I just wish it were someone else.

2. I am afraid his wife will continue to embarrass us, or worse, that we will come to accept her unpatriotic, divisive antics and decide that first ladies don’t have to be classy.

3. He has floundered badly in choosing subordinates, demonstrating that he was not prepared to win the Presidency. For all his talk about change, he made desperation picks, reaching for the worn-out journeymen of an earlier regime. I expect him to continue to fail in his efforts to staff his administration. Look for future screwups and near-scandals.

4. I think the US is completely finished as the world’s leading power and economy. George Bush ended his Presidency by forcing socialism on us through the back door, with incredibly shortsighted and malignant government bailouts. I expected to criticize Obama for his mindless, regressive leftism, but incredibly, George Bush has already done more evil than I anticipated from Obama. Nonetheless, I think Obama will continue in the same vein, and that it won’t be long until we’re about as prosperous as the French. I think we are being taken down because of our rebellion and idolatry, and that the bad things that are happening to us have more to do with God than with the bad judgment of George Bush and Barack Obama.

5. I believe God permitted us to choose this arrogant weakling in order to show us what happens when we rely on our own tiny intellects instead of his guidance. Americans have the ridiculous idea that we are superior to other people, and that this is the reason we have done so well. In fact, we have done well because God has protected and guided us. That protection is probably greatly weakened now, and I expect us to be swallowed economically by the Chinese and the Indians. They work harder than we do, they are just as smart (IQ tests suggest the Chinese are actually much smarter), they work for nothing, and unlike us, they don’t feel entitled to wealth. They know they have to earn it. And both countries have internal markets and manpower resources that dwarf ours. Americans are no better than anyone else, and we can fail, and we almost surely will.

6. I think it will be about a year before most Americans realize they elected a very ordinary political hack who only succeeded in life because he never questioned the corrupt Illinois machinery that supported him. “Change”? It is anathema to Obama. If he had worked for change in Chicago, he would have been expelled from the power structure, and he would now be teaching at a university.

America didn’t want a leader who believed in tried and true ideas (not that John McCain fit this description well). America wanted a flashy rock star. And that’s what we got. We got a young man who thinks the young have all the answers and that the old are stupid. He’s wrong, and unless he changes his philosophy, we are going to reap a harvest of misery from the implementation of his bad, discredited leftist ideas.

I plan to avoid criticizing him excessively in the future, because I think Christians have an obligation to support their leaders. I plan to pray that he changes his ways, and that our country turns back to God. But my hopes are not high. Regardless of what happens to the US, I plan to work and pray for prosperity and protection for me and my family, and I suggest you do the same. When a country goes to hell, you have to have an edge in order to do well. In the past, merely working hard and being an American would get you to the top. That probably won’t be true after our economic decline enters its fullness.

That’s it.

Machine Tools

While Marv and I enjoy his “out” time, I am reading about machine tools.

They’re very confusing. I have figured out a couple of things, though, analogizing from woodworking. I think a milling machine is pretty much like a router for metal, only mounted in a really nice fixture that does great stuff with it. And a lathe…is a lathe.

It’s very tough, figuring out what size machine would be useful for me. Jet makes something called a JMD15, and it only weighs 400 pounds, and it appears to take up about as much room as a drill press. A thing like that, I could conceivably accommodate. But what can it do? Is it worth the aggravation?

Many years ago, I used Vise Grips to break stone crab claws, and they were wonderful, but I had to adjust them over and over, because crab claws are not uniform. I thought it might be fun to make pliers just for the purpose of breaking claws. I drew up a design and bought a piece of tool steel and tried to make them, using a drill press. You can imagine how well that worked out. Then I paid a local machinist to make the pliers. They might have worked, had he used a better grade of steel. Will a JMD15 make an item like that?

What if I want a steel fence for my table saw, so I can use magnetic jigs to hold work down? How big a mill would that take? Say I want a piece of steel 48″ long, with T-tracks in it. Can I do that? Can I make something as big as a typical shop vise? Can I make myself a new drill press table from cast iron?

I have no idea. I guess there is no such thing as bulk cast iron, ready to be milled. I suppose they only cast it in shapes that are already dedicated to some purpose.

I have to make a mobile base for the bandsaw. I keep reading depressing things about HTC bases. The one I got for the table saw is great, but I read that adjustable bases flex too much for tall tools. I could buy a welded base, but it would surely cost $200, and that’s insane.

I should be able to make a frame from 1 1/2″ angle iron and then fabricate some kind of attachments for casters. The whole thing might run me $85, even assuming I use overpriced Home Depot metal. I’m wondering if I’ll be able to drill the necessary 3/8″ holes in the base with my hand drills. When you don’t have the right tool, sometimes the answer is the wrong tool and incredible patience.

I apparently caused myself some problems by buying a 19″ saw. I figured lots of people had them, but it looks like a good number of the parts and accessories out there are only available for smaller saws. Maybe that means only hobbyists are dumb enough to buy trinkets and doodads; I’m not sure. I can’t buy zero-clearance inserts, except for the ones the manufacturer sells, so I suppose I should learn to make them from plastic. I guess I could resaw it to the right thickness on the table saw, cut circles with a fly cutter or maybe even a hole saw, and add hex screws to keep the inserts level.

I’m definitely making progress, though. I have finally reached the point where I can go in the garage and just MAKE things.

I Love my Table Saw

I finished my planing sled. You may now grovel before me and explain that you are not worthy:

I love that table saw. Every time I think I need to go use a different saw, I find myself reaching for scrap and clamps, and before you know it, I have a jig that lets me use the table saw. I had to redo all those supports (the long wooden pieces across the table) because I screwed up the dadoes, and I did everything on the table saw.

Hope the sled works.

I’ll Have the Whale Bacon Smoothie

Elisson is opening a restaurant. I doubt his rabbi has cleared this.

Religious Cursors

Here is another interesting way to remind yourself to behave while using your computer. It occurred to me last night that surely someone out there had come up with cursors with religious themes. And it turns out they have. You can get an ichthus, a cross, or any of a number of other shapes. You can probably get a star of David; I haven’t checked.

Here’s how it works. You download a file with the extension “cur,” and you put it in your Windows/cursors folder. Then you go to  your control panel, click “Mouse,” and use the browsing feature to find and activate the cursor.

Might make it harder for you to be a jerk while you’re online.

Here’s an ichthus cursor you can download: CLICK.

Most Intimidating Tool of All

According to Mish, Leah Friedman i snow responding to pain. I assume that means her caregivers are poking her or something to see how she is. Her responses are considered encouraging, but she is not awake yet. So prayer is still needed.

Reader JeffW is trying to get himself banned from my comments by pushing me to get Sherline mill. The thing that saved me from getting a mill last time was the expense. That, and the fear that I would never learn how to use it.

Actually, here is the whole complex of neuroses. 1. I didn’t want to spend the money, especially since small mills aren’t much cheaper than used big mills. 2. People told me small mills were useless, because they could only make tiny objects. 3. Big mills take up as much room as bumper pool tables. 4. I was afraid I’d never learn how to use a mill.

Seriously, though, how hard is it? I thought woodworking tools would be hard to use, but they’re not. Most of the skill is in setting them up for various procedures. Once you get your jig or fence or whatever set up correctly, things work pretty smoothly. Are machine tools the same way, or do you have to go be an apprentice on a swamp planet for 25 years?

Bigger Sham Than Global Warming

My old man found out he had to do legal CLE; he thought he was exempt because of his age. So he got himself some CDs, and I decided to borrow them so I could get my own CLE out of the way. I sincerely hope I will never have to practice law again, but this stuff usually costs hundreds of dollars, and I can’t pass that up when there is any possibility that I will want to use my license.

While I give the birds some time out of their cages, I’m listening to some professional do-gooder lecturing on ethics. It is absolutely disgusting. He’s talking about filing charges against people for cussing. And for rudeness. I am not kidding. This is what happens when a person goes straight from law school into a job where his main function is to persecute other people. They never develop any sense of proportion or mercy. This is why bureaucrats and academics are so heartless and tyrannical; they have no idea what real life is like. They can’t be fired. It’s impossible to get them disciplined. So they sit on their ivory thrones, bashing the rest of us with their tenured scepters.

Mercy is important. Without it, life can be unbearable. I have forgotten that many times in my life, and I am ashamed of it. When you’re in a position where you can hurt other people but they can’t do much to you, you have to do your best to empathize. This is one of life’s great moral lessons. I truly mean that. Think about it after you read this. In the age of assertiveness and Internet rage, it’s an easy thing to lose sight of. I have to wonder if this lecturer thinks enough about mercy.

If every lawyer I know who used bad language at the office or in the courthouse got disciplined, I suppose about 5% would escape the mighty sword of the avenging do-bees. The percentage for rudeness would be a little better, but if even one lawyer gets disciplined for something that trivial, it’s one lawyer too many. I mean, sure, if he literally flings dung at other lawyers, he should get a wake-up call. But barring egregious and bizarre behavior, he should be left alone. There is a remedy for attorney rudeness. It’s called “failure.” You lose your clients and go broke. And judges fine you for contempt. I don’t see why the bar needs to turn itself into Henry Higgins.

Law is funny. When we feel safe, lawyers are irreverent. We do things we should not do. We tell dirty jokes. We gossip. We make fun of people. I stood next to a Miami-Dade public defender in court, while he whispered to me, making fun of a criminal defendant who was talking to the judge. No one cares about these things; we know we’re only human. But when these peccadillos come to light in the context of an investigation, we are SHOCKED! SHOCKED to learn that [insert type of bad behavior here] is going on in the sacred halls of justice!

The hypocrisy stinks to high heaven. And I say that as a Christian who is working to cut back on dirty talk and other mischief. I guarantee you, many of the lawyers who, when volunteering to help the bar regulate other lawyers, squeal in dismay over the smallest infraction, behave like mere mortals when no one is looking. This is how life is. There is one standard of behavior for day-to-day life, and then there is another standard when you find yourself under the microscope. It’s completely unfair. Bar associations need to worry about things like fraud, overbilling, and stealing. In those areas, they do a very poor job of enforcement. But this lecturer says he threatened a man who swore and took God’s name in vain. I think he should be ashamed of himself.

On top of that, the lecture is terrible. It’s boring, and it seems to have no point whatsoever, except that the bar has extremely perplexing priorities. If that’s the message, I hear it loud and clear.

I will alway resent being forced to do CLE. My guess, and other lawyers I’ve asked have the same impression, is that the real purpose of CLE is to make money for CLE providers who lobby the bar to impose requirements and recommend their expensive materials. That’s only a guess, but that’s generally how government works. The materials are almost always bad; no respectable lawyer would rely on this garbage to educate himself for the benefit of a client. I would consider it unethical. There is absolutely no way I would sink that low, when a client’s interests were on the line. I could not live with myself, and I would most assuredly lose in court.

This guy asked the recording audience if they thought their law schools did a good job of preparing them for actual practice, including teaching ethics. He asked it in a sneering way, as if the answer could not possibly be yes. His pride is really something, given the quality of his lecture. My answer would have been “ABSOLUTELY.” The University of Miami had its shortcomings, but my ethics instructor was excellent–much better than these ridiculous CDs–and the people who taught me about litigation were competent. I can’t remember the name of my ethics professor, but he ended up clerking for the Supreme Court, and he prepared a beautiful set of notes for his students, and the CD guy can’t compare to him.

Here’s what I always say about CLE, and it’s true: every competent lawyer does CLE every time he does research. Unless you’re utterly incompetent, you refresh your knowledge of the law EVERY, EVERY, EVERY time you handle a case. That’s real CLE. These CDs are useless, and it’s a shame people are profiting from them, and that lawyers are wasting their very valuable time playing them. And when I say that, I am referring to those lawyers who really play them, instead of buying them and putting them in the trash.