Or Not

I have a dilemma.

I want to move on with my life. I am about the future, not the past. This is one reason forgiveness is so important. It’s why Jesus told us to turn the other cheek. If you get embroiled in conflict with people who disagree with you or who have wronged you, you necessarily focus on past events, and it’s tough to move into future blessings. I know that. But it’s hard to extricate myself completely from negative involvement with my former church.

I know people there are talking about me, and not in a good way. I mean, some are talking about me in a good way, but others, not so much. I feel silly saying this, but I am learning that some people over there actually took me seriously and respected my opinions. Those people are disturbed that I left, and some of them are voicing concerns that I voiced while I was there. And not everyone is happy to hear it.

Apart from that, I am probably getting way more credit–“blame”, really–than I deserve. I am not the first person to complain about the positive-thinking, Holy-Spirit-suppressing, instruction-rejecting ethos. But because I’m one of the few people who had the guts to be honest about my misgivings, it may be that I’m seen as the source of the plague.

I feel like Mr. Roberts. When he got transferred, the captain of the ship thought his problems were over, but then up popped Ensign Pulver. The problem wasn’t Mr. Roberts. The problem CREATED Mr. Roberts. And it created his successor. The problems at my church gave rise to my complaints, and they will give rise to complaints from other people now that I’m gone.

Anyhow, I know people are saying bad things about me, and I am not interested in having a fight. I have moved on. They can put up posters criticizing me and call me Goldstein if they want. I have to go forward. But here’s the problem. There are a whole lot of people I care about back at that church. What do I do? Pretend they don’t exist? Tell God I’m not their keeper?

On top of that, I think the Holy Spirit has told me to be more confrontational and honest about the horrendous carnality in the modern charismatic church. I think he told me I wasn’t annoying ENOUGH. So I feel compelled to put his little lessons and revelations on Facebook and Twitter, not to mention my blog.

Example: Steve Munsey. The man is a disgrace. Am I supposed to ignore the way his insane, self-serving doctrine is staining churches? Of course not. I’m going to take a shot at him occasionally. And he’s royalty at my old church. So anything bad I say about this cloud without water will be perceived as an attack on the church. And to some extent, it is. They’re hawking his goods.

I know so many good people who could be powerfully connected with God, if someone would talk straight to them. Am I going to be silent in our future interactions, while they get herded off a cliff? NO. That would be sin. I can’t do it.

So while I plan to avoid mentioning the church and its leaders in the future, there is no way I’ll be able to avoid offending.

I’m tired of talking about the place. I’m not going back. I owe it nothing. There is nothing there that belongs to me or requires my attention. I hope my interaction with it in the future will be minimal. But there is a limit to what I can do.

I admit, I’ve recruited a few people for the new place. I knew a guy who was really abused at the old church, and I knew he loved the Holy Spirit, so I invited him to New Dawn. This guy busted his hump as a volunteer, and he was treated disrespectfully. When I got to church today, 25 minutes early, he had been there for 50 minutes. He knows the pastor! His nephew is an usher! He had relatives all over the place. It was like he had come home, and I suppose he had.

I know someone else who is about to snap, so I’ve recruited him heavily. I’m sure my efforts would be frowned upon back at the old place, but they should thank me. I might keep someone from getting punched. Maybe I should wait until someone gets a fat lip.

Generally, though, I have no plans to mount an insidious campaign of luring worshipers.

The service today was astounding. A buddy of mine showed up with his family. After the service, the pastor called them up, and he told him God had seen his service, and that he was not to give up. People prophesied over him, saying he and his wife were going to have a ministry helping marriages. They didn’t know this couple already had plans to write a book on marriage. The wife was sobbing. It was beautiful.

The pastor taught about bearing fruit. At one point he said that if you can’t bear good fruit under one man’s ministry, it was time to pack up and move on. I looked across the room, and my buddy’s wife was looking right at me, and I was sitting with the other guy I had recruited. We all knew God was talking to us. All of us had been shut down or pushed aside in the past, in spite of our best good-faith efforts. We were never insiders, and weren’t destined to break in.

The presence of the Holy Spirit, within me and moving through me, was so beautiful. You have to go back to the well once in a while. You have to. There is no way for you to sustain yourself. My prayer life at home is off the charts, but it’s not enough. I needed this.

I hope my reign as Public Enemy Number One is short. My life is going to proceed according to God’s plan. I don’t want to mud-wrestle over past ignorance.