Spit Tunes
January 26th, 2010Play it, Don’t Spray It
I should be doing something, but I’m procrastinating. Procrastination is the one thing I never put off. I guess you saw that joke coming. Someone probably saw it coming in 500 B.C.
I’m reading about trumpets. I just bought a cornet, but the word “trumpet” is easier to find on Google, so that’s what I’m reading about.
I think it’s remarkable that you can get a $2,000 trumpet for $200. People must abandon the trumpet in droves, for the used market to be like this. If trumpets were pianos, I’d have two Steinway D’s; one from New York, and one from Hamburg. I’d get a third and hollow it out for a novelty liquor cabinet.
The cornet I got is a Buescher Aristocrat. It was made in about 1961, and it’s in new condition, except for a couple of repaired dents. It’s functioning right.
A few years after it was made, the company was taken over by Selmer, and the Aristocrat name was applied to a crummy horn for kids. When mine was made, it was a professional-quality horn, although not a particularly great one. I paid what most people pay for good used student horns, and it wasn’t hard to find. If I sell it, I should be able to get at least what I paid. But not much more. Because used cornets are cheap.
I figure what I got is about like a Yamaha grand piano. More than good enough, but nothing special.
There are two things about wind instruments that turn me off. One is excess volume. The other is spit. I just don’t like spit. I never have. I don’t let people drink out of my glass (except Marv and Maynard). I don’t take bites out of other people’s apples. If you’re going to do that, you might as well French-kiss them. Anything they’ve got, you’re swallowing. Mucus, germs, pus, bits of decaying food, whatever. I don’t even like to hold papers after somebody licks his finger to turn the pages.
I guess I can learn to tolerate a certain amount of spit, as long as it’s not someone else’s.
My dad says my horn is for losers. He has a Bach. What a snob. I suspect the Buescher is good enough for someone who hasn’t even figured out how to make an embouchure.
Learning the word “embouchure” brought me pleasure, because I’ve been hearing it all my life, and I never knew how it was spelled. People mumble it, and I think they do it on purpose, because they don’t speak French. It sounds like “armature” and “umbrature” and “omature.” It’s actually om-boo-SURE, with the emphasis on the last syllable. How do I know that? Six years of French. And the French love accenting the last syllables of words. It’s what whiners do, in all languages, and the French are no slackers in this regard. They have turned whining into a fixed feature of their native tongue.
Judging from the structure of the word, the literal meaning is something like “in-your-mouth-ment.” Which makes sense.
My dad says I have to spit in the horn’s valves. Oh, man! No way! I can’t stand playing an instrument that always reeks of dried spit. I got some fancy valve oil. He says valve oil doesn’t work, but they may have changed the formula since he learned to play, back during the reign of Thutmose III, the Musical Pharaoh.
I had to fork out big-time for a mouthpiece. You can’t get one in Miami, unless you want one from Home Depot, made from galvanized steel. I exaggerate, but I couldn’t find one that was made by a reputable company. I paid for two-day shipping so I can have the mouthpiece two days before the horn. I want to get a head start on the embouchure, and it’s worth ten extra bucks to me to get two days. The mouthpiece wasn’t expensive, but when you add in the extra shipping, I got dinged.
I’m going to have nightmares about drowning in spit. I just know it. If I were interviewed by James Lipton, and he asked me my least favorite word, it would be “saliva.” I cringe, typing it.
I have to find something else to do while I’m procrastinating. I would write some more, but I’m having a hard time rationalizing it. I hate when that happens.
January 26th, 2010 at 12:52 PM
I started learning both trumpet and saxophone when I was a kid. I loved it, but what stopped me was the spit. It would irritate my lips, and chafe, and I’d get a staph infection.
January 26th, 2010 at 2:11 PM
“People must abandon the trumpet in droves, for the used market to be like this. If trumpets were pianos…”
…Then you couldn’t kill a party by bringing them out. There are remarkably fewer ways to introduce a wind instrument into a social setting. They’re fun to play though.
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You can not underestimate the level of muscle development and training involved. That doesn’t mean it’s impossible or even overly difficult, but like the Guitar and the Piano (which you’ve mastered) it’s not a case of, “Any idiot can do that.” So enjoy and soldier on when at first you don’t sound very good.
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Unlike other areas, I am knowledgable to a degree. I’ve played the Trombone continually since age 11 (of course, you know a more accomplished trombone player anyway, so you can always get his help.) The trumpet’s harder (smaller mouthpiece.) Have fun, and find ways to make ammends to your birds.
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It’s amazing that you can’t find a decent mouthpiece in Miami. With all those Salsa bands, there should be a decent shop or two. Miami’s weird, though, so there you are.
January 26th, 2010 at 3:04 PM
Huh. How do you feel about men spitting on the pavement? Makes me physically ill. I think it should be about $100 fine.
January 26th, 2010 at 3:17 PM
Wasn’t it George Carlin who noted that you can be fined for spitting on the New York subway, but vomiting is free?
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I can attest to the latter, from my college days.
January 26th, 2010 at 4:38 PM
The French do have a way with their language that is rather emasculating.
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The Germans on the other hand… They’ve got linguistic testosterone mastered with gems like “schadenfruede” and my personal favorite, “backpfeifengesicht.”
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Once you discover the meaning of the latter, you’ll never look at Joe Biden the same way again. You’ll know full well what his face has been missing.
January 26th, 2010 at 4:39 PM
Does it relate to his donor area/solar panel?
January 26th, 2010 at 8:25 PM
You know, all the years I was in band and orchestra, I kept hearing that that’s not really saliva, it’s condensate. Moist air from your lungs hitting relatively cold metal. “Spit valve” is a misnomer.
Think about it. Practice for a while, look at the quantity of liquid you blow out your “water key” and ask yourself what it would be like to stand there spitting on the floor long enough to make a puddle that size.
Oh, and when I was at the University, I hung out with a lot of music majors. They all just used valve oil. If you have the right instruments, there’s also “rotor oil” for things like french horns and some tubas, but I couldn’t tell you the difference.
January 27th, 2010 at 1:14 AM
Ew, Steve.
January 27th, 2010 at 3:00 AM
If my sorry, alley German still works, it comes out roughly, ” A slap in the face” only moreso. Bitchslapped, if you will. Please correct me if I’m wrong. Again.
January 27th, 2010 at 5:26 AM
As you already know, a hack with a Strat Violin or a Strat Trumpet is still an annoyance at the end of the day if all they are doing is trying to impress people with the cost of the instrument they’re found standing in the room with. I like vintage instruments also, and the old stuff is fun to hold and play even if it can be a little clunky sometimes. If you’re not actually going to perform at a professional level the front slide and rear valve trigger found on some of the newer horns will not matter…especially if you play solo or use your normal concentration to force the notes into tune. And just go ahead and get ready because you are going to want to own more than one mouthpiece…not because of spit but because if you play for a few hours in a row you’ll need the cup change to handle the range of the songs and offset your lips getting tired. BTW, Check out the “Clarks Technical Studies” series of books which cover finger and lip exercises similar to Schaums outline Books in Physics and Mathematics. You’re exercise is making me break out my horns and make noise in the basement…something I haven’t done in a few months.
Good luck (harmonicas are next)