Domino’s Gives it a Shot

Finally, something interesting in the news. Domino’s has decided to improve its pizza.

I worked for Domino’s about a thousand years ago. At that time, the pizza was very good. I saw the ingredients as they were delivered, and it was all good stuff. Real cheese. Real meat. Quality dough. The pizza wasn’t the New York style I prefer, but it was satisfying.

I don’t know why it got so bad after that. I suspect lawyers are part of the reason. The last time I had a Domino’s pizza, the crust was a lot like Wonder Bread. Spongy. Too easy to chew. I couldn’t figure out why they would ruin it by making it soft. Then a bell rang. Liability. Somewhere, someone has probably sued Domino’s because their dentures came out when they bit into a slice. Another possibility: a lot of food companies intentionally make their products bland and wimpy because that way, they offend the fewest customers. Consider Budweiser. It’s a pathetic excuse for a beer. It’s basically sweetened water with carbonation. But the lack of flavor makes it easy to drink, provided you keep it very cold. And it’s cheap.

Don’t ask me why the sauce went downhill. When I worked at Domino’s, they told me Tom Monaghan himself had created the recipe.

Now Domino’s says it’s sorry. They claim their new pizza is worth eating, and they even have a sale going, with a guarantee.

I have to try this. My policy is to try any new pizza restaurant that shows up near me and any restaurant that makes a significant change.

I have a feeling I’ll be disappointed. Good cooks are hard to find; traditional hiring strategies tend to locate people who are aggressive, hard-working, or connected. Those characteristics have nothing to do with good food. The fact that a person got A’s at cooking school says absolutely nothing about his ability to make food you will want to go back for over and over.

In my mind’s eye, I picture a bunch of enthusiastic but talentless corporate types, doing “trust exercises” and fire-walking and singing the company song and so on, when they should really be looking for someone who can cook. Screaming “WE’RE NUMBER ONE” really loud at corporate meetings doesn’t actually improve your pizza.

I’m disturbed that they say they added cayenne to their sauce. Pizza Hut makes spicy sauce, and it’s a mistake. Italy is not Mexico. But I can’t issue a ruling until I try it. I think I’ll order a pie for dinner.

I feel like Charlie Brown, running up to kick the football again. Will Lucy pull it away at the last moment? Probably. But if you don’t do the research, you don’t find the best pizza.