Drawers of Frustration
October 14th, 2009Make New Friends at the Laundromat
The pimply thing that was bothering me yesterday came back! I was highly annoyed. It disappeared, and I blogged it (having no common sense), and then it reappeared a couple of millimeters from the original location. Then it went away and reappeared in a third location. Then this morning, it disappeared again. The only thing I learned from this is not to make light of answered prayers.
Now I’m struggling with my third gay underwear crisis. Longtime readers will recall that I had a problem a couple of years ago; I could not find normal-sized underwear in Miami, because everyone here has a giant butt. I don’t know if it’s the frijoles and yuca or what. You have to go above size 38 to find selection. So I ordered some underwear online, and when it arrived, it turned out I had misjudged the photos. What I ended up with were San Francisco eye patches. Ideal for exercise, but not an easy thing to explain to anyone who sees you doing laundry.
Then this year I found the most amazing underwear in the universe. Mundo Unico microfiber boxer briefs. This is the ultimate in functional underwear. Unfortunately, it’s designed by Latins. In Colombia. So while it’s completely normal and perhaps even masculine by Latin standards, here in the US, it’s incredibly gay. If there was such a thing as a gayometer, these things would set it on fire and make springs pop out of it.
I started out with one pair of the plainest black ones they made, and they looked reasonably normal, so I ordered six more pairs. Sadly, they were three inches shorter. I did not realize that. So instead of something resembling bike shorts, I ended up with something that would go really well with a teddy. They would look fantastic on Heidi Klum.
Well. So would Pampers or even old newspapers. Bad example.
On top of this, it turned out that the site where I got them was aimed at gay men. I figured this out from the email ads they started sending me. You would not believe this stuff. Every color of the rainbow. Thongs. Straps. I’m pretty sure I saw a leather biker’s cap in one photo. And the fruitiest models imaginable. I decided to unsubscribe, but then I thought, “What if they put the longer underwear on sale? I’ll never know.” So for months I’ve been getting these horrifying emails with pictures in them.
I figured it was no big deal. After all, nobody would know. Unless some moron wrote a blog post about it.
Oops.
My conclusion is that sometimes I work just a little too hard to get a bargain. I could have paid full price for underwear that looked nearly normal, but I Googled and Googled for a low price, and I ended up with something Richard Simmons probably wears. I think I’m going to give up, order the normal ones, throw out the creepy ones, and consider the expense tuition.
Now it looks like the normal ones are very hard to find at any price. Why can’t makers of heterosexual non-Latin underwear come up with a product like this? I don’t care how great these things are. I am not ordering them in turquoise, sheer black, lime green, or tiger stripes. I would go back and check the site for even-more-amusing colors, but my stomach can’t handle it.
The men’s underwear industry just isn’t cutting it. In the old days, you had boxers, which don’t really do anything to help you, or you could get briefs, which looked like diapers, fit poorly, and turned a mildewy-looking grey after three washes. Now it’s boxers, briefs, and functional underwear that is extremely gay.
At least I cheer up bored airport screeners.
October 14th, 2009 at 11:54 AM
These come highly recommended by folks who’ve done multiple tours in Iraq and Afghanistan. http://www.underarmour.com/shop/us/en/mens/apparel/underwear-and-socks/underwear/pid1000667-Men-s-HeatGear-6-Boxerjock-/1000667-001
October 14th, 2009 at 12:01 PM
Dang, right after I made a BO on some Ebay Unicos. Maybe they’ll turn me down.
.
I think your link should shut up the folks who said stretchy boxer briefs were ALWAYS gay. If they’re good enough for our fighting men…
October 14th, 2009 at 1:33 PM
Check out the boxer briefs by Ex Officio. I’ve had 3 pairs for about 8 or so years. Comfy, functional and not gay. A little pricey, but you may be able to get them on sale somewhere.
.
Also check out Campmor and REI for that kind of underwear.
October 14th, 2009 at 3:17 PM
Don’t throw away perfectly useable (albeit unfashionable) clothing – donate it.
October 14th, 2009 at 3:56 PM
Where am I going to find gay bums?
October 14th, 2009 at 4:09 PM
TC,
Only three pairs? You really must be a guy…
October 14th, 2009 at 8:10 PM
I second Under Armour. They seemed expensive to me, but they are worth every penny. Also, I can get them at my local sports authority
October 14th, 2009 at 8:57 PM
Never failing to be able to state the obvious, but you do have a Target near you. They have Hanes, Fruit of the Loom and some generic type brand in different sizes (S-M-L-XL) and they come in manly colors and different styles. Just a thought. They sometimes even have BONUS packs.
October 14th, 2009 at 9:00 PM
Hanes makes boxer briefs and I buy them at wal-mart.
October 15th, 2009 at 8:12 AM
Flor….Sheesh, what’s the big deal about three pairs. If you turn them inside out that’s a total of six days without a repeat.
October 15th, 2009 at 9:45 AM
I don’t want to get into it, but there are engineering reasons why plain old Target boxer briefs are worthless.
.
I mean, think about it. Surely you realize I would not be ordering without checking the local offerings first.
October 15th, 2009 at 11:02 AM
I find that J.C. Penny’s “Stafford” brand is pound for pound and dollar for dollar the best on the market. By FAR, they have the best tee shirts I’ve ever bought.
They’re of a heavier weave. The collars don’t stretch and sag. They keep their shape and they wear like iron. And they’re soft and very, very comfortable.
Shorts? I buy their ordinary cotton boxers. Colors are whatever I choose to like from what’s on the shelf, but nothing “weird”. Again, they fit, last, and are a great value.
Steve, give a 3 pack of their tee shirts and a 3 pack of their shorts a try. This is one time that bricks n’ morar beats online shopping hands-down.
You’ve gotta be able to see it, handle it, feel it and like it before you should buy it.
Jim
Sunk New Dawn
Galveston, TX
October 15th, 2009 at 11:05 AM
Cotton boxers are old and busted. Microfiber boxer briefs are the new hotness.
.
You can’t really wear an undershirt in Miami, unless you also carry a gallon of ice water wherever you go. It was 93 here yesterday, and that doesn’t take the burning heat of the more-intense subtropical sun into account.
October 15th, 2009 at 12:34 PM
Steve – just drop tham off at the homeless shelter. I have to figure that some gay guys end up homeless (or the federal government under Obama is now running some program to convert them to gay and train them up in the ways of gayness).
October 15th, 2009 at 1:24 PM
Leo said:
Flor….Sheesh, what’s the big deal about three pairs. If you turn them inside out that’s a total of six days without a repeat.
.
You forgot forwards and backwards…that makes 12 days for each pair! (But you may have to cut a slit in the backside…)
October 15th, 2009 at 1:26 PM
Okay actually 4 days each pair for a total of 12-days with 3-pairs.
.
That’s what I meant…yeah.
October 16th, 2009 at 3:35 AM
JeffW…Good point. I didn’t think of that since I live in the tropics. Should work just fine as long as you’re extra careful about accidental ….well, you know. Just sayin’.