Saddam Hussein was an Amateur

I decided to try to reform my pepper plants, so I went out with some Velcro tape and a pair of scissors, and I tried to prop up the Trinidad Scorpion and the prig ki nu. I met with limited success.

The Trinidad Scorpion is relatively narrow. When I got out there it was maybe four feet wide at the widest point. It narrowed on the way down, so I was able to throw some Velcro around it, tie it to the trellis, and snug it up so it was off the ground. But it was still obscuring the Tobago Seasoning Pepper beside it, so I had to cut off some limbs. Man, it feels strange, pruning a crop as if it were a tree.

I moved on to the prig ki nu, which is maybe six feet tall and five feet wide. I tried to lift it and tie Velcro around it, but it was hopeless. That bush must weigh seventy pounds. I had to cut off a big section that protruded through the trellis and over the patio, and I had to extract a bunch of branches that went through the chain link fence and menaced the Persian lime. Finally, I got a mooring line that used to be on my dad’s boat. I looped it under the bush, took it back around a fence post, and pulled. The plant lifted up, and I tied the rope.

This thing is not a bush any more. It’s a small tree. It has wood in it. I don’t think they’re supposed to do this.

When I was done I had several branches that I had removed or accidentally knocked off, and I didn’t want to waste the peppers. Now I have three fourths of a cup of green Thai peppers and half a cup of ripe red ones. I don’t know what to do with them. I’d love to put them in vinegar in a squeeze bottle. Like sport peppers. But the last time I did that, they got moldy. I don’t know why the ones in the store don’t do that. Maybe they’re boiled and treated with preservatives. Maybe I’ll freeze the silly things.

I must have three or four thousand Thai peppers out there. And the Tobago Seasoning Peppers are going nuts. I should go out and grab them and do something with them. And the habanero golds are in the same state.

Chili at my place! Bring your asbestos pants!