Why Waste Time?

Way oil.

That is the latest thing I have become aware that I am required to own, in order to sit in my garage ruining lathe projects. Thank goodness. I was almost afraid I had spent enough money.

A metal lathe has a thing at one end that turns the thing you work on, and then it has rails that point away from the turning thing, and then it has a thing that sits on the rails and holds the tool that cuts the turning thing. The rails are called “ways.” Which requires no explanation.

I think it’s great how I’m mastering all these mechanical terms.

The ways of a lathe have to be really smooth and straight, or else, well, I’m not sure what. I have been told two conflicting things. 1. If the ways are worn out (from the motion of the sliding thing that holds the tool), it will be impossible to make anything good on the lathe. 2. If the ways are worn out, it will not matter, because a real machinist would just excrete a giant burst of testosterone and “work around” the wear and still make parts fit for use in critical areas of the Hubbell telescope.

This appears to be a common issue with all types of machine tools. I keep hearing that they have to be in new condition to work OR that a good machinist can manufacture a Swiss watch using a pair of dull scissors and a Globe meat slicer.

I’m not sure whether any of this is relevant to me, since, in the effort to make crude and defective parts, I will probably be able to overcome the high quality and inherent precision of any machine tool made by man.

To keep your ways happy (not that it matters if you’re a real machinist with swarf in his colon, one glass eye, and nine fingers), you have to oil them, and of course, you can’t just use any old oil that doesn’t cost ninety dollars a gallon and have to be ordered from Singapore. You have to use way oil.

It gets better. There are three grades of way oil, and I have no idea which one is right. The book I’m reading says to get “medium,” with no justification whatsoever. It’s obvious to me that the author has no idea, either, and that he decided to go down the middle and see what happened.

Here’s the thing that makes me suspicious. The book also says I have to degrease the machine, weekly. Isn’t oil greasy? Won’t I be removing all that precious way oil?

I think this guy owns a way oil distributorship, and he needs to come clean. Or at least be degreased.

Wait, I’m wrong. Imagine that. It says to avoid removing the oil when you degrease.

The lathe I’m buying came from a prison. Of all the things that may have been spilled on it, grease worries me the least. I’m considering hosing it down with veterinary penicillin. Or I could take the easy route and just smear it with ground beef. My sister tells me not to eat beef because it’s full of antibiotics and steroids. Explain the logic. If I eat this stuff, I’ll be a) healthy and b) ripped. What’s not to like?

I’ll bet I know who sells way oil. Enco. How do I know this? I know it because I just received an email saying my first Enco order had shipped. That means I can’t include way oil in the same package. So this would be the perfect time for fate to humiliate me by revealing that Enco is currently having a massive way oil blowout.

Maybe Obama just banned way oil because it’s made by competent people who don’t need bailouts, and, like certain types of ammunition, it will now be impossible to find.

I love that Obama. And his wife, too. Did you see where she fist-bumped Queen Elizabeth? Something like that. It was pretty rad. They used to put your head on a pole for things like that.

MICHELLE OBAMA: HIGH FIVE!

QUEEN: ?

MICHELLE OBAMA: Don’t leave me hangin’, girl.

I shudder to think what may be on that Ipod they gave her. But it can’t be any worse than John McCain’s favorite band. Abba. On the other hand, her majesty is probably already a fan of “Dancin’ Queen.”

Giving Britain’s elderly Queen an Ipod is like giving an older relative an entertainment center that requires two remotes. It’s almost cruel. Wars start over things like this.

I think there should be a law against giving another person’s older relative any type of electronic gadget without prior notarized consent from the other person.

In addition to way oil, I’m fairly sure I have to order telescoping gauges, center drills, and a second fire extinguisher. The lathe is going to be right next to the garage door, though. Wouldn’t it make more sense to run outside and rely on homeowner’s insurance?

I put a fire extinguisher on the wall when I got my welder, but nothing I couldn’t afford to replace has caught fire yet. Seems like a waste of money to me.

I wonder if that extinguisher still works. Might be a good idea to check once every five years or so.

In conclusion, here is something irrelevant: