I’m AK, You’re AK

Mike is coming to town. I hope the pizzerias are ready for the added load.

I hope my new murderous and unbelievably dangerous assault rifle gets here before Mike does. By the way, in case any liberals who hate guns yet know absolutely nothing about them are reading, let me point out that it’s a SEMI-AUTOMATIC. Yes, that’s right. I, a mere civilian long suspected of being several pins short of a strike, will possess a DEADLY SEMI-AUTOMATIC WEAPON.

I love it when people whine about how semi-automatic weapons should be illegal. Ask them what “semi-automatic” means, if you want a laugh. About 98% of them think it means “machine gun.” And I’m sure the con artists at the Brady Center are doing nothing to change that perception. It’s like the forged Dan Rather memo; as long as the angels and the editorial staff of Mother Jones are on your side, Mother Gaia loves it when you lie. Your deceit will make her nipples ooze warm soy milk from organic beans that come from plants fertilized with the bodies of aborted babies.

Let me take a second to educate. A semi-automatic weapon fires once every time you pull the trigger, and it cocks itself after every round.

I love revolvers. Because they’re cool. But they’re obsolete. They work. Sure. But semi-automatics work much better and weigh less. Steam locomotives work great. So do rotary phones. But they’re not state of the art, and when you want the best, they’re not what you buy.

The public needs semi-automatics. When a crackhead invades your home and he is completely willing to kill you to avoid arrest–and this happens many times every day–you may have to shoot fifteen times to put him down. You can’t do it with a revolver or a derringer. You need something that pumps lead until the job is done, without providing your assailant with time to recover between reloads. When it comes to pistols, that means semi-auto, period. And optimally, it means a big ol’ magazine.

I have two .357s. I don’t even keep ammunition for them. One holds six rounds; the other, seven. They have relatively heavy trigger pulls. They can’t compare to a Glock with one clip in the well and another in my pocket. Empty both revolvers and you’ve shot 13 rounds. Empty two Glock clips plus the shell in the pipe, and you’ve shot 31. With greater ease and accuracy and less recoil. The revolvers are toys. I enjoy them at the range. If the Obama Jugend starts collecting our sidearms, these are the guns I’ll hand over as decoys. The semi-automatics are the ones I’ll hide.

I’ll hide them in the last places a liberal personality-cult ninny would look. Under a Bible or a box of soap.

One of the weird things about the gun controversy is that gun haters get upset when anyone is killed with a large number of bullets. But if you go to Liveleak and watch actual shootings, you’ll see why this happens. It’s not overkill. It’s not hate or vengefulness or brutality. It just reflects the fact that people who get shot can remain alive and dangerous long enough to kill you. When you shoot another person, the objective is to render him helpless in a fraction of a second. That may be all the time you have, before he shoots back. Very often, a righteous shooter will empty his magazine before the criminal starts to drop. What are you going to do? Assume the first shot took? Wait to see what happens? A lot of dead people have tried that.

Here’s the way defensive shooting works: in for a penny, in for a pound. Once you pull the trigger, you’ve decided to kill the other person. Therefore the number of shots you fire is irrelevant. If the first one kills him and you fire fourteen more, it just means you shot a dead person 13 times. Big deal. You defaced meat. It happens. It’s why caskets have lids. If the fourteenth one kills him, it just means you were right to keep shooting.

In the liberal version of reality, you try to hug the assailant. When that fails, you ask him about his needs. When that fails, you tell him he is making you very uncomfortable, and that you need your space. When that fails, you blow your rape whistle. When that fails, you command him to depart in the name of Obama. When that fails, if you have a gun, you fire it in the air. When that fails, you shoot him somewhere where it won’t hurt all that much. It’s a system of progressive responses. How appropriate.

In actual non-liberal reality, you shoot to kill. Then you shoot to kill. Then you shoot to kill. Then you shoot to kill. Because you don’t have time to become the criminal’s best friend and find out what you did to provoke him to sodomize your family and steal your silver. Criminals are fast. They can kill in half a second. Appeasement is slow.

Lots of people defend themselves and their families successfully with revolvers and even really low-capacity guns like double-barreled shotguns. And a lot of people cut steak with a butter knife. Here’s a great lesson people should learn early. To do a job right, you need the right tool. And the right tool for self-defense is a semi-automatic weapon.

I know you can also do a lot of damage with 12-gauge that only holds a few rounds. This is a weapon with a very unusual level of per-round stopping power, so maybe the rules are different. But a pistol round isn’t a shotgun shell. You need to deliver them in quantity, if you expect to have any hope of landing one in the right place. Personally, I believe in 12-gauges that hold 20-round magazines. In my opinion, a person who shoots five shotgun shells and then has to reload will probably wish he had gone semi-auto.

There’s a famous video of a cop having a shootout with two white trash losers in a van. The passenger loser gets out and opens fire. The cop opens fire. They shoot round after round, from a distance of something like ten feet. Nobody hits a damned thing. Neither one of these men had the ability to shoot well under pressure. Guess who has the best chance of winning in a situation like that, which is very typical? The guy with the biggest magazine. If you shoot enough bullets, sooner or later you’ll hit the bad guy.

Who, in the multi-century history of firearms and gunfights, has ever wished he had FEWER bullets?

So anyway, I like semi-autos, and I like large magazines. And the Vz 58 should be a wonderful thing to have on hand if I ever find myself in danger. If I can’t save myself with 60 rounds of 7.62x39mm, an extremely reliable rifle, and a very bright laser, I deserve to die, because it proves I am a disgrace to my species.

If Mike arrives after the rifle, we’ll be able to take it to the range. That will be fun. I haven’t been there in a long time. I’ve had various tool tasks to perform, and they have eaten into my range time. I bought some reloading supplies, so it won’t be long before I start making amends. I should really break down and get some more .38 Super brass. I have .45 shells coming out of my ears, but .38 Super is something you just have to pay for.

If you haven’t bought a good rifle and at least a thousand rounds of ammunition yet, get with the program. Obama is watching.

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Here’s a Youtube classic, demonstrating simple martial arts techniques that may be helpful if you are attacked.