Welcome to Dr. Fantasmo’s Dental Fun House

My wife and I went in for dental cleanings, and we learned something that might be very helpful to you. And it’s time-sensitive.

The hippies, communists, and transvestites have ruined dental floss.

Many people have huge gaps between their teeth, so they can use any kind of floss they want. My teeth are close together, so if I use the wrong floss, it snaps. This is not a rare condition.

In order to fix the problem, our wonderful dental establishment came up with floss made from Teflon. The best-known brand is Glide. It moves in and out of dental gaps much more easily than the old string-and-wax stuff.

I have been buying the Walmart version of this stuff for a long time. I buy it in large quantities so I get the best prices and so I don’t run out fast. I am still working on my last container.

At my cleaning, my hygienist got very angry. She was using some kind of horrible floss that kept snapping, and it felt like she was dragging butcher’s twine between my teeth. She got fed up and started using some kind of little pointy things to get the polishing paste out. I wondered why she was using floss she clearly hated.

I told her I used Teflon floss, and she said it was no longer available.

I was horrified, and when I got home, I did some research. She was right. Since I bought my last shipment of floss, the hippies in a couple of degenerate hippie states banned Teflon floss. Of course, this means it’s banned for everyone else, because companies don’t want to make different floss for different states, and because they don’t want hysterical, hormonal women crying that Oral-B is trying to kill their children.

There are chemicals called PFAS (or something like that) and they are used in the manufacture of Teflon floss. By the time the floss is made, there are only tiny traces of these chemicals in it, and you can probably imagine how much of that will get into your body in a lifetime of flossing. Doesn’t matter. Estrogen is the mind-killer, and you can’t reason with a nose-ringed woman full of SSRI’s.

Incidentally, one of the outfits that got rid of good floss is called Silent Spring, which is named for the 1961 Rachel Carson book that killed millions of little brown people by getting DDT banned because of a greatly exaggerated fear that it might thin bird eggshells. With the use of DDT, the incidence of malaria in Ceylon went from millions per year to 17, and when DDT was withdrawn, numbers shot back up, and there was a tsunami of fatalities as needless deaths resumed.

Malaria is not a joke. You can’t just take a spoonful of quinine and get out of bed, instantly healed, and do jumping jacks. It causes excruciating pain and kills people.

Mosquitoes spread other diseases such as zika and yellow fever. But never mind. Rachel Carson got her chance to virtue-signal.

So what do you do if you want to floss your teeth?

You can still get Teflon floss. A company called Atomo sells it to dental clinics. They make you tell them the name of your clinic, so I said I worked for Dr. Fantasmo’s Dental Fun House. The floss is cheaper than Walmart’s, and people like it. A couple of other companies are still selling Teflon.

Oddly, since it’s such a health hazard according to people who let Gwyneth Paltrow teach them science, they make it because dentists insist on it. I can understand why. My hygienist was ready to blow a gasket.

I also learned I needed a flossing handle, because it is not actually possible to use my fingers and floss in a manner that even remotely resembles the correct and effective way. I ordered a handle, so we will see what happens.

I have several miles of floss on the way, and if I like it, I will buy a few more miles, to assure that I will have usable floss until I expire. It might cost a few hundred dollars, but dental implants are also expensive. If I were to spend a thousand dollars, I would be pretty sure of having good floss for my wife and I for the rest of our lives.

My wife and I have had a lot of calcified buildup on our teeth lately, and the reason was obvious even before I looked it up. We cut back on carbs and ate a lot of meat. This changes oral pH so you get an alkaline environment that favors the deposition of minerals. I suppose the acidic environment that comes with carbs is from the acid produced by the bacteria that dissolve teeth and cause cavities.

You want that alkaline environment if you want to keep your teeth, because it helps good minerals go back into your enamel and rebuild it, but you don’t want little mineral collars around your teeth.

Apparently, stannous fluoride is the answer. I’m not sure yet. A lot of toothpastes contain sodium fluoride, which is not helpful in preventing those little collars from growing. I am going to see what’s in my toothpaste.

I would rather have my teeth grow stalagmites than develop cavities, but it would be great if both problems were minimized.

I hate having my teeth cleaned. Don’t get me wrong; I have a high tolerance for pain. I had braces installed and maintained,and I never squirmed or whined. Getting cavities filled doesn’t bother me. I don’t care about the numbing shots, which hurt like hell. Vaccinations and blood draws mean nothing to me. I had a big cyst cut out of my back, they didn’t give me the right amount of anaesthetic, and I toughed it out while a nurse burned and cauterized tissue down in the resulting crater. But I can’t stand having my teeth cleaned. I feel shaky and drained when it’s over. I don’t like to drive right away.

I don’t know why it bothers me more than other people. It’s like Bactine, which everyone else thinks is painless. I had the skin scraped off my ankle once, and I thought Bactine was a good choice to clean it, since it’s a painless antiseptic. It literally felt like I had clamped hot coals to my ankle. Like I was ironing it on the linen setting. The pain was astonishing. Dental cleanings and applications of Bactine to big areas of skinned flesh…not for me.

I routinely pour alcohol on big raw injured areas, knowing it will hurt like crazy for a few seconds. No problem. Give me that over Bactine any day. It’s weird that I’m the only person on Earth it burns.

Anyway, as much as I hate dental cleanings, I would rather have minerals build up than have insulin and glucose spikes and get 25 chronic diseases. I’m sticking with meat and low carbohydrate consumption.

That doesn’t apply to the days when I go to the dentist. On those days, I feel very sorry for myself, so my diet goes out the window, and I usually go to bed without brushing.

Order yourself some of that good dental floss while you can, if you need it. Then sit back and wait while hysterical hippies find some other great product to take away without notice. They will definitely do it. And the more the product has to do with hygiene, the more zealously they will go at it.