If You Care, be the Bad Guy

My friend Marvin the parrot got sick because I made the mistake of using bifenthrin spray on a loveseat that had carpet beetles in it. We bought the loveseat from a place called Koontz Furniture and Design. My wife liked a bigger couch that matched it, and they showed us the loveseat, which was a like-new return.

They said they had taken it back after 6 months. I asked why. They said the customer didn’t like it. I thought that was odd, but their explanation was that the boss was a really nice guy who wanted people to be happy. I was suspicious, but then people here are very nice.

The loveseat was discounted heavily, and it looked unused, so we bought it. Weeks or months later, we started seeing little black balls on the floor around it. I thought maybe a roach was wandering around in the living room, and the balls were roach poops.

I knew nothing about carpet beetles. Eventually, I dug up the truth on the Internet. Carpet beetles are tiny, round, black bugs about the size of roach poops.

I tried imidacloprid on the loveseat and couch, and things got a lot better, but the loveseat appeared to continue to produce some bugs. This is why I tried bifenthrin, a “safe” chemical that leaves a dry residue that kills for months. I have used it in the house for years with no apparent problems.

A lot of spray got into the air, and Marv got sick the same day. Seizures and weakness. Short of watching your baby son die in your arms, nothing could be worse. But God was gracious, as always, and Marv did not die.

He spent two nights at the small animal hospital at the university, and he improved a great deal, so we brought him home.

Then I very stupidly let my wife push me into painting the kitchen. Most of the interior of the house looks fantastic, but the kitchen and two stairwells need paint.

I have told my wife not to nag me. Nagging is evil, and doctors believe it actually shortens husbands’ lives by ruining their cardiovascular health. My wife’s response was to cite the story Yeshua told about the widow who kept bothering the wicked judge until he granted her wish.

That’s not a good analogy. The judge was not her husband, so he was not the king and priest of her house, to whom God expected her to submit. Also, the judge was not subject to nagging all day, like a husband. Finally, she had been wronged, and she was asking for justice. My wife was not wronged.

I told her to knock it off, but I decided to start on the kitchen all the same. The pressure had an effect.

The day after I started painting the kitchen, Marv took sick again. The obvious reason: paint fumes. Birds have very sensitive lungs, which is why canaries used to be used to let miners know about gas accumulations. Marvin was getting better, but his lungs were still unusually sensitive, and he is a bird.

I felt like an idiot, because that’s what I was. I should never have let my wife goad me into doing something dumb. If I had not let her rush me, I would have thought more carefully, and common sense would have told me not to paint the kitchen until Marv was fully well.

Here’s something you really need to know about God: he can’t be rushed, and he does not want his children to be rushed. When someone rushes you, it’s nearly always for an evil reason. If you’re in a burning building and someone tells you to get out fast, that’s fine, but what if you’re at a car dealership and the salesman tells you a deal is only good for 24 hours? Walk. He’s not looking after you. He’s trying to get you to make a decision that will harm you.

A long time ago, I heard God say this while I was with him: “I will not be rushed.” I said it in the first person, but it referred to both of us. He will not be rushed, and he wants me to refuse to be rushed, too. I should have thought about this when my wife was in error, pushing me to do something dumb.

I sprayed the couch because of her impatience. She was pressing me to call Koontz and demand they take the loveseat back. When I finally called them, they said the sale was as-is, but they offered to send a bug guy.

What happened to the nice guy who took furniture back just because customers didn’t like it? He must have retired. Or maybe they took the couch back because the customer found bugs in it, they sprayed it until they didn’t see any bugs, and then they dumped it on me.

Oh, well. A $9,000 mistake and a lesson learned.

I sprayed the couch myself because I was concerned the bug guy might use something that would harm Marvin or my son, and I picked the wrong spray.

If you’re a husband, and you don’t want curses to fall on your house, you have to learn two things. You have to learn that you’re the leader, not a partner. You also have to learn to be willing to be unpopular in your own house. When your wife or child goes against God, you have to stick with God. This is one of your main purposes. It sounds odd, but battling your own wife and children for their own good is one of your primary functions. You should expect it and try to be grateful for it.

I put Marv in our son’s nursery, closed off the air conditioning vent, opened the windows, put towels under the doors, and gave him food and water by hand. My son rarely sees the nursery, so it didn’t matter to him. Of course, I humbled myself before God and used all my supernatural tools and weapons. After two nights of misery (for me), Marvin has perked up and started eating and playing in his water. It looks like he’s okay. I will be babying him for at least a month.

I told my wife to go ahead and put the kitchen back in order, because there was no way I was going to resume painting it until it was safe. I didn’t ask her if this was okay with her. I said this was how it was going to be, end of story, and she was fine with it. She feels very guilty.

Women resist leadership, but they like decisiveness. A woman who will fight a polite suggestion will be completely content to comply with a stern command. The same thing goes for men when they deal with their superiors. No one trusts a leader who cajoles and waffles. It encourages argument and plants doubt.

The truth is that I let my wife down by trying to please her, just as Adam, Abraham, and Moses let their wives down. I let her down, and I definitely let Marvin down. I know God forgives me, but I will never forget what I put Marvin through with my 20th-century feminist brainwashing. The things I saw and heard will live with me for the rest of my life, as they should. I deserve that.

It is inevitable that wives will rebel, but it wasn’t necessary for me to fail to lead properly, so who is more to blame?

I intend to be more forceful from now on. My family is depending on me, and so is Marvin.