Open the Locks and Let me in

My area is magnificent. It’s wonderful. It’s bliss. The people are conservative Christians. We don’t have a ghetto or street crime. Traffic is light. You don’t have to speak Spanish to live here. Beautiful.

But it’s a bagel desert. I feel like ranting.

Not long after I moved here, my dad and I visited the only bagel joint. I was used to having a nova bagel breakfast with him once a week, at a real deli. I figured Ocala had Jews, so there had to be nova bagels.

The place we tried is named Bagelicious. Had to be a good place for a nova bagel.

No. They had strawberry bagels and blueberry bagels and raisin bagels. Lots of sweet spreads. No nova.

It was disgusting. The bagels themselves were fine, but I never went back.

Today I checked the situation again, and there is a new place here: Jeff’s Bagel Run. A chain.

Surely a big chain would be hip, I thought.

I have looked at their online menu. No nova. No lox.

What is with this place? How can you serve bagels but not smoked salmon? It’s idiocy.

It reminds me of Austin, Texas. When I lived there, I found a place called something like The New York Deli. I thought I was in for a treat. I drove there, walked up to the counter to order, and asked the girl if they had lox. She said, “Locks? What are they?”

I drove home.

All those Jews teaching STEM courses at the University, a place calling itself a New York Deli, and no smoked salmon. Beyond insane.

What do I have to do? Move to Tel Aviv?

I better get back to work on my recipe. I don’t see myself getting a restaurant bagel any time soon.