Leading Democrats Express Concern

Was I wrong about the left’s response to the second Trump election? I was sure the usual spindly, stoned, spoiled white kids would be out in the streets burning buildings and attacking the cops by now, but it has not happened.

What’s going on? They have gone berserk so many times. Why not now?

I wonder if it’s because even leftists are tired of them. I saw that Oregon’s governor, a lefty wackjob (I didn’t actually check, but I am willing to guess) threatened to meet Antifa with the National Guard. Are Antifers intimidated because they think blue-state officials might actually do their jobs this time?

Maybe leftists are tired of Antifa because it was a fad. BLM seems to be drying up. Maybe kids no longer think it’s cool to post selfies and videos from riots, not because they have grown up, but simply because it has been done already, and other kids are not as impressed as they once were.

I just saw a video from Seattle, where a group of about two dozen black-clad punks with a combined chest measurement of 35 inches tried to buffalo a few bike cops. It went nowhere. They ended up wandering off, chanting some nonsense questioning the cops’ parentage.

Aren’t we supposed to refrain from shaming the unfathered?

Is the rain killing their drive? Leftist nut riots generally occur in decent weather. American leftists are soft. They may dress like the Viet Cong, but they cry when the cops intercept their Grubhub orders. Literally. Maybe they’re afraid rain will wash the food coloring out of their hair.

Riot-prone punks are generally drug users. Has the dope gotten so good, it destroys their motivation to leave the basement? We all know weed kills motivation, except for the motivation to eat Frito-Lay products.

Could it be they’re planning action for later, on the assumption it will surprise THE MAN, who was counting on post-election chaos?

I don’t think so. I don’t think they plan that far ahead. I think they are bad at thinking about the future. After all, Jew-hating leftists at Harvard showed their faces while expecting to receive legal internships in New York City. That’s like showing up for a job interview with an ankle bracelet.

Maybe they’re waiting for a spark. Someone has to go first and make protesting cool again. Someone has to get a whole bunch of likes for fighting the police naked or something.

Herd creatures don’t like to be the one who goes first.

Tiktok gals are telling other gals to poison men. Is that the new leftist intifada? The police can beat you up, and felony arrests can keep you out of cushy jobs, so perhaps it makes sense that crazy, unfulfilled women whose cats aren’t getting the job done would go on Tiktok with their faces uncovered and tell other women to poison husbands and boyfriends they will never actually have.

The poison girls practically worship a long-dead Italian lady who (probably not true) sold poison to women with abusive husbands. The poison is called aqua Tofana, and it contains lead, arsenic, and belladonna.

It’s not like we know these women had abusive husbands. It’s not like there were trials. Maybe their wealthy husbands abused them by not dying soon enough.

By the way, as long as we’re revealing top secret information, McDonald’s special sauce is thousand island dressing. I know you had no idea. Nearly every secret sauce is ketchup plus mayonnaise with or without pickle relish.

The Tiktok assassin wannabes tell other girls aqua Tofana is undetectable after the fact. And that is true. If it’s 1650 A.D.

Lead, arsenic, and belladonna can be detected with no problem, and this has probably been true for over a century.

Girls really are bad at science. I’m sorry.

I don’t know why anyone would think lead was a good poison. Pretty sure cigarettes are faster.

When I was young, I did not understand that lead was bad for us, and I liked the taste of it. Sometimes I chewed on lead split-shot fishing sinkers. You’re supposed to close split shots with pliers, but I used my teeth, and I noticed that lead was kind of tasty.

Maybe this explains a lot of things about me now. Anyway, I did not die or even get sick.

Opponents of the aqua Tofana movement have speculated that very few of these women have access to men on a regular basis, for reasons that are obvious when you watch their videos. But, as an Internet denizen said, going to Starbucks could be scary. And I’m not talking about the prices.

Where are these girls going to get arsenic? Amazon? Let me see. Let me search and put myself on yet another secret list.

Amazon lists a homeopathic medicine made from arsenic trioxide. It’s called arsenicum album, which probably means “white arsenic.” Given that it’s sold openly as a medicine, and the fact that it’s homeopathic, i.e. ineffective, this stuff can’t contain enough arsenic to change election outcomes.

“Homeopathic” is a funny way to spell “placebo.”

Well, this is something. I just found a 100-gram bottle of pure arsenic metal on Amazon for $380. God bless the Internet. I should have expected it.

I just checked, and I can buy a cobra online for $1,000. Not at Amazon, so forget free shipping.

Never doubt the power of online commerce. I can use Paypal. I can’t use Paypal to buy a box of .22 shorts, because Paypal thinks selling gun-related items is harmful to society. But I can get a highly venomous snake that will breed just fine in my yard.

I can buy an inland taipan. Look this thing up. It’s worse than 10 cobras. These things will chase you and bite you over and over until they’re dry.

They’re like long, skinny scorned women.

I don’t like gun control, but shouldn’t we have cobra control? Isn’t that obvious? A gun just sits around until someone uses it, and it can’t reproduce. It can’t eradicate or displace native species, either. We should be controlling dangerous animals like cobras, pit-type dogs, and Will Smith.

If the kooky aqua Tofana girls get serious, maybe some witch with the prerequisite nose hog ring, who works at a university chemistry lab, will start filching arsenic and mailing it around to girls who will end up poisoning themselves and their cats accidentally. Or maybe some girl who doesn’t know Amazon keeps records of sales will just order some.

I can already see the cop videos in my mind. Girls in cuffs, screaming “THEY SAID IT WAS UNDETECTABLE! Oh, and I CAN’T BREATHE!”

I don’t know why America hasn’t erupted in violence, but I am confident it will happen, because you can’t say we’ve changed just because Republicans won elections by small margins.

Maybe the riot-prone are avoiding important dates like the ones like January 6 and January 20. Maybe they’ll flip out and go berserk over minor provocations, when we don’t expect it. Maybe they’ll hear there will be no Barbie sequel.