Michael Jackson was an Amateur

The news is getting so weird.

Sean Combs is in jail right now, and he will be there until he is tried for a whole bunch of sex felonies. We all know that. But now a mid-tier celebrity is saying things that make it look like he could be the next to fall.

One of the annoying things about celebrities is that they never stop lying to us. One example: they plant stories about themselves. When you see a celebrity appearing in a torrent of stories, you can usually assume their publicity people are paying to have them placed.

Over the last couple of years, we’ve seen endless Yahoo stories about Liz Hurley posing in bikinis in spite of her advanced age. Yahoo didn’t ask for those stories. It’s not like an editor popped out of his office and yelled, “The public is begging to see an old woman in a bathing suit! Get me pictures!” No; Hurley paid somebody, and the people she paid called around and got the stories placed. Not that it helped her career, because the truth is that people don’t want to see aging women in bikinis.

Halle Berry has been doing the same thing. Over two decades ago, she got an inexplicable, undeserved Oscar for a dirty movie, and after that, her career failed to continue its upward trajectory. The placed stories and pictures seem like desperate attempts to keep her viable as a sex object and female lead while she continues to seek redeeming roles.

I don’t know anything about the country star Carrie Underwood, but for the last few years, Fox has carried endless stories about her. What she eats for breakfast. The secret to her slim, trim thighs. Her secret heartbreaks. What she likes to do with kale. Somebody was paid to place these stories. There is no way anyone at Fox discovered them and thought they were interesting.

Now Ashton Kutcher is suddenly in the news. We are told he is “terrified” Sean Combs will make up stories about him to divert attention from Combs’ own crimes.

Come on. No one believes that.

Kutcher has had a lot of bad PR in the last few years. His buddy Danny Masterson was convicted of two rapes, and Kutcher and his wife Mila Kunis got roasted for choosing to be Masterson’s character witnesses.

I don’t know if Masterson is guilty or not, because as far as I can tell, there was no physical evidence of coercion, a prior trial failed to produce convictions, and the rapes were reported long after they supposedly occurred. But Kutcher and Kunis apologized and said they didn’t question the verdicts.

Kutcher is trying to recover from the Masterson business, and now another friend has been charged with too many sex crimes and related crimes to list. Kutcher is one of the many celebrities accused to going to parties where sex crimes occurred.

I don’t think he’s afraid Combs will make up anything. Whatever Combs is guilty of, he isn’t known for making up stories in order to frame acquaintances and deflect attention from his own misdeeds. And there is no reason to think gossiping about Kutcher will help Combs in any way. What are prosecutors going to say? “Combs facilitated 300 rapes, but Kutcher went to a couple of parties and watched, so I guess we should let Combs go”?

The most likely explanation is that Kutcher did some ugly things at Combs’ parties (which may or may not have been crimes), he fully expects to be exposed, and he wants to poison the well. He wants to get in front of the scandal so when the stories come out, he can say, “See? I told you he would make up stories.”

Actually, he won’t be able to say he told us anything, because he’s having other people, who are nameless, accuse Combs. No accountability for Kutcher. He can say he had nothing to do with planting the story about Combs framing him.

Its seems childish to me, like the pathetic attempts Alec Baldwin made to defend himself and hang his friends after killing Halyna Hutchins. It seems like a strategy that would seem smart to an actor or an agent but silly to an attorney or federal agent.

I doubt Kutcher would personally violate anybody, but what if he watched approvingly while other people committed rape? People have lapses in judgment, especially when under the influence and surrounded by idiots. Kutcher used to use strong drugs.

When people hear the word “rape,” they think of illegals and homeless people dragging women into the bushes. Consensual sex with a drunk person can be rape. There are a lot of ways to rape consenting adults. At a Combs party, it would’t be hard to become an accomplice to rape, before or after the fact, while thinking you’re in the clear.

I think the big story here is that going to sex parties is not smart, even if you don’t care about sin. And it’s also interesting to see how depraved celebrities are. I’m one of those people who believed Scotty Bowers, Hollywood’s famous gay pimp, when he said just about everyone in show business back in his day was a pervert. I think showbiz has always been like this, and in the Middle Ages, people were right to drive actors out of towns.

Think about all the famous actresses who worked for Miramax and haven’t had anything negative to say about Harvey Weinstein. They’re vocal about everything else, from water bottles to global warming. Hmm.

Anyone who thinks actors aren’t low-lifes should read Errol Flynn’s autobiography. Read about Tallulah Bankhead, Mae West, Rock Hudson, and Marlene Dietrich.

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Now a lawyer is accusing Combs of having a 15-year-old boy perform oral sex on him, based on the promise Combs would make him a star.

The attorney says the list of victims includes names “we all know,” so it’s reasonable to expect the list of criminals to contain familiar names, too.

Where is the bottom of the rabbit hole? Maybe it doesn’t have one.