Even Better Than a Butt Lift and Taylor Swift Tickets

When I moved here, and I was looking after my dad, I was too careful with money sometimes, because most of his cash was tied up in unneeded properties that weren’t selling. I didn’t want to start dipping into my own money to deal with his problems, not knowing for sure that I would be the sole heir. What if I never got the money back? What if he proposed to an assisted living attendant?

I could have gotten rid of some dangerous trees on the property–trees I didn’t think I should cut on my own–but I was concerned about his liquidity. Every time hurricane season rolled around, instead of relaxing in safety, I counted on the odds to keep trees off my buildings. I couldn’t be completely calm. I lived for the day hurricane season ended, meaning I went through six months of rolling the dice.

I continued doing this until today. I just fixed the problem. I was going to get on it a year ago, but with all my wife’s immigration issues, I let a lot of things go.

Next week should be very, very interesting. I am paying for one and a half days of work from a crew with some very intimidating machinery. The guy who owns the company just came by, and we made a deal. He is going to do things like lifting full-grown oaks out of the ground. He is removing so much stuff, he wants to put it in three burn piles.

One burn pile will hold tons and tons of debris, so any job that fills three has to be big.

This is going to be very nice. We never, ever get hurricane-force winds here, but we do get tropical-storm-force winds sometimes, and they can knock trees down. If a tree hits your house, it’s a disaster at best, and because hurricanes damage so many houses, it can take forever to get repairs.

Insurance here is going nuts under Biden, and DeSantis hasn’t been able to fix it. I may not be able to insure my house at any price next time around. If I can insure, it will not be cheap. People with inferior properties are paying between $20,000 and $30,000 per year in some places. Suze Orman, the money guru, has a little high rise condo that can’t possibly be damaged by storms, and she says she refused to pay the $28,000 she was quoted. I’m not paying anything like that, but insurance costs me almost as much as property taxes.

Insurers blame storms for most of it. When I think about possible losses, I think a fair amount about theft, a little bit about fire, and a whole lot about storms. If the trees are removed, and the house doesn’t burn down, I can insure against theft on my own. I will not need storm insurance at all.

I might be able to retrofit a sprinkler system to make fire less of a problem, and I’m already doing a lot to keep burglars away. The political spirit of the area and the normality of the non-feminized males keep the relatively bright ones in terror, and the local cops openly say they like it when homeowners kill undocumented guests, so things could be worse.

When my dad bought this place, the appraiser raved about it. Underpriced, he said. That may have been true, but the driveway was looking shabby, the roof only had a couple of years of life in it, and the trees, he ignored. I now have a new driveway and roof. That should hold me for 20 years. The trees are the last major concern that has to be addressed. The rest is all piddly stuff.

When you buy a house, look at the trees around it, because in all likelihood, no one else will. How close are they to the foundation and the roof? How fast do they grow? How long do they live? How strong are they? Do the analysis before you buy so you won’t be sandbagged later. That’s my advice.

Man, I can’t wait. I arranged the work at the last minute. The first named storm will be here this month, barring a statistical anomaly. All the people who procrastinated worse than I did will be looking for tree surgeons, and they’ll be busy. I took too long, but I took care of business just in time, and I’m not paying the mid-season price.

I’m paying less than the cost of a year’s property insurance.

I am going to hate losing the shade, and the trees looked very nice. It’s worth it to know my wife and I will not even have to think about seeing our house crushed.

Removing some trees will help with the leaf problem here. Our oaks produce thick, heavy leaves that feel like leather. They sink in water. When you shoot a leaf blower at them, they actually seem to grip the ground harder. They resist mulching and raking. When you burn them, they burn for days and can’t be put out. They kill grass but somehow allow weeds to grow freely. I hate them. Destroying a dozen or so major leaf droppers should improve things a great deal. I’ve managed to make great progress with a mower mulching kit and the world’s most powerful backpack blower, but having fewer leaves would be better.

Maybe I could plant some decent trees to take their places. Mulberries. Bushy magnolias. Pecans. I’ll be ancient before they grow tall, but at least they’ll get a start.

As a person who loves tools, I am eager to see what kind of tree can lift a grown oak up out of the ground. Whatever it is, I want one.