Blessed

My wife and I are waiting for our first Thanksgiving turkey to come out of the oven.

I bone and stuff my turkeys. These days, the nannies of the world frown on stuffing the way they started frowning on non-neutered dogs in about 1980. For centuries, people stuffed birds and baked them, and all was good. Then we started hearing about salmonella and so on.

There are sites that say stuffed turkey is unsafe. Not really true, but making things worse, some also say stuffed turkey doesn’t taste as good. They say stuffing has to reach 165° in order to be safe, and they claim that by the time the stuffing is that hot, the turkey is dry.

Ridiculous.

I’m not sure why so many Thanksgiving turkeys come out dry, but my informed guess is that it’s because most people can’t cook.

When I shop for turkeys, I buy whatever the store has. Frozen, fresh, cheap, expensive, organic, chemically-enhanced…whatever. It doesn’t matter. They always come out perfect, so why look for a particular product?

If your turkey is dry, you probably cooked it at too high a temperature. It’s no wonder people do this. The Internet is full of sites mentioning figures like 350° and 425°. I would expect problems, too, if I were crazy enough to cook birds at temperatures like that.

I cook turkeys at 200° to 250°, depending on how I feel. Low and slow cooking doesn’t dry out the meat, and it makes it more tender. I take the bones out, season the meat, sew the bird up so it can hold stuffing, cram the stuffing in, sew it up, season the outside, plop it in a pan on a rack, cover it with foil, and put it in the oven.

When the stuffing gets up around 155°, I remove the foil and turn the heat up to brown the skin.

It works. It’s not brain surgery. Although it kind of is turkey surgery.

I use dental floss and an upholstery needle to do the sewing.

I’m no microbiologist, but I’m pretty sure a turkey’s important bacteria will die at 165° regardless of how long it took the turkey to get that hot. Maybe slow cooking encourages them to breed more energetically during roasting, but if they all die at 165°, what difference does it make?

I slow-cook all sorts of stuff. Barbecue that isn’t slow-cooked is disgusting. It’s like rubber. Barbecue was invented to make cheap, tough meat soft and tasty. The FDA lets restaurants do it. If it’s safe to eat a pork butt that took 12 hours to cook at 225°, it seems to me I should be able to eat a turkey that cooks for 4 hours at about the same temperature.

Anyway, no one has died so far, and a good stuffed turkey is worth a certain amount of gastrointestinal distress. And you have to die of something. Sooner or later.

Listen. They have antibiotics now.

Suddenly things that didn’t cause problems are considered dangerous. Shut up and let me eat my paint chips in peace.

I made pecan pie and sweet potato pie, as I wrote yesterday. I think next time I may add some pumpkin to the sweet potato pie, to get the best of both worlds. I hope I did okay.

I made green beans with homemade salt pork. I cured it and smoked it myself. I simmered the beans nearly to death and then put them in the fridge. They’re always better the next day.

I made cranberry relish. I used to think I used pretty much the same recipe as everyone else, but Googling suggests I do not. I chop the berries up with oranges and pecans, and then I pour in cherry Jell-O and sugar. I also add Grand Marnier. I don’t cook the berries.

It has worked well so far, but I think it’s pretty hard to mess up cranberry relish.

I still have to make mashed potatoes and yams. After that, I am done.

We will be drinking Korbel brut. When I was in college, I considered this my cheap champagne for nights when I was not feeling picky, but it seems like it’s way better now, so I don’t see much point in buying French. I like it better than Cordon Rouge for sure.

The only concern now is whether my wife likes American Thanksgiving food. Even if I make it well, there is no guarantee it will suit her.

I hope everyone is having a wonderful Thanksgiving, and that they have as much to thank God for as I have.