It’s Actually a First-Strike Weapon

I never thought I’d sink this low. Today I’m on the web looking at purses.

I have some money coming in, and my wife still needs to put a foundation under her wardrobe. She has some Michael Kors bags, but my unqualified guess as a straight (i.e. normal) male is that every American woman should have one big classic purse that isn’t a billboard for giant designer logos. I think it’s okay to have an old-style Vuitton bag with little V’s and L’s on it, but other than that, you should not be paying high prices to look like some greedy foreigner’s wind dancer.

My mother did not have the greatest taste. I have come to terms with this in my old age. I thought she had good taste, because it was something she talked about a lot, but she didn’t. Eastern Kentucky left its mark. She had a king size bed with a cast-iron headboard, painted gold, with a 6-foot-wide artificially antiqued mirror.

Oddly, her mother, who was an adult before she had a bathtub and didn’t cut her hair until her father died, had very good taste. I never realized what good taste my grandmother had until I got real about my mother’s taste. My grandmother got a new house in 1965, and apart from the couch my grandfather slept on for about 6 hours a day, it was decorated very well. She had a comfortable family room plus an elegant living room and dining room. She had silver and china. Her colors were subdued. Two of the four bedrooms were full of antiques. Not bad at all.

My mother had three wedding rings. The first was a simple band she lost while gardening. She got my friends and me to search for it, but it never turned up. My dad got her a pretty atrocious Lucien Piccard gold watch, plus a matching ring, in around 1968, and eventually he got her a bland and inoffensive ring set. When my mother died, my sister took the set, which is ridiculous, because when it comes to single people, only a lesbian needs a wedding ring. You leave your wedding ring to your son, period.

She also had a gold Rolex with a bright green Malachite face and diamonds around the bezel. Which my sister eventually pawned. A Rolex doesn’t need diamonds around the face. The green face was a little over the top, but not too bad for a woman.

She had lots of very heavy gold chains. I never thought about it while she was alive, but once I started buying gold for my wife, I realized a) how excessive the chains were, and b) how much my sister wasted when she took them and ended up pawning them. A pretty small gold chain will run you $1200 or more these days.

I’m not saying my mother looked like Mr. T at his peak, but she definitely overdid it. I don’t know if she wore the chains all at once, like my sister did. When I started buying stuff for my wife, I felt I should use my mother’s possessions as guides, but thankfully, I now understand that it’s not necessary to get a woman jewelry that will give her a backache.

Here’s a tip about women: when they’re single, they dress partly to get men and partly for another reason. When they’re married, they dress solely for the other reason, and that reason is to make other women feel bad and wish they were dead. Men don’t realize this, but women look at each others clothing, shoes, and jewelry and rank themselves accordingly. If a woman’s outfit doesn’t make other women want to shrink into the floor and cut themselves, it’s a failure.

This is really true, even if it sounds funny. It’s kind of sick. It’s one of those things women don’t tell men about, like how your car really does matter.

Women also dress their husbands to hurt other women. Go figure. Remember all those times your wife tried you to get Bruno Maglis when you were totally happy with running shoes? Now you know what was on her mind.

Maybe my mother really liked big chains, but my suspicion is that she just wanted to compete in the arms race and also store up portable wealth.

My mother had one power item that was actually a good idea: a big Vuitton bag with a shoulder strap. The little letters weren’t obtrusive, and it lasted and lasted. My sister probably wears it today, wherever she is, unless there is a market for pawned Vuitton bags.

So anyway, here I am, looking for something for the wife, and I haven’t found it yet. I think my mom’s bag was a Vuitton Boulogne, but I’m not sure. The one I saw online doesn’t seem the same.

Maybe I won’t be able to find one. That would be fantastic, because there are big-name companies that make quality stuff for way less. You can have like 5 Dooney & Bourkes for one Vuitton. She needs something classic, timeless, and very sturdy. It doesn’t have to be super-expensive. A few bags fitting this description would make up as good a gift as one Vuitton.

My wife actually likes it when I choose stuff for her, because I have proven I’m good at it. Like I always say, I have very good taste; I just choose not to use it. I walk around in Rural King T-shirts, hiking shoes, Carhartt shorts, and lovely wool socks. My appearance could ground a competency hearing.

I never wear anything fancy these days. I wore a tie for my Zoom wedding. Prior to that, my last dress-up episode was in 2019, when my dad died.

I’m not even sure I dressed up for that.

I have to stop looking at this stuff. I sat through two legal education videos this morning. That’s enough suffering for anyone.