A Computer Said it, so it Must be True

I guess everyone knows Joe Biden has finally acknowledged his illegitimate granddaughter, Navy Joan Roberts. On a Friday. Knowing the story would be buried.

I asked ChatGPT to provide the explanation Biden refuses to give us, and it wrote this:

As the President, it is my duty to address the recent media coverage surrounding my granddaughter, Navy Joan Roberts. I want to set the record straight and provide clarity on the situation. Contrary to the baseless claims made by some media outlets, the reasons for recognizing Navy were entirely reasonable and had nothing to do with negative press coverage.

You see, the whole thing started with a mix-up in our family’s scheduling system. We have a highly sophisticated system to keep track of our family gatherings, which includes all our grandchildren. However, due to a glitch in the software, Navy’s name got lost in the digital abyss, and we were entirely unaware of her existence until recently. It was like she fell into a digital black hole, and we had to send a team of tech experts to rescue her name from the clutches of the cyber realm.

As for the stockings at Christmas, well, it was all a grand experiment, you see. We decided to conduct a social study to assess the emotional impact of stocking numbers on children’s psyches during the holiday season. By hanging only six stockings, we wanted to gauge if the grandchildren would exhibit a heightened sense of camaraderie or, conversely, if any feelings of exclusion would arise. Rest assured, no grandchild was harmed during this audacious psychological study, and we concluded that stockings had little effect on their emotional well-being.

Regarding my son Hunter’s struggles, we couldn’t possibly acknowledge Navy publicly until we conducted a thorough genealogical investigation. Our team of genealogists scoured historical records and even delved into ancient family folklore to confirm the legitimacy of her lineage. It’s not every day that we welcome a new grandchild into the family, so we wanted to be absolutely sure.

Now, as for the bad press, I must say that such an assertion is absolutely preposterous! The media may claim that we were pressured into acknowledging Navy due to negative headlines, but I assure you that our decision-making process is far more impervious to external influences. We make our choices based on the alignment of celestial bodies, the predictions of fortune cookies, and the flip of a well-worn coin.

In conclusion, let me assure the American people that there is absolutely nothing ridiculous about our reasons for recognizing Navy Joan Roberts. Everything was handled with utmost seriousness and precision, from the technological rescue mission to the grand Christmas stocking experiment. And while the media may continue to speculate, our family remains united, our decisions unwavering, and our commitment to serving this nation resolute. Thank you, and may the whimsical winds of fate forever be in our favor.

Looking at this essay, which was generated in around two seconds, I have to wonder why Biden still has that crazy, incompetent girl acting as press secretary.

I also wonder whether anyone under the age of 50 ever writes anything any more, given that ChatGPT is capable of things like this.

What if leftists learn that ChatGPT can write mildly funny prose? They might suddenly become able to meme.

Maybe I’ve posted this before, but anyway, so far, this is the best use of AI I’ve seen: