Cancel the Corn Cobs and Sears Catalogs

One nice thing about living in the woods is that my neighbors can’t see me when I go outside and dance for joy.

I finally got my new toilet installed.

Man, what a pain this was. Should have been a one-hour job, but some Nobel candidate decided to save three minutes while installing the previous toilet. He left the flange sticking up too high, and he put granite-like brown grout on the tile to hold the toilet up. I had to remove the grout, which took forever, and then I broke my flange because it was too high. I overtightened the bolts while trying to get the bowl to settle. I had to repair the flange.

I started my one-hour installation yesterday and just finished a few minutes ago, late in the afternoon.

I have learned some stuff that could be helpful to other people whose toilets were not installed by thoughtful, honest, or responsible individuals. Not all of it applies to people whose toilets were installed correctly. I think my advice is good. Maybe not, but it worked for me.

1. Don’t run out and buy the fanciest toilet ring kit on the market. Not unless you’re positive your flange is no more than 1/4″ above the level of the floor. Fancy ring kits have extra plastic or metal plates in them, not to mention weird gaskets that stand up, so they will not let a bowl sit as low as a plain old wax ring. Instead of buying one $12 kit, buy 5 $2 rings. You may screw one or more rings up when you install the toilet. It’s better to return unused rings later than to find yourself cursing at 10 p.m. on a weekend night because the only ring you bought is ruined.

2. The flange does not attach the toilet to the floor. Weight does most of that. Do not tighten your toilet base nuts like you’re trying to cap an oil well. Don’t listen to crusty old jack-of-all-trades characters who tell you different. Just get the nuts good and snug. Flanges are cheap and weak, and they break easily when the nuts are too tight. The boss under the toilet that fits into the poo pipe holds the toilet in place, and the bolts are only there to prevent it from rotating and tilting. It doesn’t take much force to get the job done. Replacing or repairing a broken flange can be a nightmare job that involves cutting concrete or removing part of a ceiling. Don’t risk it for no reason.

3. If you break a PVC flange, don’t buy a new one unless you’re positive the old one is hopeless. Get yourself some PVC primer and cement instead. Clean the break with a good solvent, prime it, and glue the flange back together. PVC cement literally melts PVC, so if you use it correctly, your new joint will be just as strong as unbroken PVC from the factory. I broke my flange yesterday, and then I realized I had overtightened it. Today I glued it back together, and it worked fine.

4. Do NOT try to fix a rocking toilet by piling grout, cement, epoxy, or anything else under the bowl. Not unless you have a flange that is very hard to replace. A toilet is supposed to be supported all the way around the bottom, and your fix will focus the pressure on a few spots. You want the toilet to rest directly on the floor. Grout will also make a big mess that may show the next time you install a toilet. It may have a smaller base than your old toilet.

Removing old grout from tile is no fun whatsoever. If your toilet is too high, find out if lowering the flange is easy in your case, and if so, have a plumber lower it. It probably won’t run more than $300, and you will only have to do it once in your lifetime. Make sure he uses the best flange available.

Once your flange is right, you and your heirs will never have to pay anyone to install a toilet again, because it will be easy.

5. If a slacker painted every part of your bathroom except the wall behind your toilet tank, make sure you measure your new toilet and see to it that it’s as big as the old one. Otherwise, you’ll have to paint over the parts that show. If you’re building a house, paint before installing the toilets.

6. When you seal around the bottom of the toilet, don’t seal the back. You want a gap to let water out in case of problems. Also, get a profiling tool to shape the silicone, and use a spray bottle of soapy water to make the tool leave a nice finish.

I’m not positive my new toilet’s poo pipe is sealed up well. I am still getting the hang of installing toilets on wax rings, so I had to move the toilet around a lot while I was putting it in place. Before the first shakedown cruise with live ammunition, I am flushing it over and over to see if any water comes out from the base. If so, I’ll get more wax rings and reinstall it as many times as it takes.

I’ve been thinking of looking at European websites to see how they install toilets. I’m curious I can’t make myself believe everyone on Earth uses the same stupid system we do.

I cannot wait to take the old toilet to the landfill. It will be like getting a divorce decree after a long, bad marriage.