My Liberal Toilets are Al Gore’s Revenge

Why is it that leftists keep making it harder for people to stay clean?

Hygiene really sets conservatives and leftists apart. We keep seeing leftist celebrities bragging that they don’t bathe much. Ashton Kutcher, for example, says he never showers. Brad Pitt is notorious for stinking. Leftists push low-flow shower heads that make good rinsing difficult. They stuck us with efficient washing machines that put mold in our clothes no matter what we do to fix the problem.

Today’s beef: low-flow toilets.

My house has, if my count is correct, 4 Briggs Vacuity toilets. They date from around 2000. They were efficient for their time. The design is moronic. Each toilet has some kind of upside-down jug in the tank, and it sits on a vacuum tube. Don’t ask me what it does. You can buy a Toto low-flow toilet that works perfectly and doesn’t have a lot of gadgetry in the tank. Vacuity toilets also have plastic liners inside their tanks, and the water goes into the liner so it doesn’t fill the entire tank.

The Briggs company realized these toilets were stupidly engineered, so they decided the smart thing was to quit supporting them. If you have one and it fails, you are on your own.

They will not accept Korky valves, which are the most common valves on Earth. You have to buy a weird Fluidmaster valve that costs twice as much. And when you install a new valve, it will leak where it enters the tank because it has to go through the porcelain as well as the thick plastic liner.

My toilet developed a leak last year. My answer was to install a giant rubber washer outside the tank, along with a layer of silicone. It worked until the valve went bad. Then minerals clogged the valve up, and acid didn’t fix it. I had to put in a new valve. It leaked like the first one, and my solution didn’t work any more.

Today I took the tank off the toilet, removed the plastic liner, put the liner on the band saw, and cut off the half the valve occupied. Then I put everything back together. The valve doesn’t leak, but the gaskets do. They’re old. I had to order new ones.

My low-flow toilet is now a high-flow toilet, but at least I can use it. When I get the new gaskets in, I mean.

Now I have a decision to make, and if you’re a sane (non-leftist) person, you may understand what I’m talking about. Do I replace these stupid toilets now, while there are still some decent toilets available, or do I take a chance and wait for them to fail, knowing that leftists will eventually remove all good toilets from the market?

If they have their way, we’ll all be pooping in biodegradable boxes made from locally sourced wood and throwing the poop out our windows. Or we’ll have to keep it until the leftist poop truck comes around once a month to collect it so it can be used to make organic adobe or something.

Think I’m kidding? You’d understand if you owned a diesel truck or tractor. My truck is a 2007, and it has none of the horrible technology that came on the next year’s models. My friend Mike has a 2014 Mercedes, and he has to buy a ridiculous fluid and pour it in his car all the time. I don’t even know what it is. Something to do with the exhaust gases.

Newer diesels have something called a regeneration cycle, and people complain these cycles start at the worst possible times. They say the new green parts fail and cause all sorts of problems. Old tractors and trucks are highly sought after because of the problems the new ones have.

I’m amazed by the bathing thing. Leftists like to tell us our bodies produce important oils our skin needs in order to be healthy. No, they don’t! That’s insane. When you don’t bathe often, oil, grease, dead skin, salt, bacteria, urine, feces, and fungus accumulate on your skin, and you get acne, ingrown hairs, and boils. It’s worse if you’re a woman. because you have one more opening that produces secretions.

Yes, you can be healthy bathing every few days instead of every day, but you’ll smell, and skin oil will stain your clothes. And you’ll feel bad. Here’s something I’ve realized: I don’t have to bathe every day in order to be healthy. I have to bathe every day in order to feel good. If I don’t bathe, I feel crusty. I can feel yesterday’s salt, oil, and grease on my skin and hair. And if I bathed as rarely as Ashton Kutcher, I’d be miserable, and I’d probably have pimples and boils.

The Japanese are obsessed with quality defecation. They are the masters of toilet design and construction. I’m thinking of getting a Toto Ultramax one-piece comfort height toilet. Toto is Japanese. I’ve had two of their toilets before. They were great.

One-piece toilets are better than two-piece toilets. They have fewer parts, and they last longer. “Comfort height” means the seat is about like a chair, so you don’t have to lower yourself as far. Some people think you can’t poop correctly unless you squat like a savage, but it’s not true unless you have some kind of medical problem, and once you get old, you’ll need a higher toilet anyway, so why wait?

If you’re convinced you have to squat to poop correctly, you can always put your feet on a couple of blocks. Beats having to have someone help you off the toilet. When my dad was failing, I had to install a special raised seat, and life would have been better had the entire toilet been taller in the first place.

I’m not sure what to get, but a tall toilet seems like like it will be less likely to wear out its welcome.

To sum up, leftism ruins everything, including personal hygiene and toilets. Toilets are likely to get worse, so if your toilets are in bad shape, try not to wait till there are no good ones left. Celebrities smell. I guess that’s about all.