Just Let me Brew

My first 6-gallon Megamouth Torpedo ball lock keg is still not here, and I feel like my life cannot continue until it arrives.

Have you ever been in a situation like this? You want or need something, you order it figuring it will arrive in an acceptable amount of time so you won’t lose your mind, and then it keeps being delayed and delayed and delayed.

I ordered two Nukatap beer faucets 17 days ago. Amazon and UPS kept telling me they were coming. They were almost here. “Get ready.” “We really mean it.” They were out for delivery. “Honest.”

Then they weren’t out for delivery any more. They were coming after the weekend. Then they were coming a few days later. Then they didn’t have a date, but they were still sure. They were coming. Of course, I never got them.

I ordered a keg 13 days ago, which is a long time in a world where stuff commonly arrives in three days. I used Morebeer.com, which is usually a pretty good site. For days, they did nothing. I contacted them, and suddenly, the keg was on the way.

All this time, I was losing brewing days. I was afraid I would run out of beer, and I didn’t want to use my existing equipment to brew more. I kept thinking, “It will be here tomorrow. I can wait one more day.”

Then the keg arrived, and it was the wrong size. They sent a new one, and it’s supposed to arrive today. Wonder what size it will be.

Eight days ago, I decided I really wanted three kegs, so I ordered another. I used an Ebay seller who had been okay with earlier buys. As of today, Ebay says the kegs have shipped. Oops; wait. “Shipped” means a shipping label has been printed. The kegs have gone nowhere.

Yesterday I went ahead and made a batch of stout. I used one of my plastic buckets. It will be fine, but a keg is easier to use and clean. It will cool faster when I fill it with hot wort and throw it in the pool. You can’t pitch yeast into wort when it’s hot, so it’s a pain when it takes a long time to cool.

Today, Fedex says Morebeer’s replacement is out for delivery. Am I supposed to believe it?

I have ingredients for a lager. I want to get it going. I really, truly do not want to use a bucket. I want to ferment under pressure, and that means a keg.

Pressure won’t make the beer any better, but it will speed it up. So I’m delaying brewing so I can speed it up. Not sure that makes sense.

I need to learn about pressure brewing because if it works as it should, I plan to make it my default method for lagers. It’s not great for ales because pressure discourages the formation of flavor chemicals that give ales their reason to exist. If I can’t brew under pressure, I can’t learn, so all I get from my next batch is beer.

Back when I wrote the recipe, I called it “Death Hop Lager.” This impressively witty name was intended to reflect the use of a ton of hops. It came in at around 60 IBU’s, which is kind of a lot. Budweiser, which has several similarities to beer, is said to reach about 10.

I am planning to do a version which runs around 43 IBU’s. I think a 60-IBU lager is more of a message or a protest than a beer, although it was very good.

More

The keg finally arrived. Of course, Fedex left it at the end of the driveway, 100 yards away, even though they have the gate code.

Right now, I have a wheat beer and an improved American Lager kegged and chilling. I have a stout which should be ready in 5 days. Because the keg is here, I’m in a position to make the lager I was talking about. Things are settling down. I have three acceptable brews on tap, two more should be ready to drink in no more than two days, a stout should be ready in a week, and a lager should be ready in two to three weeks.

I am almost at the point where I don’t have to be concerned that I’ll have to drink one beer over and over because nothing else is ready and everything else has been consumed or poured down the sink due to brewing problems.

I’m not sure what to call the improved lager. I think I’ll call it “Great Again Lager,” but I’m not sure. The wheat beer is full of esters, so I may call it “Aunt Ester Ale.” I’m considering calling my improved American lager “Yard Boss.” I thought about calling it “Lawn Ranger” and “John Beere,” but those names were taken. As was Mowinbrau. “Mower Low Life” isn’t taken.

Things are coming online. My draft system is becoming stable and reliable. I’m developing a stockpile of beers.

Being impeded is very annoying, but I’m winning, and God is on my side, so everything is fine.

Don’t try to tell me you don’t like “Aunt Ester Wheat Ale.” You know you love it.