Greetings, Fellow Racist Pigs

As part of my program of submitting to wokational traing and becoming as woke-tified as humanly possible, I am here to deliver my daily whiteness confession. I just caught myself whistling “Jingle Bells” in the kitchen.

As you surely must know, if you were educated according to Wokandan guidelines, “Jingle Bells” is a racist anthem, and anyone who sings it or plays it or whistles it in his kitchen full of WHITE cabinets is a vile racist of the lowest order.

Being a racist, I had no idea “Jingle Bells” was problematic until a day or two ago, when I read that a school board somewhere had banned it from schools, right before issuing a bulleting declaring that it had not, in fact, been banned. It had merely been removed from consideration for being sung in schools, which is totally not a ban.

It seems like a ban to me, but then I am a racist, so my opinion is white and therefore invalid.

The explanation seems to be that “Jingle Bells” was performed by minstrels during the 19th century. Also, it contains references to snow, and, well, do I even have to explain?

I know my caucasian contributions don’t mean anything, but I have to wonder if we’ve gone far enough. Minstrels used musical instruments. Shouldn’t we ban those? Especially instruments like the banjo, which are mostly white. We should also ban the clarinet, because it’s black, and white musicians force it to do their will. The black clarinet makes all the noise, and the white man gets all the money.

Minstrels often wore hats and gloves, so those must be white supremacist symbols. Maybe we should abandon clothing entirely. After all, guess who used to pick cotton?

I told my African wife about “Jingle Bells,” and she thought the whole thing was asinine, but then she’s a sellout race traitor who married the problem of whiteness.

I feel bad about typing the phrase “Jingle Bells.” It’s incredibly offensive and packed with triggeration. Maybe we should come up with something less inappropriate. How about “Jinga Bells”? Totally different. Or we could just say “The JB-Song.”

It’s getting really hard to parody wokism. No matter what implausible excess you conjure up, you will usually find it has already been outdone by reality. Life has become an Ionesco play.

In other apocalypse-related news, I just learned that a bill has been PASSED (not merely proposed) that will require new cars to contain remotely-accessible kill switches. Also, cars will have to be able to “monitor” our performance to determine whether we are “impaired.”

This is beautiful. Saw it coming. So did everyone else who wasn’t in a coma. I think it’s fantastic, because it means our totalitarian near-future, and by extension, the apocalypse and man’s need to repent and get to know God, are being rubbed in our noses. We need that.

They already know where we go, using government cameras, private security cameras, cell phone records, computerized tolls, license tag scanners, and those obvious roadside sensors they have never explained to us. Now they will be able to keep us from going.

Let’s see. There are states with voter registration systems that work off driver’s licenses. All cars have to be registered, too, so they know who owns which cars. If you’re not a Democrat, the Deep State will be able to limit or end your driving privileges by pushing buttons a long way off. Won’t that be nice?

What if conservatives want to have a rally in a known location? Sorry. Might have to walk while Antifa and BLM drive. What if civil war comes, and the leftist side has the power to turn the opposition into pedestrians?

What if you really need to run from the government? That’s not crazy talk. The government is going full-throttle Nurse Ratched. If prophecy pans out the way it looks like it will, imprisonments and beheadings will be real possibilities for dissidents before long. If you want to save yourself, you’ll be limited to rollerblades.

What if the Deep State just plain thinks you drive too much? So much carbon! What if they decide you get a thousand miles per month, and you hit the thousand mark a week early? What a great concept. Rationing liberty.

Don’t worry about hackers, though. Our government knows how to keep them out of sensitive systems. It’s not like they’ve ever gotten into networks belonging to government agencies, OVER AND OVER.

So if you have a crazy ex-husband who’s into murder-suicide, don’t worry. He will never be able to pay a pimply non-binary to shut your engine down while you’re trying to beat him to a police station.

The kill switches will never go off accidentally, either. Computers never crash or malfunction. You’ll never get stuck in your truck 40 miles from the nearest city in below-zero weather.

We can now look forward to a future in which we have to beg and comply in order to use our vehicles. If coronavirus persists and gets worse, it will be a perfect storm. No stores or restaurants for you without a vaccine passport. No driving, either.

This stuff is all going to happen. You need to accept it and stop hoping Trump’s AR-15 army will save America. The new Nuremberg era started years ago.

We have already been crippled on social media. Governors and mayors have assumed powers no one ever thought they had 5 years ago. Corporations are turning against us. White people have almost disappeared from TV commercials. Churches have been shut down.

You may think things aren’t that bad right now. Well, they weren’t that bad for Jews when the Nazis began taking their rights away incrementally. Things got worse for the Jews, and they will get worse here for anyone who seems to be associated with Bible-believing Christianity. And the Jews. They never escape notice.

When things really hit the fan, you may have no car, no credit cards, a frozen bank account, no cell service, no electricity or water, and a face that has been fed into the Antichrist’s nifty nationwide or global facial-recognition database.

It’s disgusting how tech-minded, God-dismissing people want to turn us into a big colonial organism with a digital nervous system that connects all the parts. It’s amazing they have so much faith in the collective. Governments are stupid and cruel. History shows us that. It should be obvious that we need distancing from each other and the coercion forced intimacy brings. We need government with inefficiency and blind spots. We need to be able to get away with things sometimes.

Tech people tend to be sort of autistic about the way social groups act. They lack empathy. They are ignorant of the lessons history has taught us about authoritarianism. They are not aware that government is inherently evil and has to be restrained.

They will learn, the same way all proud, ignorant people learn. From their own self-destruction. Their colonial organism will favor them at first, because they’ll design favor into it, but it will turn on them. No one can count on the approval of an authoritarian collective for life. Ask Leon Trotsky.

You can’t remain one of the cool kids forever.

I don’t want to be closer to humanity. I don’t want other people’s reeking, putrid values or their stupid, peer-pressure-based, wrong opinions. I will never be part of the “family.” If your global family is bound together by wires and satellites, I reject it. I don’t care what you ate today; I don’t want to see it on Facebook. I don’t want to know what airheads like Chrissy Teigen, George Takei, and Greta Thunberg think of my ethos.

The walls of the fishbowls we live in are getting thinner every day, so my advice is to prepare to abandon ship. You’re not going to come to a peaceful equilibrium with the children of Satan. Equilibrium has never interested their father.