Having Ruined Christmas, the Left Moves on to New Year’s Day

The habitual victims among us now have something new to feel bad about! Surely this is cause for rejoicing, because feeling bad is their bag.

It’s kind of surprising I didn’t see this coming. It turns out New Year’s Day is racist!

Some delightful person who works for The Daily Beast just wrote an article saying that in the state of Rhode Island, New Year’s Day was known for a statewide orgy of slave transfers. A sort of Black Friday, but not the kind where you come home with a video game console. Evidently, the event wasn’t limited to Rhode Island. It was a nationwide thing. New Year’s Day was called Hiring Day, and it is said that on Hiring Day, slaves were commonly sold for year-long terms, after which they went back to their owners.

If there is anything to be praised about this article, it’s the astounding admission that Northerners had slaves. They always pretend 1) there were never any slaves in the North, 2) Northerners never profited from slavery after it was banned in their states, and 3) Southerners invented the institution of slavery.

Hello? All of the colonies permitted slavery at first, and Northerners have always had lots of investments below the Mason-Dixon line. Southerners have a long history of selling their natural resources to Northerners for pennies. Maybe a few people have heard the name “Andrew Carnegie.”

Here’s the money part: :

When the American Revolution began in 1775, “Rhode Island was the largest slave trading colony in British America,” according to Leonardo Marques, author of The United States and the Transatlantic Slave Trade to the Americas.

Mike drop. Bazinga.

Is it true? Could be. The fact that a liberal quoted it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a lie.

Slaves were afraid they would be rented out on New Year’s Day, if the story is true, and they feared their families would be broken up.

Okay, that was extremely bad. Over a century and a half ago. It’s 2021.

About a third of the Jewish people were exterminated around 80 years ago, and the Jews were pretty much back on their feet 20 years later. Just saying. I have never had a Jewish person accost me and tell me I should be ashamed of myself because America rejected Jewish refugees fleeing Hitler. America did that, but no one has ever tried to make me feel like it was my fault.

For God’s sake; the Germans, Japanese, and Vietnamese have forgiven America.

It doesn’t matter, because it’s official now: we are no longer allowed to celebrate the new year. Just stop. You’re probably too hung over to celebrate, but if you were starting to feel better, knock it off. Racist scum.

I’m glad this happened, because I had this feeling there were still too many things left for people to enjoy.

I don’t celebrate New Year’s Eve because it’s one of the dumbest holidays of the year, and also because I like knowing where I am when I wake up, but I’m glad to see someone is working to make sure no one else has fun.

Several black people have texted to wish me a happy new year today. Those racist jerks! Clearly, they are white supremacists. At best, they are Uncle Toms. I need to put some white liberals in touch with them to happiness-shame them and teach them the correct way to be black.

Groundhog Day comes in one month. I’ll be ready. I’ll have my offense face on. I shouldn’t have to explain why Groundhog Day is racist. That’s obvious. At least it’s not as bad as Valentine’s Day, when men give women packages wrapped in red, to symbolize the blood of the slaves, and the women chew up chocolates which just happen to be BROWN. Some women receive diamonds. You know where those come from. AFRICA!

My computer is racist! I’m typing little black letters, forcing them to serve me, on a big white page symbolizing white privilege! Why didn’t I see this before? Those poor little letters probably only get 5% of the page.

I’m typing on stolen screen space!

I hope everyone is suitably miserable today. I am, and it feels great.