Movies This Bad Should Come With Warning Labels

I just want to warn the other inhabitants of Earth: do NOT believe the good reviews critics gave for Amazon’s The Lost City of Z.

I felt like watching a mindless adventure/action movie with a pizza, so I went through a bunch of reviews, trying to find something suitable. Something on a par with Pacific Rim or the Spider-Man movies. I tried to find lists of action movies at Rotten Tomatoes, based on audience score. Their audience ratings are the only reliable ratings I’ve ever seen.

Naturally, they refuse to provide such lists. Instead you get Tomatometer scores. The Tomatometer is based on reviews from critics who are, hello, on the take and notoriously wokationified. Even in 2021, critics want to tell you what to watch, and studios tell critics what to recommend.

I found a review for The Lost City of Z, and it looked good. Something about a British explorer on a quest to find a lost advanced civilization in the Amazon basin. I figured it would be sort of like Lost Horizon. A starving explorer would be dragged through an invisible portal into a magnificent city and so on. Sort of like Wokanda, except hopefully less ridiculous.

The movie is nothing like that. It’s based on the story of a real British army officer. It’s unbelievably boring. It’s over two hours long even though it contains enough legitimate material for a 4-minute Youtube video.

The explorer is played by Charlie Hunnam. Until a minute ago (Wikipedia), I had no idea he was British, because he does a really bad British accent. I realize this makes no sense, but he sounded like an American actor who used an incompetent accent coach. Some actors just can’t relax and sound natural. I guess he’s one of them.

Obviously, spoilers are coming, not that you should care. Hunnam is sent into the forest, way up into Bolivia, in order to draw a map and somehow prevent a war between Bolivia and Brazil. During the trip, he finds some pottery fragments and ugly, crude sculptures. A native tells him there used to be a big city with golden stuff, and the junk he finds convinces him it’s true.

He is ridiculed in England, because the very idea that Indians could make pottery and be as smart as white people is just too outrageous and liberal. When I saw this part, I realized why critics pretended to like the movie and gave it affirmative action. It was about brilliant Indians who run around naked and fat, bigoted white people who eat meat and have big carbon footprints.

Why does wokeness have to ruin everything? Can’t we have honest movie reviews? Did crooked reviews for this appalling movie help Indians in Bolivia? Is anyone stupid enough to believe that? Was I supposed to come away from over two hours of torture hating caucasians?

There have actually been entertaining movies that blamed white people for the world’s problems. If you’re going to revise history, it’s not a good excuse for being bad at your job. You can’t say you needed to make a lame movie in order to advance leftism. Even lies can be told skillfully and in an engaging manner.

Have you heard of an amazing ancient Bolivian civilization? No. This means you know how the movie ends. Whatever the big discovery is, it’s not Mexico City all over again. Wikipedia says the actual explorer, Percy Fawcett, failed utterly. I am not willing to watch the rest of the movie to find out how Amazon handled that.

Fawcett’s son went back to South America with him, and they both died. Who wants to see that?

Their big discoveries indicating advancement among Indian tribes were a field of crops planted in rows, and the ability to catch fish by poisoning them. I can totally understand why a person might wonder if they had a space program. The fact that they didn’t have metals, the wheel, or clothing might be considered contrarian evidence, as would their habits of killing people for no reason and eating dead bodies.

Some societies just don’t get much done. Let’s accept it and move on.

There is also a pointless scene in which the explorer’s wife has a loud fight with him because she wants to go. Women can do everything men can do! Remind me of that the next time a man with his testicles sliced off breaks a women’s sports record. It should be this coming month, and again, perhaps several times, the month after that.

Girls are just as good as boys. What a revolutionary message. I remember how exciting it was when I saw it expressed for the first time. I believe it was in 1967, on The Andy Griffith Show,when Andy’s girlfriend beat him at bowling. Still so fresh and relevant in new movies, over 50 years later. I can’t get enough of it. Until I saw this movie, I honestly thought women would get too uppity if we let them wear shoes.

The criminal who wrote this movie clearly thought the woke lady scene was important, even though it brings the movie to a halt and has no relevance to anything that happens later. Wonder Woman stays home when her husband goes back to Bolivia to become the main dish at a barbecue.

This movie really stinks. Do not watch it under any circumstances. I cannot stress this enough: it is not good.

Someone could get rich buying the Rotten Tomatoes audience ratings and using them to provide online guides to movies people actually liked. Meanwhile, critics and other social engineers will keep telling us what they think we SHOULD like.

In closing, CHINESE VIRUS CHINESE VIRUS CHINESE VIRUS CHINESE VIRUS CHINESE VIRUS CHINESE VIRUS CHINESE VIRUS.

Thank you for your time.