That Foot is Me

It has been a while since I had an interesting project. I started a new one today. I am determined to rid myself of excess squirrels, so I came up with a new trap design.

Actually, I’m fixing an old design. Not long ago, I found that squirrels were chewing on my expensive aluminum gate, so I went to Tractor Supply and bought a copy of a Havahart live trap. This is a box made from wire. It has a door that falls down when an animal enters and stands on a plate where bait is kept.

The name of the trap maker is a comforting fiction intended to deflect criticism from enraged wokiees. Sure, it traps things alive. They’re alive until you get there.

The door was originally installed so the upper hinge attaching it to the top of the cage was pretty far inside the cage. When tripped, the door would fall so its lower end fell close to the end of the cage. In this configuration, a strong squirrel could lift it just by trying to get out. The natural result of pushing outward on the door was to lift it. The door had a spring-loaded bail to swing out and brace against the top of the trap to prevent this from happening.

I remember thinking this was a stupid design for small animals. The triggering mechanism was complicated and not very sensitive. Because of the spring, the mechanism was under a lot of pressure when loaded, and that created friction that made it harder to spring the trap. I thought a squirrel would have to go in and jump up and down on the trigger plate to make the trap work.

My suspicions turned out to be right. The trap turned out to be a pretty good squirrel feeder. It would not trip for squirrels even after I adjusted the trigger mechanism.

I was afraid bigger vermin were stealing the bait. I must have found the trap tripped yet empty; I don’t recall. Anyway, I had some reason to think bigger animals were ruining everything. I bought a bigger trap just like the little one, hoping it would nail not only squirrels but their larger accomplices. I caught a coon in it right away. I shot it in the head and threw it over the fence.

I never caught any squirrels, though.

Yesterday I saw that squirrels had eaten through the backwash hose on my pool pump. Add that to the long list of things they have destroyed. I got mad and decided to get back to killing them. I have been shooting them, but that’s a slow process. I needed something better.

They squat in my chicken house, so I thought about throwing some rat poison in there. I haven’t done it. I have two kinds of rat poison. One is plain old anticoagulant, and the other is a neurotoxin. The anticoagulant could conceivably harm anything that eats a dead squirrel, so I have been reluctant to use it. The other poison lacks this drawback, but it has another one: it doesn’t work. It doesn’t work on mice, anyway. I had high hopes for it, but they came to see my blocks of rat poison as free buffets.

I started researching traps, and I found some neat ones. I started wondering…why didn’t anyone make a trap with a door that moves in the opposite direction compared to my worthless live-catch trap?

I thought it would be smart to have a simple trap with a door that fell behind a squirrel after it entered, with the bottom of the tripped door toward the inside of the cage. A squirrel would have to figure out how to lift the door while shoving himself under it. His natural efforts to get out would push the door down instead of opening it.

Lo and behold, I learned that such a trap exists. It’s called the Squirrelinator. It’s just a wire box with a door that falls so the lower edge faces inward. Reviewers say it’s great.

I thought I should get one. Then I thought…why not make one?

I grabbed my useless live trap, removed the door, removed all the mechanical garbage attached to it, and reinstalled the door backward. Now if a squirrel goes in, the door will fall behind him. If he turns around and tries to go out the door, his weight will close it tighter.

A squirrel genius could learn to lift the door before trying to escape, but squirrels are stupid, and even a smart squirrel would need time to figure things out. I think I can prevent that by checking the trap at short intervals.

It’s pathetic that they call traps “live traps.” What kind of fool releases a live squirrel? I’ll bet nearly everyone does what I do. The old point-blank .22 shot. When you release a squirrel, it just plagues someone else. Releasing vermin on other people’s property should be a crime. Probably is.

My uncle used to do it, however, He would trap squirrels, paint their tails orange, and turn them loose at a nearby airport. Not sure what the point of that was.

He was not a tree-hugging vegan whiner. He let my cousin raise a calf as a pet, and then he slaughtered it without warning her and served its flesh to her for dinner. He refused to let her leave the table until she ate it. I don’t know why he was more merciful to arboreal rats.

I put my modified trap under the bird feeder, which is already known to the squirrels. I took some of Marvin’s seed-heavy bird chow and sprinkled it around the trap. I put a generous smear of peanut butter on the now-disconnected trigger plate, which makes a handy bait tray.

We shall see what happens. If it doesn’t work. I’ll pony up $80 for a Squirrelinator, or maybe I’ll get a roller trap.

A roller trap is pretty brilliant. It’s a rolling-pin-shaped object that rests on top of a bucket or garbage can that has enough water in it to drown rodents. The thin ends function as an axle. You put peanut butter on the thick part, and rodents climb out to get it. The assembly turns, and they drop in the water, dying instantly.

Well, okay. Not instantly. They drown. I don’t like it, but I am tired of paying for squirrel-destroyed items. I’ve prayed about it, and my belief is that God has no problem with people who drown rodents.

You can make a roller trap from a pop can and a piece of thick wire. You need a fairly tall receptacle to prevent squirrels from jumping out. Or maybe you just need to make the water too deep for them to touch bottom.

Here’s another neat trap I just learned about: a bowl of oil.

You get yourself a large bowl and pour half an inch of oil in the bottom. Rodents will smell the oil and jump in. Then they can’t jump out, even if the bowl’s edge is low. Why not? Because you need traction in order to jump, and the oil kills traction.

If you go to Youtube, you can find videos where people get up in the morning and collect bowls full of very distressed mice that can’t get away.

You would need a pretty big bowl for squirrels, but it seems brilliant for smaller pests.

I thought about getting some of those black poison stations you may have seen around dumpsters. They make them in different sizes for both rats and coons. The problem is that bigger animals will tear them up, and, again, I don’t think the poison works well.

It doesn’t take the squirrels long to find stuff near the bird feeder, so I hope to have some answers today. If my trap doesn’t work, the Squirrelinator should, but I will probably try a roller first. I’m also going to put a roller trap in the workshop for mice.

I may put the bigger trap out, too, baited with meat. It has proven effective with coons, and it should also work with possums. It could hold a determined coyote. That would be great. Hunting is inefficient. So much easier to stroll up at your leisure and pop vermin with your favorite pistol.

I’m going to get a gopher trap, too. There are big hills in my yard.

No more Mr. Nice Guy. The day of vengeance is at hand.