Oil Change for Car I Clearly Don’t Need

Is there any reason why we Americans shouldn’t go ahead and glue ourselves to our couches?

My car thinks I need an oil change, so it’s nagging me. I have 10,000-mile oil and a 20,000-mile filter, so I know the car is upset about nothing, but I decided to get oil and a filter today anyway. Did I go to the auto parts store? No.

I looked around the web to find a well-reviewed filter. Then I looked at Youtube reviews to confirm that Wal-Mart oil was just as good as the expensive stuff. Then I went to Wal-Mart’s site to see if they had the oil in stock. Then I went to an auto parts site to look for a filter and see if they could beat Wal-Mart on oil. Then I went back to Wal-Mart’s site, which reminded me I had bought a filter there last time. The same one that had the good reviews.

I put my cheap synthetic oil in my cart with my filter, just to keep track of them so I could do a screenshot before going to Wal-Mart. Then noticed the site was offering free curbside pickup. For a second, I felt ashamed, but I got over it somehow. I decided to check out with curbside pickup.

When I got to the checkout page, it said I was $3.49 below the free shipping threshold.

Free shipping? What would it cost me to drive to Wal-Mart? I thought a minute. About four bucks, during Joe Biden’s pre-tribulation oil panic. If I bought a product in the four-dollar range, it would be mostly free. Sort of.

I needed shampoo. I looked for it. I buy it in big jugs. One just went empty today. Wal-Mart said it cost more than $3.49.

BAM. Shampoo in cart.

Now Wal-Mart is going to bring me my oil, my filters, and the shampoo I expected to have to go get, all at Wal-Mart prices.

Is there some way I can get the UPS guy to bring it in the house and put it in my hand? Maybe he could change my oil. Perhaps he could apply pressure to my diaphragm and breathe for me, too.

It reminds me of the old joke about the neighbor who watched a rich lady move into the house next door. A mover came along, wheeling the lady’s son on a handtruck. The neighbor said, “Poor kid! Can’t he walk?” The lady said, “Yes, but thank God he doesn’t have to!”

I should buy enough oil for 10 more changes. If I don’t, prices will go up and I’ll probably spend the same amount on the next change. Assuming I can afford enough gas to get me through the next change interval.