Pest Control Season Opens

The first squirrel of the season has been ushered across the river Styx.

In reality, I didn’t usher him anywhere. He is lying dead in my front yard, where I shot him.

I’m glad I know how to skin and cook squirrels, because we may be headed for unbelievably hard times, but I don’t plan to eat any more squirrels unless I have to or they start growing a lot bigger. It’s too much work for three ounces of meat. My new policy is to leave them to rot.

Killing animals should serve a purpose. In the case of a squirrel, the animal’s death is its own justification. They ate the fuel gauge on my garden tractor, they ate a lot of my peaches, they chew on my lawn furniture, and they are currently eating my expensive aluminum gate. Also, one got into my living room. The life of every squirrel on my property, present and future, has been forfeited, exactly like the lives of mice, roaches, mosquitoes, rattlesnakes, coons, spiders, armadillos, and any traveling salesman who has the guts to scale my fence.

Hunting season started a few days back. I don’t really hunt. It has been too hot, and I haven’t felt like it. I walk around carelessly, carrying a rifle, hoping something that needs killing makes a mistake.

I stalked two other squirrels during my walk today, but I hesitated to shoot, and they took off. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to kill them cleanly. I don’t know why I care. I don’t care about killing mice cleanly.

The squirrel that met its end was in my front yard, as I looped back to the house. It climbed up a palm and shook its tail at me, which I took to be an insult. Sadly for the squirrel, the palm has a very thick trunk, so there was no possibility of firing a shot off the property if I missed him.

I didn’t drop him quickly. I was using a scope and shooting from maybe 30 feet, and the shot went through his upper front leg, which means I missed his heart by maybe three fourths of an inch. It’s hard to use a scope up close unless you practice, which I don’t. I had to chase him around and blast him a few more times when he stopped moving.

I would like to start using a shotgun. It’s not good to shoot an animal 4 or 5 times, even if it is a squirrel. I like using a scope, but they just don’t work for me at short distances. You have to put a .22 through the center of a squirrel’s head or chest in order to kill him quickly, and that is not easy when you’re thinking about the distance between the scope and the barrel and how close you are to the squirrel.

Unfortunately, it is no longer possible to get acceptable deals on 16 gauge ammunition, and I only have a few boxes. I can get the wrong stuff for about 68 cents per shot. The 12 gauge picture is somewhat better, but my only 12-gauge is not exactly a squirrel gun. Maybe in our dystopian present, with the possibility of starvation looming, it would be smart to get a 12-gauge hunting shotgun and some shells for birds and squirrels.

It’s liberating to give up on cleaning squirrels. I don’t have to deal with the stink and the mess now. I just kick the dead squirrel out where other animals will see it, and I’m done.

A shotgun would improve things a lot. In addition to killing more squirrels, I wouldn’t have to spend time stalking slowly or standing still. When I stand still, the bugs catch up with me. With a shotgun, I’d be able to blast away at any squirrel I see, as long as it was not directly between me and a neighbor’s property, so I wouldn’t have to wait for special opportunities.

By walking faster, I’d get bitten less and exercise more, and maybe I’d also see and terminate more squirrels.

Maybe I’ll grab a new shotgun. Better to have and not need…

Tomorrow I’ll try a different .22 anyway. Maybe the Marlin and I just don’t get along.