Experiencing Horseness

I am manspreading as I write this.

This morning, I felt it was important to come back with more inconclusive, ignorance-based, homophobic, anecdotal evidence concerning my favorite horse medication: ivermectin.

About 24 days ago, in Turkey, I got what gastroenterologists refer to as “the squirts.” I also had nausea. This lasted a few hours. I developed a sore throat and sinusitis, and while the throat problem didn’t last long, the sinusitis is still with me. I also had a couple of days during which my joints hurt every time they took an impact. For quite a while, I had to remove big collections of large, hard objects from my nostrils several times daily, and after that, things tapered off to a mildly runny nose and a general reduction in energy.

Some days are better than others. For about two weeks, I’ve barely been sick at all, but I miss my energy. Usually my energy is at 120%, and it has been more like 90% most days.

Last night, I felt pretty good, but late in the evening, I started having to blow my nose, and I felt like I was on the downward slope again. The thing that really annoyed me was that I could barely taste dinner. It was as though I had been sucking on galvanized nails for a week, and I was trying to taste the food through the zinc.

I had not been sucking on galvanized nails, by the way. I want to stress that. I did take some zinc, but I washed it down as quickly as I could. Don’t suck on nails. I don’t know if anyone is recommending it, but I am against it.

I reached for the ivermectin.

I hadn’t had a big dose in days. I hadn’t felt very bad, and I didn’t know if it was a bright idea to far exceed the usual therapeutic dosing schedule for a patient without hooves. I had decided to let things run their course, but last night I was a little fed up.

I took an amount of horse paste which contained something approximating 12 milligrams of the backward, white supremacist remedy. I swooned briefly, and while I was out, I saw Nathan Bedford Forrest hovering over me, riding Mr. Ed. He said, “You will recover, boy. You still have much work to do, marginalizing disadvantaged peoples and misgendering Hollywood’s anointed. Now give Ed here a squirt of that miracle juice. He’s feeling puny.”

While he was talking, an apparition resembling Jamie Foxx rode in on a horse made by Boston Dynamics and started beating him with a unisex purse. Then the Dukes of Hazzard rolled up in the still-beflagged General Lee, wearing Viking helmets. Nancy Pelosi ran into the scene, carrying St. Fauci like the smirking devil baby in The Passion of the Christ, and well, after that, everything is a blur.

When I came to, lying on the king-size MAGA Afghan I crocheted last fall from wool sheared from genetically modified sheep which were eventually eaten by Steve Bannon, I knew everything was going to be fine.

It’s possible everything I just wrote is untrue, even though I’m not a journalist or famous government doctor.

Anyway, when I got up today, I felt great, but I was curious about something. I had to find out. I went and grabbed a piece of a chocolate bar I had left in the fridge. I could taste it! I ate the rest of it.

I had to be sure. It was for science.

My energy is like 105%, and I feel very good. This is the third time I have had a quick, decisive improvement after taking this discredited, highly toxic, racist, snowflake-triggering, cisgender drug, which has not been proven to not contain xenomorph DNA.

Does it mean it did anything? Of course, I do not know. But for the rest of my life, I am going to take ivermectin whenever I have a viral problem. It might be doing something, and like I always say, the placebo effect is better than no effect at all.

Maybe I have coronavirus, and my negative tests are wrong. Maybe the tests are right and the drug is still making me feel better. Web sources claim ivermectin’s antiviral activity is not limited to coronavirus, so for all I know, it’s helping me with something else. Whatever I have, I am eager to be free of the niggling symptoms that hang on like discredited leftist canards about George Bush. Who didn’t lie about weapons of mass destruction.

The great thing about coronavirus is that it’s like global warming. No one knows the truth, but everyone feels entitled to hate and plot to kill people who disagree with their special, unsupported view of things.

I’m in a great position, because everyone gets to hate me. I say vaccines aren’t the mark of the beast and don’t contain microchips, and I say they seem to work, so conservatives can hate me. I say masks don’t work, the vaccines could be dangerous, and ivermectin seems to help, and I keep pointing out that coronavirus is hitting full-compliance areas hard while near-zero-compliance Zambia is essentially coronavirus-free, so leftists can hate me.

I was capitalizing “Mark of the Beast” yesterday, because there is only one mark, but the Bible doesn’t capitalize it, so I quit today. Maybe I’ll start doing it again. I don’t know.

Hate me, hate me, hate me. Treat yourself. Don’t be left out. You can’t make me feel bad, and if you get within 500 yards of my house, I can kill you and all your friends without walking outside or using up even 1% of my hoarded ammunition, so you can’t scare me. Enjoy looking down on me and wishing me dead. After blogging as a conservative for 19 years and being driven out of two churches, I am used to it.

Of course, you should not hate me, and I am not planning to shoot anyone. I’m just joking because ivermectin and hot chocolate have left me feeling euphoric. Let’s say 110%.

Continuing in my usual end-time-ivermectin-warming-denier-Bible-clinger mansplaining mode, let me discuss the apocalypse.

Last night, I saw Perry Stone talking about the seven seals of the Revelation. In case you haven’t memorized the Bible, a scroll will appear in heaven, and it will have seven seals on it. Jesus will open the seals one at a time, and every time a seal is opened, an apocalyptic stage will begin.

Each of the first four seals releases a horseman of the apocalypse. The first horse is white, with a crown, and he goes out “to conquer.” Then we get a red horse, a black horse, and a greenish horse, and they represent murder, lack, and death by disease and animal attacks and so on. I may have the order wrong.

I think the white horseman is Jesus. First of all, the horse is white, and everyone who claims to have seen God says God is bathed in white light, to such an extent that his hair looks whiter than bleached wool. Also, the white horseman is the only one with a crown, and he is sent out to conquer, which would appear to duplicate the purpose of the red horseman if his intentions were evil. The red horseman brings war, which is how conquest is done. It seems to me that it makes no sense to have two evil horsemen who do the same thing.

Later in the Revelation, Jesus appears again as a rider on a white horse, wearing a crown.

Stone has a couple of objections to my beliefs.

First, he thinks the tribulation has to be in full swing when the horsemen show up. I disagree. If you look at the seals, you will see that things don’t get really bad until number 6 is opened. In fact, 7 is the killer. My impression is that the problems of seals one through 4 can begin before the actual tribulation occurs. They represent stages of the apocalypse, but the apocalypse is not the tribulation. The tribulation is part of the apocalypse. The apocalypse is the entire set of end-time events, from the time the world becomes permanently changed until the end of the millennium.

The word “tribulation” refers to very bad times during which people will feel like bits of grain being crushed between a steel spike on a tribulum and a stone floor. We don’t see those things happening in the present, and we also don’t see them in the Revelation while the first 4 seals are being opened. The tribulation is called the day of God’s wrath, and it isn’t until seal 6 is removed that the Revelation says the day of his wrath has arrived.

It seems pretty clear that the TRIBULATION starts when seal 6 is opened, long after the APOCALYPSE has started.

Second objection: the white horseman wears a crown or crowns in Revelation 6 and Revelation 19, but the Greek is different. Later on, John uses the word “diadema,” which means the sort of crown a king wears. In Revelation 6, he uses the world “stefanos,” which can mean a leafed thing a triumphant athlete would wear. It’s not always a crown of royalty.

Problem for Stone: in Revelation 14, Jesus appears wearing a golden stefanos. That pretty much obliterates Stone’s objection. It’s surprising he hasn’t noticed, because he spends his whole life buried in his library.

Jesus doesn’t always wear the same crown, as the Romans who crucified him could tell you.

The first white horseman carries a bow, which would be consistent with the mission of Jesus. The other three deal with the masses. War, famine, and disease hit nations, not individuals. A bow can only strike one person at a time, just as the Holy Spirit does. Jesus chooses individuals out of families and nations. He doesn’t sweep entire countries into the fold.

Of course, I could be wrong, but Stone is definitely wrong about the crown and the beginning of the tribulation.

Stone believes in a pre-tribulation rapture, and so do I. His belief probably biases him against believing the horsemen have been released, because he thinks their release indicates the start of the tribulation. If they have been released, in Stone’s mind, the tribulation has started. We are still here, so if the horsemen are here, how can there be a pre-tribulation rapture? If, however, the tribulation starts with seal 6, then the horsemen can cause trouble before the rapture without wrecking the pre-tribulation theory.

Stone also says the first white horseman can’t be Jesus because Jesus is in heaven during the tribulation, and the horseman is on Earth. That’s a very weird belief. Jesus has visited me twice, and I have been on Earth all my life. I’m not alone. He visits people all the time. He visited my wife. He visited my last pastor’s father. In fact, in the gospels, he promised he would visit each of us. Also, the Bible says he is the one who baptizes with the Holy Spirit, and people are baptized with the Holy Spirit on Earth.

Stone thinks people are too upset about the disasters and problems we are seeing. He says there have been disasters before. But were they like the ones we have now?

1. Were they global? Generally, no. For example, the Black Death never reached the Americas. The smallpox epidemics that wiped out American Indians didn’t hurt the Old World.

2. Did they combine hatred, lack, and disease? No. The Spanish flu didn’t make us want to kill each other. The Black Death brought revival and incredible prosperity; look it up. It made tens of millions financially prosperous for the first time. The present day combines disease, lack, and irrational division and hatred on a global scale. When has that happened before? And we are seeing worldwide shortages that are extremely serious and completely unrelated to coronavirus.

3. Did they come at a time when the world’s last great Christian nation had turned away from Jesus, decisively, leaving no remaining haven for God’s persecuted children? No.

4. Did they come right after the sudden restoration of the nation of Israel? No.

5. Did they come during times when complete surveillance and the destruction of free will were right around the corner due to improvements in technology? No.

There has never been a time like the present. Comparing it to eras even as recent as 20 years ago is silly.

There have only been two previous pandemics. I mean real pandemics. No one talks about that. The first was the plague pandemic of 1855, which gets an asterisk because it did not amount to much in many places, and the second was the Spanish flu.

Syphilis and AIDS have been called pandemics, but are they? Syphilis and AIDS don’t affect that many people, and they are hard to catch. Statistics show that if it weren’t for anal sex between homosexual men, AIDS would have nearly disappeared by now. If I were the only person on Earth who did not have AIDS, I would still almost certainly escape infection until I died from some other cause.

You could call the common cold a pandemic if you were really determined. It’s global, all the time. But it’s not serious. You could call herpes or papillomavirus pandemics, but they haven’t put us in masks or caused us to close borders. Maybe we should call our yearly flu outbreaks pandemics, but we take them in stride, and they are not considered disasters.

A real pandemic reaches every continent and causes very serious problems. A pandemic that leaves a hemisphere untouched is a contradiction in terms.

Stone is wrong when he tells us things aren’t that bad now. We are facing extraordinary, unprecedented problems, and we don’t have a reasonable expectation that currently known responses will end them. We have no idea when or if we will be able to fix things.

The troubles of the apocalypse are supernatural in origin, and one of the symptoms of supernatural opposition is an epidemic of stupid decisions. When spirits get to work on people who don’t commune with the Spirit of Holiness every day, those people, who may be otherwise competent, do very stupid things that make their lives worse.

We’ve made a lot of stupid decisions with regard to coronavirus and many other things. We treated the entire population as though it were at risk instead of focusing on the old, the fat, and the sick, as we should have. We destroyed the American work ethic through systematic handouts that caused labor shortages. We elected a senile buffoon who helped create an artificial energy crisis while we were sitting on oceans of oil. A good percentage of us decided panty-wearing men with fetishes were women, and we became firmly convinced that the human anus is a sexual organ. We chose to promote sexual perversion and even to force it on Christian nations at a time when God was clearly not pleased with us.

People are not naturally as stupid as we now seem. We need help to be this stupid. It comes from spirits that talk to us day and night. We should have a constant connection to the Spirit of Holiness, but he’s unfashionable, so substitute deities take his place and convince us to destroy ourselves so Satan doesn’t have to exert himself.

We’re all like teenagers. When your teenager eats a Tide pod or lets a friend with an IQ of 85 give her a genital piercing with a dirty needle, it’s always because she was listening to an idiot instead of her father. The Spirit of Holiness is supposed to instruct us all day. Instead, we listen to morons via Facebook, Tiktok, CNN, and the entertainment industry. We have chosen to be fatherless. Fathers are extremely important. Moreso than mothers. Kids without mothers are much less likely than fatherless kids to be poor or end up in prison.

The other day, I found two dead mice in my traps. I thought about the work of killing and disposing of them, and I thought, “Boy, it would be great if I could get them to kill each other.” If mice were people, I could do it easily. Satan has done it. Mice aren’t as susceptible to disinformation and delusion as we are.

If mice were like people, right now, male mice would be ignoring females and raping each other all day, female mice would be eating their young and feeling empowered because of it, and herds of mice would be assembling in armies and tearing each other to pieces for no good reason. It would be wonderful, apart from the raping.

I could copy Tiktok. Instead of the Tide pod challenge, I’d dare the mice to take the mouse trap challenge, the rat poison challenge, and the slap-the-cat challenge.

I think the four horsemen are loose. Come back and correct me in three months if coronavirus is gone and the world has regained its sanity.

I think my use of the term “regained” is generous.