Call me Marvin, Because I’m a Haggler

This is my third day back from Turkey, and I am still not on an even keel. The bug I picked up is doing amazing things in my nose, so I am not sleeping enough. I can’t wait for this to end.

My latest PCR was negative. I don’t know if it’s correct, but I’m not going to keep testing. Whatever I have is mild, and it keeps getting less severe.

I thought I should share my thoughts on Turkey, in case anyone who reads the blog is considering a visit.

Spoiler: we had a wonderful time, and I recommend Turkey as a tourist destination.

As I have said before, I used to think the things I had seen in movies were true, and for that reason, I thought Turkey was a good place to avoid. Now that I have been there, I see how unfair the movies were. I’m sure Oliver Stone, Billy Hayes, and the studio that owns Lawrence of Arabia will issue full apologies any day now, because we all know that’s what showbiz types do when they’re wrong.

Something must be holding them up.

We stayed in Istanbul, with a short trip to Kusadasi in the middle of our honeymoon.

I flew to Turkey on Lufthansa. I would not fly Lufthansa again, unless I had a very good reason. I tend to tell myself the German reputation for rigidity and being a pain in the butt is a bigoted canard, but in reality, it is not. They really are that way. Lufthansa would not allow me to wear my special, fraudulent, low-resistance mask. If the stewardesses don’t like your mask, they give you one they do like, and believe me, you will not like it as much as they do. Mine was like having a piece of thick canvas glued over my mouth and nose.

The only thing I like about Lufthansa is that they order you to stay seated until they call on your row to debark. Order. People who jump up and run to the front of the plane while it’s headed for the gate should be shot, and if Lufthansa could, they would make this a reality.

Fortunately for me, I had an empty seat between me and the nearest passenger on the way from Frankfurt to Istanbul. That was a mercy.

The food was ghastly. They gave me vegetarian pasta with a molten, funky white cheese on it, plus peas and carrots. Who thought that was a good idea? Do I look like a vegan? I ate about half of it.

They served canned beer. I heard a stewardess ask a man if he like the German beer, like she was pouring him a glass of investment-grade diamonds. I wondered if she knew that American beer is now infinitely better. We used to be the worst, but now we are, far and away, the absolute best. Even the Belgians have to bend the knee to us. German beer is like a BMW. It has few flaws, but then it’s also boring and relatively bland.

Before I would consider drinking German beer again, I would choose my own, then Belgian, then Irish, then Mexican, and then maybe British.

Istanbul Airport is not bad. It’s better than American airports I’ve seen. I arrived about 45 minutes after the wife. Our big challenges were getting cash, finding each other, and finding our driver.

I learned that Turks call doors “gates.” The driver kept texting that he was at gate 13. I kept telling him I could not go to the gate because I was through customs and could not return to the gate area. Finally, I realized he was talking about the 13th exit door that led to ground transportation. It took us quite a while to figure this out, and I got very familiar with the layout of the airport while walking around looking for answers.

In America, I had researched the problem of getting cash. I was ready. All the gurus told me the same thing: use ATM’s. My bank said to use machines belonging to TEB, a partner bank. I tried this, and the cost of withdrawals nearly gave me a coronary. Also, the machines refused to call withdrawals “withdrawals.” They called them “cash advances,” probably to justify taking more money. My debit card is not a credit card, so cash advances should not be possible.

I got myself over $300 worth of Turkish Lira anyway, realizing I had no choice.

Here’s what you SHOULD do when you visit Turkey: bring several thousand dollars in cash. Street crime is not an issue in Istanbul, so don’t worry. At the airport, change enough money to get to your hotel. After that, change money at the Grand Bazaar. You can put your excess dollars in your room’s safe.

I wish I had done this, but instead, I listened to confident individuals who knew nearly nothing.

I’ll bet I spent several hundred dollars in unnecessary fees. There is nothing I can do about it. I had no choice, so I don’t care. The trip was important, and the money was not.

We always used private cars to move between airports and hotels. You can do this for as little as $33 right now. They gave us big minivans, and the transfer companies did the planning so we didn’t have to tell them when to arrive. It was fantastic. We sometimes spent as much as $50 for one trip, and I suppose we could have done it for $40 using cabs. The correct choice was obvious.

In Turkey, you need 50-Lira bills. The machines like to give you 100-Lira bills, so break them whenever you can. Most of the things you buy will cost less than 20 Lira.

The hotel was very nice. We had about 300 square feet, plus a huge terrace, near the Sultanahmet area in the Old City. This is where tourists hang out. It’s close to a lot of the tourist stuff, and there are tons of restaurants.

We had a fantastic king size bed, a jacuzzi tub, and a sitting room. The hotel was clean, and things were generally in good condition. The wifi was free. The TV started losing English channels when we arrived, but we didn’t go to Turkey to watch TV.

Istanbul is a walker’s city. On the first night, we walked to the general area of the Hagia Sofia and found ourself a nice touristy restaurant. On the way, we discovered the big problem with Turkey: human mosquitoes.

Mosquito: Excuse me! Where you from?

Me: America.

Mosquito: Where in America?

Me: Florida.

Mosquito: I have an uncle in Florida! Welcome to Turkey!

Me: Thank you.

Mosquito: How long you here?

Me: Just got here.

Mosquito: Let me show you carpet!

Me: I don’t want a carpet.

Mosquito: I give you great price!

Me: A great price on something I don’t want.

Mosquito: Take a look. No obligation!

Me: There is no conceivable way I would even consider buying a carpet.

Mosquito: Why not?

Me: I don’t want one.

Mosquito: Why not?

Me: The smell makes my nose swell shut.

Mosquito: Only wool! I have silk!

Me: I don’t want silk.

Mosquito: Why not?

Me: I don’t want a carpet.

Mosquito: Why not?

Me: I’m not going to go to a foreign country and spend thousands of dollars on something I know nothing about.

Mosquito: Come to my shop! No obligation! I teach you!

Me: Would you let someone who is trying to sell you something teach you about it?

Mosquito: Of course!

Me: No, you wouldn’t.

Mosquito: Just come have some tea.

Me: I’m not buying a carpet.

Mosquito: Maybe tomorrow!

Then the next day, he would say, “You promised to come to my shop today!”

During our stay, we went through this with carpets, fake watches, knockoff leather goods, scarves, boat tours, food, spices, and also Viagra (or what they said was Viagra). We went through it maybe three times in a typical block. A few times, we actually let them take us to shops just because it was so weird.

They were always amazed when I left without buying anything. Weren’t they listening?

They were always polite, and believe it or not, we had some really interesting conversations with a few. I freaked one out by telling him my dad had owned an Isfahan Mechad (spelling?) and an orange Bokhara. I actually know a tiny bit about rugs. He was floored. I told him my dad’s girlfriend had made him get them. He said I needed a rug because they were in my blood, from my dad. I told him they were actually in my dad’s girlfriend’s blood.

If you actually want to buy a rug in Turkey, you’re supposed to go to a place called ABC, by the Grand Bazaar. It has a reputation for quality and honesty, so you shouldn’t have to worry about spending $8000 on a beautiful rug and then having them ship you a roll of burlap. You’re welcome.

The touristy restaurant was near the Blue Mosque, and it was called Mozaik. I would say the prices were about 60% higher than they should have been, because it catered to tourists. It turned out to be very good, however, so we went more than once. In Istanbul, a badly overpriced meal for two runs around $45, so it’s not a catastrophe.

Turkish restaurants tend to serve dishes from other countries, not just Turkey, so in addition to things like kebab and falafel, they had excellent pasta. Rhodah fell in love with the puffy, freshly baked bread and the appetizer platter.

If I go again, I will bring condiments. Turks don’t use enough seasoning in Turkish dishes. A bottle of hot sauce would be a big blessing over there. It’s strange that they don’t use a lot of seasoning, because they are constantly trying to sell people spices. Like I can’t buy spices here. I don’t think they know we have spices in America.

Because I was with a woman, we did buy some junk in Istanbul. That was inevitable and normal, so I was all for it. Rhodah got about 5 purses with weird Turkish embroidery on them, along with some really expensive espadrilles made from carpet. I also got her a scarf which may or may not be made from silk, plus a Vuitton backpack made in Turkey, where all genuine Vuitton bags are made.

We found the backpack in the Grand Bazaar, where only tourists shop, so the guy wanted a sultan’s ransom: 1000 Lira, or around $85. Rhodah is not the best haggler on earth, so I went to work. I told him it was Chinese, pulling back the corners of my eyes to make him understand. It was Turkey, not Berkeley, so I could do that. He insisted it was actually made in Turkey. Maybe it was.

We got him down to around 400, which seemed like too much, so I told him my standard haggling line. I said, “You’re starving our children. You’re taking food out of their mouths.” He and his buddy broke up when I said that. He said he had never heard that one before. He said he would go to 350 just because I said it. We made a deal. He asked how many kids we had. Rhodah said two. I said 6.

They never got mad when I haggled. I think they enjoy it. They didn’t get mad when they said things like “150” and I responded with “25.” It never worked, but I never got punched or anything.

We didn’t plan any tours in Istanbul. We made decisions on the fly.

Our first big excursion was a boat ride around the Bosphorus. It wasn’t a tourist boat. It was a big steel job the locals ride around on. I think we paid about $3 each for a couple of hours. There was no guide, but we sat in comfort on the stern and enjoyed the sights.

We found Gulhane Park, which is a very nice park in the shadow of the Topkapi Palace, where Sultans use to make huge, important decisions with other world leaders. It’s a great place to take a blanket and some food, which we failed to do.

Before we did any more touristing, we found out how to get to one of Istanbul’s malls. They have normal malls, just as we do. The one we picked was called Cevahir. It had a GAP. It had Zara, a bunch of stores more or less along the lines of maybe Anne Taylor Loft, Adidas, Levi’s (company store), Mango, Victoria’s Secret, Sephora, KFC, Popeye’s, and Krispy Kreme.

We tried to pump up Rhodah’s wardrobe there, and then we had a meal of American fast food. The KFC was cooked more skillfully than it is here, but it didn’t taste all that much like KFC. The Popeye’s chicken sandwich was good, and I got it at the only Popeye’s I had ever seen that didn’t resemble a lunatic asylum, but they didn’t have the spicy version. The Krispy Kreme donuts were okay, except for the glazed one. They have to be hot, or they’re useless.

We got her some REAL Nike running shoes, which are greatly outnumbered by fakes outside the US. Unfortunately, she wore them the next day without socks and blistered herself. While this was going on, her new socks were back at the hotel.

I don’t feel like getting deeper into the trip right now, but I will say we got so used to walking by the same determined proprietors, we actually got to know a few. They started to seem like friends. One restaurateur got us to agree to sit at a table and drink free tea, just to make him look busy. We could pretty much count on that offer every night. I told Rhodah we had become models.

Here’s my advice about Turkish restaurants: never, EVER buy the expensive dishes. They’re not very good, and they cost a lot. Get the cheap stuff everyone else eats. Doner kebab. Falafel. Hummus. Baklava. Kofte. Pide. And stay away from “lemonade.” It’s always some chemical mix, even when they tell you it’s homemade. If you like beer, have Efes (Turkish name for Ephesus). It’s truly excellent.

We saw and did all sorts of stuff, and I will probably get back to it later. Right now I think I need a steak.