Belgian Frymasters Confirm my Rants

Two days ago, I wrote about the most important thing that had happened in my life, apart from getting to know God. Today, it’s time to write about something trivial.

Five Guys makes lame French fries.

I know what you’re saying. You’re pounding on your keyboard, calling for my execution. Everyone loves Five Guys fries, and they give you such huge servings! They stuff a cup with fries, put it in your bag, and pour more fries into the bag on top of it.

Don’t think about the fact that a Five Guys meal costs up to $20. It’s not generous to go heavy on the fries when you charge that much for a $9 meal.

I will agree that I enjoy Five Guys fries, but they’re nothing compared to fries that are made correctly. Five Guys fries are soggy; never crisp on the outside. They’re always dripping with peanut oil, which doesn’t taste particularly good. The best fries are like other good fried items. They’re crunchy on the outside, and they’re not wet with oil.

Years ago, I found out how to make good fries. It’s very simple. You use russet potatoes. You don’t cut the fries very big. You fry them once at something like 260 degrees, just until they’re cooked. Then you drain and chill them. Then you fry them at around 375 until the outsides are crisp. And you use BEEF FAT.

I remember telling a person who managed restaurants about this. He said beef fat would never work. It wasn’t a good frying fat, he said. Good thing the people at McDonald’s never heard that. They used to make all of their fries in beef fat, until the vegetarian extremists got to them.

Yesterday I watched a neat video, made in the capital of the French fry world: Belgium. How do I feel? In one word: VINDICATED. They do exactly what I say to do.

Until I saw the video I did not understand what fries meant to Belgians. I learned there are fry stands all over the country. Belgians actually consider fries a meal. Even the government is involved. They have a rule that every fry joint has to provide at least 10 sauces.

The Belgians seem to be belligerent about fries. A fry expert in the video attacked France over the misnomer “French fries.” He pointed something out: France, unlike Belgium, isn’t jammed from one end to the other with fry stands. If France gets the credit for fries, why aren’t the French making more of them?

Belgium boasts a unique job: French-fry joint proprietor. Think of that. There is no such job in America. If you make fries here, you also make burgers. There is no such job in England. If you make fries there, you also fry fish. To find a landscape speckled with establishments that only sell fries and drinks, you have to go to Belgium. That’s how serious they are.

In the video, a fry guru tells his secrets. He says he uses nothing but beef tallow, just like McDonald’s in the 1950’s. Just like KFC in the good old days. Five Guys uses peanut oil. The fry king says he has tried things like peanut oil, and his customers started complaining immediately. The fries just were not as good.

Why aren’t American restaurants using beef fat? It’s a shame the vegans are controlling the lives of normal people who lack food-related mental illnesses. As far as I’m concerned, Wendy’s still has the best fast food burger. Imagine how great Wendy’s would be if they used beef fat for frying. It gives me chills.

We need an American burger chain to start offering beef fat fries. They could run beef fat in one fryer per store to see which fat customers liked best. They would find that vegans only speak for vegans, i.e. self-hating omnivores who genuinely find good food offensive.

You know what vegans are? “Trans herbivores.”

It’s amazing that burger chains are crazy enough to pretend to worry about heart disease and obesity. I can go into a McDonald’s and order a sandwich with two beef patties, mayo, and cheese, plus a buttered, salted biscuit stuffed with eggs, bacon, and cheese, plus a huge ice cream dessert with Oreo cookies swirled into it, plus a Coke that literally has half a cup of corn syrup in it, but I can’t get fries made with beef fat. Yeah, Dr. Ronald is really looking out for my arteries. All the poison is in that extra gram of saturated fat.

For the first time in my life, I actually want to visit Belgium. Who says that?

The one thing Belgians are screwing up is the shape of the fries. They really need to try crinkle cutting and waffle cutting. Come on. They invented the waffle. How can they not want to show it off in packets of fries?

Belgium needs all the good PR it can get. The world barely knows it exists. Belgium gave its potato glory away to a country that did nothing to deserve it. Almost no one knows how good Belgian chocolate is. Belgians make the best beer on earth outside of the US (where the best microbrews are based on Belgian beer), but for some reason, the whole world thinks of boring German beer as the height of the brewer’s art.

What is Belgium famous for? Tiny, bitter cabbages and Jean Claude Van Damme, who doesn’t even use his real Belgian name.

I was totally right about fries. It’s sad that America makes them so badly.