“Deputy Clerk Osmond Just Logged In”

Today I have something I didn’t have yesterday: a marriage license.

It’s so strange to use phrases like “fiancee” and “marriage license.” They used to seem like they were only parts of other people’s worlds. Barring unforeseen problems, soon I’ll be saying “my wife.”

Rhodah and I gave up on marrying in person. The only non-tropical location we could find within reasonable distances was Iceland. I didn’t want to meet in a warm New World setting like Cancun and Jamaica. Who wants to get married in a hot place full of drunk, sweaty tourists? I have had enough of the tropics.

Iceland sounds like fun, but we would be blowing like $3000 just to get married, only to go somewhere nicer as soon as the wedding was over. Getting married an hour from your house and then going where you really want to go is fine, but wasting 5 days and lots of money on a second-place destination is not.

Today I finished our online application in Utah County, Utah. I don’t even know the name of the county seat. Just the county. For $70, they set us up very quickly. You upload a few documents and fill in some blanks. Then you enter payment, and a minute or two later, you are licensed.

In the confirmation email, they provided a link to a page where we can make an appointment with an officiant from the clerk’s office. They have spots open as early as Monday.

The strange thing is how stress-free all this is. We aren’t second-guessing ourselves. We’re not nervous. The main thing that concerns me is how relaxed I am. How can it be this easy?

I have two friends who want to be our official witnesses, so scheduling will revolve around them. Once Rhodah and I have a time that works for both of them, we can deal with other people who want to sit in. I don’t know if it’s possible to include “guests.” I’ll find out tomorrow.

Thanks, everyone who offered to witness in my comments. Had I not had potential witnesses on tap, you would have been life savers.

It’s a shame Rhodah can’t come to America. Biden’s idiotic travel ban has nothing at all to do with science. The leftists who elected him are hysterical and irrational when it comes to coronavirus, so he is maintaining the bans to keep them happy.

America was the single biggest coronavirus hotbed for a long time, and we already have the delta variant here, so, as scientists have said, there is no point at all in restricting travel. Coronavirus is here, so what are we trying to keep out? Pressure to return to sane travel policies is mounting, but Biden looks out for himself, not America, so he is taking his time.

I told Rhodah someone should chloroform him and fix things while he’s out. His wife probably already has a kit.

People whose businesses are dying because of leftist hysteria vote, so maybe Biden’s self-centered reluctance will hurt him in 2024, assuming he hasn’t already been removed from office because his dementia has progressed.

Once we’re married and can show we had a honeymoon, we can apply for a spouse visa. Then we wait. In the meantime, we will have to meet for trips every so often. Maybe Biden will have a lucid moment and okay tourist visas.

Switzerland says it may let us in for a honeymoon, but getting a visa for Rhodah may involve a lot of work. There aren’t a lot of other pleasant honeymoon destinations. Sweaty, beachy countries, Muslim countries, and European countries where people’s names have no vowels. That’s most of it. I think Thailand is open, but flying to Thailand is like driving to Jupiter.

Really long trips aren’t that bad if you have someone with you or you’re not meeting anyone, but it’s unpleasant to work them out when you have to meet another person. This is especially true when it’s someone whose welfare is your responsibility.

I like Switzerland. I can communicate in English and French. I’ve been there before, so I won’t be confused. It’s probably the safest place on Earth. The food is good, and they have interesting, decadent Swiss stuff full of potatoes and melted cheese. It may well be the most beautiful country there is. The weather is excellent.

I really don’t want to end up in a place like the Czech Republic, Albania, or Turkey. I don’t want to deal with countries I know nothing about, weird alphabets, regimes that torture people for wearing shorts, or the depressing atmosphere Islam invariably generates. I admit, it might be fun playing drinking games with Melania Trump’s family.

Tomorrow we should have some idea whether Switzerland will cooperate. If not, we may have to go to Iceland whether we want to or not. The sun is shining all day there now. That would be weird. I assume they make really good blackout curtains. Not like the crummy ones we have here that always let the sun blaze through an opening 5 feet long.

I am not all that comfortable about the ring, because buying rubies is so complicated. I found a nice stone and a magnificent setting. I’m unsure about the company that sells it, and I can’t find what I want anywhere else. I read a few disturbing things about them. Someone claims the president went to prison for defrauding people. They have a no-cost return period, though, so I would be able to have it appraised here.

You can’t get a good deal on a ring. All you can get is the best bad deal. Buying women’s jewelry is like buying coffins and anything made by Apple. You will always overpay. Buyers have spoiled sellers for centuries, treating their fungible goods as though every piece were a treasure and every occasion was as important as the second coming. “How often does little Ashley graduate from T-ball camp?”

You pretty much have to spend x, knowing the seller paid x/4 or less. I don’t mind. I just wish jewelers wouldn’t pretend rings were investments. Take my money, but don’t ruin the experience by insulting my intelligence. Something you buy for x and sell for a fraction of x is not an investment. No one has ever paid retail for a ring and then turned around and made money.

My plan is to buy the ring, have it appraised, and be content if the RETAIL (not resale) value is somewhere close to what I paid. If that’s true, then everything will be fine. I don’t want to find out I paid a lot and gave Rhodah a piece of junk. I want her to be thrilled.

The web says jewelers mark up wedding rings by 300 to 1000 percent. When you’re getting soaked like that, it has to be for love.

My buddy Mike used to know the Zale family, from Zale’s Jewelers. He wanted to buy a girl a ring, so they showed him a bunch he could choose from at cost. He says the thousand-dollar rings were down around $100. Don’t think about this if you’re a man and you’re still paying off a ring.

I’ll probably order the ring tomorrow. I’ll do my best to have it checked out. If we keep it and start having doubts about it later, we can always buy a different center stone. Rhodah absolutely must be happy with it.

I feel like I’m dreaming as I write about these things. In February, I was alone and willing to accept it. By mid-March, I was in love and thinking seriously about marriage. It’s early July, and I may be 5 days away from a crazy online wedding.

Who says we don’t serve a great God?