Thank God I Don’t Have a Bridezilla

What a day I’m having. I woke up before the sun was out, the only practical obligations I’ve attended to were feeding my pets and putting a pork roast in the oven, and I’ve been busy the rest of the time with ministry. I didn’t get to shower until after 1:00.

A friend is having terrible problems within his household. He spent several days in the hospital with coronavirus, and before he got home, someone in the family was tormenting him and threatening to tear the family apart.

I got some very disturbing calls before 8:00, and I did what I could. Afterward, I prayed that God would give the problem person whatever he had to give, and take away whatever had to be taken away, in order for that person’s mischief to end, and, if possible, to cause that person to change.

The next call I got was about that person. The individual had had a sudden coronavirus relapse and was bedridden with a fever. Suddenly, the bedridden person no longer had nearly as much power to beat down my friend, who is still not completely over his own illness.

I spent time praying and calling in others for prayer. I spent a good deal of time praying in tongues. I also had a prayer session with my friend, via phone.

These things ate up hours, and I also devoted time to “Rebecca,” my Zambian sweetheart. We shared testimony and prayed a lot.

While we were talking today, she abruptly announced that she wanted to quit school. She is right. There is no conceivable benefit to staying, and it interferes with our relationship and our prayer time. I said I would support her in her choice, whatever it turned out to be. Nothing is final yet.

She’s not really in “school.” She already has a law degree. She is studying for the bar exam, outside of the university.

My sense is that God wants us to move quickly, and I can see why that might be true. The world gets nuttier by the second. The Democrats are about to pack the Supreme Court, and all hell will break loose before long.

BREAK

We have had another video chat. We did our daily period of prayer, including intercession. While we were at work, Rebecca got a revelation about her plans. It’s official: we are going to get together as soon as we can, regardless of what school demands of her. If we can do it before her first round of tests ends, we will do it, and she will not take the tests.

This is a relief. Now we know where we stand.

We should get everything over with, quickly. I can’t even guess how weird the world will be in the fall. The Pentagon just admitted UFO’s are real, gun-grabbing is heating up, and Joe Rogan is in trouble for implying he doesn’t want to see nude pictures of a transsexual whose true sex I can’t even guess. It’s like the second half of Ghostbusters. How long will it be before we see dogs and cats living together?

Maybe I shouldn’t joke, but did you ever think it would be this crazy? It wouldn’t surprise me if Godzilla attacked tomorrow.

Israel is only allowing tourists in for guided tours now. Maybe we could join one and get into the country this summer, but it seems like a painful waste of about $12,000. A guided tour would drag us around to places we don’t want to visit. We would have to eat at restaurants that give them kickbacks instead of eating good food. I would rather rent a car and go where we want, saving a ton of money in the process.

I really don’t want to go to Dubai, but it’s the only alternative we have, short of a horrific trip to Zambia, three days of which would be spent in transit. Rebecca is all done with Zambia, and she doesn’t want me to visit. It appears to be a peaceful and prosperous country, but it also sounds dull. Not worth 72 hours of coach seats. She says she has no plans to go back for visits.

Dubai. Whatever. Let’s just make it Dubai. We’ll have falafel. I like falafel.

I am learning about engagement rings. Part of me resents a system that manipulates men to overspend on things that depreciate instantly. Another part reminds me that even if the system is sick, it’s a good thing to give a woman jewelry. I can’t complain if I’m being manipulated to do something I would want to do even if I were not being manipulated.

I have no idea what the markup on rings is, but I would be amazed if I didn’t get taken to the cleaner’s. There is no way around it. There are two times in life when you will be shamed into paying full retail on things that aren’t worth what they cost: when you get married, and when you die. Actually, you have to overpay when someone else dies. If it’s you, you won’t let the undertaker pressure you, but if it’s your wife, you’ll feel like you have to buy the $20,000 walnut coffin with gold-plated handles.

In 1994, my mother’s coffin cost $7000. I guess that model costs twice as much now.

In case anyone is interested, the average price for an engagement ring in my state is about $8900. I guess I sound cheap, or just male, but that figure surprised me. I mean, it’s not a motorcycle or a milling machine. And this is the AVERAGE figure, which means young people with very little money are spending this much. The typical American wedding starts with hiring prostitutes for a bachelor party, then you spend $25,000 on a one-day celebration of a narcissistic woman, then you have a $5,000 honeymoon, and then you spend two years paying off the debt instead of buying a home. If you have bridesmaids, they end up blowing maybe $2000 each. Piling on $8900 for a ring, plus whatever a wedding band costs, does not seem intelligent for the average couple.

I’m not poor. Am I supposed to spend $25,000? Expensive rings don’t look better; just bigger. It’s like putting a disco ball on a woman’s finger. A normal ring is tasteful and unostentatious. Princess Diana’s oversized, gaudy ring shouted, “BOW DOWN, PEASANT!”

A setting, which is just a ring without a stone, can easily run over $900. There might be $100 worth of gold in the ring, so where is the rest of the money going? It’s not going into skilled labor. The same skill and time go into making rings that sell for $50. Hmm.

Rebecca doesn’t like the idea of wearing two rings on one finger, so we will be doing things the traditional way, without a band.

I don’t want a wedding band for myself. I would lose it, I hate rings, and rings are very dangerous for people who like to use tools. Women don’t chase me–not women I would want–so it’s not like I need a ring to prevent adultery. If I were going to cheat, I would just take the ring off anyway. It’s silly for women to think rings keep their men safe. In reality, a wedding ring makes a man more attractive to sluts.

Aside from all that, rings on men are generally effeminate, except for class rings and perhaps Super Bowl rings. Necklaces raise a rebuttable presumption of homosexuality.

I was thinking I might buy a wedding band just so I could say I had one, but after that, I would put it in a drawer. I’ve never had a class ring, and I haven’t worn a watch in so long, I can’t remember the last time I left the house wearing one.

I have to be honest. I think a man of average means who spends more than a grand on a ring is a fool. He’s going to have to buy a home, feed a wife, pay to have kids…an extra $7900 would help a lot.

I wish I knew what people do in Dubai for fun. I looked at a site describing activities, and all I saw were Arabs in long robes, riding quads in the sand, driving four-by-fours in the sand…you can imagine. “Come to our modern new water park…in the sand!” “Come see our new skyscraper…in the sand!”

It must be better than it sounds.

Newlyweds wouldn’t need activities, but single Christian people do.

Spending money on a trip doesn’t bother me, because it doesn’t seem like a colossal waste. I’m fine with the ring, I’m fine with the trip, and I’m fine with the cost of the cows I have to use to buy the bride. I wouldn’t like spending the price of a new car on the wedding, but because Rebecca and I are both introverted, practical people, our wedding will not cost a lot.

Are we supposed to have a honeymoon, after going to Dubai? I guess so. I wouldn’t want to go overseas again during the same year. Where are people supposed to go in America? Vegas is out. It’s a focal point of sin and depravity.

I’m looking at suggested destinations. Beach, beach, beach, beach…really? I grew up in Florida, and Rebecca can’t swim. Forget beaches. Forget Hawaii. Forget the Bahamas; I’ve done the Bahamas to death. The other big option is ski vacations. Why do normal, unathletic people want to ski? My knees are in perfect condition, and I want to keep them. My dad’s former partner skied into a tree, and it slammed him right in the crotch, just like in the cartoons. His private parts were the crumple zone, and then the tree shattered his pelvis. No, thank you.

I think what honeymooners need is a really good hotel and some top-notch restaurants, but then I’m a Christian. A typical honeymooner got tired of having sex with his wife three years before they were married, so it’s no wonder they want to ski and go hang-gliding. It must be a real drag, arriving in the hotel and thinking the most exciting thing to do is to see what’s on cable. “Oh, honey! They have ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm!'”

This reminds me of a great story which is supposedly true. It comes from historian Stephen Ambrose. A flyer was being interviewed by an Army Air Corps psychiatrist. The shrink asked him how many times he had sex with his wife on their wedding night. The man was offended, but he mentioned a low figure. The shrink smiled and said, “I got my wife six times.” The flyer said, “Yes, but my wife was inexperienced.”

Hope I got the wording right.

If things go well, we will be together next month, and after that, it’s just a matter of getting a visa. Biden just responded to shaming by speeding up fiancee visas, so maybe we will be together this year in the United States instead of Dubai. I certainly hope so.