Nuptial Decisions Prove to be Above my Pay Grade

Day 26 of my online courtship has gone well. I made some excellent homemade bread. That’s unrelated to the courtship. It’s just one reason why the day has gone well.

INGREDIENTS

520 g bread flour
1.5 tsp. salt
1 tbsp. bread machine yeast
3 tbsp. sugar
4 tbsp. butter
310 g warm water

Throw the dry stuff in your food processor and blend until mixed. Add the water and blend until you get a coherent ball. After 10 minutes, blend the butter in. Add some salt to melted butter and grease a bread pan. Shape the dough into a loaf. Put the loaf in a pan and butter it. Allow to rise until it looks like a loaf should. Bake at 450 until the internal temperature hits about 195.

I also had a very good time interceding via video chat with my Zambian sweetheart. I have learned that intercession carries an unexpected benefit. You really need to tell people after you intercede, so they can agree with you and look for God’s answer. Because of this, intercession keeps you in touch with people.

We prayed for our relationship, and while I was speaking, I made a misstep. She suggested I pray for our children, and I was kind of stuck. It seems highly presumptuous for me to pray for our children as though they were definitely coming, because it’s like I’m assuming she will say yes if I propose. Also, I think a man is supposed to try to protect a woman from hasty decisions. Or at least he should pretend to.

Anyway, she was not all that happy with the disclaimers I inserted in my prayers, so I had to smooth all that over. She thought I sounded like I didn’t want to marry her or have children when, in fact, I was simply trying not to be an idiot.

Four weeks ago, I was completely prepared to get old and die with my tools and my smoker. Now I find myself plunged into a courtship process I know almost nothing about, so it’s not a huge surprise if there are occasional bumps in the road.

My feeling was that you shouldn’t play around with a woman by talking about marriage as though it were a done deal, prior to handing over the ring or at least proposing. Evidently, I was totally wrong about this, as men often are about nearly everything. Evidently the best course is to talk as though the church were already rented.

I don’t know how this works. It’s all trial and error.

I have written about my friends Diamond and Silk; two young Haitian ladies I got to know back when I was attending Trinity Church. I had a long conversation with Diamond today, and she provided a lot of helpful information concerning decisions she had made. A) I am, in fact, going to marry Rebecca. B) Diamond and Silk will be bridesmaids. C) They will wear pink dresses. D) Diamond’s daughter Carat will be the flower girl, at the age of three.

Thank goodness I don’t have to make any of those tough decisions. I’m not qualified.

I told Diamond to let me know the date of the ceremony so I could arrange to be there. Until then, all I have to do is hand over a grocery bag full of cash.

In case people still think I’m kidding about buying my wife, I will provide a link to Wikipedia’s article on the subject: LINK.

Here’s the annoying thing about the article: there is nothing in it about consumer protection. In the US, under the Uniform Commercial Code, goods sold typically carry an implied warranty of fitness for their purpose. It looks like I’m not getting one of those. What if Rebecca fails to serve her purpose? I don’t even get a partial refund.

I don’t get free repairs, either. She already had to have a cavity fixed. Shouldn’t I be able to bill that to the family?

Seems to me that Africa is behind the times. Here in America, every tool at Harbor Freight can be returned up to 90 days after purchase, but if my wife suffers some kind of mechanical failure, I will be left holding the bag. My understanding is that the price I pay for her will be consumed in riotous living in a matter of days, so even if the family wanted to compensate me, they would have nothing to offer except maybe some celebratory selfies.

I guess I’ll just have to bear the risk. Unless there is a Zambian firm that offers aftermarket wife warranties.

This is where it stands right now. It’s a touching story. Part true love. Part human trafficking.

I can’t wait to get her over here. I want to secure her within our borders before the next wave of coronavirus insanity reduces us all to traveling on foot.

I’ll be back with updates as Diamond provides them.