My Life as a Joseph Heller Character

My life is like a French absurdist play.

As I have written, I tried Christian Mingle, an online dating service. I learned that everyone who showed any interest in me, apart from a few women who were extremely unattractive, was actually an African scammer. In fact, the unattractive women are probably scammers, too. I didn’t investigate because I didn’t want to deal with them at all.

One scammer admitted what she had done. I say “she,” which is a guess at this point. We have exchanged a few emails. She apologized and genuinely seems interested in prayer in tongues.

Last night, two “women” with real profiles complete with multiple photos initiated contact. I thought it was a little odd that women 20 years younger would do that, but what the heck. They didn’t have that scammy look, and they didn’t act like scammers when I responded. They took hours to respond. Scammers are generally very quick, like fishermen trying to set a hook.

Well, I heard back from both of them. They’re scammers after all. I mentioned Africa and scammers, and they stopped responding instantly.

Am I a scammer, too? I must be, since I’m on Christian Mingle.

Here is the weirdest part yet. I realized I had a potential ally. I have emailed the scammer who apologized to me, and I asked what it is about my profile that draws scammers. It’s genius, but it’s also exceedingly bizarre.

Another one contacted me a short while ago. I knew what I was dealing with, but I responded anyway, because now I have accepted my position as official liaison to African scammers. I asked if she was in Africa, and she insisted she was in San Jose. Her profile says Utah. She said her friend in California set up the account. I told her it was easy to pick out scammers by asking them questions an American would be able to answer.

She actually challenged me to ask her. I said, “Do you have any thoughts about the recall?”

I knew that was a tough one for a person in Namibia or whatever. I didn’t give her any clues as to what a recall was or who it involved. She ignored the question.

Why don’t I just move to Africa? It would save time.

It may well be that every single person I have interacted with in any way is a foreign scammer. So what did I pay for?

I would guess that the elderly women who contacted me, and the lady who has no hands or feet, were genuine. Maybe the really obese ladies were real. Scammers try to use accounts belonging to alluring women. But I may be wrong. They’re pretty crazy.

I don’t know the answers. I don’t get angry about it any more, though. God helped me with that.

If the “lady” I emailed comes back with any useful information, I may blog it. This whole business is very interesting to me.