L-O-L-A Lolaaaaaa…

Two very bad things have happened to me today. First, we inaugurated Joe Biden. My standing comment on this is that we went to the rodeo and bet on the clown. Second, and I know I am making myself look like an idiot when I say this, I gave in to pressure and talked to some women on Christianmingle.com.

Go ahead. Let me have it.

I have learned some fascinating things about this site.

The primary thing that surprised me is that virtually everyone who contacts you will be either incredibly, incurably undesirable, in ways that will make you wish you had never heard of sex, or they will be male scammers from foreign countries.

I have probably messaged back and forth with 35 people today. I say “people” because I very much doubt any of them were female. As far as I know, not a single one is real.

When you first start using the site, you will be forced to use a name that starts with “Mingler,” like “Mingler_3j42.” It takes a day or two for your chosen name to show up. During this time, you may start receiving barrages of “smiles” from people whose names also start with “Mingler.” It’s foreign scammers whose accounts are new because they just opened them in order to steal from you.

These accounts usually won’t have photos, because it takes a while for the site to approve them. The scammers will get around this by helpfully sending pictures like the one below.

I removed the top of her head because this is presumably an innocent woman whose picture was stolen, and she probably doesn’t want her face on my site. I keep receiving photos from women who are way too pretty to be so interested in me.

To help the ladies, I will let you know that this person is a solid 8 out of 10. This picture is excellent man bait.

Here’s something else. They will badger you to go to Google Hangouts. I thought Google Hangouts had been abandoned and removed from the Internet, but, sadly, that is not the case. Scammers want you to go there and chat with them, and I suppose they have a good scammy reason. Maybe it makes it easier to obstruct law enforcement.

When you pressure me to go to Google Hangouts, you are pressuring the wrong guy. I hate Google Hangouts, along with all other forms of social media except Youtube (which I hate a little). One of the reasons I hacked my phone was to be able to delete Google Hangouts.

They also beg for your phone number over and over, and, if they can’t get that, your email address.

They use bad grammar, which makes China look likely.

Right now, I am talking to one. I got a smile from a random Mingler, and here is how things are going:

Mingler_a93e: She sent you a smile!

Me: Hi. I will never, ever go to Google Hangouts, and I don’t give people my phone number.

Mingler_a93e: [suggestive, unchristian photo] Come on text me through hangouts florencenorvo@gmail.com

Me: What’s your name? Achmed? Dmitri? Feng Shui? I know scammers generally come from backward foreign countries where the US dumps nuclear waste

He’s stuck now. Doesn’t know what to say.

Wow! It says “Removed User.” I guess I rocked his world. His boss in the Internet cafe in Pakistan is probably beating him with his shoe.

I ran into one really good one. He started asking me about prayer in tongues and Bible verses. I thought he was for real. I gave him my email address. He actually mentioned some verses, himself. That’s pretty sophisticated. Most non-Christians can’t pull that off. Then he started calling me his teacher and canceled his account, saying he no longer needed to talk to other men.

It makes me think of Zaphod Beeblebrox.

In case you don’t know, in the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Zaphod Beeblebrox was the President of the Galaxy. He had an enormous ego. Odd, for a politician. He was an utter moron, but he thought he was wonderful. At one point in the book, he was put in a machine that showed people exactly how insignificant they were, and people assumed he would die from the humiliation.

Am I in that machine today?

I have heard from dozens of “women” today, and I’m pretty sure every single one whose picture wasn’t like running my toe into furniture was actually a man in a foreign country.

It would be great of scores of beautiful women in their thirties were really after me, but this is Florida, not Fantasy Island.

I just hooked another one. I gave him the Google Hangouts pitch, and he still asked me to go there. I said, “I think you’re a dude in Pakistan or India.” Now he seems mad. I guess our trip to Disney World is off.

This is amazing. Does anyone ever meet a real human being this way?

My friend Mike badgered me into this. He met a Spirit-filled lady who looks great and teaches firearms classes. She was so promising, they actually visited each other.

Maybe there was a Nigerian guy hiding inside her.

Two more “Removed User” notices. Christian Mingle should pay me.

One lady messaged and said she was messaging on behalf of her friend Tina. All I had to do to see Tina’s pictures was to enter my username and password on another website. Yeah, that sounds smart.

I can’t help thinking of my experiences with churches. I showed up, full of sincerity, and I ended up giving my service to crooks, women with goddess complexes, and a child rapist. They all pretended to be the real thing, but I meant nothing to them, and so did God.

One of the harsh realities of life is that when you go out into the world looking to do good, you are always likely to run into a walking bag of pus who has spent his or her life training to punish you for doing it.

I wish I had something encouraging to say. I tried churches, and I was chased by women my friends still joke about. I quit going to church, and I met nobody. I checked out Christian Mingle, and I met men who type in pidgin English and seriously expect me to send them money.

Being single is not optimal, but it’s not painful, either, and it’s orders of magnitude better than spending my life with the wrong woman. If God has decided not to breach the barriers between me and marriage, I’ll be just fine.

I plan to talk to some more scammers now, simply because it’s entertaining. Might as well get something for my money.

MORE

I have to post more of this stuff.

She sent you a smile!

Me: Hi. I don’t use Google Hangouts, and I don’t give people my phone number.

Mingler_6f61: how are you doing today handsome man?

Me: I’m here to meet women, not male scammers in foreign countries.

Mingler_6f61: that sound good Handsome
what are you here for and where are you from as well

Me: I am here for great deals on counterfeit Louis Vuitton handbags, and I am from the planet Uranus.
Are you even reading this?

Mingler_6f61: yes handome

She sent you a smile!

Me: Hi. I don’t use Google Hangouts, and I don’t give people my phone number.

Mingler_3d07: Well it nice to meet you and i will like you to tell me about yourself..?

Me: I have never been to China, Russia, or Africa, and I don’t want to send my savings account there.

Mingler_3d07: Very Good..So tell me for how long have you been on here

Me: I am a giraffe, and I have been here ever since I escaped from the zoo.

I’m up to two more “Removed Users.”