My New Washer isn’t Green, and Neither are my Clothes

This is easily the greatest day of my life. I just installed a non-green top-loading commercial washer.

I took a picture of her. I have to share.

I can’t believe she got here so fast. My horrible old LG washer pooped out two days ago, and I’m already back in business.

I already wrote about my hatred of modern front-loading mold-growing washers. They don’t get anything clean. They take forever to run. You have to do half loads because otherwise the clothes don’t get wet. They’re perfect examples of leftist hypocrisy. Tell people you want to save water and energy, then make washers that have to run twice to do the same work. And of course they break down sooner, so the energy and material costs of manufacturing, selling, and installation are at least doubled.

I threw two queen-sized blankets in it to try it out. I have a habit of using my bed as a gunsmithing bench, so they had grease on them. I’m timing the machine to see how long it takes. It’s so beautiful It must have used 10 gorgeous gallons of warm water to fill itself.

When it started spinning, I ran into the laundry room and rested my head on the lid. Ecstasy.

This machine is wonderful. It only has 6 settings. It has knobs. No LED display. No video. No phone app.

I’ve already done my first load and started my second! I timed it. It did a whole load in under 30 minutes! In your FACE, greenies!

I love that green start button. Someone at Maytag must have done that as a personal chin-flick to Al Gore.

I can’t remember what it was like to have clothing that didn’t smell like mold. I guess it’s been over 10 years. I’ve been a prisoner, leaving washer doors open so they were always in the way. I had to plan my laundry in advance because I knew I would have to be awake 90 minutes after the machine started, to move things to the dryer. This is incredible.

Guess how much energy the new moldy washers save? Guess! Actually, I don’t know the answer, but it can’t be much, because the little sticker on my new machine said the yearly power cost would be $18. If $18 is bad, what’s good? Did running my old machine cost $17.50? It was certainly worth it to smell like a homeless person. I really saved the planet.

Best case scenario, if the old machine used no power at all: $18 in savings. Come on. Who seriously thinks that’s a bargain? If I offered you to pay you $18 to stink for the next 12 months, would you take it?

I’m going to be buried next to this washing machine. That’s how much I love it. I’m going to have the funeral home director fill it with plastic grocery bags and plastic straws. Thank God I live in a place where plastic is still king. Back in Coral Gables, grown people who should know better are lugging their groceries around in ludicrous paper bags that split.

I came up with a great idea for people who hate paper bags. You’ll thank me. You know how groceries give you a choice between paper bags and bringing your own? Here’s what you do: go on Ebay and buy a thousand plastic grocery bags for $13.99 (actual price). Then bring them to the store and make the bag people use them! Hey, you brought your own! It’s legal!

When you’re done putting your grocery bags away, throw them out! They cost a penny each! Who cares?

This is so great. This is better than the time I bought old-fashioned eco-hostile nozzles for my plastic gas cans. It feels better than throwing all my old curly fluorescent bulbs into the trash, to be carted off to pollute the landfill with mercury. I thought that felt good, but it pales next to the joy of knowing my clothes won’t smell.

I think I’ll change my tractor’s oil and pour the old oil out in the yard. I’m on a roll.

Factory veal! Where can I get factory veal?! I…I want to paint my house with lead paint! I must have it!

I SUPPORT WHALING! GET ME A WHALE BURGER!

I’m going to cook my whale burgers on a fire made from burning coronavirus face diapers!

I can’t tell you how great it is to have a real washing machine. I was so tired of bending over to get stuff out of the old one. I was tired of the lying LED display that told me my clothes would be done in 3 minutes, only to make me wait 15. I hated knowing that leftist goofballs who were completely wrong were able to make me a slave to a stupidly designed machine I could not live without.

It’s the laundry rapture! I’ve been called out of the mildew-smelling masses!

This is actually what the Messianic Age after the rapture and tribulation will be like. Imagine a world free of idiocy.

My second load is done! Twenty-seven minutes! What else can I wash?

It may take me three days to wind down. Buy one of these machines. You will love it.