One Good Dish Doesn’t Make a Restaurant Credible

Even though I had steak for dinner last night, I am tempted to have it again. One of my Youtube videos got a comment that makes me want to thaw out a prime rib eye.

I was fed up with people making the ridiculous claim that steak should be “rested” before serving. Steakhouses don’t do it, and it makes no sense to begin with. Steak should be very hot on the outside, and you don’t get that if you leave it sitting on a plate for five minutes. It’s just dumb. It should be obvious.

Humoring the people who entertain this notion, as though it were worthy of respect and consideration, I made a video. I took an aged choice rib eye, cut it in two pieces, and ate it. I ate the pieces five minutes apart, so the second one got to rest. And as I could have predicted, the first piece was better, because it was hotter on the outside. All the BS you hear about the juices redistributing themselves…none of that stuff happened.

It was a good test. Perfectly valid. Not as conclusive as, say, 50 tests, with different cuts. But reasonably scientific. Two pieces of meat, from the same steak. One for a control. One rested. We’re not talking about a subtle, evasive piece of data, here. Not something that requires a particle collider and a supercomputer. My test was more than adequate.

Some guy who claims he worked at the Peter Luger steakhouse in Brooklyn left a comment, saying I didn’t know what I was talking about. In the video, I pointed out that Peter Luger doesn’t rest steaks. He said that was because their steaks were aged four weeks, so they had less “blood,” and they didn’t need resting. HELLO? In the video, I said I was using aged meat. And where was his evidence that non-aged meat needed resting? Where was his test? There wasn’t one. And who eats non-aged steaks anyway? Why would you ruin a good prime steak by eating it without aging it? I’ve done it in the past because I didn’t know any better, but it’s a very stupid thing to do. When you pay for prime, age it yourself or make sure it’s aged before you buy it. A fresh piece of prime will be surprisingly tough and flavorless. I avoid buying individual steaks now, because you can’t age them. I buy rib roasts and put them in the cooler until they’re perfect.

The Peter Luger religion is a pet peeve of mine. I’ve been there, and you know what? It’s a bad restaurant. That’s not a subjective statement, either. There are solid objective criteria this place fails to meet. First, the service is bad. This even extends to their unwillingness to take credit cards, forcing customers to walk in Brooklyn at night with hundreds of dollars in cash on them. Second, the atmosphere is horrible; they serve you on wobbly tables with no varnish or cloths, and it’s loud, and as one reviewer put it, it’s like eating in a frat house. Third, a lot of the food is bad. I was served cold rolls that probably came from a bag bought from a cheap restaurant supplier; you can do better in any grocery store. The salad is a big nothing. The sides are boring and not particularly well prepared; you can get better stuff from Birdseye. The sodas are tiny, and they sling them at you with little glasses half-full of melting ice. The steak was fantastic, but it’s also fantastic at restaurants that aren’t total failures in all other regards.

There are problems with the steak. For one thing, they don’t offer a variety of cuts. They really push the porterhouse. Guess what? It’s not necessarily the best cut, and it’s not what a lot of customers want. It’s a filet and a strip, separated by a bone. Filets lack flavor. Strips aren’t all that tender or juicy. If I were going to have a filet, which is not my first choice, I’d want it by itself, wrapped in bacon. If I were going to have a strip, well, I wouldn’t, unless it was something I fixed at home because it was cheap. Some people like rib eyes; I think it’s the best cut on the cow. Some people like Delmonicos. They have a right to their opinions. It’s stupid to pretend you know better than a sophisticated customer.

Here’s another horrible problem with their steak. You can’t order steak for one. So they cut the damned thing up when they bring it to you. I was appalled. I’m not a four year old. I don’t want a waiter cutting my steak, letting the juice and the heat out. Ridiculous. Give me a steak that’s the right size for one hungry human being.

People complain about the wine list, too. I wouldn’t know. I’m not a wine drinker. But when the cheapest steak costs $81, the wine list ought to be top-notch.

Here’s another insult. They sell steak sauce. It’s nearly the same thing as French dressing. In fact, they recommend you put it on the salad as well as the steak. Why would you prepare quality steak and then encourage your customers to ruin it with sauce? And this sauce isn’t even good to liven up a cheap steak. It’s nasty.

If I were rich, and I lived across the street from this place, I could see going there once in a while for lunch, just for steak and a baked potato. But to sit down and eat dinner with other people? To be treated like a hog at a trough, when I should be getting a pleasant all-round dining experience? Never. Not in a million years. For less money, I can go to Ruth’s and get a gorgeous cowboy rib eye, a baked potato, creme brulee, and a succession of perfect martinis. At home, for $26 per steak, plus a few bucks for a potato and dessert, I can outdo Ruth’s, eat my dinner with friends or a DVD, and end up with about four dishes to wash. I’d have to be an idiot to settle for Peter Luger’s.

People say it’s worth it to put up with the crap at Peter Luger’s, just to get the steak. Sorry. Incorrect. The other high-end steakhouses are just as good. The last steak I had at Ruth’s was magnificent. And any reputable grocer or butcher can sell you prime beef that will age and cook just as good as anything they have at Peter Luger’s. The stories they tell about special beef are just hype. Even if their beef is marginally better, aging and cooking are ten times as important as the quality of the meat. My home-aged choice bone-in rib eyes are better than the prime steaks a lot of restaurants serve. If you get a typical piece of prime, age it well, and cook it properly (a cinch), you’ll beat the professionals. If all you care about is steak, you might as well fix it at home and save yourself a trip.

If meat quality were that important, Peter Luger would use Kobe beef. And they don’t.

The ignorance of reviewers who kiss up to this place is amazing. One guy bragged about being able to eat his steak with a butter knife. If you can’t cut your prime steak with a butter knife, you got cheated. You can probably get by with a butter knife, even at low-end places like Outback. Which happens to be a restaurant I like. Good solid food at a reasonable price. The earth doesn’t move, but they don’t charge you $81 for something you don’t want, either.

I guess I won’t have a rib eye tonight. I’m just not hungry enough. I’ve been getting such great results with cheap Costco meat, I’ve saturated my steak receptors.

I’m considering trying to age a pile of Costco flap meat. That stuff is excellent for the price, and you can buy a big wad of it suitable for aging. I’ll bet it would be phenomenal. It requires a certain amount of sawing and chewing, but aging would tenderize it a lot, and the flavor would improve. Slap a little homemade chimichurri on it…oh, yeah.

When the emperor has no clothes, it’s best to be honest about it. It preserves your credibility. Having been to Peter Luger’s, I will never be able to trust any reviewer who gushes over it. “It’s a classic New York experience”? So is a mugging. Which is much less expensive.

When you criticize this place, you risk attracting fanbois who claim you don’t know what steak is supposed to taste like. Yeah, I got similar remarks when I criticized $5000 stereo cables. Highly credible.

Guess I better start thinking seriously about dinner.