This Campaign has Performed an Illegal Operation and Will be Shut Down

I hope Karl Rove is keeping his payments to Barack Obama current. The Golden Child is doing a wonderful job, generating gaffes to help John McCain.

Today’s atrocity? A TV ad with the following message: JOHN MCCAIN SHOULD NOT BE ELECTED PRESIDENT BECAUSE HE’S OLD.

Proving they know exactly what they’re doing, “Obama spokesman Dan Pfeiffer said the campaign was not making an issue of the 72-year-old McCain’s age.” If this pig had any more lipstick on it, the weight would pull its hind legs off the ground. Pfeiffer went on to bulk up his credibility with the following remarks: “Up is down, September is actually July, and I’m definitely not wearing my underwear.”

The ad features a disco ball. It features unflattering 1982 footage of McCain in Congress. It has a short piece of what appears to be a commercial made in the Fifties. It reminds everyone that he hasn’t mastered crucial Presidential skills, such as email, Myspace, Google, Youtube, Napster, and Facebook.

John McCain is an old fart! He doesn’t know how to SUPERPOKE people! He can’t send Naughty Gifts or Booze Mail! He has ZERO Myspace friends! He has never answered a Nigerian spam letter! We can’t let a guy like that in the White House! Where are his piercings? Where is his Ipod? Where is his creepy little post-90s chin beard? Are you kidding me? This guy is DANGEROUS! We can have Mac, and we’re electing PC’s dad!

What are we going to do, when Putin goes nuts and decides to nuke Poland, and John McCain can’t put a rebuke on Putin’s Facebook Fun Wall?

I have to ask. When did we decide it was okay to discriminate against job applicants based on age? Didn’t liberals coin the term “ageism”? Didn’t they afflict us with laws making age discrimination an incredibly expensive federal tort?

You want age discrimination? I’ll give it to you. The Constitution says you can’t be President until you’re 35, and it was written at a time when a lot of folks dropped dead before reaching that age. What does that tell you? It tells you the framers were more worried about hiring immature punks than they were about Presidents who have to use reading glasses.

Some people–lunatics, I guess–have the crazy idea that human beings learn as they age. They think older people are wiser and more mature. We need to find these people and deprogram them. Then we can fix the Constitution and elect our new co-Presidents, the Olsen twins.

If old is bad, what the hell is Joe Biden doing on Obama’s ticket? He’s SIXTY-FIVE. Joe Biden is NINE DAYS OLDER THAN OBAMA’S MOTHER. On November 20, he’ll have a birthday, and then he won’t be able to serve, because it will be time to turn him into Soylent Green.

Please, please, let Biden pick up on this and try to change his image. He’s insecure enough to do it. He already has plugs and glowing blue teeth. Please, just once before I die, let me watch Joe Biden try to skate on a half-pipe. Let him throw up ONE gang sign at a debate. Then I could die happy. Here’s what he should say when they interview him on Nickelodeon:

Is it because they didn’t work hard? My ancestors, who worked in the Apple stores of Northeast Pennsylvania and would come up after 12 hours and play Wii for four hours? No, it’s not because they weren’t as smart. It’s not because they didn’t work as hard. It’s because they didn’t have a pair of Crocs upon which to stand. Dude.”

I want to see Biden in Mountain Dew commercials. I want to see him play a high school kid on his own DNC-financed sitcom: That 40s Show. That makes Obama Fez. Just imagine it. “Olbermann, to you I say good day!” Then John McCain can come in with a beer in his hand and call Biden “dumbass.”

Let’s see. The Democrats have made it clear they hate working moms. They hate Christians. They hate gun owners. They hate teenage girls who have sex before marriage. Now they hate old people. Who’s next? Who’s left? They call themselves the Big Tent party, but the biggest tent is the one they’re filling with people they detest.

I don’t know what McCain should do about this. Maybe Pfeiffer and Obama should both be grounded.

McCain continues creeping up in the polls, like the shuffleboard scores of a retiree who has just discovered Celebrex. Obama continues working his helpful magic. When a person whose primary job is PR thinks he can do no wrong, wrong is what he is most likely to do. Keep scolding the press, B. Hussein. Keep attacking demographic segments you need in order to survive. This is like the scene in Fight Club, where Ed Norton goes into his boss’s office and beats himself up. You’re doing something the Republicans could never do in their own right.

Hurry, November. Let’s get this thing finished before Illinois mounts a Senatorial recall election.