Today I Lived the Dream

This afternoon I did something some would consider unthinkable.

Long, long ago, in a country far, far away, which was known as the United States, where Bruce Jenner was male and it was okay to throw illegal immigrants out of your country for reasons everyone understood, I had my first chili slaw dog. I believe I ordered it at Uni’s, a small ice cream shack in the town of Cashiers, North Carolina. I recall being stunned that such things existed. I had to try one.

It blew my mind. The combination of cheap buns, hot dogs that were probably mostly saw dust and rat hairs, and chili which may well have been made from stray cats, was excellent. It was more than excellent; it was right.

Since then, I have often joked about eating something even more awe-inspiring: the chili-CHEESE-slaw dog. But I can’t recall actually having one. Maybe I did. At my age, a person has done many, many things. I can’t remember everything. I’m amazed I remembered Uni’s.

Today I decided it was time for my body to cash the check my mouth had written. Behold:

That’s two Ball Park dogs, homemade slaw, colby/jack cheese, and the worst chili you can buy without going to a store brand: Hormel No Beans. I think they generate this stuff from the meat residue too gross even for sausage-making.

I make what may well be the most astonishing chili on earth, so why the can of, for all I know, ground lungs and nipples? Couple of reasons. First, this was just a test run. Second, I’m not sure good chili would work in a chili dog. It’s trash cuisine to begin with, so using good ingredients could well ruin it.

I boiled the dogs in plain old water because I did not want to waste Sierra Nevada ale, and before I added the slaw, I melted the cheese with a Black & Decker heat gun. It went hot dog => chili => cheese => slaw.

Let’s state the obvious: they were magnificent. But there were issues, and I found room for improvement.

First: the slaw went absolutely everywhere. There was no way to contain it. I had to eat directly over the plate, and when I was done, I still needed a broom. In the future, I need to cut the slaw much finer. I used bagged slaw with my own sauce because grating your own cabbage doesn’t make slaw any better. The slaw was way too coarse to be managed easily.

Second: better chili would help. I was eating bland hot dogs, so the bland chili sort of blended into them in my senses.

Third: better hot dogs would help. I think a Hillshire Farms smoked beef sausage would be perfect. I’m not sure why anyone buys the unseasoned Slim Jims that pass for hot dogs in 2020 America.

Fourth: hot dog buns just don’t work. They don’t work for normal hot dogs, let alone beef sausages buried in chili and slaw. I think the best thing is to look for some kind of loaf that has a bun-like texture and cut it up to suit the geometry of the contents.

Fifth: more cheese. What food is there that doesn’t need more cheese? I would go with extra-sharp cheddar next time.

Sixth: onions. This sandwich needs chopped onions between the chili and cheese.

The slaw was pretty simple. Slaw mix, mayo, salt, sugar, celery seed, and cider vinegar. I have made slaw with Miracle Whip, but it doesn’t really work even though it seems like it should.

I recommend trying a couple of these when no one is around. You won’t be sorry.

I feel like listening to the Kentucky Headhunters.