Rubber Gorilla Suit = Ticket to National TV Exposure

It seems like the news these days contains one shocking story after another. Now, unbelievably, they are telling us that the frozen bigfoot found by two highly reputable North Georgia men who wear baseball caps when talking to the press, is a fake. I really can’t believe it. I was totally convinced.

No I wasn’t. I said it was a fraud days ago, basing my conclusion purely on my knowledge of human nature. The sad thing about this is that if, by some miracle, an actual bigfoot turned out to exist, no one would pay any attention.

Actually, they would. People will believe almost anything, even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Most American women still believe in socialism, especially when the male candidate promoting it is cute. Conservative men see the state as a bumbling, meddlesome, thieving nanny. Women see it as a rich husband who doesn’t hog the remote or expect sex.

College graduates in New York still play three-card Monte, a decades-old game which only exists for the purpose of ripping suckers off. Intelligent individuals all over the country still pay total strangers in rusty trucks to put “spare blacktop from another job” on their driveways. Somewhere a man with a high-school education, wearing a stolen white lab coat, is selling laetrile to cancer patients. And half of the the American population believes global warming exists, even as thermometers tell us the world is cooling. Would most Americans believe a good bigfoot story? Hell, yes. And some of us would even be willing to vote for him. Look at Ron Paul’s numbers.

There is no bigfoot. There is no yeti. There is no Loch Ness monster. We aren’t being visited by aliens. There is no karate master on earth who can break a thick hardwood board, across the grain, with any part of his body; they break thin softwood boards along the grain. It is impossible to bend a spoon with your mind. Chi is a myth. Nothing that happens in the Bermuda Triangle is any weirder than the stuff that happens everywhere else. WD40 is not made from fish oil. And Social Security is a Ponzi scheme that will eventually have to be reformed by slashing benefits to the bone.

John Kennedy did not read 2000 words per minute. Nothing interesting is going on at Area 51. The thing that crashed at Roswell really was a weather balloon. Elvish is spoken only by human nerds, because there are no elves. We will never find life on Mars. There are no alligators living in sewers, except for those that were flushed during the last five minutes and which are in the process of drowning. Transcendental meditation is a crock. Hurricane Andrew did not kill hundreds of people, and there are no government freezers full of bodies. We don’t have enough arable land to grow sufficient corn to end the energy crisis. Finally, Oprah is not a genius; she is merely a skilled, moderately bright panderer and possibly the luckiest woman who ever lived.

Now you won’t have to watch Penn and Teller or Mythbusters for a solid three months.

Life is so full of truly weird and extraordinary things; why do we have to make up lies in order to be amazed? Here’s an example. I own a parrot who can tell when I think something is funny, even when I’m in another room and I’m not speaking. When I get an urge to laugh, Marvin laughs first. That’s more impressive to me than John Kennedy pretending to read 40 newspapers every morning. Or whatever the number was. And I’m not stupid enough to believe it makes Marv a psychic. Obviously, there is some clue he picks up on, which I can’t perceive. Like the clue that tells him he’s over something expensive, so it’s time to drop a watery deuce.

For that matter, the experiences that have confirmed God’s existence to me are more impressive than, say, a hairy Israeli pretending to bend spoons on the Merv Griffin Show. Maybe our sick thirst for the bizarre is a consequence of rejecting God. People who believe see more than enough weird things to make them happy.

I kind of miss the Amazing Kreskin. He did all sorts of wonderful tricks, admitting the entire time that it was all BS. Penn and Teller ought to send him ten percent of their income; he invented their shtick.

At least one of the bigfoot grifters is going to be fired from his job. That’s a good thing. He’s a cop, and what did he just do? He faked evidence. In front of the entire country. Imagine him on a witness stand in a criminal case.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY: So Officer Jim Bob. You say you found my client’s .357 next to the body, with his fingerprints all over it.

OFFICER JIM BOB: Yep.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Here’s a photo you took at the crime scene. What do you see in the lower left corner?

OFFICER JIM BOB: A leprechaun holding a unicorn horn.

JUDGE: Bailiff, pimpslap that man.

I appreciate you reading this, and I know you thought it was funny. How do I know? I asked Marv.