Clerks III

Am I crazy, or has Kevin Smith totally given up?

I just took a look at a teaser for his new film, Zack and Miri Make a Porno. It’s funny, but it’s only funny because it’s unbelievably filthy. Any imbecile who can string a few dirty words together can be hilarious. It requires very little talent. Why on earth is a middle-aged man with a whole bunch of movies to his credit still resorting to cheap humor? What kind of legacy is that?

Not every dirty filmmaker lacks talent. Mike Judge made Beavis and Butt-head, which was full of filth and sensationalism. Then he made King of the Hill, which was not only cleaner, but somewhat wholesome. And it was really good. Why isn’t Kevin Smith willing to face the same challenge? My guess: desperation. He made his ensemble movies, which made a little money, and then he made Jersey Girl, which did not. Then he went back to the ensemble. And he made a big speech about how it had nothing to do with having failed and wanting to go back to something safe. But who believes that? Nobody. His audience isn’t completely stupid. Does anyone seriously believe that when he made Jersey Girl, he planned to go back to Jay and Silent Bob? Come on. No way. When he made Jersey Girl, he was looking for a way out. He wanted to prove he could do something new. Any creative person can see that.

He gets really furious when people poke at this sensitive topic, which tells you everything you need to know. I just saw a video where a fan asked him if he was going to move on to new things, and Smith heaped vile insults on him. Smith was exposed, and he didn’t like it.

I think he’s making a big mistake, going back to high school humor. He should have sucked it up after Jersey Girl and tried again. It’s not like he’s poor or old. It wouldn’t have killed him to make a second more or less grown-up film.

Or maybe I’m wrong. Maybe he doesn’t have what it takes. I’m trying to remember the clean parts of his films, to get an idea of whether he can be funny without going cheap. He wrote a lot of scenes that were smart and clean, but I don’t recall a lot of clean scenes that made me laugh. Okay, I can think of some things. Hooper X was funny.

He may be misgauging his audience very badly. His fans are not young any more. Clerks is fourteen years old, and Smith’s only real successes were 1999’s Dogma and 2006’s Clerks II, and they were not hits. Maybe his aging audience is getting tired of sex and poop jokes, and turning back to these old standbys is the worst thing he can do. I own a copy of Clerks, but if Clerks had been made this year, at my age, I wouldn’t have gone to see it.

Besides, at a certain age, you have to ask yourself if you want to a) make quality movies or b) be the next John Waters.

I think about issues like this a lot, because I’m religious, but I would like to keep on writing humor. I don’t want to suck the fun out of my books. But is that really a risk, for a talented person? No. Far from it. In fact, clean sells, IF it’s clean and funny. If I’m willing to take twice as long to write a page, I can be both, so that’s what I should try to do. It takes more work, but it also demonstrates a higher level of ability.

You want proof that you don’t have to be dirty to be funny and profitable? Here: My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Funnier than anything Kevin Smith has ever done. No filth. No cruelty. You can watch it with your grandmother and your twelve-year-old son. Budget: $5 million. Gross: $368 million, plus. Guess what you would have if you added up the grosses of all of Kevin Smith’s movies. Here’s your answer: less. In fact, that would probably be true if you slashed the 3 and only kept the 6 and the 8. If Nia Vardalos drops dead today, and Kevin Smith continues making movies for thirty years, her lifetime gross will probably still dwarf his, and she has only made one movie to his eight. And if she and Kevin Smith walk into a studio head’s office today at the same time, each claiming to have a fantastic new script in hand, who do you think will get shown in first?

“Kevin, run out and pick up some lunch for us, okay, babe?”

If Dogma was his brainchild, it proves he can come up with a story (unlike his other movies). And we know he can write dialogue. So why keep pandering to brainless, smirking college kids?

It’s pointless for him to continue refusing to admit he’s in a rut. He already admitted he was tired of his old shtick. He admitted it by trying to make a romantic comedy.

You could not drag me to see his new movie. I don’t even care if it’s funny. There are only so many shocking sex and poop jokes you can stand to hear from Kevin Smith. I get it; I get it. It’s two ordinary people looking and acting very serious while they try to make money filming a porno. It’s hilarious when people talk about genitals in a detached and businesslike way. Oh, boy, is that funny. Or at least it was, maybe thirty years ago, when the concept wasn’t completely played out. I’m not paying good money to sit through this mess, and I suspect the overwhelming majority of ticket buyers–even atheists and longtime Kevin Smith fans–will agree with me.